


Derry University (the Social Media AU)

by derryfacts2 (winchysteria)



Series: Derry University [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Alternate Universe - Professors, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies With Benefits, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Everybody Lives, F/F, F/M, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, M/M, Professors, Slow Burn, Social Media, canon-typical jacked up family stuff, the losers themselves are teachers not students, this isn't horror
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:40:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 118,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24323689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winchysteria/pseuds/derryfacts2
Summary: Dr. Richard Tozier is a new addition to the staff at Derry University. Loud, goofy, and allergic to seriousness, he finds himself sharing space with Dr. Edward Kaspbrak. Uptight where Richie is relaxed, focused where Richie is distractible, and distractible where Richie is sexy, Eddie looks forward to getting this year over with so he can forget the guy exists at all. But, you know. Best-laid plans.This is a transcription of a social media AU that I have been posting on twitter @derryuniversity over the past few months. All narration will come in the form of texts, emails, or other pieces of writing found in and around the lives of the Losers. This is just here for better accessibility!
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Don Hagarty/Adrian Mellon, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Kay McCall/Audra Phillips, Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris
Series: Derry University [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1758043
Comments: 22
Kudos: 86





	1. CAST

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twitter [@derryfacts2](https://twitter.com/derryfacts2/)  
> follow the au [@derryuniversity](https://twitter.com/derryuniversity/)
> 
> If you want to see all of this content, but in its original image form, check out the Derry U twitter page. This work comes in 5 chapters (CAST, and then four story parts); I will update here ONLY when each chapter is completely finished, but the story is updated on twitter multiple times per day.
> 
> This is as direct a plaintext transcription as I could make, given that it was created to be in image format, so some things might seem a little wonky or confusing, i.e., conversations may be split in two with a number between them. I want it to be easy to figure out which pieces come from where on Twitter, so sorry about that!

**Cognitive Approaches to Learning Disability Educational Research Lab**

_Department of Psychology,_

_Derry University, ME_

******Edward Kaspbrak, Ph.D.**

_Principal Investigator_

Dr. Kaspbrak is an Associate Professor of Neuroscience and Developmental Psychology at Derry University. As founder of the CALDER lab, Dr. Kaspbrak uses research approaches from cognitive neuroscience and educational psychology to investigate the neurobiological structures required for language use, with a particular focus on learning and language disabilities. He earned his B.A. from Derry University and his Ph.D. from Harvard University. Dr. Kaspbrak’s work has been published in the _Journal of Educational Psychology_ , the _Journal of Cognitive Psychology_ , and _Language and Speech_ , among others. He has been the recipient of the Zhao Award and Fellowship from the Northeastern Psychological Association, the Future of Psychology award from the American Association for the Developmental Sciences, and a certificate of commendation from the State of Maine House of Representatives. Dr. Kaspbrak’s research has been funded by the US Department of Defense, the National Science Foundation, and the National Institutes of Health. Outside of the lab, Dr. Kaspbrak enjoys running.

Email:  ekaspbrak@derry.edu 

Download CV 

**\--**

**RATE MY PROFESSORS** | _Search for a professor or school_

3.2 / 5

Overall Quality Based on 204 ratings

**Edward Kaspbrak**

Professor in the Psychology department at Derry University

63% Would take again | 4.5 Level of Difficulty

😎MOST HELPFUL RATING

May 3rd, 2018

I have never known a man this punchable in my life. He’s such an asshole it’s almost admirable. He clearly knows exactly what he’s talking about and he has very little patience for you if you don’t get it right away. Thankfully he’s a pretty good lecturer, I think it has to do with how often he says fuck and how he seems kiiiinda like he’s on Adderall? Plus the tests are actually based on the lectures. Overall, he’s consistent, but consistently a total hardass. Slack off and die.

👍16 👎1

**\--**

**Cognitive Approaches to Learning Disability Educational Research Lab**

_Department of Psychology,_

_Derry University, ME_

******Richard Tozier, Ph.D.**

_Associate Investigator_

Richard Tozier is an educator and researcher with a focus in psycholinguistics, particularly on the effects of native language phonetics on processing and production in a second language. He uses techniques including pupillometry, eye tracking, and electroencephalography to pursue a better understanding of the microstructures of language—that is, how sounds are linked, predicted, and learned. Prior to his work at Derry University, Dr. Tozier completed both his Ph.D. and a postdoctoral fellowship under Dr. Steve Covall of Boston University. When he can escape from the lab, he is also a comedy enthusiast, a cat collector, and a board-certified couch potato.

Email:  rtozier@derry.edu 

Download CV 

**\--**

**RATE MY PROFESSORS** | _Search for a professor or school_

Quality: 4.9 / 5

Overall Quality Based on 60 ratings

**Richard Tozier**

Professor in the Linguistics department at Boston University

100% Would take again | 2 Level of Difficulty

😎MOST HELPFUL RATING

Dec 15th, 2019

THIS IS THE ONLY MAN THAT MATTERS IN THE STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS!! funny, looks like he has great weed, really clear explanations of everything. the voices he does are so stupid but actually really helpful for a phonetics class. takes forever to grade but super nice at his office hours & total pushover about extensions. god bless u doc tozier o7

👍4 👎0

* * *

**_BILL DENBROUGH_ **

Bill Denbrough is a full-time horror enthusiast and part-time author. He is best known for _The New York Times_ bestselling novels like _The Black Rapids_ , _Attic Room_ , and _The Dark_ , which have been translated into forty-one languages. His short stories have been published in magazines including _Mcsweeney’s_ and the _New Yorker_ , and Denbrough has also twice adapted his own work for the silver screen, receiving sole screenwriting credit for both _Attic Room_ (2015) and _The Black Rapids_ (2018).

Raised in small-town Maine by an electrician and a piano teacher, Denbrough is much more well-adjusted than his writing would seem to suggest. He earned his B.A. in English from NYU before moving on to the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, where he wrote his first novel, _Master of Rituals._ He currently resides in Maine in order to take his deeply stupid golden retriever on nice walks and to serve as an Assistant Professor in the MFA Program for Creative Writing at Derry University.

His newest—and first nonfiction—work, _Flood and Captain_ , will go to press in autumn 2020 from Penguin Books.

**\--**

**RATE MY PROFESSORS** | _Search for a professor or school_

Quality: 4.0 / 5

Overall Quality Based on 27 ratings

**Bill Denbrough**

Professor in the English department at Derry University

90% Would take again | 3 Level of Difficulty

😎MOST HELPFUL RATING

Jan 9th, 2018

You, a Derry U English student, are looking at your course catalog next semester, and you see the name Denbrough. Like Black Rapids Denbrough? You think. Bill Denbrough? A teacher? Doesn’t he have a shitload of money just from royalties? What, is he just like a solid guy who wants to help young writers? Is he procrastinating on his next book? Is he even good at teaching? Does he get away with being bad at his job because he’s Bill fucking Denbrough? Is he just kind of a narcissist who wants the attention? You will have these questions and the answer to all of them will be yes

👍4 👎0

**\--**

**LIBRARIES at Derry University**

**Michael Hanlon**

**_Assistant Professor / Research & Instructional Services Librarian_ **

Gray Library Information Services

(207) 555-5893

[ mhanlon@derry.edu ](mailto:mhanlon@derry.edu)

Mike joined the faculty at DU Libraries in August 2012. He is liaison to the departments of History, Sociology, and Classics, and serves as the library coordinator for undergraduate students majoring in the humanities. In addition, Mike is a founding member of the Library Archives Council, which supports the cataloging and use of Derry University’s historical artifacts as part of the library system. Mike, a Maine native, earned his B.A. in History right here at DU (go Turtles!) and his Master’s degree in Library and Information Science from the University of Rhode Island. In his spare time, he enjoys hiking, vegetarian cooking, and raiding the science fiction shelves.

\--

🥵 **derry hot librarian updates** | Follow

@DUHotLibrarian

crowdsourced updates on DU’s unfairly sexy library cryptid // DM ur submissions

📍 dont be a snitch

0 FOLLOWING | 3,866 FOLLOWERS

@DUHotLibrarian | 19/03/2019

today i saw him shake his salad up in a tupperware and it had avocado in it to make the dressing creamy and like i know we know he has forearms but. He Has Forearms

💬3 🔁6 ❤️️411

@DUHotLibrarian | 18/03/2019

Today I saw him run after a girl because she left her metal straw at her computer desk. He didn’t even yell at her for _[cut off]_

* * *

**Kersh School of Design and Visual Arts**

at Derry University | _HIC OMNIA FLUITANT_

**BEN HANSCOM** | Associate Professor of Practice - Architecture

_B.Arch., Rice University_

_M.Arch., Washington University in St. Louis_

Prior to establishing his own practice, Professor Hanscom was a designer at firms including Victor Neiman Architecture in Dallas, Texas; Correlin and Partners Architectural Design in Chicago, Illinois; and Mendes Living Design in Boston, Massachusetts. In addition to his role as an educator at Derry University, Professor Hanscom is the principal designer at Hanscom Ltd. His architectural work includes Buffalo’s J.D. Huyger tower and the new Film House at the Portland Museum of Art, a building which was awarded the 2019 Mayor’s Star for cultural contributions to the city.

Professor Hanscom has also been featured in _American East Design Magazine_ and as a guest lecturer at the Tisch School Lecture Series. He is an associate director of the Kennebec Conservation Trust, a nonprofit organization which promotes ecologically sound building practices.

**EMAIL**

**\--**

**RATE MY PROFESSORS** | _Search for a professor or school_

Quality: 4.2 / 5

Overall Quality Based on 87 ratings

**Ben Hanscom**

Professor in the Architecture department at Derry University

96% Would take again | 4 Level of Difficulty

😎MOST HELPFUL RATING

Oct 27th, 2017

Okay, Hanscom’s really great, super knowledgeable and passionate, understanding with deadlines, not always very organized and sometimes forgets to teach something that ends up being important, but overall a wonderful teacher and a nice guy. But more importantly RATEMYPROFESSOR BRING THE GODDAMN HOT PEPPER BACK RMP YOU COWARDS THIS MAN NEEDS ONE ILL DIE IF I CANT GIVE IT TO HIM

👍6 👎1

**\--**

**Kersh School of Design and Visual Arts**

at Derry University | _HIC OMNIA FLUITANT_

**BEVERLY MARSH |** Instructor - Fashion Design

B.F.A., _Parsons The New School for Design_

Beverly Marsh has been working in the fields of fashion design and merchandising since 2006, when she interned under Marco Bizzarri during his time at Rogan House. In 2007, she co-founded the Rogan & Marsh label, which would go on to collaborate with Coach, Betsey Johnson, and Louis Vuitton. She has been profiled in _Glamour_ , _Cosmopolitan_ , and _Elle_ . Her designs were also featured very heavily in the movie _Runaway Train_ (2012). Marsh joined the teaching staff at the Kersh School in 2014.

**EMAIL**

**\--**

**RATE MY PROFESSORS** | _Search for a professor or school_

Quality: 4.5 / 5

Overall Quality Based on 102 ratings

**Beverly Marsh**

Professor in the Design department at Derry University

98% Would take again | 3 Level of Difficulty

😎MOST HELPFUL RATING

Apr 12th, 2020

Before I took Marsh’s class all I knew was that every single other design major was in love with her. I get it now. Beverly Marsh has the face of an angel and the heart of a lion. She is my soul, the wind beneath my wings. But seriously she’s a really fucking good artist. You can really see why R&M got so huge back in the day. Pretty good teacher too; talented but doesn’t insist on finding your ~muse~ or whatever she just tells you what looks good or bad and why. The only thing is she doesn’t always seem super into it, which is kind of discouraging from an arts professor. Like obviously she doesn’t have to perform it but sometimes it’s a little obvious she doesn’t want to be there. Don’t get it twisted though I still want to propose

👍9 👎2

* * *

**PRYOR COLLEGE OF BUSINESS at Derry University**

**Stanley Uris**

**Instructor of Accounting**

_B.S. New York University. M.Acc. CUNY Baruch College._

In addition to teaching at Derry University, Professor Uris is also the founder and co-owner of East Wire Finance and Accounts. He has been part of the staff at Pryor College of Business since 2017.

**\--**

**RATE MY PROFESSORS** | _Search for a professor or school_

Quality: 4.0 / 5

Overall Quality Based on 217 ratings

**Stanley Uris**

Professor in the Accounting department at Derry University

85% Would take again | 4.1 Level of Difficulty

😎MOST HELPFUL RATING

March 20th, 2018

prof uris is a really cool dude. super dry and sarcastic. strict with everything, though, like you absolutely cannot get away with missing deadlines or skipping or being late, even in a giant lecture. it’s cool that he actually knows wtf he’s talking about, cause with some of the professor-professors it’s super obvious that they looked at their notes right before class but they’ve never actually used a nested IF statement or whatever. will never go off topic in class or let you out early. once he accidentally showed us his desktop with the picture of his cute little family and turned super red and apologized for being unprofessional. also, either I’m going crazy surrounded by the erkels in this department, or he’s kind of sexy. if you forget your book he’ll get mad at you, so don’t do that...unless…

**\--**

**INTENSIVE ENGLISH INSTITUTE at Derry University**

**Instructors**

**Patricia Blum**

_M.A. TESOL, University of Alabama_

Originally from Atlanta, Georgia, Patricia has been involved in English teaching and curriculum development for more than a decade. After earning her B.A. in English from Emory University, Patricia became an ESL teacher to refugees in Clarkston, Georgia, which led her to return to school and earn an M.A. in Applied Linguistics/TESOL from the University of Alabama. Patty spent five years traveling and working in Poland, China, and Egypt before joining us at the Intensive English Institute here in Derry. She also has experience as an interpreter and test designer, in addition to being the coordinator of the IEI’s English for Business program.

**\--**

**RATE MY PROFESSORS** | _Search for a professor or school_

Quality: 4.8 / 5

Overall Quality Based on 13 ratings

**Patricia Blum**

Professor in the ESL department at Derry University

100% Would take again | 2.4 Level of Difficulty

😎MOST HELPFUL RATING

June 3rd, 2017

Ms Patty is so nice! She is really kind. She’s funny too. She spoke Arabic to us on the first day of class and sayed “sorry my accent is so bad” it was really cute! Very calm and good activities-- we did things without the textbook a lot. She’s my favorite English teacher at IEI!!

👍15 👎1

* * *

**COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES at Derry University**

KAY MCCALL

_Assistant Professor of Educational Psychology_

118 Niebolt Hall | (207) 555-6490 | [ kmccall@derry.edu ](mailto:kmccall@derry.edu)

[ http://kmccall.people.derry.edu/ ](http://kmccall.people.derry.edu/)

Research Interests:

  * Dynamics of gender and cultural perceptions in education
  * Childhood development of concepts of culture and society in relation to the self
  * Stress-reducing interventions related to personal bias in educational contexts



Accepting Students:

  * Accepting graduate students



**\--**

**Audra Phillips**

Actress | Producer

View Resume | Official Photos »

Audra Phillips is a British-American stage and screen actress. She is known for her roles as Amelia Howe in the romantic comedy Arlo Flies, Tanya in the horror film The Black Rapids, and Lily Coursier in the Broadway musical Take Me With You. Born in London, Phillips moved to New York City at age six, where she attended The Professional Performing Arts High School… See full bio »

Born: September 4, 1985 in Dulwich, London, England, UK

More at IMDbPro »

**\--**

**Cognitive Approaches to Learning Disability Educational Research Lab**

_Department of Psychology,_

_Derry University, ME_

**Graduate staff**

**Don Hagarty, M.S.**

_Graduate Researcher_

Don is a third-year Ph.D. student in the Neuroscience concentration of the Developmental Psychology program. He serves as treasurer to the Graduate Student Council and is the recipient of a Klay Fellowship. His research interests include the effects of art therapy in children with emotional/behavioral disorders.

Email: [ dhagarty@univ.derry.edu ](mailto:dhagarty@univ.derry.edu)

**Adrian Mellon, B.A.**

_Graduate Researcher_

Adrian is a second-year Ph.D. student in the Neuroscience concentration of the Developmental Psychology program, and he is thrilled to be working in the CALDER lab. He is the recipient of a Presidential Fellowship. His research interests include the development of narrative production and processing skills in young adults.

Email: [ amellon4@univ.derry.edu ](mailto:amellon4@univ.derry.edu)

**Elizabeth Ripsom, B.A.**

_Graduate Researcher_

Elizabeth is a second-year Ph.D. student in the Neuroscience concentration of the Developmental Psychology program. She is the recipient of a Graduate Council Fellowship and an Excellence in Teaching Award for her work at Saint Croix Sciences Camp. Her research interests include the use of neuroimaging to monitor anxiety in children with post-traumatic stress.

  
Email: [ eripsom@univ.derry.edu ](mailto:eripsom@univ.derry.edu)


	2. Part 1 (posts 1-100)

1.

Kay McCall’s phone. March 12, 2020.

Subject: [DU-PSYCH] Hiring Announcements! [Inbox]

**Simons, Carolina**

to DU-PSYCH  ˅

March 12th, 2020, 5:25 PM

Dear DU Psychology faculty, staff, and students,

The Department is thrilled to share two announcements with you all today. First, as you may already know, Derry University will begin offering a minor in psycholinguistics next year. As one of the Northeast’s top psychology programs, we have a unique opportunity and responsibility to allow students to explore the most comprehensive possible range of interests. Attached to this email you may find a recruitment statement for this new minor, which we encourage you to include in your undergraduate syllabi.

Second, it is my pleasure to announce the arrival of a new member of our department! Dr. Richard Tozier comes to us from Boston University and is very eager to head up our psycholinguistics programming. Thank you very much to all those who attended candidate lunches and job talks, and especially to those who offered feedback. We know that you are just as excited as we are to see Dr. Tozier join our ranks.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with his work, we have also attached his CV, which will be available on the department website before the beginning of the fall semester. He will be temporarily located in the CALDER lab with Dr. Kaspbrak. Please join me in offering a warm Derry welcome to our new arrival!

Thank you all,

Dr. Carolina Simon

Professor and Chair

Department of Psychology

Derry University

\--

Edward Kaspbrak < [ ekaspbrak@derry.edu ](mailto:ekaspbrak@derry.edu) >

to DU-PSYCH  ˅

March 12, 2020, 5:33 PM

Do I have to?

* * *

2.

Kay McCall’s phone. March 12, 2020.

Audra ☺️: can’t wait!! 💞

12 March, 6:10 PM

Kay: Hey, you remember that thing you were saying about academic drama?

Audra ☺️: that I think it exists and is juicy and ur withholding it from me to be mean? yeah

Kay: Well, this is about the extent of it.

Kay: [image: Eddie’s email]

Audra ☺️: NO!!! A REPLY ALL???

Kay: Oh yes. To the departmental listserv, which is 100s of people.

Audra ☺️: I sound like I’m joking but I’m actually on the dge of my seat. Is he gonna get in trouble?? Is he gonna get fired?!?

Kay: God, no. Kaspbrak publishes more than anyone else here. He’ll probably just get a talking-to from the Chair.

Audra ☺️: STILL. wow. I love this. thank u for this gift.

Kay: 😘

Kay: Good luck at your table read!

\--

Don Hagarty’s phone.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

12 March, 5:35 PM

Bets: I KNOW ITS MIDTERMS AND UR BUSY BUT HAVE YALL CHECKED YOUR EMAIL RECENTLY

Adrian: OH MY GOD I KNOWWWWWW

Don: I’ve been at my office hours. What’s going on?

Bets: EK email just go look

Adrian: Oh the schadenfreude. My abs are tauter than ever. God is smiling on me

Don: Don’t you feel a little bad for him?

Bets: doubt he’s noticed yet

Bets: ….oh god do u think tozier is already on the fucking listserv

Adrian: ….GOD

Bets: don i am begging u to use ur grad council admin powers for evil and check if he’s on the listserv. I am BEGGING

Don: You both are way too happy to see EK in pain.

Don: That said.

Don: I already checked and Tozier’s definitely on the listserv.

Adrian: AKSJFJSKFKFJFJD WELCOME TO DERRY BITCH

* * *

3.

Eddie Kaspbrak’s phone, March 12th.

Subject: RE: Do I have to [inbox]

Simons, Carolina

to me  ˅

March 12, 2020, 5:40 PM

Ed,

I’d like to schedule a meeting with you sometime tomorrow. Are you free at eight AM?

-Carol

Dr. Carolina Simons

Professor and Chair

Department of Psychology

Derry University

\--

Chat title: B&B

Eddie: [image: email from Carol]

Eddie: I fucked up!

Bev: oh eds.

Ben: Eddie are you bullying the new kid? 😡😡

Eddie: I was just trying to send it to Carol! I thought it’d be funny! The one goddamn I try to be funny. I’m going back to being a killjoy forever

Bev: that would be a lot more convincing if i didn’t know how mad you are about having to share your lab lol

Eddie: I’m not mad! I’m an adult who understands departmental budget limitations!

Ben: Does that email say she wants to meet you at 8am? Harsh

Bev: haha i love your department chair.

Bev: “oh you’re gonna act like you’re in high school? alright then i’ll see you in first period motherfucker”

Eddie: You guys are so not helpful.

Eddie: What if he hates me forever?

Bev: he will

Ben: Baby...

Bev: kidding!

Ben: Just explain what happened and apologize, man. I’m sure he’ll get it. You’re adults. You’ll be fine, Eddie 🧘🏻‍♂️🍃

Eddie: Thanks Ben.

Ben: Hey I have some really good news for you though!! They make separate buttons for “reply” and “reply all” now.

Bev: BABE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Eddie: Just kidding I hate you both exclamation point send

* * *

4.

Richie’s phone, March 12 & 13.

Chat title: Salt n Pepa

Richie: [image: Eddie’s email]

Richie: AM I GETTING FUCKING HAZED?

Stan: Oh my g-d.

Patty: That’s so mean!!

Richie: he sent that shit to the whole department i feel like i just got burn booked

Patty: Whatted??

Stan: Babylove.

Richie: pats.

Stan: La la land movie night postponed till next Friday. We’ll watch mean girls this Friday.

Richie: back to my problem please!!! who the hell is this guy

Stan: Richie, there are fifty thousand people at DU. I have no fucking clue who Edward Kaspbrak is.

Patty: Actually I know him!!!

Richie: LOL

Patty: I let him recruit research participants from my classes last year! He should be nicer to you 🤬🤬

\--

Subject: My apologies [Inbox]

Kaspbrak, Edward

to me  ˅

March 13, 2020, 9:02 AM

Dr. Tozier,

I hope this email finds you well. I just want to apologize for my actions yesterday. I was referencing an inside joke with Dr. Simon, and I sent that email to you by mistake, but I should not have sent it in the first place, and I am deeply sorry. I did not mean any ill will towards you. I hope this doesn’t sour our working relationship before it even starts. I’m looking forward to meeting you in August.

Best,

Dr. Edward Kaspbrak

\--

Richie: [image: Eddie’s email]

Richie: UPDATE HE EMAILED ME

Stan: Okay, that’s at least polite.

Patty: He’s nice after all!!!

Richie: no i still fucking hate this dude

Patty: Ok I was trying to keep it positive but 🙄🙄

Richie: DR EDWARD KASPBRAK who says that bro we’re all doctors

Patty: Elitist!

Stan: It’s only a year, Richard. Play nice.

Richie: right.

Richie: that’s my specialty

* * *

5.

Eddie’s phone. March 13.

Eddie: I really am sorry. And embarrassed.

Carol (Chair): Look, you know the department is proud of your work, but you saw Tozier’s publications with Covall. Some really great stuff could come out of your lab this year. I need you to be the PERFECT welcome wagon.

Eddie: Got it.

Carol: No drama. Don’t piss off your new labmate.

Eddie: Of course.

Carol: Knew I could trust you.

\--

Richie’s phone. March 13.

Richard Tozier

to Edward  ˅

March 13, 2020, 10:30 AM

Dr. Kaspbrak,

I’m sure our working relationship will be just fine.

Professor Dr. Richard Tozier Ph.D.

\--

Stan: It’s only a year, Richard. Play nice.

13 March, 10:36 AM

Richie: right! my specialty

* * *

6.

Richie’s phone.

Chat title: Salt n Pepa

May 9, 10:13 PM

Richie: HOLY SHIT CONGRATULATIONS I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH

Richie: AMAZING AMAZING PERFECT AMAZING INCREDIBLE

Patty: Thanks Richie!! Now tell me how long ago you’ve known about this ☺️☺️☺️

Richie: no idea what ur talking about

Stan: He’s been helping me plan since February.

Richie: 😰😰

Stan: Love you, Rich.

Richie: NO TAKEBACKS! love u too

\--

June 15th, 3:20 PM

Richie: did u get the amazon package?

Robin: Yep and I hid it in my craft room! Do you want me to wrap it for you?

Richie: no, no, i have to, the crumpled corners are part of the charm

Robin: Of course 🤣 you should try to get here before dinner Saturday! I’m making my signature special!!

Richie: thai palace takeout? 😂

Robin: You know it!!! LOL

Richie: can’t wait, see you then! tell went i say hi

\--

July 16, 1:27 PM

Richie: Hey, Bill! It’s Richie Tozier. I don’t know if Stan told you that I’m moving to your neck of the shithole?

Bill: SHIT REALLY!!!

Richie: yeah i’m joining the psych dept! moving at the end of the month

Bill: Hell yeah

Bill: Can’t wait 2 catch up

Bill: Don’t smoke as much weed as I used 2 but I’ll buy u a drink

\--

Richie: hell yes

August 2, 8:36pm

Big Bill: Stan & pat want in next time

Richie: that sounds great

Richie: hey, thanks for telling me that today, man. it means a lot

Big Bill: sure dude thx for being cool about me spilling my guts 2 u the first time we’ve hung out in 5 yrs

Richie: anytime! does this make me ur gay dad now? i don’t give good advice but i can demonstrate deepthroating on a banana

Bill: 😂😂 u rly have not changed

* * *

7.

Eddie’s phone.

May 24, 11:26 PM

Mike: Seriously, man. Thanks for being there.

Eddie: No worries Mike I’m just glad it’s not weird. Also that guy was a piece of shit and you deserve better and I only took organic chem for three days but I think I could dispose of a body if I needed to

Mike: Haha XD

Mike: He was a piece of shit, wasn’t he. I will miss his dog though XD

Mike: And it’s definitely not weird. We were always friends first and foremost.

Eddie: Also I’m not against stealing the dog

\--

Chat title: 3X TRIVIA CHAMPS

Eddie: Hey guys I’m really sorry but this deadline snuck up on me so I think I have to pass on tonight

Bev: the fuck has deadlines in JUNE

Mike: But none of us can answer any of the science ones :(

Eddie: It’s this grant I would need to afford another undergrad RA in the fall. Labor rights Mike

Mike: :)

Ben: We’re sorry you won’t be there, Eddie, but good luck with the grant!!!⭐⭐

June 5, 10:28 PM

Bev: i’m not saying i’m mad at you specifically but we super lost

\--

Eddie: Thanks Paul. Talk to you soon.

July 18, 3:09 PM

Paul Alcott: We have to reschedule this week’s meeting.

Eddie: Again?

Paul Alcott: Yep. “Work conflict.” Does next Wednesday at 3 work for you?

Eddie: Yeah I think so I’d just really like to get this out of the way before the semester starts

Paul: We can start pushing harder, you know.

Eddie: No I don’t care enough to fight her on this let’s just reschedule.

\--

Chat title: CALDER

August 1, 4:10 PM

Kaspbrak: Will you all be on campus the week before classes start? Can we have our first meeting on the 5th at noon?

Don H: I’m in town.

Betty R: i’m not sorry ill be in chi till august 10

Adrian M: Physically I could be there.

Eddie: I’ll take that as a no. We’ll start on the 12th then and I’ll have the contact info for your undergrads.

Betty R: don’t get me wrong dr k i’m psyched to see u but i have my summer brain on

Eddie: Go look at the bean or something.

* * *

8.

Richie’s phone.

Big Bill: Ok but objectively venom was a little sexual

Richie: degenerate. u know who COULD fuck is the guy who played the sidekick in birds of prey

Big Bill: Eh

August 6, 10:19 AM

Richie: how is this the most bored i have ever been in my life?? I spent two summers grading GRE essays

Bill: Yeah same I keep trying 2 focus but all I can think of is the chorus of linger by the cranberries

Richie: oh fuck u dude

Bill: Hahahahahahahaha

\--

Eddie’s phone.

August 6, 1:09 pm

Eddie: Can I be a child for a second

Bev: with me?? Always

Eddie: So I saw Tozier from a distance this morning at legal training

Bev: oh shit I completely forgot about that

Eddie: Don’t worry we went to it last year and you only have to go every other if you’re full time

Bev: wait then why did you go lol

Eddie: I like to be safe but that’s not the point

Eddie: He was like four rows in front of me and he was texting during legal training!

Eddie: Texting exclamation point send

Eddie: In front of like every single one of his new coworkers! Who the fuck does that

Bev: literally everyone legal training is so fucking boring

Eddie: I still think it’s a bad sign

Bev: Carol said you had to be nice to him!

Eddie: I’m being nice! Me texting you about this instead of sending him an email is me being nice!

Bev: I still think you should introduce yourself and just like make him be a person in your head instead of a vague representation of your past mistakes

Eddie: Beverly marsh you are my least favorite person

Bev: 🥰🥰🥰

Eddie: How am I supposed to introduce myself if he still hates me because of the email thing

Eddie: I’m not even that charming when I get a blank slate

Bev: why would you need to be charming

Bev: eds?

* * *

9.

Stanley Uris’s phone.

August 7, 9:42 AM

Richie: will someone please tell me why i’m nervous to go to a dept meeting

Patty (❤️): Psych or linguistics?

Richie: psych. the ling meeting was mostly like “hi everyone here’s richie he’s our weird mole over in psych u won’t see him again” so that was fine

Stan: Why, Richie, you’re more than just a weird mole.

Stan: You’re a collection of them.

Richie: 🖕

Patty (❤️): Good luck at your first day of school!! Make friends ❤️❤️

August 7, 11:34 AM

Richie: I MET DR EDWARD KASPBRAK PHD

Richie: just for a second but he’s like a real person and everything

Patty (❤️): Wow!! A real boy!!

Patty (❤️): What’s he like in real life??

Richie: short lol

Richie: big brown eyes, fast talker, unfortunately the platonic ideal of my physical type

Patty (❤️): I meant his personality, but ok ☺️☺️

Richie: well that part was just boring

Richie: he was like “hi, i’m dr kaspbrak, but everyone just calls me ed” (i will absolutely not be calling him ed), and then i think he said “i look forward to working with you” and bolted

Stan: That sounds perfectly reasonable.

Richie: the man was a graham cracker.

\--

Patty (❤️): All’s well that ends well, I guess!!

Patty (❤️): I just really wish I could be magically better at this 😅😅

Stan: So do I. So does everyone! Some things are universally messy.

Patty (❤️): You mean there’s no Excel for preteens??

Stan: Unfortunately not.

Stan: I love you.

Patty (❤️): I love you too ❤️❤️

August 7, 11:55 AM

Patty (❤️): Hm.

Stan: Hm.

* * *

10.

Eddie’s phone.

August 7, 5:17 PM

Ben: How was your day, man?

Eddie: Did Bev send you

Ben: Bev suggests many things to me every day, and I elect to do some of those things 💆‍♂️

Eddie: Okay dad from my big fat Greek wedding.

Ben: How was your meeting?

Eddie: Good. Normal.

Ben: Did you meet the new guy?

Eddie: I did.

Ben: Were you nice?

Eddie: I was.

Ben: Eddie.

Eddie: I was totally nice damn it I was completely polite even though the whole meeting he kept jiggling his leg and playing with his coffee mug and he wore a patterned shirt and when Carol introduced him she said tell us your name and where you’re from and he was like hi I’m Rich Tozier I’m from New York but upstate not the sexy part which what does that even mean so yes I was nice to him and I should be made a fucking saint for that

Ben: It sounds like maybe he was just nervous about being there.

Eddie: He was a menace Ben

Eddie: I talked to him for a like second afterward but just looking at his face made me mad

Eddie: How am I supposed to be his fucking welcome wagon I want to deck him

Ben: Well, usually it’s harder to hate people once you get to know them.

Ben: Maybe try being friendly? 🤷🏼‍♂️

Eddie: Thanks Ben

Ben: You’re welcome!

Eddie: I’m going to just avoid him like the plague for as long as I can instead

\--

Chat title: CALDER

Betty R: sun. meat. lawn darts. ur favorite faculty and staff. tonights departmental bbq. whos going

Eddie: Sorry everyone I have to sit this one out. Have fun.

Adrian M: The school is buying me food of course Im going.

Betty R: cool ur driving me

Adrian M: I hate it here

Don H: I’m staying home too. Derry flu got me early this year.

Adrian M: I hATE IT HERE

* * *

11.

Don’s phone.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

August 7, 5:46 PM

Adrian: are they actually gonna have lawn darts

Don: Surely not. Not after last year.

Bets: i’m out front i think i see you

Adrian: Don are you sure you dont want us to bring you anything? Its on our way

Don: No, but thank you! Just tell me how it goes.

August 7, 6:27 PM

Bets: I HAVE LOCATED REPLY ALL GUY

Don: Do you mean Richard Tozier, the guy who we’re supposed to work with all year, professionally, being professionals?

Bets: don u can professionally suck my ass

Adrian: Lmao

Adrian: Are you still talking to him? I wanna do recon too.

Bets: over by the picnic tables!!!

Adrian: I see you.

August 7, 6:49 PM

Don: Well, what’s the verdict?

Bets: i like him!!! he’s funny. he has “i’d rather you do it in the house” energy

Don: Helpful. Does he seem like he’ll be easy to work with?

Bets: YAWN but yeah he’s super chill

Don: Good! I read his postdoc stuff; it was pretty impressive.

Adrian: Yah and boring as SHIT!!

Adrian: On a less killjoy note hes also not NOT hot

Don: Adrian.

Bets: he’s totally cute!

Don: Et tu, brute?

Adrian: The lesbian agrees!

Bets: i have eyes and the man has soft hair and a nice laugh

Adrian: And hes tall and has like broad shoulders if thats your type

Don: Well, is it yours?

Bets: DONATHAN

Don: I just want to make sure I don’t have to worry about the workplace dynamics.

* * *

12.

Don’s phone.

Adrian: Let me worry about the workplace dynamics. For instance do we think the two of them will become BEST FWENDS

Bets: aww i love that! ek doesn’t have any department friends i worry about him

Adrian: I agree this could be good for him!!

Bets: he needs to get out of the lab sometimes!! go out with the other kids!!

Adrian: Hes been looking so pale lately

Bets: so skinny

Adrian: A mother worries

August 7, 7:13 PM

Adrian: Don?

Bets: he’s probably asleep. crusty old man

Adrian: aww 👼🏻👼🏻👼🏻

August 7, 11:27 PM

Don: Why do you know whdt his hair feels like

* * *

13.

Kay’s phone. Monday before classes start

Audra ☺️: hey, i’m sorry.

Kay: No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you childish. I was just being a dick because I didn’t want to admit that I miss you that much.

Kay: I do, though. Miss you.

Audra ☺️: I miss u too. can I come up next Monday when the run is over?

Kay: Please.

Kay: Academic drama peace offering?

Audra ☺️: PLEASE I’m so sick of hearing about actors fucking other actors

Kay: Do you remember the reply all-debacle from last spring?

Audra ☺️: Do I EVER. the tension. the unanswered questions

Kay: Guess who my office neighbors are.

Audra ☺️: WHICH ONE?????

Kay: Both.

Audra ☺️: AHHHHHHHHH

Kay: We are an Oreo cookie of unresolved workplace tension.

Audra ☺️: oh my god r u gonna be okay

Kay: Well, I’m not going to metabolize the drama to become an old god or whatever you would do

Audra ☺️: 😇

Kay: However, I think the reply-all culprit is still embarrassed, which is fun for me because he’s kind of a prick.

Audra ☺️: oooo i love spicy kay!! pls continue

Kay: Today, the new guy came by to set his office up and get his keys to the lab and everything, and the administrator who was showing the new guy around knocked on the old guy’s office so they could say hi or something, and there was no response so they assumed he wasn’t there, but then I heard them LEAVE and then I heard the old guy start moving around his office because he had been THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

Kay: Like Parasite.

Audra: this is a man with three different college degrees.

Kay: Yes. Last week, we had a conversation about re-grouting shower tile.

Audra ☺️: that’s so three-dimensional of him. sexy

Audra ☺️: hey I gotta go talk to Rory but I’ll call u later?

Audra ☺️: i like you. 💗

Kay: Sure thing. I like you too 😘

* * *

14.

Richie’s phone. Tuesday before classes start.

Subject: Fall 2020 first lab meeting [Inbox]

Kaspbrak, Edward

to Adrian, Don, Elizabeth, me  ˅

Aug 11, 2020, 10:40 AM

Hello all,

I hope everyone had a productive summer and is ready to jump back in at the CALDER lab this semester.

This is just a reminder that our first lab meeting of the fall will be held tomorrow, Wendesday August 12th, at noon. According to the calendars you all sent me, this time should work for everyone. Email me if there is some kind of scheduling conflict. We will be meeting, as usual, in the CALDER lab (Neibolt Hall 130).

We will not be doing anything terribly formal, but we will be discussing plans for future lab meetings, roles for undergraduate RAs, and general division of equipment and labor. The undergrads will join us next week.

Best,

Dr. Kaspbrak

\--

Richard Tozier < [ rtozier@derry.edu ](mailto:rtozier@derry.edu) >

to Edward  ˅

Aug 11, 2020, 12:17 PM

Hi doc! Super excited for it. Also you spelled Wednesday wrong.

Sent from my iPhone

* * *

15.

First day of school!! A few tweets from around campus.

**☆ samuel**

@SAMH0UND

just found out the two super hot kersh professors are married TO EACH OTHER??? like rip me but spare sex tape?

9:09 AM  · Aug 12, 2020

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUHotLibrarian

my roommate told me about this account yesterday and like I did cringe but I just saw Him irl and I feel like if I don’t talk abt it I'll die. He was super casually holding this giant stack of books while he talked on the phone and the soft voice/hard arms combo did me right in

9:37 AM  · Aug 12, 2020

**chelsea**

@thechelstardpt2

Am working at the tutoring desk at the IEI again this semester and my sweet angel Patty got ENGAGED i repeat ENGAGED and the rock is very classy 😭😭

11:24 AM  · Aug 12, 2020

**rockie 🐽**

@ellaisall

i was sitting in my parked car head on the steering wheel jus like trying 2 cope with the concept of college and i looked over and my psych prof from last year was doin the same shit in the car next to me. godspeed bro

11:55 AM  · Aug 12, 2020

* * *

16.

First day of school.

Richie’s phone.

Steve: So how are the boonies?

Richie: you know, it’s a university. people of all ages with god complexes

Steve: It better be worth leaving us for!

Richie: it’s great! kaspbrak’s lab is basically biometric candyland. first meeting at noon actually

Steve: Hope all goes well!

August 12, 1:03 PM

Richie: really great! i think i’ll do well here

Steve: Well if I couldn’t get you to stay forever I’m glad you found another Dr. Frankenstein

Richie: for sure! he’s a great guy

\--

Eddie’s phone.

Carol (Chair): I sure do!

Carol (Chair): How’s everything going with Rich so far? You making him feel at home?

Eddie: Oh it’s fantastic! Should be a productive year in the lab. We’re meeting today; the grad students are already big fans of him.

Carol (Chair): Excellent! Let me know how that goes

August 12, 1:04 PM

Eddie: It went really well! I think we’ll be able to get a lot done. He’ll be a real asset to the lab

Carol (Chair): Your new best friend Rich!

Eddie: For sure! He’s a great guy

\--

Richie’s phone.

Chat title: first day of school support group

August 12, 1:03 PM

Richie: i’m gonna fucking kill him.

\--

Eddie’s phone.

Chat title: B&B

August 12, 1:04 PM

Eddie: I’m gonna fucking murder him

* * *

17.

Still Wednesday & the first day of school.

Richie’s phone.

Chat title: first day of school support group

Stanislavski:  _ [cut off] _ if you didn’t want to do it?

Big Bill: She’s my favorite student!

Pitter Patter: You guys are allowed to have favorites??

Big Bill: Whatever it’s not like I have 2 do anything it’s like database day so I just make sure her class shows up and then the librarian tells them shit

Pitter Patter: Oh yeah I love database day

August 12, 1:03 PM

Richie: i’m gonna fucking kill him.

Pitter Patter: I’m gonna need you to unpack that one a little bit for us, Richie

Big Bill: Is that a vow or a confession

Richie: it’s an eventuality. i don’t want it to be true, and i don’t feel like i have control over it, but by the end of the semester, i am going to wring edward kaspbrak’s little doctoral neck

Stanislavski: Thanks for implicating all of us.

Richie: talking to him is like trying to pet a chihuahua with a toothache

Richie: he’s so fucking uptight. i don’t think he’s taken a shit since 2002

Pitter Patter: My first day of class has been great thanks so much for asking!!

Richie: please, i have to complain about this dude or i’ll lose my mind, please

Stanislavski: I’d rather hear about Patty’s day actually.

Big Bill: I vote we let him work thru this

Richie: well i showed up to this meeting  _ [cut off] _

* * *

18.

Eddie’s phone.

Chat title: B&B

Eddie:  _ [cut off] _ just BARELY on time like specifically almost late and I know it was just to piss me off because if anyone takes anything seriously around him for more than five fucking seconds his organs start to fail I guess and he rolled in on his office chair and was like who died and I didn’t laugh and he said tough crowd but I’m not even a tough crowd because it really doesn’t take high standards to think Richie Tozier is unfunny

Bev: i see that we’re calling him richie now

Eddie: He told us all to call him that. Like he’s a fucking seventh grader.

Ben: I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be friendly with your coworkers!

Eddie: My grad students are friendly enough for the both of us they clearly think the sun shines out of his ass even don who normally has pretty good judgment I’m so fucking annoyed

Bev: aww that doesn’t mean they love you any less

Eddie: That’s not even what this is about Bev I just don’t like him like he did his PhD and his post dock at the same place who fucking does that

Ben: Neither of us have any frame of reference for that.

\--

Chat title: 3X TRIVIA CHAMPS

August 12, 1:26 PM

Bev: mike is it weird for someone to do their phd and postdoc at the same place

Mike: It’s pretty unusual? What’s going on?

Bev: eds has a nemesis haha

Mike: You’re too old to have a nemesis, man :/

Eddie: First of all I wasn’t the one who said nemesis and second of all you’d hate him too like we were doing introductions and I said I’m Edward Kaspbrak and he said  _ [cut off] _

* * *

19.

Don’s phone.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Bets: “can i call ya eddie” “no but my friends do” WHAT A BITCH

Don: Would we call that bitchy?

Adrian: YES LMAO

Don: It could have been a joke!

Adrian: It was DEFINITELY not a joke.

Bets: i love bitchy professordad. he’s so fun this way. don i think this officially makes u the most boring person in the lab

Don: I’m not boring.

Adrian: I think Don is interesting

Bets: anyway

Bets: do we think this crushes our hopes for tozier/kaspbrak best friendship :/

Adrian: We can’t give up yet. Maybe this is how they express their affection

Bets: god i hope it is

Don: It was the first meeting. It’s a stressful time of year. They barely know each other. Let’s not get dramatic.

Bets: stop making sense when i’m trying to have fun

Adrian: So what was everyone’s favorite EK vein twitch moment? Mine was when he was like “and absolutely NO liquids anywhere near the monitors” and looked at richie’s coffee mug super pointedly and richie was like “wash down the monitors before I leave at night, got it”

Don: Haha yeah.

* * *

20.

Eddie’s phone. Friday, August 14.

Mike:  _ [cut off] _ actually staying in town for the first weekend in a month.

Eddie: That’s kind of a mixed bag huh

Mike: Yeah.

Aug 14, 4:49 PM

Mike: Hey, man! You coming to trivia?

Eddie: For once I don’t have a looming deadline on Monday and it’s too early in the semester for data collection so fuck yes

Mike: Glad to hear it :)

Mike: I also wanted to casually check in about the whole nemesis thing.

Eddie: Again I never said nemesis he’s just my coworker who’s annoying

Mike: Right, of course. I just wanted to make sure that you’ve considered the possibility that maybe you’re being a little bit prickly.

Eddie: He’s genuinely obnoxious Mike

Eddie: Did I not communicate that clearly enough send

Mike: Maybe, but he doesn’t have it out for you.

Mike: Well, from what you described, it sounds like maybe he’s just a lighthearted guy, and he was trying to facilitate a fun lab dynamic.

Eddie: We already have a lab dynamic our lab dynamic is fine

Mike: Look man, I’m not saying this just for the sake of being an asshole, but you know you can be inflexible. If you want things this year to work, you might have to loosen the reins a little. Just a suggestion. :)

Eddie: Honestly it’s not that deep don’t worry about it

Eddie: It’s going to be fine! Even if the guy’s annoying I’m a fucking grownup and he’ll have his own lab this time next year so I just have to muscle through it till then

Eddie: Not a big deal

Mike: I believe you. You know I’m on your side, man :)

Eddie: Yeah I know.

\--

Chat title: 3X TRIVIA CHAMPS

August 14, 10:46 PM

Mike: We’ll get em next time, boys :(

Bev: like we’re not virgins why would we know the name of that guy from the scarlet letter

Eddie: We fucking wouldn’t!

Ben: Everyone drink water before you go to bed!

Eddie: I bet that book sucks anyway

Bev: It does

* * *

21.

Richie’s phone. Monday.

Richie: yeah, those too. i can put what I have on box but there’s definitely some i’m missing

Steve: I checked your box folder already so unless you have anything else squirreled away anywhere then don’t worry about it

August 17, 3:07 PM

Steve: Remind me why I let you leave? The purkinje tracker won’t listen to anyone else

Richie: ah, just give the old cow a glass of chardonnay and she’ll calm down

Steve: Have you been able to get the P-CALP paradigms working on the redneck equipment yet?

Richie: i’m working on it. they use experimentbuilder here so i have to rebuild it from zero. it might take me a few weeks to get everything up and running.

Steve: OK. Ahmed is going to start collecting data on the Korean version next week. Did you see those revisions I sent you from CALL?

Richie: yeah, just give me a few days.

Steve: OK. We should be able to get in the winter issue of 2021. Summer issue is okay but not ideal

Richie: you got it chief

* * *

22.

Richie’s phone. Monday.

Subject: ExperimentBuilder Thing [inbox]

Richard Tozier < [ rtozier@derry.edu ](mailto:rtozier@derry.edu) >

to Edward  ˅

Aug 17, 2020, 9:59 AM

Dear Dr. Edward Kaspbrak,

Salutations! I hope this missive finds you in good health. I would like to inquire after the location of the goober with which I can access the full version of ExperimentBuilder, so that I may begin to build my experiment. Also, I hath added mine data collection appointment blocks to the schedule, but I shall update them when yea, the participants signeth up.

Sincerely and most respectfully, 

Dr. Richard Tozier

\--

Edward Kaspbrak

to me  ˅

Aug 17, 2020, 10:31 AM

Dr. Tozier,

I hope you’re settling in well.

By “goober,” do you mean the HASP key? Like I said at our lab meeting, it’s in the top right-hand drawer of the desk in the portable tracker room. Like I also said at our lab meeting, the HASP key never leaves the lab, as I do not have an extra $5000 in the budget to replace it. I hope you have no problems getting it to work.

I did not realize you were already collecting data. Have you used ExperimentBuilder before? It can be a bit of a learning curve.

Dr. Kaspbrak

\--

Richard Tozier < [ rtozier@derry.edu ](mailto:rtozier@derry.edu) >

to Edward  ˅

Aug 17, 2020, 10:45 AM

Esteemed Colleague and Doctorate Owner Edward Kaspbrak,

I’m settling in very well! You’ve created such a warm and welcoming environment.

Yeah, that. If that’s the USB thing that lets me get past the trial version of EB, then that’s what I mean. There’s always a HASP key, a virus key, a who-cares key so I just call it a goober.

I haven’t done any recruitment yet, but it’s a continuation of a collaboration with my old colleagues at BU, so I went ahead and got an IRB approval over the summer; it should be on its feet soon. No, I haven’t used ExperimentBuilder before, but how hard can it be?

Best Wishes,

Dr. Dick Tozier PhD

\--

Edward Kaspbrak

to me  ˅

Aug 17, 2020, 10:48 AM

In what world is there a device called a virus key?

-EK

\--

Richard Tozier < [ rtozier@derry.edu ](mailto:rtozier@derry.edu) >

to Edward  ˅

Aug 17, 2020, 10:53 AM

My dearest Doctor Kaspbrak,

It is with highest esteem and greatest humility that I recommend for your viewing pleasure the classic film Into the Spider-verse (2018), in order to relieve yourself of the burden of being the only scientist in the entirety of God’s Creation who has not seen it.

Your servant,

Dr. Tozier

* * *

23.

Betty’s phone. Wednesday, lab meeting #2.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Bets: eye twitch

Kool Aid: There it goes again. That was a big one

Bets: three FOUR whew the contractions are coming faster

Donathan: Will you guys please focus? He’s going to notice that you’re not paying attention

Bets: first of all if u think he’s noticing anything besides richie rn ur an idiot

Kool Aid: Second of all me and bets have GREAT poker faces. You’re the one who needs to stop smirking at his computer

Donathan: Stop nudging me.

Bets: tag yourself i’m ek and u two are richie

Donathan: If anything, you two are Richie.

Kool Aid: No you like us too much

Bets: oh my god he’s trying SO hard not to have to talk to richie. do we see the leg bounce

Bets: “we take our work EXTREMELY SERIOUSLY in this lab” the poor undergrads are gonna think he’s a serial killer

Kool Aid: Oh my god look at my Celia she’s shaking a lil

Donathan: No, the nervous one is Celia M. Yours is Celia R. Once again it would be cool if you paid attention.

Kool Aid: Aww we have twins.

Bets: IM THE COOL STEPDAD OF THE LAB LMAO ten points for richie

Kool Aid: Wait what happened I was busy nudging Don

Bets: ek was like “so if u have any questions about anything related to the work we do here or anything that happens inside the lab, i’m ur guy” and then richie was like “and if u have any questions about going outside or having fun talk to me instead”

Kool Aid: 🥶🥶🥶🥶

Bets: i think eddie’s trying to frozone him with his eyes

Kool Aid: Phew that was intense. Are we gonna die this year???

Bets: i think we are???

Kool Aid: Don stop talking to Celia M! Come back and tell us reasonable folksy things about how this is just growing pains

Donathan: Well.

* * *

24

Same Wednesday.

Eddie’s phone.

August 19, 3:07 PM

+1 (617) 555-1130: so why’s it called the calder lab?

Eddie: This must be Dr. Tozier.

+1 (617) 555-1130: at your service. why is it called that

Eddie: It’s an acronym. It stands for cognitive approaches to learning disability educational research

+1 (617) 555-1130: yeah, that part’s on the sign, but like i was wondering if it was after the artist

Eddie: Who?

+1 (617) 555-1130: amazing

Eddie: Not that this hasn’t been delightful, but I didn’t make a lab contact sheet so that you could text me about inane things. I have a class to teach. 

\--

Eddie: [image: screenshot of email]

Eddie: Don’t tell Mike I sent you that I’m pretending to be mature

Bev: ok that’s a little annoying

Bev: but have you not seen spiderverse? we should watch that this weekend

Eddie: No I can’t if I watch it then he wins

August 19, 3:17 PM

Eddie: My life sucks do you wanna get drunk on a Wednesday

Bev: god please I’m already so done with this fucking semester

\--

Richie’s phone.

Chat title: first day of school support group

Richie:  _ [cut off] _ trust again yet

Big Bill: It’s a memoir dickforbrains

Pitter Patter: I’ll go!!

Stanislavski: I’ll go for the free champagne.

Richie: bill u are the fanciest boy i know

August 19, 4:38 PM

Richie: anybody wanna come over and drown out the raucous voices of our mistakes with wine

Stanislavski: Sorry, soccer practice.

Big Bill: Would love 2 but gotta be up early tomorrow cause I’m subbing 4 that comp class

Patty: Pick me pick me!! I want to hug a fat cat 🐱

Richie: rad, come over whenever. onion is ready for u

Richie: [image: fat white cat]

* * *

25.

Patty’s phone. Wednesday night.

Stan 🥰: Let me know when you need a ride back.

Patty: You are very handsome!!

Stan 🥰: Are you drunk already?

Patty: As if it takes more than one glass of wine for me to start telling you that you’re very handsome??

Stan 🥰: 💅

August 19, 7:18 PM

Patty: Richie says I want to know the birdhouse story. Do I want to know the birdhouse story??

Stan 🥰: You can know any story about me that you want, babylove.

August 19, 7:58 PM

Patty: [image: second picture of the same fat white cat]

Stan 🥰: Almost done here. How’s the patient?

Patty: He’s good he had two ciders and now he’s picking apart the guy’s teacher bio

Patty: How much of this do we think is about the guy and how much is about the job?

Stan 🥰: 30/70

Patty: It’s really nice having Richie here in person 🥺🥺

August 19, 8:19 PM

Stan 🥰: Agreed. We’re on our way.

\--

Richie 🤪: pats i’m so glad staniel found someone so cool

Patty: Aww thanks Richie!!!!

Richie 🤪: his first girlfriend when we were kids was named brenda and they broke up when she crashed boys night and i offered her a beer and she immediately went upstairs to tell on me to robin

Patty: LMAO

Patty: I’m glad you think I’m cool even now you know I’m a mess 😬😬

Richie 🤪: oh as if i have even a tiny bit of high ground on that one

Patty: Change is hard!! I think you’re doing good!!

Richie 🤪: i dunno!!!!!

Richie 🤪: this whole shit just feels so high stakes!!

Richie 🤪: i keep telling myself to just like keep my head down and do what i know how to do but then every morning i wake up and spend the whole day watching myself derail a ducking train in slow motion

Patty: GOD I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL

Richie 🤪: i’m like dont fuck it up dont fuck it up and then my brain goes “make fun of him in front of the undergrads!!”

Patty: Ok that’s less relatable to my thing but still same page

* * *

26.

Eddie’s phone.

Richard Tozier: ooh, inane! SAT word

Eddie: Look, if it’s important, email. If it’s an emergency, text. Just some semblance of basic fucking professionalism.

Richard Tozier: is celia m wanting to quit enough of an emergency?

Eddie: I already talked to Don about that and I talked to Celia and she’s not quitting. It’s handled.

Richard Tozier: ok fine we don’t need to talk about it

August 20, 9:28 AM

Eddie: I’m sure you do take your job seriously. We’ll just handle things better in the future.

\--

Bev: NOPE THERE ARE STUDENTS AT THIS BAR WE GOTTA GO

Eddie: Oh my god brat ok fine I closed out your tab for you

August 20, 2:13 AM

Eddie: You get home okay

Bev: ya you

Eddie: Yep

Eddie: Thanks for listening to me be a grumpy asshole

Bev: thanx for listening to me be a frustrated bitch

Bev: i do think it’s gonna be fine though

Eddie: Is it though? I almost scared a college sophomore away from a PAID research job. After one lab meeting. It’s fine if I don’t get along with Richie but I can’t let my work or my students get dragged down with it I just have to mentally disengage with I guess

Eddie: And objectively I know that but then he says some stupid shit and I feel like I’m turning into a fucking werewolf

Bev: ok then figure out a way to deal

Eddie: I can’t fuck up my job Bev I don’t fuck up my job I just don’t do it you know that I can’t

Bev: SO COPE

Bev: it’s a job right?? as much as you act like ur married to it ur not

Bev: if ur raging so hard take up like kickboxing or arson or somethign

Eddie: I should start training for a marathon

Bev: there’s my litle nightmare.

Eddie: Your my best friend Bev

August 20, 9:32 AM

Bev: best friend bring me mcdonalds??

Eddie: Aren’t you teaching a class right now

Bev: FUCK my class!!

* * *

27.

A selection of Richie’s screenshots.

QUALITY 5.0 | DIFFICULTY 3.0

PY340 | Apr 7th, 2020

For Credit: Yes | Attendance: Mandatory | Would Take Again: Yes | Grade: B- | Textbook: Yes

Have you ever seen a man scream at someone so hard over the phone that it makes you believe in god

CLEAR GRADING CRITERIA, RESPECTED

\--

QUALITY 5.0 | DIFFICULTY 3.0

PY419 | 😎 AWESOME | Mar 9th, 2020

For Credit: Yes | Attendance: Mandatory | Would Take Again: Yes | Grade: A | Textbook: Yes

Dr K is nice when you go to his office hours you guys are just cowards

GIVES GOOD FEEDBACK, RESPECTED, CLEAR GRADING CRITERIA

\--

QUALITY 3.0 | DIFFICULTY 3.5

PY299 | Feb 21st, 2020

For Credit: Yes | Would Take Again: No | Textbook: Yes

Edward Kaspbrak would be my mortal enemy had he not taught me so effectively that Freud is my mortal enemy

CLEAR GRADING CRITERIA

\--

August 20, 9:52 AM

Big Bill: hey man do you believe in love at first sight

* * *

28.

Richie’s phone.

August 20, 9:52 AM

Big Bill: Hey man do u believe in love at first sight

Bill: Also is it possible 2 be so attracted 2 someone that u cant legally operate a motor vehicle

* * *

29.

Richie’s phone. Thursday morning.

Richie: i’m gonna need u to look me right in the hairline and tell me if u think i can afford to believe in love at first sight

Big Bill: Don’t be like that Richie!! Ur, like, sexy

Big Bill: I totally would’ve got with u in college if I had a better handle on the whole bisexuality concept

Richie: aww, shucks, thanks big bill

Richie: thank god u didn’t though

Big Bill: Yea our friendship would not have survived that

Richie: anyway tell gay dad about the love of ur life

Big Bill: Can I paint u a picture

Richie: depends, will there be any boobies in it

Big Bill: Hold on I’m gonna get my laptop 4 this

Richie: god.

Big Bill: It was a morning like any other. I awoke with a feeling of slight apprehension, which only increased when I realized that it was already seven-fifteen, and I was expected at the library to substitute for a colleague’s composition course at a time cursed by every religion that exists and many that don’t: 8 AM.

Richie: paint faster dickhole

Big Bill: The important thing is that I looked like shit & was not yet totally in control of my verbal faculties when I showed up to this class, but theoretically that was fine bc I just needed to take attendance & tell the students to pay attention to the librarian

Richie: But reader, it was not fine.

Big Bill: Yes.

Big Bill: I strolled into the classroom in a wrinkled flannel and jeans, which were somehow also wrinkled; I did not know that jeans could wrinkle. My coffee was in the very early stages of crashing against the iceberg of my brain. And I was picking the crust out of the corner of my eye when I saw the Librarian.

Big Bill: The one who’s supposed 2 teach the class abt the library website

Richie: yeah i follow

Big Bill: I felt—and I wish to god I was exaggerating—like I was in an overpowered amusement park wave pool filled with boiling water. I felt like I was the bowling lane all the way at the end that no one ever uses, and this man’s face was a bored bowling alley employee dumping every ball in the place into that lane at once.

Richie: vivid. very gay

Big Bill: Yea it was a lot 2 deal with at 8am

Big Bill: First of all, he is at least six foot three.

* * *

30.

Big Bill: Second of all, he’s hot as shit, but in this way that makes you feel like you’re being cradled in a hammock. He has the face of an angel in that it’s so beautiful it terrifies and comforts you at the same time. Does this make sense?

Richie: i’m gonna go teach my class, but by all means continue

Big Bill: So there I stand, feeling like someone just poured magma down my throat and then sent me on national television, and this man smiles at me and shakes my hand and says “Hi, you must be subbing for Inez.” I say, “Yeah, hi, I’m Bill D—I’m Bill,” because introducing myself with my last name felt pretentious all of a sudden.

Big Bill: And he says—mind you, we are still in the middle of the handshake, so he can feel my clammy mouth breather fingers—“Yeah, I know.”

Big Bill: His smile made me forget that I have organs, but we don’t have time 2 get into that

Big Bill: I spent the whole class sitting in the back and watching him be really good at his job, which I’m sure you understand is very sexy. He has this perfect rhythm of being authoritative enough to be reassuring but also laid-back enough to make the students think he sees them as adults. At one point, he was talking about information literacy, and he pulled up this hoax website that talks about the evidence for Bigfoot, and he winked at me. Imagine that “winked” is in italics. I think that’s everything. I am in love with him.

August 20, 11:04 AM

Richie: dude.

Big Bill: Yeah.

Richie: did u guys have time to talk in between reenacting the party scene from romeo + juliet?

Big Bill: We talked 4 a few minutes at the end of class but I don’t actually remember anything I said. I just kind of looked at his eyebrows & tried not to ask him what his favorite flower was.

Big Bill: I really like men.

Richie: i gathered.

Richie: so what’s the plan now, loverboy?

Big Bill: Haha I dunno go back 2 the library & flirt with him until he marries me I guess

Richie: huh that’s a lot more actionable than i expected

Richie: good for u, man

Big Bill: Thanks Rich! I got so deep into analyzing all my childhood trauma 4 flood & captain that having any fun at all feels like doing poppers or something

Richie: very gay way to phrase that, right on

* * *

31.

Eddie’s phone. Same Thursday.

Mike:  _ [cut off] _ people need love more than ever?

Eddie: I mean working off some tension I get but how are their brains not so overwhelmed by stress that they can’t get it up

Mike: I see. You want all guts no butts.

Eddie: I’m never watching one of your shows ever again

August 20, 4:58

Mike: So I finally met the famous author professor this morning.

Eddie: You mean Bill Denbrough

Mike: Yeah, I just didn’t know if you would know who I meant.

Eddie: Hey I read asshole

Eddie: I own like a hundred audiobooks

Mike: Oh, do you have any Bill Denbrough?

Eddie: No because horror is stupid

Mike: Okay, Malcolm Gladwell superfan

Mike: Anyway, I think he’s into me.

Eddie: Of course he’s into you have you met yourself

Mike: :)

Mike: But seriously, I winked at him when I was doing library instruction for a comp class and he went beet red.

Eddie: You winked at him question mark question mark send

Eddie: Are you going to fuck the author

Mike: He has nice eyes.

Eddie: Are you going to date the author!

Mike: I don’t know.

Mike: He was covering for one of the students he advises, which is technically against the rules, which is kind of appealing in a Robin Hood way. And it was at 8am, so clearly his intentions are better than his judgment, which I am ready to admit is my type. So that’s a maybe

Eddie: You do have kind of a lot going on right now

Mike: Do you think I don’t know that?

Eddie: Sorry.

Eddie: Are you gonna be out of town this weekend

Mike: Yeah, I think so. I should really check in

Eddie: Understandable but also boo

Eddie: I’m ordering Thai to the lab if you want to have dinner with me

Mike: Yeah, I’ll come eat your sadness noodles.

* * *

32.

Mike’s phone. Thursday night.

Chat title: arson committers

Bev:  _ [cut off] _ should say

Mike: You are right. Anyway, I never met the two of them apart, so I don’t really know.

August 20, 7:15 PM

Mike: I met the nemesis.

Bev: oh my god oh my god

Ben: What’s he like?

Mike: I was picturing Howard from the Big Bang theory, so he’s an improvement on that.

Bev: don’t be COY Michael give me deets or give me death

Mike: I’m a grown man. I’m not giving anyone deets about anything.

Bev: you started this text chain!

Ben: Seconded.

Mike: Well, I went to Neibolt to steal some of Eddie’s takeout, and the nemesis was on the way out.

Bev: time of day?

Ben: He was eating in his office again?

Mike: Bev, it was 5:30. Ben, yes, but I also just ate in that office so watch your tone.

Bev: ooh 5:30! a work-life balance!

Mike: Anyway, he’s friendly, mid-30s, seems pretty normal except he was wearing incredibly loud tie-dye socks. Definitely kind of a dweeb. He would only speak to Eddie in a Dame Maggie Smith voice.

Bev: EDDIE KRYPTONITE

Ben: Was it tense?

Mike: Yeah, a little. Eddie just said “this is my friend Mike” and Richie said “oh, well, any friend of the professor is a friend of mine!” And kind of bowed.

Bev: Ben remember when we met and I was drunk and I curtsied at you

Ben: ☺️🙇‍♀️

Mike: He might have hit on me a little bit, but it was hard to tell. I told him I worked in the library and he asked me how tall I was.

Ben: Wait but how was it?

Mike: The flirting? The Thai food?

Ben: No, the Maggie Smith voice

Mike: Uncanny, actually.

* * *

33.

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUHotLibrarian

MOD ADD-ON: No we will not say his name on the account!!!!! If you know who it is then you know and if you don’t then I’m sorry you don’t fucking have eyes

11:10 AM  · Aug 14, 2020

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUHotLibrarian

heard him say “love you ma” on the phone today if i die of this do NOT prosecute

12:09 PM  · Aug 17, 2020

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUHotLibrarian

He is wearing hiking boots in the library rn. Hiking boots. They’re so ugly. I still want him to ruin my life

9:22 AM  · Aug 19, 2020

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUHotLibrarian

just saw a pocket size man with the worst fitting jeans i’ve ever seen shoot his shot w/ hot librarian. A true short king. [MOD ADD-ON: come back and tell us how it went!!!]

12:04 PM  · Aug 21, 2020

* * *

34.

Richie’s phone. Friday.

Steve: [cut off] crystal encyclopedia? The brick? It’s not on my bookshelf

Richie: nope. ask linden?

Steve: She doesn’t have it either but I know I let one of you borrow it

Richie: not me, i still have my own copy from college

August 18, 2:29pm

Steve: Found it in the back of my short bookshelf

August 21, 1:30 pm

Steve: Well we’ve already started running it with Korean and Mandarin speakers, so they should be finished by October. What’s your timeline with English speakers

Richie: piloting next week, already recruiting from the du psych pool, might not be done by october, but not too much longer 

Steve: Can you send me or Qiuyu a screen recording of one of the pilots when it’s complete? We need to make sure it’s as close to the original as possible across softwares. No deviations

Richie: experiment builder doesn’t like screen recording but i can send you a copy of the debug file and you should be able to run it with the demo version of eb on any of the lab computers

Steve: OK, I guess we can do that. Are you sure it’s not easier to just use open sesame like in the originals

Richie: it’s not compatible with the hardware here, sorry. we have to pick the lesser of two pains in the ass

Steve: Will I have it by Monday

Richie: sure why not

Steve: The English speaker participant group should be the easiest to put together and run

Richie: yep

Steve: Do I have those revisions from you yet

Richie: sent em yesterday

Steve: OK

* * *

35.

Richie’s phone. Friday.

Chat title: Salt n Pepa

August 21, 2:00 PM

Pitter Patter: Richie, cancel your plans for this weekend!!

Richie: holy shit, are u guys finally gonna let me into the relationship

Stanislavski: Not even if Patty begged me to do so on her deathbed.

Pitter Patter: Dick!!

Richie: u rang?

Stanislavski: It’s caterer weekend.

Pitter Patter: There’s a big cymbal hit here but you have to use your imagination ⚡⚡

Richie: FREE FOOD FOR RICHIE???

Stanislavski: Not if you talk in third person all weekend.

Pitter Patter: Stan’s just grumpy because he has a cold and he can’t taste anything. My sister’s on ER call all weekend, so she can’t come up. I guess what I’m trying to say is: Richie, will you do me the honor of taste-testing tiny meatballs with me?? 🥺🥺

Richie: i’m so shocked!! i really didn’t see this coming at all!! mom, did u know about this?? omg, yes, of course, a million times yes!! don’t make me ruin my mascara before we take pictures!!!!!

Stanislavski: Every day, I am shocked that no woman has murdered you yet.

Richie: god made me gay as an act of mercy

Pitter Patter: So you’ll be there?? Sat and Sun 12-3??

Richie: FUCK

Richie: i really want to but i have a shitton of work to do this weekend

Richie: i promised steve this paradigm and i’m still knee-deep in youtube tutorials about how to actually use the programming software. this is boring to even type

Pitter Patter: Steve’s not the boss of you anymore 😡😡

Richie: isn’t he though

Pitter Patter: We already know which caterer we’re actually going to pick, so I really only need you for the one on Sunday afternoon!! Please Richie?? Pleeeeease 💞💞

Pitter Patter: 🍝🍝

Richie: stan u have to say it

Stanislavski: Please.

Richie: okay yeah, i can be done by sunday afternoon

* * *

36.

Eddie’s phone. Saturday.

Eddie: Well so are mine

August 22, 4:47

Paul Alcott: Have you found the 2012 paperwork yet?

Eddie: No. I’m sure she has it. Some of her other things have been moved from the storage unit

Paul Alcott: We can get the access records for the storage facility if you want her to get a slap on the wrist

Eddie: No I don’t want to bother

Paul Alcott: She’s still insistent on talking to you directly. If you want to speed things up, you might have to.

Eddie: Absolutely not.

\--

Chat title: CALDER

Eddie: We can do EEG training next week Friday. Nobody should have participants to run before then.

Betty R: as long as we’re done before like 6 i can do that. i gotta hot date

Adrian M: Tell the love of my life I say hi

August 22, 5:35 PM

Eddie: Did anyone misplace the HASP key? It’s not in the drawer. You all know it’s not supposed to leave the lab.

Don H: Definitely not me. I’ve been doing EEG all week.

Eddie: Adrian? Betty:

August 22, 6:50 PM

Adrian M: Sorry for the late reply! I would have been more prompt; my phone just gets really slow whenever its Saturday night

Adrian M: I havent even set food into the portable eyetracker room since probably April

Eddie: Betty?

August 22, 8:01 PM

Betty R: sorry i had the same problem as adrian and no i do not have the doohickey but i’ll help you look on monday

Don H: It’s really small. It probably just fell under something.

Eddie: I’ve already looked all over the lab. Have any of you touched it this semester at all

Don H: No.

Adrian M: Nope.

Betty R: not since i showed richie where it was like five days ago

Eddie: Right of course

Eddie: Thanks

* * *

37.

Eddie’s phone. Saturday night.

Subject: HASP key [inbox]

Edward Kaspbrak <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 8:12 PM

Dr. Tozier,

Do you know where the HASP key is? I’m unable to find it in the lab, and I’ve talked to all of my graduate students, who have assured me that they haven’t taken it anywhere. Did you put it away somewhere besides the top right drawer of the eye-tracking desk?

Dr. Kaspbrak

\-- 

Richard Tozier

to Edward  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 9:20 PM

Professor Dr. Kaspbrak, Esq.,

Do you mean the goober?

Humbly,

Dr. Tozier

Sent from my iPhone

\--

Edward Kaspbrak <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 9:22 PM

I mean the USB thumb drive that unlocks the full version of ExperimentBuilder, which I know you have been using this week, and which we have a policy to keep in the lab at all times, because it’s small and breakable and very expensive to replace.

\- EK

\--

Richard Tozier

to me  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 9:50 PM

Doctor of Philosophy in Psychology Edward Kaspbrak,

Yeah, sorry. I took it home this weekend so I could work without letting my cats starve. Crunch time, yanno?

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Dr. Tozier

Sent from my iPhone

* * *

38.

Eddie’s phone.

To Richard Tozier (DRAFT)

YOU BROUGHT IT HOME, YOU FUCKING CRETIN? YOU FRATTY SHITHEADED OBNOXOIUS CLOWN PRICK FUKCING SHITHOLE FUCKBAG IDCKWEED THORN IN MY SIDE SADIST FUUCK??????????

\- EK

\--

Edward Kaspbrak <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 9:56 PM

Glad to hear it’s not lost or broken. Bring it back.

\- EK

\--

Richard Tozier

to me  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:00 PM

Dr. K,

First thing tomorrow. My apologies.

Sent from my iPhone

\--

Edward Kaspbrak <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:02 PM

No, bring it back tonight.

* * *

39.

Eddie’s phone.

Richard Tozier

to me  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:05 PM

It’s ten at night. On a Saturday.

Sent from my iPhone

\--

Edward Kaspbrak <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:07 PM

I’m aware of that.

\--

Richard Tozier

to me  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:10 PM

You can’t be serious. Why are you even in the lab?

Sent from my iPhone

\--

Edward Kaspbrak <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:12 PM

I’m doing my fucking job. I’m very serious.

* * *

40.

Eddie’s phone.

Richard Tozier

to me  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:14 PM

This is nuts.

Sent from my iPhone

\--

Edward Kaspbrak <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:15 PM

No, you breaking the one rule I actually needed you to follow is ridiculous. Bring the key back and we’ll pretend this didn’t happen.

\--

Richard Tozier

to me  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:17 PM

Fine. I will get in my car at ten fucking fifteen at night to bring you your precious key for work that you absolutely do not need to do before tomorrow morning or Monday.

Sent from my iPhone

\--

Edward Kaspbrak <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:19 PM

It’s the principle of the thing. Don’t crash your car driving with your head up your ass.

* * *

41.

Eddie’s phone.

Richard Tozier

to me  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:30 PM

You wanna know something? You’re an uptight neurotic workaholic hamster man that doesn’t know how to fucking talk to people and I don’t like you.

Sent from my iPhone

\--

Edward Kaspbrak

to Richard  ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:32 PM

Well, you’re an overgrown ducking frat boy Sasquatch with a receding hairline who doesn’t know how to do his god damn job and you annoy the everloving shit out of me. I can see you sitting in the parking lot on your phone. Bring me the USB.

Sent from my iPhone

\--

Richard Tozier

to me ˅

Aug 22, 2020, 10:33 PM

yeah, yeah, clench any harder and you’ll break the stick up your ass.

Sent from my iPhone

* * *

42.

Eddie’s phone. Sunday morning.

Subject: RE: 8/22/20 [Inbox]

Edward Kaspbrak <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Aug 23, 2020, 7:03 AM

Dr. Tozier,

That can’t happen again.

-EK

\--

Richard Tozier

to me  ˅

Aug 23, 2020, 9:21 AM

Dr. Kaspbrak,

What, the part where I took the HASP key home, or the part where you sucked my soul out through my dick?

Dr. Tozier

Sent from my iPhone

* * *

43.

Eddie’s phone, Sunday morning.

Eddie:  _ [cut off] _ and I talked to Celia and she’s not quitting. It’s handled.

Richard Tozier: ok fine we don’t need to talk about it

August 20, 9:28 AM

Eddie: I’m sure you do take your job seriously. We’ll just handle things better in the future.

August 23, 2020, 10:10 AM

Eddie: You absolutely cannot send shit like that to my DU email

Richard Tozier: ooooh we’re texting. does that make this an emergency

Eddie: You are such an asshole

Eddie: Really do you enjoy making my life harder

Richard Tozier: i’ve been known to

Eddie: Jesus fucking Christ Tozier can I please just get through this conversation

Richard Tozier: can u

Eddie: It was stupid and a mistake and it’s not happening again

Richard Tozier: u started it

Eddie: You finished it

Richard Tozier: lol

Eddie: Fuck you

Eddie: Shut up

Eddie: Can we or can we not agree to never talk about or repeat last night ever again question mark send

Richard Tozier: yeah dude, whatever u want period send

Richard Tozier: i’m not exactly proud of myself for that either

Eddie [draft]: Could’ve fooled me

Eddie: Great.

Richard Tozier: great.

Richard Tozier: i should congratulate u though

Eddie: Whatever you’re going to say fuck you

Richard Tozier: ur a very talented man

* * *

44.

Eddie’s phone. Sunday morning.

Ben: Sure you are 😌⭐Centered or on the right?

Eddie: On the right centered makes it look like a funeral home

Ben: Good point. Thanks Eds!

August 23, 12:06 PM

Eddie: Can we have a brief conversation that Bev never finds out about ever

Ben: Is it something bad?

Eddie: It’s just embarrassing

Ben: Then yes of course

Eddie: You and Bev have had sex in academic buildings before

Ben: 😳✔️

Eddie: And nothing bad happened to you afterward like the cops didn’t come to your house and you didn’t get fired and then die

Ben: No, dude. Are you catastrophizing?

Eddie: Maybe

Ben: Was it after hours?

Eddie: Yes

Ben: Was there a door and did you lock it?

Eddie: Yeah

Ben: Were there uncovered windows overlooking a busy area?

Eddie: No

Ben: Did both of you enthusiastically agree to do what you did?

Eddie: Yeah of course

Ben: Then you’re fine 🍃😌

Ben: Like, I don’t recommend it as a regular course of action, but maybe it’s a good thing that you did something a little crazy. Fun Eddie!

Eddie: First of all crazy is not fun and second of all this particular thing is never happening again so don’t get your hopes up

Ben: Fun Eddie with a boyfriend...

Eddie: You know I’m not dating but thanks for your help

Ben: No problem!

Ben: Can I ask why I can’t tell Bev about this conversation?

Eddie: She’d ask who it was

Ben: Ah.

Ben:...it’s hot though, right

Eddie: Yeah.

* * *

45.

Bill’s phone. Sunday afternoon.

Bill:  _ [cut off] _ and ur a little cheesedick bastard

Richie: 🖕

August 23, 5:23 PM

Richie: billiam i did something slutty

Bill: Gr8 opening line. Can I steal it

Richie: do u not want details

Bill: Do you want 2 give me details

Richie: yes. no. some of them

Richie: u should at least ask

Richie: it was really slutty

Bill: Obviously i want 2 know

Bill: Who was it with

Richie:  _ [typing] _

Bill: What was the act? Where?

Richie:  _ [typing] _

Richie: well now i don’t know what details i can tell you

Bill: I hate u

Richie: ok u know that thing in clark gable movies where the people are yelling at each other and then they make out

Bill: That’s not that slutty

Richie: it became slutty

Bill: Are u clark gable or the girl

Richie: that’s a hell of a question

Bill: Forget i asked

Richie: if i had to guess probably the girl

* * *

46.

Bill’s phone. Tuesday.

Subject: Congratulations + Invitation [Inbox]

Harifa Murray

to me  ˅

2:15 PM (0 minutes ago)

Dear DU English,

Please join me in congratulating Professor Denbrough, author of  _ Flood and Captain, _ to be published by Penguin Books on Saturday, September 12th. Penguin will be hosting a launch party here in Derry that evening, beginning at 7 p.m. in the Victoria Room at the Hyatt Regency on Copeland. They have extended a special invitation to the English department: come with your Derry University ID for a 50% discount on your first copy of  _ Flood and Captain. _

You can find more information about the event here:  [ http://bit.ly/2XE5Z3b ](http://bit.ly/2XE5Z3b)

Well done, Bill, and we hope to see all of you there!

Best,

Harifa

________________________

Harifa Murray

Professor and Chair

Department of English

College of Arts and Sciences

102 Torrance Hall - Box 849583

Derry University

Derry ME 04402

hmurray@derry.edu

207.555.9524

\--

[image: a poster for the event, white text over a photograph of a paper boat on water stating the time, date, location, and title]

* * *

47.

Bill’s phone. Tuesday.

August 25, 3:13

+1 (207) 555-8689: Hey, man. It’s Mike.

Bill: Who

Librarian Mike: Mike Hanlon. From the library.

Bill: Oh god sorry that was terrible. I was just trying 2 be funny; I’ve only awkwardly given my number 2 one guy named Mike in the past, uh, ever

Librarian Mike: ⅖ stars.

Bill: In my defense u gave me 4 days 2 overthink my opening line

Librarian Mike: In mine, I wanted to wait until I had a solid first conversation topic.

Bill: & u found one?

Librarian Mike: I just sent some of our library assistants off to hang up your book launch poster.

Bill: I see how it is.. U wait till u know I’m still a productive writer before u call me back

Librarian Mike: Oh, no. This is just texting. I don’t call a guy until I see a credit score and a bank statement.

Bill: Hahaha

Bill: I know it looks bad but that Madoff guy just seemed so nice

Librarian Mike: Oh, well, in that case, I’ve got some Theranos stock to sell you.

Bill: Full truth? I tried 2 get into that podcast & kept falling asleep

Librarian Mike: Oh, my god. It was so boring.

Bill: Who needs Ambien when u can just hear the word “investor”

Librarian Mike: Seriously. So are you looking forward to the launch?

Bill: Yes & no? I’m glad the book will be out but those launch parties make me feel like it’s my 12th birthday & the entire staff at Olive Garden is singing 2 me

Librarian Mike: With or without some kind of birthday-related hat?

Bill: With.

Librarian Mike: Yikes :O then why do you do them?

Bill: Publisher likes it & I have 2 give in on PR stuff sometimes. At least I got them 2 move it 2 Derry this time

Librarian Mike: Maybe I should come for moral support.

Bill: Oh my god I can’t take a guy out 4 the first time 2 a party where there’s a poster of my face

Librarian Mike: I guess you’ll just have to take me out before then :)

Bill: Haha I guess so

August 25, 4:21 PM

Bill: So what podcasts do u listen 2

* * *

48.

Betty’s phone. Wednesday.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Kool Aid: Good news! I think the Tozier effect is waning

Bets: wym

Kool Aid: My IRB got sent back again and he was a normal amount of annoyed

Bets: thank god, i was catching his ibs

Kool Aid: How do u not already have IBS. Were in grad school

Bets: i get laid on the reg take a probiotic and stop whining

Donathan: So are we committed to calling it the Tozier effect?

Bets: yes

Kool Aid: Yes

August 26, 12:09 PM

Bets: koolaid man u spoke too soon

Kool Aid: Are we in the twilight zone

Bets: “kaspbrak” “tozier” homie we’re not in cadet kelly

Donathan: They call each other by rank in that movie, not last name.

Kool Aid: Ugh marry me

Kool Aid: Look at least theyre talking

Bets: [don voice] would we call trading monosyllabic utterances talking?

Donathan: It’s better than last week.

Kool Aid: Maybe its bc theyre not making eye contact. Like if we put horse blinders on them theyd get along so well

Bets: kinky

Kool Aid: Is Stevie in richies class?

Bets: yes 🥺🥺 she adores him

Donathan: When she walked in before you guys got here, she was like “how’s my favorite teacher” and Richie said “as good as your first quiz grade, curve-ruiner.” It was very cute.

Kool Aid: Did richie just say he’s already piloting his study

Bets: oh no there’s the eyetwitch

Donathan: The Tozier effect returns.

Bets: that part in lilo and stitch where they’re talking abt his badness levels but instead of badness it’s ek’s competitiveness

Kool Aid: …..he’s domesticated Stitch

* * *

49.

Eddie’s phone. Wednesday afternoon.

Richard Tozier:  _ [cut off] _ period send

Richard Tozier: i’m not exactly proud of myself for that either

Eddie: Great.

Richard Tozier: great.

Richard Tozier: i should congratulate u though

Eddie: Whatever you’re going to say fuck you

Richard Tozier: ur a very talented man

August 26, 12:48 PM

Eddie: Can I talk to you in my office after this

Richard Tozier: aye aye capn

\--

< Notes

August 26, 2020, 1:14 PM

YOU HAVE TO FUCKING REPLY DUDE

Well you were the one who made the noise

ITS UR OFFICE MAN JUST SAY U STUBBED UR TOE SO SHELL LEAVE

I hate u

\--

August 26, 1:39 PM

Richard Tozier: i’m looking in the eeg desk but there’s no baby wipes

Eddie: Check the eye-tracking desk

Richard Tozier: makeup wipes ok?

Eddie: Whatever those should work

Eddie: Hurry up one of the grad students might come back from lunch early and your hair looks incriminating

Richard Tozier: AND WHOSE FUCKING FAULT IS THAT

August 26, 3:02 PM

Eddie: Did you steal my fucking tide stick

Richard Tozier: u made me late for my meeting

Eddie: You could’ve said you had a meeting asshole

Richard Tozier: sure because u gave me so much time to say things

Eddie: Fuck wait I just remembered I actually did need to talk to you about Andre’s schedule

Richard Tozier: jesus christ. i can come back after my class

Eddie: Better not. Basically you can have him to run participants starting next week but Betty needs him tomorrow and Friday

Richard Tozier: cool. we have to stop doing that

Eddie: Yeah that thing with Kay was way too close of a call

* * *

50.

Richie’s phone. Thursday morning.

Richie: jesus christ. i can come back after my class

Professor Doctor: Better not. Basically you can have him to run participants starting next week but Betty needs him tomorrow and Friday

Richie: cool. we have to stop doing that

Professor Doctor: Yeah that thing with Kay was way too close of a call

August 27, 9:31 AM

Richie: “hey do you know if anything’s up with kaspbrak?” - kay this morning

Professor Doctor: You didn’t fucking say anything did you

Richie: obviously not, jesus christ, i just thought it was funny

Richie: you’ll be shocked to know that i don’t want my coworkers to know i used my lunch break to screw my worst enemy in his office

Professor Doctor: Worst enemy what are you twelve

Richie: “his office door was locked during lunch yesterday. It sounded kinda like he was crying” - kay

Professor Doctor: It’s not my fault you make weird noises

Richie: it’s not my fault ur apparently the kind of person who cries in his office

Professor Doctor: Can we not make this a part of the Richie Tozier comedy hour

Richie: it’s funny. it’s really fucking funny. ur office neighbor knocked on ur door when we were 30 seconds into a gross office nooner and then we kept going. i bonked my head on the bottom of your desk and u got baby batter on ur laptop. why do u insist on living in a world where these things are somehow tragic

Professor Doctor: First of all you are banned from the words baby batter and nooner forever

Professor Doctor: Second of all it’s because I care about my fucking job and if Kay had walked in that could have been put at risk

Richie: yeah, but she didn’t. the door was locked, i ducked under your desk anyway, it was fine

Professor Doctor: I need my colleagues to think of me as a professional

Richie: yeah dude so do i

Richie: and yet u think of me as a sex god and kay thinks of u as a crybaby with a broken toe. we can’t always get what we want

Professor Doctor: Is your head okay

Richie: i get rave reviews

Professor Doctor: For fuck’s sake Richie

Richie: yeah my head’s fuckin fine. it’s my neck you should be worried about that angle was kind of brutal

* * *

51.

Richie’s phone

Chat title: first day of school support group

August 27, 11:49 AM

Richie: hey does anyone have an hour or two free today? i know it’s a long shot, but kaspbrak stole the undergrad who was supposed to help me pilot this thing and i really wanna get it over with

Stanislavski: Do I have to know how to do anything?

Richie: no, it’s just troubleshooting. u sit there and press a button until something goes horribly wrong. 

Richie: i’ll get u a six pack of that thing from kennebec brewing co

Stanislavski: I can be there at 1.

Richie: knew i could count on u, staniel

\--

[texts with Stanislavski]

Stanislavski: You just thought I looked like Chekov.

August 27, 1:04 PM

Richie: the room’s soundproof i can see u but i can’t hear u

Stan: Right. Got it. What’s supposed to be happening?

Richie: are u hearing nonsense words from the speakers?

Stan: Yep

Richie: just keep pressing the first button on the button box whenever the sound stops

Richie: hey can i admit something mushy to u while we can’t make eye contact

Stan: Sure.

Richie: u seem really happy, man. 

Stan: I am.

Richie: awwww the stan smile o:)

Stan: What’s that O supposed to be?

Richie: it’s ur kippah

Stan: 🙄

Richie: i mean it, though. u and patty make me all warm and fuzzy. i really gamed the system by being all the way in boston for the years that sucked and then moving here for the stan uris happy ending lmao

Stan: I think your particular level of fuzz is genetic, actually.

Stan: And there was no way to stop those years from being bad, Rich. You did what you could.

Richie: i know. but still. u just really deserve someone like patty.

Stan: Is it my turn to admit something… mushy?

Richie: please

Stan: There isn’t anyone like Patty.

Stan: I know it’s stupid, but I keep thinking it.

Richie: that’s not stupid

* * *

52.

Richie’s phone.

Stan: I don’t really have words for it. Yesterday she was talking about going to the venue and looking at chair options and I was excited to do it because she’d be there. I’d be excited to go to the dentist if she came with me. I feel like I found 42.

Richie: (in an ancient computer voice) take her chair shopping

Stan: Smartass. I’m serious. What’s the point of being with someone if you’re not excited to go places with them?

Richie: gee wiz mister ur right i’ve always had very simple feelings about going out in public with someone i’m seeing

Richie: shit please don’t make that face i don’t know why i’m being an asshole

Stan: No, that’s fair.

Stan: I’m not going to pretend that I know what that’s like, Richie. I know it’s been more complicated for you than for me. I just think that even with all the other factors, it can still really matter that you’re excited to be around that person, and they’re excited to be around you.

Richie: maybe so, stan the man

August 27, 2:06 PM

Stan: Does the blank screen mean it’s done?

Richie: yeah i’ll come get u

* * *

53.

Richie’s phone. Still Thursday.

Richie: can i ask ya somethin eds

Professor Doctor: Don’t call me that

Richie: and try not to go into rigor mortis, because i really am just trying to understand

Richie: what’s ur deal

Professor Doctor: Why do you talk like you’re a nineteen-year-old on a skateboard

Richie: are u in the closet? am i the first guy? am i a home wrecker? am i under some kind of pheromone curse that makes me sexy up close and disgusting from more than three feet away?

Professor Doctor: What? No no no and what kind of fucking porn do you watch

Professor Doctor: I don’t owe you any of that information in the first place

Richie: well what the fuck is it, then? why do u keep jumping me and then freaking out?

Professor Doctor: Look I had a lot of pent-up shit and you pissed me off with the key thing and I broke I guess I don’t know people break

Richie: ok, what about yesterday?

Professor Doctor: I don’t know! You were sitting in my chair. I walked in and I really meant to talk to you about logistics and you were sitting in my fucking chair

Richie: cool, well, climbing into my lap whenever i annoy u isn’t a good way to get me to stop

Richie: that’s not flirting i actually mean it

Richie: if u want to not do this, u can just not do it. it’s not hard

Professor Doctor: Well you could also not do it

Richie: yeah well unfortunately for me i’m attracted to u and u keep throwing urself at me and ur not the only one who’s pent-up, so. 

Richie: I’ve got much less of a problem with ur dick than with ur personality

Professor Doctor: You’re disgusting

Richie: case in point

Richie: get a better coping mechanism man i really don’t need this

Professor Doctor: I do!

Professor Doctor: Have better coping mechanisms

Professor Doctor: We’re not doing this again

Richie: that’s all i ask

Richie: i’ll try to be less seductively obnoxious

Professor Doctor: How kind of you

Richie: buy a fleshlight

Professor Doctor: Kiss my ass

* * *

54.

Mike’s phone. Thursday night & Friday morning.

Eddie: Go on a run with me.

Mike: Ugh. Ask Ben.

Eddie: He and Bev are out at a fucking gallery

Mike: Oh, art. God forbid :/

Eddie: Art is fine galleries suck

Mike: Wolf boy. Do you wanna come to that HIIT class with me tomorrow morning?

Eddie: Yeah sure want me to drive

Mike: Sure. Do you wanna talk about whatever it is?

Eddie: Can’t going on a run

\--

Bill: He has his place!

Mike: And where’s that, National Treasure or National Treasure: Book of Secrets?

Bill: Horror!

Mike: Wicker Man was terrible, Bill.

Bill: Yeah but that wasn’t his fault!!

Bill: His acting is super over-the-top but he can really sell surrealism like no other actor alive. Nothing makes u suspend disbelief like seeing Nick Cage

Mike: Face/Off.

Bill: Face off aside!! Have u seen Mandy?? Or mom and dad?? Those are good vehicles 4 him

Mike: I haven’t seen a lot of horror movies, actually.

Bill: Oh, ur killing me. How many will u let me show u before u lose all interest in me

Mike: More than you think :)

Bill: Hahaha

Mike: Damn, that IS embarrassing.

Bill: I know how 2 commit. Your turn

Mike: Christopher Eccleston in Doctor Who.

Bill: That’s not that embarrassing he’s factually sexy

\--

Mike: Well she might have a point there!

August 28, 9:33 AM

Ma: I think this will be a good morning to call… he seems alert 💞💗

Mike: Okay, I will when I take lunch :)

August 28, 12:37 PM

Mike: You’re right, Ma, he does sound better :)

Ma: Didn’t I tell you! He also says the next time you come down he’ll beat you at chess... 💓💞💖

Mike: Haha, all right. Next weekend ok?

Ma: Your dad says he loves you… ❤️

Mike: Well, tell him I love him too.

* * *

55.

Bill’s phone. Friday afternoon.

Bill: _ [cut off] _ unpleasant things

Richie: what? have these philosophers never heard of self-loathing?

Bill: I kind of agree with u but the idea of “unpleasant” is more complicated than that

Richie: leave me alone, the matrix is good!!

August 28, 1:28 PM

Bill: Richie am I allowed 2 ask a man out thru text

Richie: Ur not not allowed to

Richie: Is this about that librarian

Bill: “That librarian” dick I monologued abt him 2 u today

Richie: well i was trying to give u a little dignity but ok

Richie: do u feel ready to be that direct?

Bill: Why not? I like him & either we’re going 2 date or we aren’t & i’d rather figure that out now

Richie: okay, man. if u want to, i’m all for it.

Richie: imaginary tequila shot for luck?

Bill: It’s imaginary 5 o’clock somewhere

Bill: Bottoms up

Richie: salud

* * *

56.

Bill’s phone. Saturday afternoon.

Bill: I agree!

August 28, 1:34 PM

Bill: Hey what are u doing this weekend?

Librarian Mike: Waiting for you to ask, actually.

Bill: Hahaha

Librarian Mike: A little work, a little reading, mostly free.

Bill: Oh what are u reading?

Librarian Mike: The City in the Middle of the Night, I think.

Bill: Oh that’s a fantastic read

Librarian Mike: Yeah, I’m excited to get into it.

Librarian Mike: So, is there a reason you asked?

Bill: Because I think u have good taste & also the books someone reads tell u a lot about them, I guess

Librarian Mike: I mean, I agree, but I meant your question about what I’m doing this weekend.

Bill: Yes. Right. There is a reason; I’m just working up 2 it

Librarian Mike: Hey, don’t stress yourself out about it. It can just be a question.

Bill: Do u like dogs

Librarian Mike: Is this a trick question?

Bill: No?

Librarian Mike: I love dogs, actually.

Bill: Do u want 2 go on a walk

Bill: Fuck

Bill: I meant I’m planning on taking my dog hiking this weekend & I’m asking if u want 2 come with

Bill: U seem outdoorsy so I thought maybe u might want 2

Bill: I mean the main point of the exercise would be 2 spend time with u but

Bill: Not that I don’t take my dog hiking b/c I do

Bill: We hike a lot

Bill: A normal amount

Bill: So

Bill: Just let me know

Librarian Mike: Sorry, someone needed help finding third floor access!

Librarian Mike: I’m in! I love hiking, and that sounds really fun.

Bill: Ok!!! Great!!!

Bill: Aroostook trailhead? Tomorrow at noon?

Librarian Mike: Looking forward to it :)

Bill: Me 2 :)

* * *

57.

Mike’s phone. Saturday afternoon & evening.

Mike: [image: a light-colored golden retriever walking through woods]

Mike: Eddie! Look at this dog.

Eddie: Oh holy shit that’s a good dog

Eddie: Good boy

Eddie: Whose??

Mike: Bill Denbrough’s.

Eddie: Get back to your date old man

Eddie: You can gloat to me afterward

\--

Mike: So.

Eddie: So

Mike: It went well.

Eddie: And?

Mike: He was very cute and sincere and he opened my car door for me.

Eddie: And??

Mike: It was just one date.

Eddie: But???

Mike: I like the way he looks at me.

Eddie: Michael Leroy Hanlon.

* * *

58.

Bill’s phone, Saturday night.

Bill: I think I see u! Green chevy?

Librarian Mike: Yep! Hi, handsome.

August 29, 6:19 PM

Bill: That was really fun

Librarian Mike: Yeah, I had a great time today. Thanks, Bill :)

Bill: No, thank u!

Bill: U should see shelley right now; she’s wiped out on the stairs

Librarian Mike: Better there than her mother’s grave, I guess!

Bill: Hahahahahaha

Librarian Mike: So, Wednesday?

Bill: Looking forward 2 it! Did we decide where 2 meet?

Librarian Mike: I have a place in mind :) just pick me up at the library; it’s walking distance from campus.

Bill: What’s it called?

Librarian Mike: It’s a surprise!

Bill: Should I be nervous

Librarian Mike: Never. I seem to remember you saying that you think I have great taste, actually ;)

Bill: In books at least haha

Librarian Mike: No, I have good taste in everything.

* * *

59.

Richie’s phone, Saturday evening.

Chat title: first day of school support group

August 29, 3:46 PM

Pitter Patter: So everyone is good to do Labor Day?? 🎉🎉

Richie: aye

Pitter Patter: Bill??

Richie: shh don’t wake him! he’s on a date

Pitter Patter: A date!!

Stanislavski: Librarian, right? Finally someone I can respect.

Pitter Patter: Oh, honey, this is THE Librarian!! Remember the one I pointed out to you??

Stanislavski: Well.

Stanislavski: Good for Bill.

Richie: right??

August 29, 6:50 PM

Big Bill: Yeah, I can do labor day

Pitter Patter: Date!!

Stanislavski: I would also like to know.

Big Bill: It was good! I think it went well. shelley really liked him

Richie: i still can’t believe u introduced the guy to ur kid on the first date

Pitter Patter: Or is it more like meeting the parents??

Richie: pats are u saying the dog is his mom?

Richie: bc if so, i’m intrigued, and i want to pick ur brain about this

Stanislavski: I’m glad your date went well, Bill.

Big Bill: Haha me 2

* * *

60.

Bill’s phone, Saturday night.

Bill: Disaster.

Richie: no!

Bill: Yes.

Richie: what happened?

Bill: Well he looked perfect & he talked 2 shelley in this goofy deep voice so i almost died before we even got on the trail

Bill: & then he was very easy to talk to & he’s smart & thoughtful & he makes these wild intuitive leaps between ideas

Richie: hot

Bill: & then before we even left we talked abt seeing each other again

Richie: so, what, did he spontaneously piss on ur car? i’m not seeing the problem

Bill: I did not kiss him.

Richie: so? sometimes it’s not a kiss date, dude, relax

Bill: No, i wanted 2 so badly i kept losing my train of thought looking at him, but I just couldn’t make myself do it

Bill: I had a mental block about it

Richie: that’s okay!

Bill: What if he thinks we were just having a friendly hangout

Richie: “Waiting for you to ask, actually”

Bill: I don’t know!!

Richie: well, ARE u seeing him again?

Bill: Yes coffee on wed

Richie: play footsie with him under the table then, man. work up to it

Richie: there’s no such thing as platonic footsie

Bill: Why do I take ur advice so seriously?

Richie: bc i got laid three days ago, making me the king of dick? 

Bill: Right

Bill: Wait what

* * *

61.

Eddie’s phone. The following Monday morning.

Chat title: B&B

Bev: what if I pretended to get appendicitis?

Ben: You had your appendix taken out in high school.

Bev: fuck. what about pneumonia

Eddie: You have pneumonia and you’re going to go seek treatment on the upper west side and that’s why you’re in so many pictures at New York fashion week

Bev: I could wear like a venetian mask? that could be a statement

Eddie: Is the statement that you’re a gay bank robber past his prime

Bev: I’m mad at you but lol

Ben: You’re just gonna have to wait, babe 😔🕙

Ben: Most of the big shows are over the weekend, right?

Bev: YEAH but I want to see all the little weirdies in the middle more!! I wanna see the tiny labels and the student shows and shit!! get down n dirty!!

Eddie: Well tragically you have to instead do your job

Bev: 👺

Bev: Eds do you wanna teach my classes for me

Bev: you can draw like molecules right? that could be a fun lesson plan.

Eddie: I failed chemistry my first semester of college

Ben: Draw brains for the kids. They’d love it!

Bev: Ben’s on board with the plan!!

Ben: Ben is not on board with the plan!

Eddie: When are you guys leaving?

Ben: Thursday around noon. We’re supposed to be there in time for Badgley Mischka!

Bev: you and Mike alone will probably actually do better at trivia than we usually do lol

Eddie: Nah Mike is going to his parents

Ben: Oh no, I’m sorry we’re leaving you alone! 🥺🙏

Eddie: Oh I’m fine with it I just got sent like six new articles to review so I’ll keep busy

Bev: I’ll steal you something from Gucci babe 😘

* * *

62.

Kay’s phone, Tuesday September 1st.

Kay: I mean, I don’t want to objectify you. But.

Audra ☺️: no, do it.

Kay: Call me after work?

Audra ☺️: 😏😏 next year when I’ll just have to bring you so you can see the dress in person..

Kay: Yeah?

Audra ☺️: yeah.

Audra ☺️: so what’s new in your neck of the woods?

Kay: Oh, lots of equally impressive fashion moments happening here.

Kay: Tall reply guy’s patterned button-downs have become increasingly loud as the semester wears on. There have been citrus fruits, that 90s triangle thing, etc.

Audra ☺️: oh I love Memphis shapes!!! he sounds fun!!!

Kay: I love that you know what that’s called.

Kay: Oh, yesterday it was mermaids!

Audra ☺️: like mermaid scales or entire mermaids?

Kay: Entire mermaids.

Audra ☺️: damn, that’s a choice.

Kay: And short reply guy is clearly fuming, which is very funny.

Audra ☺️: is he like a stickler about professional dress or something?

Kay: He’s a stickler about everything. 

Kay: Not that he can actually say anything, because he started going to the gym at lunch, so we’ve all seen his athleisure now. They had a full John Wayne showdown in the hallway on mermaid day.

Audra ☺️: YES

Kay: There was maybe a full minute of glaring and then short guy said “nice shirt” and tall guy said “nice shorts” and I don’t know who won, but it was intense.

Audra ☺️: short guy walked away first didn’t he?

Kay: How’d you know?

Audra ☺️: because he lost 😂

Audra ☺️: am I allowed to hate him?

Kay: No!

Kay: He was the one who changed my tire in the slushy gross parking lot last winter!

Kay: He really is usually a pleasant guy; they just bring something out in each other.

Audra ☺️: ugh but he WORKS OUT during LUNCH

* * *

63.

Richie’s phone, Tuesday September 1st.

Subject: Psycholinguistics Credit [Inbox]

Carolina Simons

to me  ˅

Sep 1, 2020, 11:02 AM

Hey Rich!

I hope this email finds you well! Looking forward to seeing you at the meeting this Friday.

In relation to that, two things! First up, I have attached the proposed course descriptions for the spring semester, along with any syllabi that are already finished but are not yet available on OMS. You’re also free to email any of the listed instructors to see if they have a tentative reading list to help you make your decisions. Of course, some of these courses may change due to scheduling or enrollment, but for now, I’d just like you to make a first pass and send me a list of courses that you’d recommend we accept for psycholinguistics credit.

Second, your class visits have garnered even more interest in the minor, which is excellent! However, that means we’re also getting quite a few more requests for retroactive credit; I’m attaching a PDF here. We do need to make some decisions about these quite quickly. If you could have them by Friday, that would be excellent.

Thanks so much!

Carol

Dr. Carolina Simons

Professor and Chair

Department of Psychology

Derry University

\--

[screenshot of the Google docs UI showing a page count of 73]

\--

**Cooper Braun - PY316 question** \- Hey Dr. Tozier, if you get a chance, do you know when you’re going to...

**Nikita Hosfeld - Can’t find study guide** \- Dr T, Hope you’re having a good week! I was just looking at our…

**Min-Seo Park** **\- Quiz grades** \- Hi Dr. Tozier, Do you know when you’ll be uploading the grades for our las...

**Derek Hassen - Study guide?** \- Hey Dr. T! I know you said you’d upload a study guide for the first exam...

\--

Subject: Next projects [Inbox]

Steve Covall

to me  ˅

Sep 1, 2020, 12:23 PM

Hi Rick!

Just touching base about our next project. We’re collaborating with some comp ling people at MIT, so we should be able to do some exciting visual world stuff to account for the spatial problems we’re seeing with Hangul. I’m sending you the new IRB text: it’s been accepted here pending approval from Derry’s reviewers, so let me know if they want you to make any changes. We don’t want any little inconsistencies!

RE: working limitations, I understand you’re having to do most of the hands-on stuff yourself over there in the ole logging camp, but this study will be completely plug-and-play, so it shouldn’t be too labor-intensive for you.

RE: your proposal, I’m happy to look over an abstract for you whenever you can put one together. Wouldn’t want a repeat of your first diss proposal :) Very ambitious of you to consider taking both our collaboration and this new project on at once-- kudos!

Glad to hear my nerves about your departure were unfounded! My good friend Vic Criss over in DU ling tells me that you seem to be doing well so far-- keep making the Covall name proud!

Dr. Frankenstein

________________________

Steve Covall, Ph.D.

Professor and Principal Investigator

Department of Linguistics

College of Arts and Sciences

Office 348, 621 Commonwealth Ave

Boston University

Boston MA 02215

spcovall@bu.edu

* * *

64.

Thirst twitter highlights from the past week-ish.

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUhotlibrarian

is the submitter who talked abt the short king. I can’t say for sure how it went because I already looked like a creep eavesdropping but he did do the flirty lean on the circulation desk. Homie was LEANING. He did that for us

6:52 PM  · Aug 24, 2020

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUhotlibrarian

saw hot librarian smiling down at his phone when he was probably supposed to be working…. 1) hot librarians, they’re just like us 2) his smile was so big and so beautiful i heard god crying

9:46 AM  · Aug 27, 2020

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUhotlibrarian

He has a fresh fade today and I heard him discussing vegan cheese options. Set me on fire

4:00 PM  · Sep 1, 2020

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUhotlibrarian

this is a reminder that we do not say any names on this account!! we’re trying to be chill!! If u send us a DM with names in it, whether that be the name of the hot librarian himself or of any short kings that may have been seen with him, we will NOT post it.

12:49 PM  · Sep 2, 2020

**derry hot librarian updates** @DUHotLibrarian  · Sep 2

Replying to @DUhotlibrarian

however we do feel that it is important to share that the short king was seen picking up our man for lunch today (congrats short king), and more importantly that hot librarian was wearing cuffed jeans and a tasteful chelsea boot

* * *

65.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday afternoon.

Mike:  _ [cut off] _ having a good day.

Eddie: Gonna make a thousand puzzles?

Mike: Oh, you know it. I hear my mom picked up a 3D cathedral one.

Eddie: Aren’t they Baptists?

Mike: Yeah, but how boring would a baptist church puzzle be?

September 2, 2:05 PM

Mike: Can you put on your romantic hat for a minute?

Eddie: I’m still crabby from my lab meeting but I’ll try

Mike: The inhaler first kiss scene from Hitch.

Eddie: Fuck you dude

Eddie: But okay I’m there my romantic hat is on

Eddie: Tell me about your date

Mike: I think he gets me, man. And his hair was so nice. He looks like a round table knight, a little bit. Also, he has correct opinions on LOST.

Eddie: Good for you dude oh shit fuck ouch damn it

Mike: Eddie?

Eddie: Sorry my headphones got tangled in the rowing machine

Mike: You sure are hitting the gym a lot, Rocky Jr.

Eddie: I have a lot of energy to work off lately

Eddie: Anyway I’m glad it went well

Mike: Yeah, me too! He seemed a little nervous, but he loosened up when we started talking. He held up surprisingly well under questions about his plot holes.

Eddie: You asked about his holes on the second date Mike you dog

Mike: No, Shirley did.

Eddie: Shirley question mark exclamation point send

* * *

66.

Eddie’s phone, still Wednesday afternoon.

Chat title: 3X TRIVIA CHAMPS

September 2, 2:32 PM

Eddie: Mike took Bill to Shirley’s on the second date

Bev: HUSSY!!!!

Ben: Oh, that’s nice 😊 How did it go?

Mike: It was great. Eddie, you’re the worst.

Eddie: :)

Bev: so when can I start working on the wedding suits? hahaha

Mike: I take it back. You’re all the worst.

Ben: I didn’t say anything!

Mike: You were thinking it.

Ben: Maybe!

Ben: So what did Shirley think of him? 🥺🥧

Mike: She thought he was nice.

Bev: no you have to say it the way Shirley said it!!!

Eddie: Seconded

Ben: Thirded

Mike: He may have been described as “a May strawberry on a china saucer.”

Eddie: Is that a good thing? When is peak strawberry season

Ben: It hurts me that you never come to the farmer’s market with me, Eddie.

* * *

67.

Richie’s phone, Wednesday afternoon.

Big Bill: Haha did u know I still have ur gridner from college

Richie: dude!!!! i got caught using robin’s mortar and pestle that summer, i hate u

September 2, 1:49 PM

Big Bill: Imagine that i am walking into ur office & sighing wistfully

Richie: yeah, yeah, we get it, ur killing it at being gay

Big Bill: I see dating is a touchy subject today

Richie: nah, distract me from how many people i hate right now. go ahead

Big Bill: Allow me 2 begin with a question

Richie: sometimes i fuckin hate u dude

Big Bill: If a guy takes u 2 the small & picturesque business of a sweet old lady who he has very cute rapport with, is that a move?

Richie: is the business a sex shop

Big Bill: 🖕🖕🖕

Richie: idk dude, maybe?

Richie: what’s the business?

Big Bill: Shirley’s? It’s down on the same block as the nitro beer place & the art supply store

Richie: i don’t know why i asked, i’ve haven’t been anywhere here

Big Bill: It’s one of those coffeeshops that also sells used books. It’s run by this little old lady that apparently used 2 be his boss when he worked in the DU library in college. She wears a little white apron & calls him Michael

Richie: i think bringing someone to a used bookstore is how librarians propose, actually

Richie: yes, i think he brought you there knowing u would find it charming, but that means he’s trying to charm u, so it’s nice

Big Bill: 😊

Big Bill: So how r u doing Rich?

Richie: I yelled at a 24-year-old today, so i’m doing terrific

Big Bill: Who??? Why???

Richie: one of kaspbrak’s grad students. i didn’t even have a good reason, he just got our participants mixed up and i took my shitty mood out on him.

Big Bill: Dude are u doing ok?

Richie: i’m fine and he apologized and i apologized more and i think everything’s okay, i just feel like an fucking dick

Big Bill: I think u need a hobby

Richie: bitch

Big Bill: U could take ur shitty moods out on a birdhouse

* * *

68.

Richie’s phone, Thursday afternoon.

Chat title: first day of school support group

September 3, 12:56 PM

Pitter Patter: So we’re planning to get started around noon and finish up around 8. I’ve got an itinerary 🥳🥳

Richie: that #1 party essential

Pitter Patter: IT is! Richie are you sure you don’t wanna drive up with us?

Richie: thank u for the very kind offer, but me and bill are gonna carpool

Big Bill: 90 min all-Billy-Joel playlist is locked & loaded

Richie: with one “all summer long” by kid rock

Stanislavski: You’re both nightmares.

Pitter Patter: There’s that birthday spirit!!

Richie: u want us to bring anything else? little debbies? capri sun for the kids? a male model to pop out of the cake?

Stanislavski: Only if he has long, silky hair.

Big Bill: Hahahahahhaha

Pitter Patter: Nope, I think we’ve got everything covered! But I’ll put you to work chopping once you get here 😉

Big Bill: Also are we allowed 2 stick a bottle of vodka in the watermelon?

Stan: Please do not set a terrible example for my daughters.

Richie: have i ever?

Stanislavski: Literally every time you have seen them since they were born.

Stanislavski: G-d knows why they’re obsessed with you.

Pitter Patter: On the subject of people who could be obsessed with Richie…

* * *

69.

Richie’s phone, still “first day of school support group” chat.

Stanislavski: I love you, but that’s a terrible segue.

Pitter Patter: We have this friend we might invite. He’s very cute. He’s single 👀👀

Richie: not for my sake. i beg of u.

Pitter Patter: You’d like him!! He’s nice, but he’s still got a good sense of humor!!

Stanislavski: I actually think you would, Richie.

Richie: u are my favorite people in the world, and it’s incredibly endearing that u think i have the energy to sit across from some guy and make a good impression right now

Pitter Patter: He’d like you too!!

Richie: and that’s great, but i cannot act domesticated right now. please don’t ask me to try

Pitter Patter: Okay 😔😔

Pitter Patter: It’s still going to be so fun!! Get excited!!

Richie: i’m gonna sneak stella a shandy!

Stanislavski: No!!

* * *

70.

Richie’s phone, Thursday evening.

Richie: hey birdhouse bill. do u wanna enable me on something

Big Bill: Depends on the thing. Are u like a something-holic?

Richie: no, it’s nothing like that, i promise.

Richie: i wanna have sex with this guy i hate

Big Bill: I mean hate sex is a fun concept but if he hates u back that might be a hard sell

Richie: oh he does, but we already did it

Big Bill: The closest I’ve come is “I hate myself sex” & that suckeRICHIE

Richie: twice

Big Bill: Twice!!!

Richie: yeah, that’s not the part i need u to enable me on

Big Bill: Clearly!!!

Richie: so we still hate each other, but it was fucking excellent

Big Bill: Oh my god

Richie: like, i saw stars, i heard the music of the spheres, i’m a little tingly just thinking about it

Big Bill: Please don’t narrate this 2 me

Richie: i won’t!

Richie: anyway so after the second time i told him we were done with that, and he’s backed off since then (he initiated it both times), but now i want to do it again

Big Bill: Why’d u cut it off in the 1st place?

Richie: i dunno, self-esteem something something, he was kind of a bitch afterwards, it doesn’t seem important now

Richie: like, he’s gonna be a bitch to me regardless, so i might as well get something out of it

Big Bill: I mean, maybe

Richie: plus i keep seeing him in SHORTS, even though it makes more sense for him to change at the gym, and a man has needs, billiam

* * *

71.

Richie’s phone, still Thursday.

Big Bill: & why is this a more appealing need fulfillment option than Stan & Patty’s friend???

Richie: the shorts? he’s hot? i don’t have to worry about impressing him bc i already know it won’t work?

Richie: plus it feels like i can either rip this guy’s head off or rip his clothes off and one of those sounds like a lot more fun

Big Bill: Honestly, if u were one of my characters, I’d want u 2 do it, but a lot of my characters die.

Richie: whatever dude ghosts aren’t real

Richie: u were the one who told me to find a way to blow off some steam!!!

Big Bill: I meant like a hobby

Richie: potato potahto

Big Bill: Look, I want 2 go on the record officially saying this is probably a bad idea

Richie: but...

Big Bill: But being impulsive has worked out well 4 me recently

Richie: that’s i needed u to say, bilbo.

Big Bill: Let me finish!!!

Richie: no thx! ttyl

Big Bill: RICHIE

\--

Professor Doctor: I do!

Professor Doctor: Have better coping mechanisms

Professor Doctor: We’re not doing this again

Richie: that’s all i ask

Richie: i’ll try to be less seductively obnoxious

Professor Doctor: How kind of you

Richie: buy a fleshlight

Professor Doctor: Kiss my ass

September 3, 8:50 PM

Richie: hey are u in the lab right now?

* * *

72.

Bev’s phone, Thursday evening.

Chat title: B&B

Eds: You love it

Bev: obviously i love it!! it’s like a sleepover but i’m getting paid to go

September 3, 3:53 PM

Eds: You guys land safely?

September 3, 8:34 PM

Husband: Yes! Sorry, it was such a rush to get checked in and dressed and head back out.

Eds: Don’t apologize I’m not your mom

Eds: Hope you’re enjoying yourselves

Husband: I’m having a good time! Someone pretended to mistake me for a model, which was very flattering.

Bev: Ben is KILLING the networking lol

Bev: you should see the fallen faces when I’m like “this is MY husband!”

Husband: You coming back soon, hon?

Bev: yeah I just ran into an old friend at coat check! do you wanna go to the afterparty for this haha

Husband: I’m just along for the ride, B. I’m happy to do whatever you want to do 🕺💃

Husband: Hope you’re having a fun weekend Eddie!

Eds: Oh I’ve got a very hot date with some articles about emphatic gesture in medical contexts

Bev: eddie did I ever tell you about my friend Murray?

Eds: Once or twice I think but hold on I have to go deal with something

\--

September 3, 9:09 PM

(646) 555-7882: Hey Bev! It’s Murray. Really happy to see you back!

* * *

73.

Eddie’s phone, Thursday night.

Richard Tozier: that’s all i ask

Richard Tozier: i’ll try to be less seductively obnoxious

Eddie: How kind of you

Richard Tozier: buy a fleshlight

Eddie: Kiss my ass

September 3, 8:50 PM

Richard Tozier: hey are u in the lab right now?

Eddie: I’m in my office why where’s the fire

Richard Tozier: ur predictability is so soothing

Richard Tozier: don’t worry about it

September 3, 9:19 PM

Eddie: Did I just see you go into the lab with an entire tray of McDonald’s drinks

Richard Tozier: no, that was a fucking ghost

Eddie: What the hell could you possibly need with that much soda

Richard Tozier: i’m expecting a long night

Eddie: You better not get any of that shit anywhere near the equipment

Richard Tozier: aww eduardo, don’t you trust me?

Eddie: Fuck you don’t touch anything I’m coming in

* * *

74.

Eddie’s laptop. Friday noon.

Eddie: Fuck you don’t touch anything I’m coming in

September 4, 12:13 PM

Eddie: So can we discus yesterday evening?

Eddie: Discuss

Richard Tozier: oh u wanna talk about this during the staff meeting? mr professionalism?

Eddie: It’ll keep us from getting distracted before we’re done talking

Richard Tozier: what abt the actual mtg

Eddie: They won’t say anything important that I don’t already know

Richard Tozier: god u suck

Eddie: That was not a quality that you had problems with in the past

Richard Tozier: can we, instead, not talk about it?

Eddie: No I want to have a game plan

Richard Tozier: no sports analogies or i’ll close my computer, i swear to god

Eddie: Will we be collaborating in that capacity in the future?

Richard Tozier: are u asking if i think we should fuck on a regular basis

Richard Tozier: don’t give me that look! it’s ur fault for trying to talk to me about this during a goddamn departmental meeting

Eddie: You’re paying for my dry cleaning

Richard Tozier: u still have a little coffee on your chin

Richard Tozier: ok u got it

Eddie: Yes that’s what I’m asking

Richard Tozier: then yes

Eddie: Why

Richard Tozier: i dunno, i don’t analyze my motivations every time i need to scratch an itch

Richard Tozier: it’s frankly more productive than when we try to have a conversation

Richard Tozier: and it’s not not good

* * *

75.

Eddie’s phone, Friday noon.

Richard Tozier: and it’s not not good

Eddie: Shut up Tozier I rocked your world and you know it

Richard Tozier: yeah fine

Richard Tozier: okay ur definitely not allowed to make that face either

Eddie: Ok but RE: your prevouis complaints

Richard Tozier: well u didn’t freak out on me this morning, so that’s promising. and honestly i can cope as long as u reel it in about 30% from where it was last time.

Eddie: I won’t freak out if we don’t do it in niebolt during business hrs

Eddie: Also as long as you don’t make jokes about it in front of other people

Richard Tozier: oh don’t worry, i don’t want anyone to know either

Eddie: That’s not exactly what I meant but also a good point

Richard Tozier: so we have a deal

Eddie: I think so

Eddie: Plus you have to get screened before we do anything penetrative

Eddie: Ooh that sounds like a nasty cough

Richard Tozier: FUCK YOU

Richard Tozier: my sinuses are going to have coffee burns

Eddie: Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it

Richard Tozier: u don’t know what i can take

Eddie: I’m beginning to get an idea

Richard Tozier: ur the worst

Richard Tozier: what r u doing after this

Eddie: Office hours

Richard Tozier: damn

Eddie: They end at 4

Richard Tozier: damn rescinded

* * *

76.

Don Hagarty’s phone. Friday afternoon.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Bets: ok but u made one tiny mistake and he shouldn’t have been a dick to you

Adrian: I guess. But still

Don: I’m sorry.

Don: I’m going to Starbucks. Do you want anything?

Adrian: You are the perfect man

Adrian: I can text you my order?

Don: No, I remember it.

September 4, 1:06 PM

Bets: SPOTTED

Bets: rt + ek having a plausibly civil interaction in the hallway outside the conference room. Has the ice begun to melt? or will the cold war continue? xoxo gossip girl

Adrian: Eye contact??

Bets: WITH handshake

Adrian: Number of seconds??

Bets: a respectable 1.5

Don: Holy shit.

Adrian: Were going to LIVE

* * *

77.

Mike’s phone. Saturday afternoon.

Mike: She’s one of my favorites.

Ma: Netflix says I should watch Ali Wong next...💕💓

Mike: Not with your church friends.

September 5, 4:38 PM

Mike: What do you want me to bring up from the cafeteria?

Ma: Oh I don’t need anything…💞💗

Mike: You haven’t eaten since dinner last night. Let me bring you a sandwich, at least. Turkey or beef?

Ma: Oh turkey I suppose...thank you baby…💘💝

Mike: Dr. Pepper?

Ma: Yes please…💗

Ma: I’m so sorry 🙁 I really thought this was going to be a better weekend for him...he was doing so well all week…

Ma: Maybe you ought to go back to Derry and at least do something nice with your holiday...He won’t be out until Monday morning at the earliest and I’m sure he’ll sleep most of the day…😭😭

Mike: I want to be here, Ma.

Ma: You could be out with your friends or out on that date…

Mike: Those things will still be there in a month or a year, but pops might not be. This is the only thing that’s important right now.

Ma: He wouldn’t want you to stop your whole life cold just to sit in his hospital room...

Mike: Do you want me to go?

Ma: Of course not…💞💓💕💗

Mike: So I’m staying. The doctors will take care of him. I’ll take care of you. Okay?

Ma: Okay 💘 maybe when you come back up you can tell me about your author friend…😉

Mike: I’ll be there in a few minutes.

* * *

78.

Mike’s phone, Monday afternoon, Labor day.

Mike: Tell me something funny.

Bill: Oh god, how much time do u have?

Mike: Way too much.

Bill: My friend Richie almost got choked out by a 9yo girl

Mike: Richie’s the one in psychology?

Bill: Yep. Big dude, dark hair, glasses like the kid from Xmas story

Mike: Everyone’s big compared to you.

Bill: Hey!

Mike: It’s cute! But yeah, I think I’ve met him. Who’s the nine-year-old?

Bill: Stan’s kid, guy whose bday it is

Bill: Richie is her personal jungle gym/M.C./captive audience & she loves him so of course she had 2 surprise-tackle him before he even said hello

Mike: Man, I love kids.

Bill: Me 2

Bill: Her big sister is 12 so she cannot admit that anything is cool but within an hr she got him 2 look at her Instagram feed & tell her she had good taste in meems

Mike: Memes?

Bill: Yes? Maybe? My agent says there r ones abt my characters having dead parents

Mike: Tell me something else funny.

Bill: Stan’s fiancé is refusing 2 let him do anything in the kitchen so he’s flirting w/her while she tries 2 get things done

Bill: She’s cutting a watermelon & he keeps stealing pieces & giggling at her when she swats his hand

Mike: That sounds very cute.

Bill: It is

Bill: They’ve been together for 3yrs & they’re still like this

Mike: They keep each other young? :)

Bill: Definitely

Bill: U have 2 come up here w/ us next time

Mike: Oh, only if there’s a porch swing.

Bill: Hahaha high standards

Bill: I also have a rolltop desk 2 prove 2 guests that i’m a writer

Mike: An essential.

Mike: Thanks, Bill.

Bill: For what?

Mike: Just thanks.

Bill: you’re welcome.

* * *

79\. 

Richie’s phone, Tuesday morning.

Pitter Patter: The girls are OBSESSED with you. The entire trip home was just a running stream of Richie quotes from Esther

Richie: aww, esther’s easy to win over, u just have to know she’s secretly a little showboat

Richie: ask her if she can do a cartwheel and u have her eternal loyalty

Pitter Patter: Oh boy, any hot tips about how to get Stella to look up from her phone?

Richie: nah, u just have to accept that she needs to know what her friends are doing at every second of every day & she would burn to a crisp if she was ever seen paying attention to the things around her more than they’re paying attention to her

Pitter Patter: I’m so glad we didn’t have Instagram when I was a kid. I would have been even more of an insecure wreck than I already was.

Richie: oh, me too

Richie: preteens make so much more sense when you remember that middle school was just the suffering channel 24/7

Pitter Patter: So, what are you, the kid whisperer?

Richie: i’m really not. i’m just a shiny new toy

Pitter Patter: They’ve known you longer than me!!

Richie: yeah, but until this year, they saw me in person for a few days in the winter and summer. if i was around every day they’d get sick of me

Pitter Patter: I doubt that.

Richie: it doesn’t hurt that i act like i’m in seventh grade either. and that i don’t have to tell them to go to bed or do their homework or whatever other stuff you have to make kids do

Pitter Patter: Oh, they mostly do their homework on their own. My job is just to ask “how’s school” so they can both say “fine” and then Esther copies whatever facial expression Stella makes

Richie: stella’s a trendsetter like that

Pitter Patter: Have they always been that way?

Richie: what, like stella’s a celebrity and esther is her personal assistant?

Pitter Patter: Yes, that’s exactly what it is 😂😂

Richie: they’ve always been really close. it’s the child-of-divorce no-mom combo breaker

Pitter Patter: Morbid!!

Richie: eh i’m allowed to say it

* * *

80.

Eddie’s phone. Wednesday evening.

Eddie:  _ [cut off]  _ consensus

Mike: Her eyebrows were so high up on her forehead!

Mike: “He’s cute” as if I hadn’t noticed

September 9, 5:36 PM

Mike: Go to this with me

Mike: [image: launch party poster for Bill’s new book]

Eddie: Why would I do that

Mike: To keep your friend Mike company :)

Eddie: Let your boyfriend keep you company

Mike: First of all, he’s not my boyfriend. Second of all, I want to go, but I don’t want to stand in a corner by myself while he signs books. Third, there will be food.

Eddie: I have work to do

Mike: Okay, career woman from a romantic comedy.

Eddie: I do exclamation point send

Mike: There’s extensive scientific evidence that taking breaks makes you more productive.

\--

Eddie: Office hours

Richard Tozier: Damn

Eddie: They end at 4

Richard Tozier: damn rescinded

September 9 5:49 PM

Richard Tozier: u in ur office?

Eddie: Yeah are you coming by

Richard Tozier: 🏃🏻‍♂️

September 9, 6:27 PM

Richard Tozier: excellent work, comrade

Eddie: Please do not try to make that a thing

\--

Mike: There’s extensive scientific evidence that taking breaks makes you more productive.

September 9, 6:40 PM

Eddie: Fine you have a point

Eddie: I’ll go

* * *

81.

Richie’s phone, Friday night.

Chat title: first day of school support group

September 11, 6:41 PM

Big Bill: Is everyone going 2 come witness my suffering?

Richie: drama queen

Pitter Patter: 👑👑

Stanislavski: Boo hoo. I am successful and people throw parties for my work.

Big Bill: U know i hate pr stuff

Richie: yeah, we do, but ur not gonna get LESS anxious if we all take it super seriously

Richie: yes, i will be there, and i will drink slightly too much and be a huge distraction. you’ll love it

Pitter Patter: Me too! Not the drinking too much part but the supportive part!!

Stanislavski: I’m dropping Patty off, but I can’t stay for long. Esther’s going to a birthday party that ends at 8.

Stanislavski: I’m also very supportive.

Richie: can i wear a bikini t-shirt

Big Bill: Are u the irreverent child of a billionaire? Bc otherwise no

Big Bill: if i have 2 wear a monkey suit so do u

Stanislavski: Do you own a suit, Richard?

Richie: i am thirty fucking five, yes I own a suit

Pitter Patter: How long have you owned it??

Richie: not important

Pitter Patter: Did you buy it last year for job talks?

Richie: 🥴🥴🥴

* * *

82.

Patty’s phone, Saturday evening.

Stan 🥰: How does it look?

Patty: On an objective level or in comparison to Bill’s other books??

Patty: Just kidding 😋😋

Patty: I’ve only peeked at one of the chapters, but it looks good!!

Patty: It’s definitely going to make us both cry

Stan 🥰: I don’t know what you mean. I’ve never cried before.

Stan 🥰: And how are the appetizers?

Patty: Oh, spectacular. They have those little puff pastry things with spinach

Patty: You know, the triangle ones.

Stan 🥰: Spanakopita?

Stan 🥰: Babylove, you lived in Greece for six months.

Patty: What?? They eat a lot of other foods there too

Patty: Honey. Guess what.

Stan 🥰: What?

Patty: He’s here!! 💥💥

Stan 🥰: Do you mean…

Patty: Dr. Edward Kaspbrak PhD.

Stan 🥰: I’m just waiting in the pickup line outside of the trampoline place, so you might as well tell me.

Patty: He’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He remembered that I let him recruit from my class and very politely said thank you, and then he turned to Richie and said (in the coldest possible voice), “Tozier.”

Stan 🥰: Well, since I’m still in the pickup line, what did Richie say?

Patty: Richie goes, “Dr. Kaspbrak! You’re looking dapper! I can barely see the leash that ties you back to the EEG machine!”

Stan 🥰: Did he think this was funny?

Patty: Richie? Extremely. Nemesis? Definitely not 😂😂

Patty: But you haven’t heard the best part!!

Stan 🥰: I see Esther, so tell me fast.

Patty: He checked Richie out!!

Sta 🥰n: Openly or surreptitiously?

Patty: Surreptitiously.

Stan 🥰: More sincere.

Patty: Hmm.

Stan 🥰: This is Esther daddy’s driving but he says “hmm” 🍇🎀👻

* * *

83.

An excerpt.

3

The project of being the perfect son was like frosting a cake inside the oven. I could see it there, in the center, still liquid, this hot and bubbling part of myself that wasn’t finished yet with the fact of my brother’s death. I could see it, and I was convinced that if anyone else did, he’d somehow die again. So I reached into the furious desert where parts of me were threatening to overflow the pan, and I threw icing at them to make sure they were covered up. Who cared if the cake was done? My parents were already sitting at the empty table. If I put something in front of them, maybe they’d move. Blink. Talk. Like dolls.

At first, my desperate child logic worked. Our house was numb and quiet without Georgie, the punched-out sockets of the windows tilted unseeing at the pavement below. Being perfect inside of that skeleton was easy: don’t want, don’t need, don’t talk. I sat on the couch in my funeral suit and tested how long I could watch the hands on the mantel clock tick. I think I made it ninety minutes once. There was nothing in my head to distract me, just the un-yellow expanse of Georgie’s absence. It didn’t hurt yet. Not in a way I could feel.

This lasted for a few weeks. Then my mother’s sister, my Aunt Hannah, decided she had left us alone in our echoing house for long enough; she swept through the door with a steel-jawed stream of chatter as if the heft of our collective grief could be talked into submission like a pedestrian stalled on the sidewalk. She washed the dishes first. I remember that she was wearing a pale blue sweater, and that her hair moved eccentrically as she scrubbed at the buildup of casserole dishes festering in the sink.

Like a fish feeling the water’s surface tension break, I gravitated mutely towards the activity. I sat at the kitchen table and let her collection of news and gossip and moralizing and recounting of errands seep in and out. My mother did, too, offering conciliatory noises at appropriate times. I realized only then, in comparison to the very alive woman standing at the sink, that my mother looked pale and waxy, like Georgie at his funeral. But there was all this movement in her eyelids as if she was trying valiantly to wake up.

Then my Aunt Hannah said, “Is Bill all right? He looks like he needs some fresh air,” and my mother turned to me with a sleepy expression of betrayal.

This was the first time I got it wrong.

“I’m okay, Aunt Hannah,” I said. “Just tired.”

My mother’s brow furrowed, her eyes still struggling up from the bottom of somewhere dark and deep. “Have you not been sleeping well?” she asked.

Aunt Hannah frowned, stepped closer, held a soapy palm against my forehead. “Is he getting sick?” she asked my mother. “You have to keep an eye on them both, you know, Sharon. I know it’s hard.”

Since the day of his death, or since his funeral, I had not seen either of my parents cry. I lived in fear of it: the look of helplessness that came first, the hunch of the spine before the sob, as if they were transforming from adults I knew and understood and trusted into heaving, torn-up monsters.

When my mother’s face started to give in, a tent with a broken pole, the dormant pain started to thrash around in my chest. “No, I’m not sick,” I insisted, pushing my aunt’s hand away. “No, I’m okay, I’m just—bored. I’m gonna go ride around for a while.”

I was as good as my word, pulling Silver from the shed where he’d been waiting since the storm. Our street was beautiful, pumpkin-colored leaves scattered across a bright, sharp October day, too cold for the shirt I wore. I felt near-sighted and weak after almost a month of listless indoor staring; my feet slipped across the pedals, I hit a badly-patched pothole and nearly fell.

As I regained control over Silver, the way you move a limb when it comes out of a cast, I thought about my failure. It seemed fairly simple when I was out in the air, passing yards full of other children. I had  _ been _ perfect for my parents; I needed to be perfect for someone watching. I needed to be armor. I had to  _ [cut off] _

* * *

84.

Bill’s phone. Saturday evening.

Librarian Mike: It makes sense to me. It’s hard to perform like that, no matter how nice people are.

Bill: & u can tell some of them are waiting 2 see if I really do stutter in person

Librarian Mike: I’m sorry :(

Librarian Mike: How long are you stuck over there doing autographs?

Bill: 1 hr maybe. Wait 4 me 😩

Bill: So who’s ur short intense friend?

Librarian Mike: Oh, that’s Eddie. He’s normally less frown-y; he’s just doing his Dr. Tsundere thing because he and your friend have some kind of rivalry.

Bill: Tsundere?

Librarian Mike: You have any students in the MFA with colored streaks in their hair? Ask them.

Bill: Hahahaha ok

Bill: OH that’s Richie’s nemesis

Librarian Mike: You’ve been hearing about this too?

Bill: Hahahahahahahahaahaha yes

Bill: That’s not how I pictured him

Librarian Mike: What’d you picture?

Bill: Idk, I guess I thought he’d be older. Richie makes him sound like a strict professorbot who can only either do science or tell u that ur doing science wrong

Librarian Mike: He can definitely be like that, yeah. He’s one of my best friends, and I love him, but I don’t really envy his coworkers. There’s a lot of baggage tied up in his career choice and everything.

Librarian Mike: I hope that doesn’t sound mean. I’m a little tipsy.

Bill: No it doesn’t

Bill: Richie’s different but the same. What’s an academic if their self-esteem isn’t totally wrapped up in their work

Librarian Mike: I guess we’ll never know.

Librarian Mike: Eddie makes him sound like a human muppet who can only function if he’s making jokes at inappropriate times.

Bill: That’s not inaccurate.

Bill: He’s a really good guy 2 but he’s defensive in that way, u know

Librarian Mike: Who knows? Maybe they’ll come around to seeing each other’s good qualities and become the best of friends :D

Bill: Hahaha I wish i was tipsy enough 2 believe that

Librarian Mike: Want me to bring you a drink?

Bill: Oh my god, please

* * *

85.

Richie’s phone, Saturday night.

September 1, 8:06 PM

Professor Doctor: Didn’t realize you owned a suit.

Richie: didn’t realize u ever left the lab

Professor Doctor: That’s because I actually do my job while I’m at work

Richie: some people can do their jobs and have personalities at the same time. crazy but true

Professor Doctor: Fuck you

Professor Doctor: I don’t need a personality at work

Professor Doctor: Wait no this is not the conversation I wanted to have

Richie: oh by all means, ur highness, redirect us

Professor Doctor: You look sexy

Richie: oh

Professor Doctor: I found a lockable bathroom down the hallway

Richie: rad

Professor Doctor: Follow the signs for the business center

\--

Richie: are u and ur sister a little cult like that too? is that a sisterhood universal?

Pitter Patter: Not quite!! She never thought I was that cool, but now we always split the bill on ceremonial candles and black robes

Richie: i didn’t have any sisters so i find the concept very unsettling

Pitter Patter: Do you have brothers?

Richie: i have stan

Pitter Patter: 🥺

September 12, 8:18 PM

Pitter Patter: Where’d you go? I’m talking to Bill’s librarian and he is delightful  💞💞

* * *

86.

Richie’s phone, Saturday night.

Pitter Patter: Where’d you go? I’m talking to Bill’s librarian and he is delightful  💞💞

September 12, 8:40 PM

Richie: sry got lost finding the bathroom! on my way back

\--

September 12, 8:41 PM

Eddie: I’ll just stay in here for another minute so it doesn’t seem suspicious

Richie: dude, who cares

Eddie: Me question mark exclamation point send

Richie: whatever

Eddie: I still do want to do what we talked about though

Richie: oh?

Eddie: Yes

Richie: that’s kind of a tall order for either of our offices or a bathroom with one chair in it

Eddie: There’s a couch in my office

Richie: i’m 35. my joints have limits. we go somewhere with a bed

Eddie: Well not my fucking apartment

Richie: okay? relax? what’s the big deal

Eddie: There’s no big deal I just don’t want you in my goddamn house

Richie: oh, fuck you. i’m not gonna give ur upholstery fleas

Eddie: That’s not what I said

Richie: god ur a prick

Richie: we can just do it at my apartment

Eddie: You still want to?

Richie: yeah, dude, of course i still wanna have sex. i just had a minute there where i forgot that ur the worst person i know

Eddie: Is that not the point of what we’re doing

Richie: fuck me for being an optimist, i guess

Eddie: I have plenty of other reasons to fuck you

Richie: 🖕

* * *

87.

Bill’s phone, Saturday night.

Librarian Mike: So is it different? anding out copies of your life story?

Bill: I hoped it wouldn’t be, but it is

Bill: I feel like I’m naked

Bill: Being slightly drunk helps honestly

Librarian Mike: Well, I bet it’s a wonderful book.

Bill: God I hope so. How bad would it be if u wrote a memoir & the plot sucked

Librarian Mike: It doesn’t.

Bill: U haven’t read it yet!

Librarian Mike: I just know :)

Bill: Actually. This is going 2 sound kind of bad, but can I ask u for a favor

Librarian Mike: Sure, anything.

Bill: Don’t read the book yet

Librarian Mike: Okay.

Bill: It’s just so personal, & I want you 2 know that stuff about me, but I want 2 be getting to know u at the same time

Bill: That sounds weird

Librarian Mike: No, it makes perfect sense.

Librarian Mike: It’s like if I brought my journal to our first date.

Bill: U don’t need 2 know all of that when I’m trying to convince u that it’s a good idea 2 be with me ahaha

Librarian Mike: Bill, I get it.

Bill: okay. I’m sorry

Librarian Mike: Nothing to apologize for.

Bill: Although, u should probably know one thing that’s in there.

Librarian Mike: As long as it’s something you would tell me if you were sober.

Bill: it is. I’ve been meaning 2 have this conversation with u for a while

Librarian Mike: Oh. Did I do something wrong?

Bill: No! It’s about me, not you

Librarian Mike: Is this what it sounds like? Because if you’re not into me, you should tell me, but not over text while I’m at your book launch.

Bill: NO

Bill: I’m so into u it makes me feel like my brain is on fire

Bill: there’s a reason I have an editor. Fucking Christ I’m so sorry

Librarian Mike: Shit. No, me too. The sorry part and the into you part. I had a fight or flight response.

Bill: Can i start over?

* * *

88.

Bill’s phone, Saturday evening.

Librarian Mike: Of course.

Bill: Ok, so I started writing this book bc I was in therapy.

Bill: & both the therapy & the writing helped me dig up a lot of old stuff, including my sexuality

Bill: like, i came out for the first time about a year ago. In my 30s. to my editor.

Librarian Mike: Everyone has their own timeline! I wasn’t sure until I was in college, and I didn’t come out to anyone but Shirley until I was probably twenty-five.

Bill: No, I’ve known abt it forever. I was just 2 much of a coward 2 do anything

Librarian Mike: That’s not being a coward. That’s understandable. You’re a public figure coming out to the entire world all at once. I mean, I didn’t even tell my own parents for years.

Bill: Family is different. They’re difficult

Librarian Mike: True.

Bill: Sorry, I really didn't mean for this 2 become free bill therapy. The thing I really wanted to tell you is that ur the first guy I’ve really dated.

Librarian Mike: That’s okay.

Bill: I just felt like it was unfair not to tell u

Librarian Mike: Hey, you don’t owe anybody that information. It’s yours.

Bill: well, then, I wanted to tell u.

Librarian Mike: :)

Bill: So I might need things to go a little bit slowly, if that’s ok with u.

Librarian Mike: That’s more than okay.

Librarian Mike: Honestly, I’ve got my own reasons to take it slow, too. I think it’s a good idea.

Bill: Yeah?

Librarian Mike: I can tell you about them when it’s time for free Mike therapy ;)

Bill: sounds good :)

Librarian Mike: Hey, while we’re being completely honest…

Bill: Yes?

Librarian Mike: Eddie is technically also my ex-boyfriend.

Bill: Hahahahahahahaha

Bill: Wait, really?

Librarian Mike: :P

Bill: Im done at the merch table & I’m coming back

Librarian Mike: No rush.

* * *

89.

Richie’s phone, last of Saturday night.

September 12, 10:38 PM

Big Bill: Best launch aprty!!!

Richie: big bill!!!

Big Bill: BIG BILL!!!

Pitter Patter: You guys gonna get home okay??

Richie: we are in the uber now 🤙

Pitter Patter: Bill, Stan says he’s glad it went well and he’s looking forward to reading it  💗💗

Big Bill: Patty did u have fun

Pitter Patter: I had a blast!! Mike is so nice, the food was amazing, the IEI director’s husband came and he was wearing cowboy boots and they looked so dumb!!

Big Bill: Mike is nice huh

Big Bill: He’s so nice. & tall & handsome & smart. & he cooks… i lija him

Big Bill: I like him

Pitter Patter: I lija him too 🍻🍻

Richie: haha billiam is drunk

Big Bill: Ur drunk 2

Richie: am not

Pitter Patter: Yes you are!! You got lost for half an hour trying to find the bathroom!!

Richie: haha oops! I guess i am

\--

Big Bill: I feel like u before that improv performance fall sophomore year

Richie: low blow wilson

Big Bill: 🤮🤮🤮

Richie: hey remember that time u told ur writing seminar that not everything had to be about politics

Big Bill: No!!

Richie: and then u stormed out

Big Bill: Ur uninvited

September 12, 10:42 PM

Big Bill: R u ducking Eddie!!!!!

* * *

90.

Richie’s phone. Sunday afternoon.

September 12, 3:13 PM

Big Bill: Hello

Big Bill: Richard

Big Bill: Same q

Richie: i am hungover and i refuse to entertain this

Big Bill: That a yes

Richie: that a nothing

Big Bill: ?

Richie: fuck off and let me nap

\--

Richie: 🖕

September 12, 3:22 PM

Richie: so i think bill knows

Professor Doctor: Bill Denbrough the author

Richie: no, bill cosby

Professor Doctor: Ugh

Richie: yes, my friend bill, who had the three brain cells it took to put together that we disappeared for half an hour at the same time

Professor Doctor: Mike didn’t notice

Richie: he might have also known bc i asked him to tell me it was a good idea to fuck someone i hate

Professor Doctor: You talked to him about that? Are you capable of independent thought?

Richie: are u capable of being anything but exhaustingly difficult

Richie: also mike might have noticed too, u never know

Professor Doctor: Well I don’t want him to know

Richie: that doesn’t sound like my problem

Professor Doctor: I don’t give a shit tell Bill not to tell Mike

Richie: so, just to be clear, u won’t burst into flame if bill knows

Professor Doctor: I’d rather have him know for sure and know not to say anything than just be speculating and tell Mike

Richie: oh, so my friends can know my shame, but urs can’t?

Professor Doctor: I’d be shocked if your friends have higher expectations of you than that

Richie: i’m consistently shocked that u have friends at all

Professor Doctor: Whatever if he knows he knows just please keep it contained

Richie: i couldn’t have stopped him from knowing

Richie: i was being nice, not asking for ur permission 

* * *

91.

Richie’s phone, Monday morning.

Big Bill: Happy Monday

Big Bill: R u fucking him

Richie: still hungover

Big Bill: No ur not!! Tell me abt ur life asshole

Richie: okay, fine, but on one condition

Big Bill: Sure

Richie: don’t try to tell me to stop

Big Bill: Okay lol

Big Bill: Ur a grown man I can’t make u do anything

Richie: some people would try!

Richie: oh, actually, two conditions

Big Bill: Jesus

Big Bill: What

Richie: you cannot tell mike or stan.

Big Bill: What?? Y

Richie: eddie said not to tell mike

Big Bill: Oh that makes sense

Richie: why does that make sense?

Big Bill: It just does. Why Stan

Richie: are u kidding me? u know him. HE would tell me to stop

Big Bill: How do u know?

Richie: dude. he’s stan. he’s an adult with dignity who can actually make a long-term relationship work. he doesn’t have to stoop to shit like this

Richie: lol

Big Bill: Do I not have dignity??

Richie: i just meant that, like, u can know bc ur gonna think it’s entertaining rather than tragic

Big Bill: Should I think it’s tragic??

Richie: jesus fucking christ no!

Richie: stan would just read too deeply into it when it’s really not a big deal

Richie: i’m just fulfilling my soap opera side plot potential. i know u know what i mean

Big Bill: Regrettably I do

Richie: c’mon, big bill, encourage my shenanigans!! just like the good old days

Big Bill: What was it u said the other day

Big Bill: “That’s not the part I need u to enable me on” 😂😂

Richie: now ur followin my zumba

Big Bill: I’m a TV guide subscriber 2 ur personal life

Big Bill: I don’t endorse it but I want 2 know what’s happening

Richie: u got it dude 👈🏼👧🏼👈🏼

* * *

92.

**i am the last piece of shit tonight**

@chernobrough

post-nyfw prof marsh is so enchanting….”fashion week is a great time to reconnect with people in the industry” ma’am ur experiences are not universal but PLEASE tell me more about murray han

4:27 PM · Sep 10, 2020

**gillian 💐**

@mid20sfer

Fellow DU mfa fuckers: I thought I was reading Bill’s new book so that u didn’t have to but actually u all have to. It’s good. [slaps roof of Bill] this tiny bad boy can fit so much sadness in it

4:27 PM · Sep 10, 2020

**jo needs a break**

@1990sbb

  1. Notice an extremely beautiful woman at the tables by starbucks
  2. Realize she’s eating lunch with ur cute but boring accounting prof
  3. Think “good for him”
  4. Hear the woman FULL! BODY! CACKLE! At one of his jokes
  5. Run face-first into a freshman’s tuba case in shock



12:09 PM · Sep 14, 2020

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUhotlibrarian

Walked into second-floor bathroom to see hot librarian applying chapstick. I need to go lie down.

5:12 PM · Sep 14, 2020

* * *




Stan’s phone. Tuesday morning.

Stan: I don’t think we’re going to get out of dinner either weekend.

Patty (❤️): Oh, but I like spending time with your parents!!

Stan: They think you wake up every morning and personally coax the sun over the horizon.

Stan: Which, I suppose, is something we can agree on.

Patty (❤️): 🥰🥰

Patty (❤️): The knowledge that I successfully charmed your parents is what gets me to sleep at night.

Stan: The only thing?

September 15, 9:26 AM

Patty (❤️): Could I borrow your headphones??

Patty (❤️): I completely forgot that we have speaking exam rater training this afternoon and I don’t have time to run to my apartment 😬😬

Patty (❤️): Of course. I think they’re on my nightstand.

Patty (❤️): Nothing there!! I’ll check the office.

Stan: They might be in my gym bag. It should be in the entryway.

Patty (❤️): Found em!! They were on the entryway table.

Stan: Oh, weird.

Patty (❤️): Thanks for the loan!!

Stan: What’s mine is yours.

* * *




Stan’s phone. Tuesday afternoon.

Chat title: moon theft inc

Stella ( 💕 ): gavins not invited anymore.

Esther ( 💕 ): he is stupid 😷🧟💩

Stan: That’s not a constructive way to talk about people, sweetheart.

Stella ( 💕 ): he was mean to miranda.

Stan: Miranda G?

Stan: Esther, you are allowed to think that Gavin is stupid.

Esther ( 💕 ): 🤘🤑💥

Sep 15 3:20pm

Stella ( 💕 ): dad have you seen my headphones?

Stan: Aren’t they in your soccer bag?

Stella ( 💕 ): no!!

Stan: You told me last night that you packed everything.

Stella ( 💕 ): i mostly did!!

Stan: Are you making the carpool wait while you run around the house trying to find them?

Stella ( 💕 ): dad come on

Stan: Where’s the last place you saw them?

Esther ( 💕 ): i saw them on ur floor ✨

Esther ( 💕 ): i put them on the hallway table for u ⭐💫

Stan [draft]: Fuckdammit.

Stan: Oh, shoot.

* * *




Stan’s phone. Still Tuesday afternoon.

Stan: What color is the inside of the headband part of the headphones you have?

Patty (❤️): Blue!!

Stan [draft]: Fuck!!!!!!!!!!

Stan: I think you grabbed Stella’s by mistake.

\--

Chat title: moon theft inc

Stan: Sorry, S, I think Patty took them.

Stella ( 💕 ): what does fricking patty need my headphones for

Stan: It was an honest mistake.

Stan: Language.

Esther ( 💕 ): frick!!! 👹💃

Stan: Esther.

Stan: You can use mine for today. Check next to the coffee machine.

Stella ( 💕 ): yours are too heavy!!

Stella ( 💕 ): i’ll just go without them

Stella ( 💕 ): if we lose thats fine

Stan: You’re not going to lose because of the headphones.

Stella ( 💕 ): its fine

* * *




Patty’s phone, Tuesday.

Stan 🥰:  _ [cut off] _ by mistake.

Patty: Oh, no!! I’ll bring them back tonight.

Stan 🥰: Is there any chance you could get away from campus for a few minutes right now? They’re the ones she always wears for soccer games, and tonight is their first one on the high school field, so she’s a little nervous. I’d bring them myself, but I don’t have time before my next class.

Patty: Not until five!! I’m stuck in rater training. When does the game start?? 

Stan 🥰: 5. Don’t worry about it.

Patty: No, I’ll fix it!!

\--

Patty: Richard W. Tozier, my knight in shining armor!!

Richie 🤪: not the w. i thought u were my friend.

Richie 🤪: what up pats

Patty: Are you busy??

Richie 🤪: i’m watching my research assistant watch someone else press a button, so no

Patty: Can you do me a gigantic favor?? 🙏🙏

Richie 🤪: anything

Patty: I accidentally stole Stella’s headphones. Can you come get them from me and run them over to the high school for her??

Richie 🤪: her soccer headphones??? cold, ms blum

Richie 🤪: yeah, i can step out

Patty: I’m in Chamberlain; meet you at the front door??

Richie 🤪: no problem, i’ll be there in five

Patty: So you know the deal with these headphones? Are they magical?

Patty: Stan’s acting like it’s not a big deal, but I can tell when he’s faking it.

Richie 🤪: well, u know stella’s the one that has more of the uris need-for-order genes

Richie 🤪: when she gets anxious, she needs the headphones; soccer games make her anxious; a+b

Richie 🤪: it has to be the exact right headphones, too. like stan and his keyboard cover

Patty: Oh, no.

Patty: I broke a Uris. I’m going to barf.

Richie 🤪: oh but patty, that’s my move

Richie 🤪: you’ll have to tell me if u can figure out what she’s listening to. i bet enya

Patty: 😂😂

Richie 🤪: pulling up now!

* * *




Patty’s phone. Tuesday afternoon.

September 15, 3:40 PM

Patty: Richie is bringing your headphones!! I’m so sorry I stole them!!

Stella: ok. cool.

Stella: thanks.

* * *




Eddie’s phone. Tuesday afternoon.

Richard Tozier: i was being considerate, not asking permission

September 15, 4:18 PM

Eddie: Where are you

Richard Tozier: busy, sorry, jerk off instead

Eddie: No I mean why is Andre asking me where to put the consent forms

Eddie: And why is Victor Criss from linguistics asking me where you are

Richard Tozier: i had to drop something off for my niece

Richard Tozier: minor emergency

Richard Tozier: just tell andre to ask one of the grad students for the file cabinet key

Richard Tozier: and i know criss through my advisor. what’d he want?

Eddie: Of course the creepiest professor in the world is a friend of yours

Richard Tozier: he’s not my friend

Eddie: That explains his fucking attitude

Eddie: He asked where you were and I said you must have left for the day already and he said “typical”

Richard Tozier: that sounds right

Eddie: Does it? You work late almost as often as I do

Richard Tozier: keeping tabs, kaspbrak?

Eddie: No you just keep scaring the shit out of me when I think I’m the only one left in the building

Eddie: Actually what are you doing when you’re done with that errand

Richard Tozier: the aforementioned niece has a soccer game

Richard Tozier: ur flying solo tonight; tell ur dick i say hi

Eddie: Dane Cook has better and more tasteful jokes

Richard Tozier: keep saying that like ur not into it

\--

Google doc title: To work through at next RT meeting

* * *

99.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday lab meeting.

12:29 PM

To Work Through At Next RT Meeting

  * “some people have personalities”
  * Obsession w/ whether or not I have a personal life
  * Walked into room where he was talking to A and I asked what was so funny and he said “nothing” and then A said “he does a really good impression of the SR Research tutorials guy” so R was clearly just trying to mess with me like we’re in grade school or something
    * is it that obvious that i had a terrible time in grade school



  * _Jokes about having sex with my mom: ||||| ||||_



  * Did not wear socks to work
  * Wore socks but they were under sandals
  * Suit was burgundy instead of black or navy or something reasonable. Actually navy might have been worse



\--

September 16, 12:30 PM

Richard Tozier: i have a meeting after this

Eddie: I didn’t say ant hinge

Eddie: Anything

Richard Tozier: i saw the look

Eddie: Anyway it’s business hours so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway

Richard Tozier: my apartment is still on the table

Eddie: Thought you had a mtg

Richard Tozier: no, i mean like tonight

Eddie: Oh. Ok

Eddie: Yeah let’s do that

Richard Tozier: i’ll even swap out my looney tunes sheets just for u

Eddie: 🙄

Richard Tozier: watching u try to find that emoji was like watching a 95-year-old get out of an armchair

Eddie: Did I ask you to watch

Richard Tozier: 🤭

Eddie: You’re annoying

Richard Tozier: wait are u allergic to cats?

Eddie: No why

Richard Tozier: 👌 c u at 8

Eddie: Ugh

Eddie: 8 is fine

* * *

100.

Eddie’s phone, still Wednesday lab meeting.

12:48 PM

To Work Through At Next RT Meeting

  * Fidgeted so much in 9/16 lab meeting and I kept hearing his car keys jingle
  * Looney tunes sheets joke




	3. Part 1 (posts 101-190)

101.

Richie’s phone, pre and post lab meeting.

Subject: Notes etc [Inbox]

Steve Covall

to me ˅

11:29 AM (2 minutes ago)

Rick,

I hope data collection is proceeding swimmingly! I found a minute to look over the abstract for your potential project; I’ve attached my comments. There are quite a few of them, but I just wanted to be as helpful as possible. It looks like a little bit of a departure from your usual; good luck!

Vic said he stopped by your office the other day and couldn’t find you. Hope everything’s okay!

Dr. Frankenstein

________________

Steve Covall, Ph.D.

Professor and Principal Investigator

Department of Linguistics

College of Arts and Sciences

Office 348, 621 Commonwealth Ave

Boston University

Boston MA 02215

spcovall@bu.edu

\--

Google doc annotations:

**Steve Covall** | Resolve

This opening sentence sounds a little basic-- it’d be fine for an undergrad

**Steve Covall** | Resolve

The research space here isn’t clear. How is this different from Chung 2014 or Heitman 2012

**Steve Covall** | Resolve

Cute turn of phrase but inexact

**Steve Covall** | Resolve

Are you sure you’ll be able to make this work with the equipment you have? There are a lot of potential conflicting factors I’m not sure you thought about-- email me if you want a list. You might be departing too far from established  _ [cut off] _

\--

To Steve Covall (bu.edu) [draft]

It it’s total hot fucking garbage I would rather you just tell me that instead of tiptoeing around it, thanks. Also Victor Criss makes me feel like I’m about to get hatecrimed

\--

Richard Tozier

to Steve ˅

1:09 PM (0 minutes ago)

Hey Steve!

Data is fine on this end. I may be able to push to get everything collected by October. Thanks so much for your feedback.

I didn’t know to expect Victor! I stepped out briefly to run an errand to another building. I’ll make sure to keep an eye out for him. Thanks for letting me know.

RT

* * *

102.

Eddie’s phone. Wednesday night

Eddie: 8 is fine

September 16, 8:00 PM

Eddie: I’m here which one are you

Richard Tozier: are the flamingo string lights on the porch not a dead giveaway

Eddie: This is horrific but also exactly what I expected

Richard Tozier: and yet ur here

Richard Tozier: specifically to get all up on this

Eddie: I sort of assumed you’d be the one getting up on something oh my god I hate myself cancel text Richard Tozier you’re weird wait shit Siri you bitch cancel that don’t

Richard Tozier: LMAO

Richard Tozier: no i appreciate the candor

Richard Tozier: i just didn’t want to hold u to a suggestion u made in the heat of the moment

Richard Tozier: i’m a big fan of that arrangement

Richard Tozier: like just a HUGE fan. a well-endowed fan

Eddie: Fucking Christ

Richard Tozier: next best thing

Richard Tozier: u coming in or not?

* * *

103.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday night.

September 16, 8:17 PM

Eddie: You should sweep your bathroom floor

Eddie: My feet are all gritty

Richard Tozier: the joys of litterboxes

Eddie: You know for all the cat paraphernalia lying around your house I don’t actually see any cats

Eddie: Do you pretend to have pets to give people a false sense of security

Richard Tozier: did u have to google how to spell paraphernalia

Eddie: Did you make up names for your fake cats

Richard Tozier: the cats are hiding bc they can tell ur an asshole

Eddie: What?!

Eddie: Cats are already all assholes

Richard Tozier: hey!! those are my children ur talking about

Richard Tozier: hurry up and come back here

Eddie: I’d be back already if you stopped arguing with me

Richard Tozier: have u never heard of foreplay

\--

8:19 PM

To Work Through At Next RT Meeting

  * “Did you have to google how to spell paraphernalia”



* * *

104.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday night.

Richard Tozier: i can’t believe u brought that many condoms

Richard Tozier: what kind of host do u think i am??

Eddie: I made the perfectly reasonable assumption that you’d have some like fruit flavored glow in the dark bullshit

Eddie: You seem like you would have fallen for the Trojan fire and ice ads and have you read the Amazon reviews on that shit because I have

Richard Tozier: well it’s a good thing u got the value pack

Eddie: Is that your way of indirectly asking if we’re doing this again

Richard Tozier: come on, man

Richard Tozier: u were there for that

Richard Tozier: we’re obviously doing it again

Eddie: Fuck you

Richard Tozier: dude the joke is TOO easy

Eddie: That’s something you and the joke have in common

Richard Tozier: DOCTOR!!

Richard Tozier: u get home okay?

Eddie: Yeah

Eddie: Thanks

Eddie: For that

Richard Tozier: lmao

Richard Tozier: pleasure was all mine

Richard Tozier: figuratively

\--

10:40 PM

To work Through At Next RT Meeting

  * ~~“some people have personalities”~~
  * ~~Obsession w/ whether or not I have a personal life~~
  * ~~Walked into room where he was talking to A and I asked what was so funny and he said “nothing” and then A said “he does a really good impression of the SR Research tutorials guy” so R was clearly just trying to mess with me like we’re in grade school or something~~
    * ~~is it that obvious that i had a terrible time in grade school~~



  * _~~Jokes about having sex with my mom: ||||| ||||~~ \- **2 new**_



  * ~~Did not wear socks to work~~
  * ~~Wore socks but they were under sandals~~
  * Suit was burgundy instead of black or navy or something reasonable. Actually navy might have been worse - **this is still slightly annoying**
  * “Did you have to google how to spell paraphernalia”



* * *

105.

Bev’s sketchbook & phone. Thursday.

[unintelligible scribbles]

-> send M show notes—in peacock notebook

-> ask about sketches from session w/that tattoo model

-> think they used them as insp. for 2015 collection?

-> which I never got to work on [orange scribble]

-> WATER CONCEPT FROM 2013? 14?

-> chiffon w/beading

-> mockups ??? I know I made them?

-> w/rest of Polaroids. @ Tom’s.

-> whatever I can start over it was a good idea

-> 390 feedback on muslins

-> resumé workshop prep

-> why did I agree to that

-> hey everyone line up for job hunting tips from Beverly who has a restraining order against her last boss

-> get detergent

-> call Arlene back

\--

Bev: OH

Bev: thanks dude

Eds: No problem

September 17, 4:25 PM

Bev: is it healthy to feel nostalgic for a time in your life that was objectively horrible? haha

Eds: In what world am I the authority on what’s emotionally healthy

Bev: you have a doctorate in psychology

Eds: Yeah but still

Bev: lol I don’t know

Bev: but you know what I mean

Eds: Yeah I think so

Eds: I remember going to college and missing my mom’s food

Eds: Mostly because I was afraid

Eds: But you have a whole new life built up that’s separate you know so it’s different

Bev: yeah

Bev: I mean I wouldn’t go back to that time if you paid me

Eds: God I’d hope not

Bev: do you remember when we were first becoming friends and there was all this stuff I didn’t remember about New York?

Eds: “Don’t be a shrink about this but”

Bev: YES

Bev: you started talking about trauma reactions in a bar at 3pm and I was like you are going to derail my plans to make us best friends if you don’t shut up

Eds: Well I had a lot more experience with psychology than with making friends

Bev: my little naked mole rat ❤️ lol

Eds: It is a normal reaction though you know that right

* * *

106.

Bev’s phone. Thursday.

Eds: Not that I think you would need to hear that or anything

Eds: Just stating a neutral fact

Bev: I know

Bev: it’s just that some of it was good stuff

Bev: I guess I’m pissed off that I had to forget it

Eds: Your brain does what it can to take care of you

Bev: objectively I understand that but 😡🔥

Eds: Is it your turn to take up and I quote arson or kickboxing or something

Bev: god maybe hahaha

Bev: what did you do for your thing?

Eds: What thing

Bev: you know, the nemesis? you haven’t talked about that in a while so I assume you either found a solution or you drove him to move to Antarctica

Eds: I mean we’re not best friends but things are sustainable now

Bev: I’m looking for actionable solutions, Eds. where’d you put all that rage

Eds: _[typing]_

Eds: Work mostly

Eds: Journaling sort of

Eds: Uh exercise

Eds: Sorry I’m supposed to Skype call with the admin of one of the adult homes I’m hoping to work with for the second version of that thing I did with teenagers last year

Eds: So I gotta go

Bev: the story thing with the cards?

Eds: Yeah

Bev: ok! tell my favorite child I say hi

September 17, 5:05 PM

Eds: Betty says hi back

* * *

107.

Eddie’s phone, Friday night.

Chat title: 3X TRIVIA CHAMPS

Bev: fuck the Olsen twins too!!!

September 18, 10:50 PM

Bev: SO CLOSE

Eddie: The bitch babies definitely cheated

Ben: I think we should be proud of ourselves ⚡🥈

Mike: Is “bitch babies” the name of the winning team or is Eddie just being Eddie?

Bev: both!!

Bev: we missed you  💓💕💘

Ben: Eddie was our pop culture ringer! It was crazy!!

Mike: Wait, really?

Eddie: I know things!!!

Ben: You’re very smart

Bev: nobody’s arguing that but your pop culture knowledge normally extends to comic books released before 1999!

Bev: I am allowed to be shocked when you know lonely island song titles!

Eddie: It’s not by choice

Mike: I’m impressed anyway.

Ben: Mike, please tell your parents we say hi!!

Mike: They’re asleep but they will almost certainly say hello back.

Bev: god now the boat song is stuck in my head. lmao

Eddie: It’ll be there for a while

* * *




Eddie’s phone, late Friday/early Saturday.

September 18, 11:00 PM

Eddie: Hey

Richard Tozier: sup

September 19, 7:02 PM

Eddie: Fuck I fell asleep

Richard Tozier: lol

Eddie: What are you doing tonight

Richard Tozier: dominating the conversation at a rosh hashanah dinner

Eddie: Oh

Eddie: You’re Jewish?

Richard Tozier: yeah, i’m just really bad at it

Richard Tozier: but stan’s parents always invite me and i can’t say no to them

Eddie: Are you free Sunday

Richard Tozier: ur so sexy when ur efficient

Richard Tozier: yeah

Eddie: Cool

* * *

109.

Eddie’s thrilling Saturday night.

Chat title: CALDER

Eddie: Decluttered lab. If any of this is yours make sure you take it elsewhere sometime on Monday

Betty R: oh hannah’s been missing that sweater for like a month

Adrian M: Oh I borrowed it from her haha

Betty R: john mulaney that’s my wife dot jpeg

Don H: That’s my water bottle. Sorry!

Eddie: I transferred this week’s fNIRS data to Box let me know if  _ [cut off] _

\--

To: Deirdre - Narrative Study -  _ Director Helms, Thank you so much for your consideration. I’m attaching consent forms for you to l... _

To: Jamila - R Psych -  _ Here are the packages that I prefer to use to run EEG data. I think what you’re looking for will be under the... _

To: Paul - Mortgage HY 2015 -  _ Hi Paul, Thanks for passing that on. I’ll be in touch with Ms. Goossen about next steps, in partic... _

To: Isabel - EdPsych Reviews -  _ Dr. Beatriz, Attached are my comments for manuscripts 2-655, 2-661, and 2-664. There are fundi... _

To: Raj - NeuroImage Reviews -  _ Dr. Petersen, My apologies for the wait. I will be finished with my recommendations for manu... _

To: Kathryn - J Am Psych Reviews -  _ Dr. Liu, Attached are my comments for manuscripts 0813, 0820, and 0822. I recommend revis... _

To: PY340 - Quiz Grades -  _ Hi all, Your grades for Thursday’s unit quiz are now available on Blackboard. Some of you will need to r... _

\--

Eddie: That’s my nightmare

Eddie: I would break

Mike: Well, you’re not exactly known for being patient.

Mike: I think it’s kind of romantic.

Eddie: Sure but you want him to feel you up

Mike: I want him to want to do it! 

Mike: Anyway, I have to go.

Eddie: To fantasize about holding hands with Bill

Mike: To take my ailing father on a walk, smartass.

\--

8:46 PM

X r plotting packages - Google Search

X How To Close A Joint Bank Account | Bankrate.com

X FluSight: Flu Forecasting | CDC

X how long does rosh hashanah take - Google Search

X People of CAS Linguistics | Linguistics | Boston University

X andy samberg height - Google Search

* * *

110.

Richie’s phone, Saturday night.

Richie: i don’t know i’m not that kind of gay!!

Richie: ask patty!!

Stanislavski: She’s going to make fun of me.

September 19, 5:54 PM

Richie: shana tova dude, where do i park

Stanislavski: Shana tova.

Stanislavski: Curb next to dogwood.

Stanislavski: If you say it like kowabunga in front of my parents, you die.

Richie: hahahaha does esther still say it like that?

Stanislavski: You. Die.

Richie: u can’t be mad at me! i brought bonus wine!

Stanislavski: Oh, thank g-d.

Stanislavski: already having that much fun with the urises sr?

Stan: Always.

Richie: between me, patty, and the girls, i think we can keep them distracted enough not to relitigate every choice you’ve ever made as an adult

Stanislavski: One can hope.

Stanislavski: Hurry up.

Stanislavski: Might as well start taking the foil off that wine on your way in.

* * *

111.

Mike’s phone. Tuesday, September 22nd.

**BOOK REVIEW** | Bill Denbrough’s Warm and Welcome Departure

**By Julie Ahn**

Sep. 12, 2020

**FLOOD AND CAPTAIN**

**A Memoir**

By Bill Denbrough

To be a member of the reading public is to know Bill Denbrough’s name. He writes respectable, if somewhat popcorn-scented, horror. He has an insatiable imagination for monsters, his early female characters were more than a little tone-deaf, and he builds suspense the way a first-person shooter game does: by obstructing your view of the threat with a hi-res, borderline purple depiction of the corner around which you must find the courage to peek. The numbers speak for themselves: readers have an appetite for Denbrough’s stories, and he reliably provides.

To be a fan of Bill Denbrough, however, is to know exactly how difficult he is to pin down. Like a Magic Eye painting, the closer one gets, the less the picture holds together. His birthplace, his educational history, and the name of his dog (Shelley, after both Mary and Percy) are public information. He is known to speak with an intermittent stutter. Like many horror writers, he is rumored to have a traumatic childhood. All of this information would be unremarkable if there were more—but there just isn’t.

To both parts of his persona, the man of mystery and the amiable member of the pop-culture scenery,  _ Flood and Captain _ is a massive disruption.

Denbrough’s maiden voyage into nonfiction is forthright in a way that shocks the system. The most outlandish and well-known rumor about his past, that of his family’s connection to the notorious serial murderer Bob Gray, is confirmed well before the end of the first chapter: “my first brush with monsters,” the book opens, “came when I was twelve years old.” This is no horror novel; there will be no withholding for dramatic effect. He impresses a sense of trust into the reader, answering lascivious questions with little fanfare, seeming to believe that they will stick around for the depiction of adolescence in the shadow of real-life horror.

This belief is well-founded. With the combination of lush imagery and plainclothes philosophy that readers have come to expect from Denbrough, he paints a portrait of his younger self that is equal parts frank, darkly funny, and deeply kind. Throughout his teenage and young adult years, Denbrough reports, he saw himself as “Hamlet on a bicycle,” the inherent selfishness of adolescence transformed by trauma into “protagonist syndrome”: a belief that he was the theoretical butterfly flapping its wings, that he could avoid tragedy by living up to an impossible standard of goodness.

\---

Thanks for reading The Times.

Subscribe to The Times

\---

This thread of heroic self-centeredness cinches the book together like a well-chosen belt. From the “pre-tragic Eden” of his childhood, to the exhaustive perfectionism of his teenage years, to the “total spray-paint nihilism” of his twenties, Denbrough continually picks up his old selves and turns them over gently. He points out the poorly-fitting joints, the “blisters in [his] personality” where the armor pinched and chafed. What did I build around myself then? Flood and Captain asks. Who was it for? How did it shape me?

Show Full Article

* * *

112.

Mike’s phone. Tuesday, 9/22.

Mike: [image: previous review]

Mike: Looks like you still got it :)

Bill: Hahahaha thanks I think

Bill: I’m just hurt u didn’t use one of ur 5 free articles this month 2 see the whole thing

Mike: I save those for articles about NASA :/

Bill: Completely understandable. U have 2 have priorities

Mike: I sure do.

Mike: So you were a big mystery before this book, huh?

Bill: Haha I guess

Bill: It was mostly an accident at first bc I never wanted 2 do interviews bc I stuttered

Mike: And then you just leaned into it?

Bill: Sorta, yeah

Bill: Not into PR & really not into social media

Bill: I just never expected people 2 be interested in me as a person when I started trying 2 publish

Mike: I guess it’s hard to predict success like that.

Bill: Definitely. I thought it’d be me in a basement somewhere, just hacking away at a typewriter & occasionally sticking my hand thru the window bars 2 wave 2 my fans who are all pigeons

Mike: Why’d you start writing, then?

Bill: Oh god. I mean I started as a kid just 2 get it all out. My oldest notebooks are diaries abt how no one understood me & I’d never get a girlfriend

Bill: & then I liked horror b/c I was kind of a spooky kid but I didn’t want anybody to know abt it. If that makes sense

Mike: You wanted them to think you were happy and shiny? Or you wanted to think that about yourself?

Bill: Both. Like, if I just spent time thinking abt what would happen if I died in a horrible accident that meant something was wrong w/ me, but if I wrote a story where that happened 2 another kid, that was imagination

Bill: I saw a child therapist 4 a while who I mostly lied 2 but she did tell me that she thought writing helped me “give my fears context.” So.

Mike: And then you just turned out to be really good at it.

Bill: Yeah, sorta. I stuck w/ it b/c it felt like I could it do right. U know?

* * *




Mike’s phone, Tuesday.

Mike: I think I do.

Mike: I bet you freaked your teachers out, though.

Bill: Hahahaha did I ever

Bill: They were like “great, I have the traumatized kid & now he’s writing stories abt prisons run by cannibals”

Mike: Is it bad that that made me laugh?

Bill: No it’s perfect.

Bill: So what abt u?

Mike: What about me?

Bill: Why did u get into library

Bill: Stuff

Mike: Library stuff XD

Mike: I think what I really care about is history. I was a history major in college, actually; I sort of discovered by accident that being a librarian was more my speed.

Bill: As opposed 2 what?

Mike: Being a historian. I wanted to, for a while, but I realized being an academic was abstract in a way I didn’t really like.

Bill: Abstract like vague or too theoretical or?

Mike: How deep into the lore are you willing to let this conversation go?

Bill: There is literally no way I’d rather spend my time right now than listening 2 u talk abt history

Mike: :)

Mike: Okay, well, my dad was the one who got me into it. He’s sort of an amateur historian; he kept all kinds of records from our family and from my granddad’s old buddies from the army and the Panthers and things.

Bill: No way

Bill: That’s so cool

* * *




Mike’s phone. Tuesday.

Mike: Isn’t it?! He keeps it all up in the attic at my parents’ house; we used to spend whole days just going over it all together. A lot of his stuff is the kind of home brewed stuff—you know, magazines and pamphlets and everything. We have original copies of things I can’t find any record of anywhere else. Stuff that was this close to disappearing.

Bill: Holy shit

Mike: Yeah!

Mike: So I got into history, and I did that in college because it made sense. My library job was mostly just convenient, because I liked books and I needed the money, but I started to realize that librarians were doing more of the stuff I cared about than my history professors did.

Mike: Not that being a professor is bad!

Bill: It sucks a little u can say it

Mike: ;)

Mike: It’s just that the people who really organize what gets saved and scanned and sorted so that people can find it are all librarians. If you want to make history accessible, you don’t ask a historian, you know, you ask a librarian.

Mike: Plus, I hate writing Chicago style.

Bill: 😂

Bill: Damn

Bill: I know I already said this but that’s so fucking cool

Bill: Ur job is amazing. I have been failing 2 appreciate librarians enough 4 my entire life

Mike: Well, you’ve got plenty of time and opportunity to make up for it now :)

Mike: But yeah, I do really love it.

Bill: I bet ur dad is proud

Mike: He is.

* * *

115.

Eddie’s phone. Wednesday morning.

Chat title: CALDER

Don H:  _ [cut off] _ us to cover for him?

Richard Tozier: no worries i can just run participants myself!

Betty R: ITS TOO EARLY

Betty R: I AM AFRAID

Eddie: Just make sure you’re all washing your hands

Adrian M: Its probably Derry flu not regular flu

23 September, 10:31

Richard Tozier: medium-rare bad news

Richard Tozier: i’m on my way back to campus now, but my car is actively breaking down, so i will not be there in time for my participant at 11

Richard Tozier: i emailed them already, but they’re probably already on their way, so if someone shows up for my study, just tell them they can leave but i’ll still approve class credit

Richard Tozier: i’ll be there in time for lab meeting 🤪🤙 see u then & thanks

Betty R: if i didn’t have class i’d do it for u 🙇🏽🙇🏽

Eddie: What’s wrong with your car?

\--

Eddie: Ugh

Richard Tozier: if u believe it u can be it

Eddie: I’m here

Richard Tozier: door’s open

Eddie: You’re going to get murdered

Eddie: I could be a passing sociopath with a weapon

Richard Tozier: is the weapon ur dick

Eddie: Dude

23 September, 10:34 AM

Eddie: Can you afford to lose that participant??

* * *

116.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday morning.

Chat title: CALDER

Eddie: What’s wrong with your car?

Richard Tozier: lmao, as if i know. i can’t steer it and i don’t want to die, so i’m just accepting this part of my day

\--

Eddie: Can you afford to lose that participant??

Richard Tozier: ok, dick

Richard Tozier: i’ll survive.

Eddie: I just meant like your timeframe is kind of small already

Richard Tozier: i’m pretty fucking aware of that haha

Richard Tozier: but thanks

Eddie: Jesus Christ I’m not trying to piss you off

Richard Tozier: who said i’m pissed off

Eddie: Lack of joke about your ass

Richard Tozier: i have other settings besides clown

Eddie: Oh my god this is going nowhere

Eddie: Where are you

Richard Tozier: parkway part of state st, kind of by the strip with two vape shops

Eddie: What crossroads

Richard Tozier: it’s like several miles off campus, man, if ur about to suggest i try and jog in then do not bother

Richard Tozier: some of us physically peaked at marching band

Eddie: Whatever. Don’t go anywhere

Richard Tozier: i literally cannot

\--

Chat title: CALDER

Eddie: If his participant does come in tell them to wait right there

Eddie: He’ll be back in time

* * *

117.

Richie’s phone, Wednesday morning.

Richie: on the one hand, it’s not a big deal and i could lose a participant without derailing my entire study, but on the other hand, i keep getting hot and cold panic flashes and i need to leave the planet

Big Bill: I think probably the 1st one is true

Richie: yeah no shit but i’m anxious

Big Bill: 😬 deep breathing?

September 23, 10:37 AM

Richie: situation update. i am having a very confusing experience

Big Bill: It’s totally normal; u just have 2 get used 2 having a finger up there

Richie: now?? now is the day ur funny??

Big Bill: U didn’t exactly give me a lot of details 2 work with

Richie: well my nemesis is giving me a lift right now

Big Bill: Wow, that’s so intimate. U might as well b having sex

Richie: bitch

Big Bill: Is that all?

Richie: ok but he normally acts like i’m like a baby crying on his red eye flight, but today he fully left campus to come pick me up so i wouldn’t miss that participant

Richie: and then he helped me move my car somewhere safe until it can get towed

Richie: my steering wheel was super stiff so he used his tiny buff arms to wrangle it, which was very erotic

Big Bill: ???

Big Bill: & ur texting me this from his passenger seat??

Richie: no, we had an extra minute so he’s looking at my engine to see if he can “spot the problem real quick”

Richie: so I’m just standing here pretending to a) know enough about my car to have this conversation and b) not stare at his ass

Richie: this is my transformers. he is my megan fox.

Big Bill: Again, u r having sex w/ him on a regular basis, so I think ur allowed 2 look at his ass

Big Bill: What’s the confusing part? This sounds normal sexy

Richie: the confusing part is that this, like, isn’t terrible

Richie: i mean he called me an idiot, but he did not have to do this for me and i didn’t ask him to

Big Bill: That’s cool of him

Richie: suspiciously so

Richie: ok he just told me what was wrong with my car and i didn’t hear any of it because his hands were kind of dirty

* * *

118.

Richie’s phone, Wednesday morning continued.

Big Bill: Leaving a sterile environment makes him level up

Richie: i’ll fucking say

Richie: can u imagine if he was a total greaseball ALL THE TIME?

Big Bill: Ew

Richie: I’D NEVER GET ANY WORK DONE

Richie: ok prude

Big Bill: Ur sexuality horrifies me. Not the orientation part, but the rest of it

Richie: shut up ur aroused by mike’s ears

Big Bill: That’s btwn me & god

Richie: NOW he’s driving me back and there are too many things to handle

Big Bill: 😏

Richie: no i mean like, he just did me a favor, and he just did his little mechanic thing, and now i’m watching the man DRIVE

Big Bill: Driving is inherently sexy

Richie: yes yeah

Richie: he’s kind of a scary driver

Richie: i’m so turned on by this whole experience and now i have to go do my job??

Richie: his car smells like oranges. he is bitching at every other driver on the road

Richie: i definitely fell into another dimension

Big Bill: This is ur future husband

Richie: we barely tolerate each other most of the time

Big Bill: I’ve seen when Harry Met sally

Richie: fuck off

Richie: they were weenies from the 90s when u had to think casual sex was bad

Big Bill: Protest harder

Big Bill: Ur gonna kiss under some mistletoe at xmas & realize u want 2 marry each other

Richie: bill

Big Bill: Maybe a NYE party. The symbolism of like a fresh start

Richie: sincerely, i need you to not tell me that shit. you are my friend and i love u, but genuinely stop

Big Bill: 😬

Big Bill: Beep beep bill

Richie: oh my god. he pulled into his parking spot backward. he did the hand on the back of my seat thing. surely that was superfluous

* * *

119.

Still Richie’s phone, still Wednesday.

Big Bill: Mike did that when we went out 2 dinner last week & I got a little hard

Richie: thank god we live in maine or he’d have his ankles out willy-nilly and you’d be in a coma

Big Bill: It’s so annoying!! Anytime I so much as touch his lower back I think I’m going 2 have a heart attack, but all of the rest of the time all I can think abt is how badly i wanna lick his entire body

Richie: wow

Richie: there’s a lot to unpack there, but also that was as good as a cold shower, so thanks

Richie: i’m gonna go collect data now

Richie: good luck with uhh, that

Big Bill: Bitter old maid

Richie: jealous virgin

Bill: 🤘

\--

Richie: i literally cannot

September 23, 11:43 AM

Professor Doctor: Did your participant come in

Richie: yeah he did

Richie: thanks for your help

Richie: you didn’t have to do that

Professor Doctor: Well you know you’re part of the lab

Professor Doctor: I do want you to do well

Richie: gallant of u

Professor Doctor: 🙄

\--

Subject line: Car [Inbox]

Edward Kaspbrak

to me ˅

Sep 23, 2020, 11:20 AM

[ https://www.autozone.com/cooling-heating-and-climate-contol/belt/continental-serpentine-belt-4050347/939854_0_8296 ](https://www.autozone.com/cooling-heating-and-climate-contol/belt/continental-serpentine-belt-4050347/939854_0_8296)

That’s the part that needs replaced—it’s why your steering got sticky and I bet your air conditioning doesn’t work well either. You can techically get teh car to the shop under its own power if it’s a short drive. The internet will tell you that you can replace it yourself but based on what I know about you you shouldn’t. You can use that as a threat if they try to charge more than $120 for labor though

Also you need more wiper fluid.

EK

* * *

120.

Eddie’s phone. Wednesday.

Richard Tozier

to me ˅

Sep 23, 2020, 11:54 AM

thanks man. also this whole mechanic thing is kinda doing it for me, u should come over later and service my engine if u know what i mean. inspect my tailpipe? oil me up? is that anything?

Anyway get back to me re: sex later

RT

\--

To Work Through At Next RT Meeting

  * ~~Sent me the link to the “I Just Had Sex” song twice~~
  * ~~Sang along barely audibly to Grease soundtrack while he worked, including the Sandy parts~~
  * ~~Did buy glow-in-the-dark condoms just to annoy me~~
  * “That tupperware is very on-brand”
  * Talked to Kay about the Emmys in the hallway for six minutes
  * Left file cabinet unlocked overnight
  * Re: ALPAC presentation “I’ll just use the same slideshow i always do”
  * Calls B, A & D Wednesday Morticia and Gomez
  * Did not even know what year his car was made
  * Sweaty
  * Moved passenger seat in my car backwards and did not move it back up
  * “Tailpipe” ugh



\--

Eddie: Poor auto literacy leads to more frequent and more expensive repairs and ultimately a shorter lifespan for your car

Eddie: Also for the love of fuck would you stop coming onto me in my work inbox

Eddie: I’ll be there at 8

Richard Tozier: joke abt coming elsewhere

* * *

121.

Lab meeting notes, Betty’s phone.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

23 September, 12:26 PM

Betty: invasion of the body snatchers (1978)

Donathan: I can tell this meeting is above-average productive because you didn’t find time to text until halfway through 😉.

Kool Aid: EK being nice and RT being on topic on the same day. Like a solar eclipse

Betty: i mean he’s always nice to us. in his own little way

Kool Aid: Sure but not to Richie

Betty: yeah the mystery is enchanting

Donathan: Y’all are enjoying this too much

Kool Aid: Every time he says yall my heart does the can-can

Betty: lmao

Donathan: What? Betty says it sometimes too!

Betty: oh but your y’all comes with all that folksy texan charm, big d

Betty: anyway does anyone want to walk to subway for lunch

\--

Kool Aid: Lmao

Kool Aid: Did you ask her about the cucumber salad

Betty: yeah she said it’s from a blog and she’d send u the link

Kool Aid: 👌👌👌

Betty: there’s feta in it though

Kool Aid: Im going MOSTLY plant-based

Betty: commitmentphobe

September 23, 12:37 PM

Betty: wrong chat? lmfao

Kool Aid: SHUT

* * *

122.

Patty’s phone. Very early Friday morning.

Richie 🤪:  _ [cut off] _ assume that’s cool

September 23, 12:10 AM

Patty: Thank you so much for doing that

Patty: I will owe you forever

Richie 🤪: don’t worry at all, i’m happy to help

Richie 🤪: is ur student gonna be okay?

Patty: Yeah, they said he’s recovering just find and there’s a nurse on tonight and tomorrow that speaks Arabic

Patty: Never thought I’d actually need to remember the word for “appendix”

Richie 🤪: how often does this happen?

Richie 🤪: like, that they need u to translate?

Patty: Not too often, but it sneaks up on you [sweat]

Patty: I just always feel so awful for them. It’s scary enough to need emergency medical care, much less when you’re a thousand miles away from your parents and the doctor is speaking your second language.

Richie 🤪: what happens if there aren’t any staff that speak their first language??

Patty: You hope they have a friend who can come with, I guess. I’m crashing, but goodnight, Richie!!

Richie 🤪: night ms patty see u sunday

* * *

123.

Mike’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

September 26, 1:47 PM

Mike: How is he today?

Ma: He’s good...he’s alert  💕💓

Mike: Do you think he would be okay for a phone call?

Ma: Oh yes...we just finished lunch! Is there something you need?  💗

Mike: I just want to ask him about what he wants to do with the things in the attic.

Mike: I know that’s a little morbid, but I’d rather know what he thinks now.

Ma: I think that’s wise...call anytime  💞💝

\--

[image: iPhone screen showing a phone call to “Ma,” which has lasted 1:03:39]

* * *

124.

Stella’s phone. Dinnertime Sunday.

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: how do you know their mine

Stella: because im not fricking ten

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: 🐥🙈

September 27, 6:45 PM

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: i’m bored 😑🤿

Stella: what am i supposed to do about that??

Stella: me too

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: daddy said uncle richie’s shirt is loud 🔊 what does that mean

Stella: it means like it doesnt go or like it hurts your eyes

Stella: omg richie has a boyfriend!!!

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: WHAT

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: did he tell you and not me 🤬😤

Stella: no he didnt tell me but look at that bruise on his neck

Stella: that means he has a boyfriend

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: why??

Stella: its grownup but just trust me

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: ✌🏻👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨👠

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: 🦋🐬🐠

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: grandpa chews so loud 🦀

Stella: thats bc hes old

* * *

125.

Richie’s Google calendar.

SUN 27

**Yom kippur urises** 5-6pm

MON 28

**Andre participant** 9-10am

**Andre participant** 10-11am

**Andre participant** 11am-12pm

**Steve skype mtg** 12-1pm

**Office hrs** 1-4pm

**Participant 0851** 4-5pm

TUE 29

**LING329** 9:30-11am

**Participant 0340** 11:15am-12:15pm

**Participant 0251** 12:15-1:15pm

**LING525** 2-4:30pm

WED 30

**Andre participant** 9-10am

**Andre participant** 10-11am

**Andre participant** 11am-12pm

**Lab mtg** 12-1pm

**Participant 0013** 1:30-2:30pm

**Participant 0400** 2:30-3:30pm

**Participant 0976** 3:30-4:30pm

**MIDTERM GRADES D** _ [cut off] _ 5-6pm

THU 1

**LING329** 9:30-11am

**Participant 0458** 11:30am-12:30pm

**Participant 0367** 12:30-1  _ [cut off] _

**Andre par** _[cut off]_ 1-2pm

 **Participan** _[cut off]_ 1:30-2:3 _[cut off]_

 **Andre par** _[cut off]_ 2-3pm

**Andre participant** 3-4pm

FRI 2

**Participant 0569** 9-10am

**Participant 0628** 10-11am

**Participant 0534** 11am-12pm

**Psych dept mtg** 12-1pm

**Participant 0432** 1:15-2:15pm

**Participant 0679** 2:15-3:15pm

**Participant 0208** 3:15-4:15pm

**SEND DATA TO STEV** _[cut off]_ 5-6pm

* * *

126.

Bev’s phone. Tuesday afternoon.

Bev: or like a sitcom husband. like “what do wimmin want? flowers? chocolates? the maaall?”

Eds: Hey I’m supposed to be the one who worries too much. He’ll like it

Bev: if he doesn’t I’ll sue you

Eds: Try me my lawyer is literally on speed dial

September 29, 11:28 AM

Bev: remind me never to assign papers ever again

Bev: I’m going to start using only scantron multiple choice tests

Eds: That’s going to work out great for your fashion design classes

Bev: I believe in myself!

Eds: You could’ve believed in yourself a week ago and started midterm grading then

Bev: ur such a dick lol

Bev: professors don’t have to do shit you just have TAs do all your grading for you

Eds: That’s if I can’t get out of teaching altogether

Eds: Smirking emoji send

Eds: Goddammit

Bev: HAHAHAHAHAHA

\--

Bev:  _ [cut off] _ those cashews 😘

Husband: Wouldn’t dream of leaving without them!

September 29, 2:11 PM

Bev: hmm I wonder what this mysterious new entry on my google calendar could be

Husband: So weird! I have the same one 🤷🏼‍♂️

Bev: aliens for sure

Husband: Mike was right all along!

Bev: guess I’ll just have to get dressed up at 7 tomorrow night and see what happens!!

Husband: I guess I’ll drive 🚗💨

* * *

127.

Ben’s phone, Wednesday night.

Instagram

**bev_marsh**

Derry, Maine

[image: Ben in a suit looking at his pocket square]

**608 likes**

**bev_marsh** highlight reel: my husband of three years was SO excited to show me his pocket square, and i thought, it is the greatest privilege of my life that i get to share it with you.

\--

Chat title: septuagenarians

Mike: What’s the plan for tonight?

Ben: Dinner, candles, gifts, etc, and then I talked the building manager into letting me set up a little stargazing station on the roof

Ben: We’ve aged out of the climbing water towers thing, probably, but I wanted to preserve the idea

Eds: Damn dude I kind of wish I was married to you

Ben: 🥰👨‍❤️‍👨 love you both!!

September 29, 11:06 PM

Ben: SHE GOT ME THE BOOK

Ben: [image: a coffee table photo book of Frank Lloyd Wright houses]

Ben: I love my wife so much

Mike: That’s the one that was too heavy to bring back from Chicago?

Ben: She hid it in her carryon 😭😭

Ben: Marriage is so cool

Eds: Happy anniversary, you guys.

* * *

128.

Betty’s phone, Thursday noon.

[image: a phone screen receiving a call from a number without a name or photo]

\--

Dr. K:  _ [cut off] _ consistently just let me know

Betty: ok got it

Betty: thanks dr k

Dr. K: No problem

Dr. K: Everything’s going smoothly otherwise?

Betty: yep just fine! the new monitor is a minor miracle

Dr. K: Good I’m glad

October 1, 12:24 PM

Betty: hey i’m sorry but i really have to go early today

Betty: it’s hannah

* * *

129.

Richie’s phone. Thursday afternoon.

Richie: try and stop me

Professor Doctor: As if I’d have to try

Richie: sick burn

Professor Doctor: I’m not going to touch a penis called Richard Junior

Richie: wow ur right u barely had to try

October 1, 2:17 PM

Richie: do i spy edward kaspbrak himself running a participant?

Richie: dr “division of labor is key to efficiency”?

Professor Doctor: They’re Betty’s

Professor Doctor: She had to leave early

Richie: ah

Richie: is everything ok?

Professor Doctor: Her wife was in a car accident

Richie: THAT CHILD HAS A WIFE???

Professor Doctor: Yes? She talks about her a lot

Professor Doctor: Childhood best friends we’re rooting for you you crazy kids kind of thing

Professor Doctor: It’s sweet

Richie: oh that is sweet

Professor Doctor: Yeah

Richie: is she going to be okay?

Professor Doctor: Hannah? Yeah she should be fine just bumps and bruises and maybe a minor concussion

Richie: OH THAT’S HANNAH

Professor Doctor: How did you not make this connection

Richie: i don’t know!! one of my students called margaret meade her wife in class yesterday

Richie: it’s like a kid thing

Richie: whatever

Richie: so betty’s out for the rest of the day?

Professor Doctor: And tomorrow

* * *

130.

Richie’s phone, Thursday afternoon.

Professor Doctor: I told her not to come back till Monday

Richie: just like that?

Professor Doctor: Are you suggesting I should have made her come back in

Richie: no that’s not what i mean!

Professor Doctor: People have families Richie

Richie: no, i mean, i would have done the same thing, it just surprised me a little that u did

Professor Doctor: Why is that surprising

Richie: well, u know how u kinda come across

Professor Doctor: What’s that supposed to mean

Richie: u know what, i don’t remember

Richie: so ur running her people for her?

Professor Doctor: I’m just covering her work for today and tomorrow

Richie: ur gonna be here till like 11

Professor Doctor: Somebody has to do it

Richie: or maybe it’s okay if some of her stuff just doesn’t get done for a few days

Professor Doctor: Ha fucking ha

Richie: 🥴

* * *

131.

Richie’s phone, Thursday evening.

October 1, 4:27 PM

Richie: can i help with anything?

Professor Doctor: Don’t you have your own stuff to do

Richie: yeah, dude, but i’m trying to be a good coworker

Professor Doctor: Oh

Professor Doctor: Thanks but no I can handle it

Richie: u got it dude 👈🏻👱🏻‍♀️👈🏻

Professor Doctor: What is that

Richie: full house?

Professor Doctor: The show with Bob Saget

Richie: bob saget was not the centerpiece of that show

Professor Doctor: What he was cute

Richie: first of all, john stamos was the full house eye candy, i cannot believe this is an argument anyone would have

Richie: second of all it’s the little girl! michelle? olsen twins?

Professor Doctor: I never actually watched that show

Richie: jesus dude were u homeschooled?? did u even have a television??

Professor Doctor: I wasn’t in a fundamentalist cult

Professor Doctor: We had TV

Richie: ok, then what did u watch?

Professor Doctor: Soaps I think

Richie: what’s it like being my grandmother?

Professor Doctor: Disappointing mostly

Richie: ba dum tshh

Professor Doctor: Did you set me up for that

* * *

132.

Richie’s phone, Thursday night.

October 1, 6:37 PM

Richie: i’m getting shawarma, what do u like here?

Professor Doctor: I thought you said you were leaving

Richie: yeah man for food

Richie: now tell me ur order there are undergrads in line behind me that i’m a little scared of

Professor Doctor: Oh um uh 7 with lamb

Professor Doctor: Thanks Rich

Richie: no problem, back at the speed of a horse pissing

Professor Doctor: Jesus

* * *

133.

Richie’s phone, Thursday night.

October 1, 7:31 PM

Richie: i’m bored. can i help with anything?

Professor Doctor: Betty was supposed to pilot this version of the procedure by tomorrow

Richie: say no more

\--

Subject: Data collection

Richard Tozier < [ rtozier@derry.ua.edu ](mailto:rtozier@derry.ua.edu) >

to Steve ˅

Oct 1, 2020, 7:35 PM

Hey Steve,

Sorry to say I probably won’t be able to get the final data package to you by tomorrow night; I’m going to need a few extra hours to fiddle with the data processing software. I’m very sorry to have to push the deadline, but some unexpected bumps came up. You should have it by Saturday afternoon.

Thanks, and sorry again,

Rick

* * *

134.

Richie’s phone, Thursday night.

October 1, 7:47 PM

Richie: this cap feels like head spanx

Professor Doctor: Not my fault you have a giant fucking skull

Richie: how do i look doc?

Professor Doctor: Don’t wink at the camera it leaves a movement artifact

Richie: oh shit, sorry

Professor Doctor: No I’m fucking with you

Richie: SHOCK

Professor Doctor: I can see your face you don’t have to caption it

Professor Doctor: Yeah 🖕 you too

Richie: are these pseudowords?

Professor Doctor: Yeah

Professor Doctor: You speak Korean?

Richie: nah, but u don’t get through a morphology course without collectively drooling over hangul

Professor Doctor: That makes sense

Richie: it says part 1 over

Richie: how many are there?

Professor Doctor: Four. Sorry

Richie: it’s all good

Richie: times like these u wonder why u got into academics

Professor Doctor: Yeah?

Professor Doctor: Why

Richie: why do i wonder or why did i get into academics?

Professor Doctor: I guess both

Professor Doctor: You don’t exactly have a uh professorial personality

Richie: oh i never thought i’d do this

Richie: i wanted to be a comedian most of my life, actually

Professor Doctor: That makes more sense

* * *

135.

Richie’s phone, last of Thursday night.

Richie: yeah, yuk it up

Richie: then i took a phonetics class because i thought it’d help me do voices and i just got really into it

Professor Doctor: And the world was saved from your comedy

Richie: oh, no, i did the comic thing

Richie: i did standup for a couple years after college, but if i wanted to be successful i would’ve had to do this schlocky frat guy stuff that just bored the shit out of me

Richie: and i missed research, actually

Richie: answering questions, solving puzzles, etc

Richie: so i went back

Professor Doctor: Huh

Professor Doctor: That also makes sense

Richie: what about you?

Richie: why did u sign up for academic suffering

Professor Doctor: Not enough of a people person for clinical

Richie: but why psychology

Professor Doctor: Why does anybody get into psychology? I had a fucked up childhood

Richie: Ok that’s the ending screen

Richie: oh cool

Professor Doctor: Thanks for your help

Professor Doctor: Sincerely

Richie: no problem, sincerely

October 1, 9:10 PM

Richie: night, doc

Professor Doctor: Goodnight

* * *

136.

Betty’s phone, Friday.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Kool Aid: [image: a photo of Hannah with ear buds in as if using facetime]

Kool Aid: When shes allowed to look at screens again  💗💘💓💘💕💝

Betty: adrian please release my wife

Kool Aid: Were working out the details of our reception for when she and I magically both become straight and marry each other

Donathan: I’m glad she’s feeling better!

Betty: thanks, my one coworker who isn’t trying to cuck me

* * *

137.

Kay’s phone.

Subject: Safe & Happy Homecoming [Inbox]

Derry SGA

to me ˅

Oct 2, 2020, 1:10 PM

#  **Homecoming Safety Message from SGA**

Dear Derry U students, faculty, and staff:

This upcoming week is one of the best of the year: homecoming! We'll be enjoying nonstop events, performances, parades, celebrations, and parties, all leading up to our game on Saturday against the Nittany Lions! For a list of all the Homecoming events, visit:  [ www.derry.edu/sga/hoco ](http://www.derry.edu/sga/hoco) .

Starting Thursday, we will see thousands of students, alumni, and community members enjoying themselves on campus. In order to be gracious hosts and to ensure that homecoming is safe for everyone, we ask all of you to take responsibility for healthy homecoming behavior.

**Here are several things to keep in mind during Homecoming Week:**

_ [cut off] _

\--

Subject: Homecoming concerns [Inbox]

Carolina Simons

to me ˅

Oct 2, 2020, 1:48 PM

Hi all!

The university is anticipating an enormous amount of guests this upcoming week, which is exciting in a couple of ways. Of course, we hope everyone has fun, but I just want to remind everyone to be extra careful to  **lock up after yourself** this week. You may remember that both Robert and Neibolt Hall took a little bit of damage during football season last year when some fans got inside to use the restroom. We don't anticipate a repeat performance, but we also don't want to welcome one, so please make sure that your office doors and the doors to the building are firmly closed behind you. Thank you! Now let's beat Penn State!

Happy homecoming!

Carol 

Dr. Carolina Simons

Professor and Chair

Department of Psychology

Derry University

\--

Kay: [image: screenshots of emails]

Kay: Work at a big research university, they said. The resources are amazing, they said.

Audra ☺️: ahahaha baby ❤️👶

Kay: Are you being sweet to me or bullying me right now?

Audra ☺️: Oh, isn’t it always both?

Audra ☺️: it can’t be that bad!!!

Kay: No, it’s awful.

Audra ☺️: Do you really hate football that much???

Kay: No, football is fine!

Kay: I would love it if it was just the football game and then everyone went home. The part where everyone hangs around and gets obscenely drunk in the middle of campus is where my enthusiasm kind of drops off.

Audra ☺️: we’re so different. I love that.

Kay: I love you!

Audra ☺️: i love you too! 💕💗

Audra ☺️: hey are you going to put last names on the guest list for halloween so I can look them all up on facebook??!

Kay: Don’t you have professional acting to do? 😂

* * *

138.

Bev’s phone. Sunday afternoon.

Murray: Happy late anniversary! Just saw your Instagram post and oh my god, your husband is so cute!

Bev: oh thank you!!! hahaha I agree, I love his face

Murray: How’d you two meet? I didn’t get a chance to talk to him at the show, but I have so many QUESTIONS!! My boss’s daughter said he was “a total cupcake”

Bev: that’s honestly a pretty apt description! lol

Bev: my very first friend at the university introduced us, actually. they were in yoga class together!

Murray: And your friend passed him off to you?? Absolutely saintly.

Bev: well, at the time he was married

Murray: Your friend or your husband??

Bev: HAHAHAHA

Bev: MY FRIEND

Murray: Oh I was about to be like ok, work, I love that drama

Bev: and I love that you have those instincts

Murray: Hell yeah!!

Murray: Okay, please go on

Bev: oh, just a classic setup. my friend said he met this single, employed architect with a heart of gold and an ass that won’t quit

Murray: Oh my god. Your husband is a Mark Ruffalo character

Bev: and i said this isn’t a reese witherspoon movie

Bev: HAHAHAHAHA

Murray: Unbelievable!!

Bev: but then he was real! and really like that!

Murray: So he’s confirmed to be a cupcake?

Bev: completely. He is the sweetest, most thoughtful, most romantic person I’ve ever met. Last night, he read me Neruda and cried about it

Murray: You really deserve that. I am SO, so happy for you.

Bev: thank you 🥰😭

Bev: he’s my favorite person and I love him very deeply!

Murray: God, it’s wild how much has changed since I talked to you last!

Murray: In a good way, of course.

Bev: seriously. and you too!! new job!! new suits!! i feel like a pageant mom, like “that’s my kid!!” even though we graduated the same year hahaha

Murray: I’ll allow it 😂😂

* * *

139.

Homecoming tweets from around campus.

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUhotlibrarian

official hot librarian homecoming take: “i’m glad people have fun with this, but i’m also glad i’m going out of town this weekend”

12:10 PM · Oct 5, 2020

**fairy tale background extra**

@barbiesswanlake

I Survived! running into my accounting teacher and his daughter in the forever21 dressing room while i was trying on bralettes for hoe hoe homecoming

7:11 PM · Oct 6, 2020

**Fairy tale background extra** @barbiesswanlake · Oct 6

Replying to @barbiesswanlake

“It’s supposed to be 50 degrees this weekend” what would cardi b say, coward

**maria’s silk press**

@jacquelying

my himbo architecture prof this morning: who’s excited for the game this weekend!

me: i’m gay so i don’t know what any of those words mean

12:52 PM · Oct 7, 2020

**i glow pink**

@peachyfaces

finally showed up to psych bc my midterm grade was fuckin trash and the prof was ten minutes late and like fully red-faced w/rage about hoco traffic. 20 likes and i’ll invite him next time me and gavin hotbox my car

11:44 AM · Oct 8, 2020

* * *

140.

Eddie’s phone. Friday afternoon.

Chat title: CALDER

Don H: I’m not presenting next week, am I?

Eddie: No no presentations next week

Eddie: We’re doing the Q and A for the undergrads

October 9, 1:27 PM

Eddie: Did everyone see the email last week about locking up? Be very careful this weekend

Eddie: We don’t want anyone anywhere near the equipment

Adrian M: Im so safe Im not even going to set foot in the building between now and Monday morning. Just to be safe

Betty R: i love safety

Betty R: who am i gonna see at the psych tailgating tent???

Don H: ✋

Adrian M: I could make an appearance

Richard Tozier: there will be barbecue so i will be present

Eddie: Have fun this weekend, everyone. Stay safe

* * *

141.

Richie’s phone. Friday afternoon.

Richie: snoopers can’t be judgers

Professor Doctor: I’m not judging if it’s an objective fact and it’s an objective fact that your coffee sucks

Richie: u know i treasure our little talks

October 9, 1:41 PM

Richie: are u really going to stay inside all weekend?

Professor Doctor: Bite me

Richie: later

Richie: what’s the point of going to a giant fuckoff school with an overfunded football program if u don’t at least have fun at stuff like homecoming??

Professor Doctor: More resources for my research

Professor Doctor: Which I think is important

Richie: didn’t u do ur ba here? where’s the school spirit

Richie: the nostalgia for the good old days

Professor Doctor: Don’t you have a conference presentation to work on

Richie: ok now ur just being a dick for fun

Richie: did i not know that thing cold at last week’s lab meeting? i’ve presented shit like that more times than i can count

Professor Doctor: Maybe that’s not a good thing

Richie: whatever u say big shoots

Richie: i’m just suggesting u engage with the outside world for one day. one. drink a beer and wear a t-shirt. u might like it

Professor Doctor: Have fun getting drunk at two in the afternoon

Richie: i will! i’m going to have a great time with my friends 

Richie: who i think are important

October 9, 3:54 PM

Richie: ur still coming over later right

Professor Doctor: Yeah duh

Richie: 😎

* * *

142.

Richie’s phone, Saturday morning.

Chat title: first day of school support group

Big Bill: NE corner of the quad

Richie: do u think we know directions?

Stanislavski: Bill, we’ll be there in a minute.

Richie: i just want u guys to know that stan just said out loud to me “invest in a compass if you’re that hopelessly misdirected” which is the new most deeply stan sentence that’s ever been said

Pitter Patter: “Invest in a compass” 🤣🤣

Big Bill: Patty r u w/ the guys?

Stanislavski: She’s coming later; she’s at the outlet mall with the girls.

Big Bill: abject failure of the bechdel test

Richie: lol

Pitter Patter: I volunteered!!

Richie: do we actually have to watch the football at this event?

Big Bill: no, the point is drinking & people-watching. We won’t set foot inside the stadium

Richie: perfect

* * *

143.

Eddie’s phone. Saturday afternoon.

Ben: Hey! If you manage to get away from the lab today, me and Bev are set up with a few other people from Kersh! We have kombucha and soda and snacks!! It’ll be fun 🏈🥩

Eddie: Maybe! I’m not sure when I’ll be done with things here.

Ben: It’s Saturday, man, you should be done with things on principle!!

Eddie: Says the man with three jobs

Ben: We’re going to FaceTime Mike and his parents once the game starts 👨🏾‍🦱👵🏾👴🏾

Eddie: Maybe

Eddie: Oh ugh hold on I have to deal with something hey fuckwad

\--

[image: an iphone screen showing a call to a contact named Campus Security]

\--

Chat title: CALDER

October 10, 12:24 PM

Betty R: [image: Richie standing outdoors, holding a plate of food, and wearing a black t-shirt]

Betty R: amazing! area man says he will come to event “for free food,” actually shows up

Richard Tozier: i take barbecue extremely seriously!

\--

Ben: We’re going to FaceTime Mike and his parents once the game starts 👨🏾‍🦱👵🏾👴🏾

Eddie: Maybe

Eddie: Oh ugh hold on I have to deal with something hey fuckwad

Eddie: Actually you know what fuck it I’ll be there in twenty

* * *

144.

Ben’s phone! Saturday afternoon.

Chat title: arson committers

Ben: I got Eddie to show up!! 🏆🥇

Bev 🐝💖: oh my god. oh my god!

Ben: I know!!

Mike: That’s great!

Bev 🐝💖: it’s an achievement is what it is. the hermit at a tailgate lol

Mike: Eddie’s not a hermit; he’s just focused!

Mike: I mean, sometimes you have to pick one thing, stick to it, and make sure you do it well.

Ben: I guess I don’t really have a leg to stand on here 😂 😭

Bev 🐝💖: i think you do a good job prioritizing!!

Bev 🐝💖: anyway, it’s not a bad thing to be focused, but it’s like the golf balls thing

Mike: The what?

Ben: The golf balls and sand? You know, where your life is a mason jar and you can put in five golf balls and the jar is full but then you can fit pebbles in around the golf balls and it’s full then too but then you can still put in sand and then water? The golf ball thing

Mike: Ben, man, I love you like a brother, but sometimes I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

Bev 🐝💖: Eddie’s jar is filled with pebbles! it makes sense!

Ben: Ask your mom! I bet she knows what I’m talking about.

Mike: Fine.

Mike: Yeah, she says they did that at a marriage retreat at church a few years ago XD

Ben: Ten points to Ben!

Bev 🐝💖: no sports in the chat until it is absolutely necessary!!!

Mike: Either way, it’ll be fun to have him here.

Ben: ETA five minutes 🤘🤟

Ben: I forget which sign is for rock on and which is I love you but they both work!!!

Bev 🐝💖: Mike i’m going to put a dr pepper next to the screen so it’s just like you’re here in person lol

* * *

144.

Don’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Don: Y’all.

Adrian: Amazing start.

Don: EK is here.

Bets: WHAT????

Bets: like here at the psych tent??

Don: No, he’s down the row a bit with some of his friends. You might be able to see them from there. There’s a really pretty redheaded lady and a tall buff guy.

Adrian: Damn, good for him

Bets: three beers don is so thirsty

Don: Those aren’t my opinions; those are facts.

Adrian: Three beers don still uses semicolons lmao

Bets: there’s so much to process here. ek spotting in the wild. ek spotting at a big crowded event that’s almost aggressively not intellectual. ek having hot friends

Bets: oh my god i saw the redhead and don was right

Bets: ma’am step on me

Adrian: Don did you talk to him??

Don: Yeah, I stopped and said hi. Just for a minute though on account of the three beers

Adrian: And!! Play by play please

Don: Don: hi Dr. Kaspbrak! I didn’t expect to see you here

Don: Dr K: hi Don. Yep, I decided to step out for the day

Don: Don: Cool!

Bets: god we get it you have jokes

Don: Don: So are you enjoying the tailgate?

Don: Dr. K: This is the stupidest day of my life.

Don: Then I kind of escaped to the bathroom and that’s where I am now

Adrian: You left after THAT comment???

Don: Three beers, Adrian!

Adrian: You beautiful tipsy idiot!!! Things were just getting good!!!

Bets: ajdjskdjshdjdj has richie seen him yet

Adrian: Nah hes texting over in that same chair he hasnt noticed shit

* * *

146.

Richie’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Richie: are u here?? are u here wearing shorts??? are u trying to kill me???

Professor Doctor: Hello Dr Tozeir.

Professor Doctor: I think it was your idea for me to come here in the first place.

Richie: i mean, congrats on that, but the shorts though???

Richie: and what story are u telling right now that could possibly have required that much dramatic movement??? that much mobility at the hips???

Professor Doctor: I have had a long day.

Richie: it’s not even 2pm

Professor Doctor: I got up early bitch!

Richie: oh my god.

Richie: okay, surely THAT gesture was dirty

Richie: why are u pretending to jack off onto that extra from magic mike?

Richie: what does he have that i don’t have?

Richie: don’t answer that

Eddie: Oh my god it’s not a jacking off gesture it’s a pissing gesture

Richie: didn’t know u were into that but i don’t judge

Professor Doctor: Jesus Christ.

Professor Doctor: Some drunk dude pissed on my office door, alright?

Richie: WHAT

Professor Doctor: I was in my office reveiwing shit for am psych and I heard a wierd noise and I opened up my office door and there was a drunk guy right there taking a whiz so I had to change

Richie: YOU WERE PEED ON? TODAY?

Professor Doctor: No but I couldn’t not change clothes after that

Richie: what did you DO?!

Professor Doctor: I called campus security

Richie: narc!

Professor Doctor: Piss, Richard!

Richie: did he get away?

Professor Doctor: He was passed out on the floor by that point so no

Richie: he was that drunk?

Professor Doctor: No

Professor Doctor: I mean he was really drunk but I did hit him with the door

Richie: EDWARD GESUNDHEIT KASPBRAK

Professor Doctor: Not my middle name

Richie: u knocked him out??

* * *

147.

Richie’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Professor Doctor: Well the piss startled me and I closed the door fast and he was kind of falling forward

Professor Doctor: It’s not!!! My fault

Richie: jesus

Professor Doctor: You’re Jewish

Richie: and u were probably raised catholic but u don’t let that stop u

Richie: GOTCHA

Professor Doctor: What

Richie: u laughed!!

Professor Doctor: I laugh sometimes

Richie: not at my jokes! not like that!

Professor Doctor: That laugh wasn’t that big

Richie: it was big enough to scare magic mike over there

Professor Doctor: Whatever sometimes you’re funny

Richie: are u drunk??

Professor Doctor: No this is kombucha

Richie: my god

Richie: edward kaspbrak k.o.ing a drunk dude, laughing it off, leaving work to tailgate, and admitting that i’m funny all on the same day. legendary

Professor Doctor: I didn’t laugh it off I was completely raitonally pissed off

Richie: well ur laughing now

Richie: wait

Richie: how’d the guy get into the building anyway?

Professor Doctor: No joke about me being pissed on vs pissed off?

Richie: dude. did YOU not lock the side door??

Professor Doctor: How should I know

Richie: u let the piss bandit in.

Richie: u are the weakest link

Professor Doctor: Shit up!

Richie: a mortal man. capable of mistakes and humor

Professor Doctor: Today is fucking dumb

Professor Doctor: Do you wanna go make out in my car

Richie: there’s people everywhere

Professor Doctor: Fuck

Professor Doctor: Oh well

Professor Doctor: How did you know I was Catholic anyway

Richie: haircut

* * *

148.

Richie’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Big Bill: Richard where the fuck r u

Big Bill: R u still at ur gd nerd tent

Big Bill: Patty’s here & she says she saw ur nemesis on the way in

Big Bill: She said shopping was a failure and now her and Stan are talking about married people stuff

Big Bill: They’re not married yet but u kno

Big Bill: I finished ur beer that was open

Big Bill: I’m going 2 start drinking this $15 craft bullshit if u don’t come back

Big Bill: Richie I’m 2 old 2 third wheel

Big Bill: I’m coming 2 get u

October 10, 2:21 PM

Big Bill: I’m going 2 die alone

* * *

149.

Ben’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Ben: I think waterlilies is nice!

Mike: For the background of a Prozac commercial!

Ben: Agree to disagree 😊👐

Mike: No.

October 17, 2:34 PM

Ben: So, that’s Bill!

Mike: That is Bill.

Mike: And that was a disaster :P

Ben: It was fine! It was just a little awkward!

Ben: You know Bev is only laughing because she loves chaos, right?

Ben: She did like him.

Mike: I feel like I tried to introduce a new animal to a herd and they all got spooked and they’re never going to be able to be comfortable together after this.

Ben: I think you’re overthinking this a little, Mikey 💆‍♂️🌾

Ben: You should bring him to trivia next week!!

Mike: It’s a little early to do the whole meet-the-friends thing. I don’t want to push him.

Ben: Well, he already met us, and that went the way that it went, so maybe it would be nice to have a do-over while the paint is still wet.

Mike: You said it was fine! >:(

Ben: It was! It was just a little weird.

Mike: And the solution to that is trivia?

Mike: Trivia makes us all into wild animals!

Ben: Exactly 🏋️‍♂️💥

Ben: You just have to ask! He can say no!

Mike: It’s an idea.

Ben: Bev says he’s “like a Furby,” so I think that’s a compliment!!

* * *

150.

Richie’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Richie: heyyy buddy

Big Bill: NOW YOU RESPOND

Richie: bill u and i both know that i can’t save u from urself

Big Bill: I wish you’d try

Richie: what happened after the fall?

Big Bill: Call a spade a spade, richie. I 8 shit & I did it on your behalf

Richie: how is this my fault?

Big Bill: If u had texted me back I wouldn’t have been looking at my phone while I walked

Richie: that doesn’t make sense

Big Bill: Ok well even if the fall was my fault, u could have helped me up!!

Richie: i had to bolt, dude! i am not trying to meet eddie’s friends

Big Bill: Well I wasn’t trying 2 meet Mike’s friends while I was day-drunk & covered in dirt but life’s a bitch!

Richie: 😬 how’s ur knee

Big Bill: It’s fine. Ur future husband patched it up

Richie: i probably deserve that one.

Richie: so how’d the ship go down?

Big Bill: Well I’m getting my war wound cleaned when the redheaded one goes “sorry 4 the interruption, Mike, some drunk idiot fell over in front of our tent” & ur husband said “no, Bev, this is Bill” & then I hear mike say “BILL?” all the way from the iPad on the other side of the tent & I physically felt my tailbone hit rock bottom

Big Bill: & then i found another, shittier rock bottom under that 1

Richie: i’m sure it wasn’t that bad

Big Bill: You’ve seen parks & rec?

Richie: I had depression in the mid-2010s, so yes

Big Bill: Scene w/ Adam Scott & the police captain

Richie: oh baby

Big Bill: U remember in college when i could just pull out cool Bill whenever i needed 2? I miss that

Big Bill: Cool Bill was so convenient

Richie: cool bill was also a 20-year-old pbr enthusiast so I don’t think u have to be that nostalgic for him

Big Bill: Cool Bill didn’t have an anxiety disorder

Richie: oh yes he did

Richie: hobble back to our tent & have an overpriced craft beer about it

Big Bill: I ducking will!!!

Big Bill: Just kidding he texted me back

* * *

151.

Richie’s phone, Sunday night October 11th.

Subject: NS Data [Inbox]

Richard Tozier <rtozier@derry.edu>

to Steve ˅

Oct 3, 2020, 4:22 PM

Hey Steve! Just wanted to let you know that all the data from the native speakers has been cleaned and uploaded to Box. Let me know if the format gives you any problems-- .edfs can be a PITA.

Rick

\--

Steve Covall

to me ˅

9:24 PM (4 minutes ago)

Rick,

Thanks for finally sending that along. How’s your workflow over in Derry? Are you still able to handle all your new responsibilities okay?

I’m looking forward to seeing you at LSA-NE next weekend. It should be fun for you to rejoin civilization, haha! Why don’t we grab dinner on Saturday night? My treat! I’d like to catch up. I’d also like to discuss the future of our projects together; I think we need to go over how things have progressed this semester.

Can’t wait to see you present on our French phoneme expectancy work from last year!

Dr. Frankenstein

________________

Steve Covall, Ph.D.

Professor and Principal Investigator

Department of Linguistics

College of Arts and Sciences

Office 348, 621 Commonwealth Ave

Boston University

Boston MA 02215

spcovall@bu.edu

* * *

152.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday afternoon.

To Work Through At Next RT Meeting

  * ~~Sent me a picture of hickey as if I were not fully aware that I accidentally gave him one~~
  * ~~Actually said “living the dream” when I politely asked “how are you”~~
  * ~~“You know how you kinda come across” but refused to admit that he meant I’m the social equivalent of a cube of dry ice like be an adult and just say so~~
  * ~~Kept making faces at the webcam~~
  * ~~Kicked me under table during dept meeting and acted innocent when I tried to kick him back and accidentally slid down in my chair~~
  * ~~Brought me a glass of water when I didn’t ask~~
  * ~~Texted me just the word “sexy” in the middle of the day, did not elaborate~~
  * ~~High-fived his students like a fucking muppet at homecoming~~
  * ~~Did not notice the shorts for a full ten minutes~~
  * ~~Is friends with Bill who is dating Mike~~
  * “Some hot sauce in the oatmeal this morning huh” — this was a dig at my personality but also I did eat oatmeal for breakfast and I wasted five minutes in the bathroom trying to figure out if I spilled it anywhere
  * Sometimes when he makes fun of me his eyes look kind of dead and it seems meaner
  * Gave students an existential crisis during 10/14 lab mtg



* * *

153.

Betty’s phone, Wednesday noon.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

October 14, 12:46 PM

Betty: ugh i hate talking about funding

Kool Aid: God same

Kool Aid: Reminds me of when my dad wanted me to be a business major

Donathan: It’s good for the undergrads to know about, though!

Betty: i guess but half of them are doing med school not grad school

Donathan: You change your mind about a lot of things by the end of college. Just ask my ex-girlfriend 😝

Betty: stop texting us n get back to ur own meeting!! i want wine at the holiday party this year

Kool Aid: I think he should keep texting us, were much cooler than grad council

Donathan: At least take notes on what they say for me! My thesis isn’t going to be cheap

Betty: ek is just saying the usual shit abt finding relevant grants & staying on top of deadlines & don’t forget that u can combine multiple small sources

Betty: rt hasn’t talked yet

Kool Aid: Okay that was dark.

Betty: kinda metal though

Donathan: What??

Betty: ek did his whole spiel and then richie was like “or just do what i did and find a research niche software developers can monetize and you’ll never have to worry about funding for the rest of your life”

Kool Aid: Look at Andres puppy eyebrows he’s concerned

Betty: me the fuck too andre

Donathan: It was probably a joke!

Betty: i mean, he laughed after he said it, but like.

Kool Aid: Remember his presentation last week? That was the least enthused Ive ever seen him be about anything.

Betty: get the man some lexapro

Donathan: Maybe he’s just crabby because of how bad the weather has been lately.

Kool Aid: I love when you make it sound like we all live in the hundred acre wood

Betty: eh maybe going to boston will cheer him up

* * *

154.

Richie’s phone. Wednesday afternoon.

Professor Doctor: That explains nothing

Richie: clippy’s the little black one who offers her opinion on everything

Professor Doctor: How many cats do you fucking have

Richie: that’s a fun surprise for later

October 14, 1:17 PM

Professor Doctor: What the hell was that about

Richie: what

Professor Doctor: Your funding shit

Richie: i answered the question

Professor Doctor: That wasn’t the Tozier fucking comedy hour that was supposed to be helpful information for the undergrads

Richie: it was helpful

Professor Doctor: They can’t fucking apply that advice

Richie: that was literally what i did, though

Professor Doctor: Well not everyone is fucking lucky enough to trip and fall into a spot at Steve Covall’s lab

Professor Doctor: Some people half-kill themselves to get through school and make their research happen

Richie: yeah, yeah, i’m a lazy sack of shit, congratulations on that brand fucking new discovery

Professor Doctor: That’s not what I’m saying

Richie: it kind of is

Professor Doctor: Well that’s not what I meant to say

Richie: look, eds, it doesn’t have to be a whole big thing. it was a dumb joke at the wrong time and i understand why you’re mad. Ok?

Professor Doctor: Don’t call me that

Professor Doctor: You seem weird

Richie: thanks i’m having a shitty week

Richie: we don’t have to talk about it

Professor Doctor: typing

[Message read]

* * *

155.

Richie’s phone, Friday afternoon.

October 16, 3:58 PM

Stanislavski: How is it going?

Richie: it’s fine, it’s a conference

Stanislavski: Have you run into him yet?

Richie: i don’t know who ur referring to

Stanislavski: I know you’re trying to seem casual but you over-corrected.

Richie: stanley

Stanislavski: Richie

Richie: I have not run into him yet. I don’t even know if he’s here.

Stanislavski: I was talking about Steve.

Richie: u were fishing u bitch

Richie: i’m not having dinner with steve till tomorrow night, but he’ll probably watch my presentation before that

Stanislavski: What time is that?

Richie: 3:30

Stanislavski: Well, good luck.

Richie: thanks man

Stanislavski: What will you do if you see the other him, though?

Richie: can’t talk gotta go suck up at coffee hour!!!

\--

Big Bill: Y didn’t I ever get into witchcraft??

Big Bill: I could b burning incense and summoning cool Bill!

Big Bill: What should I wear??

Richie: i dress like baba yaga why the hell are u asking me

Big Bill: Ye exactly, I ask what u would wear & then I wear something else.

Richie: fuck u

Big Bill: Come over & help me

Richie: i’m in fucking boston dude

Richie: aren’t u at ur office hours?

Big Bill: Y do u think I made my office hrs on Friday afternoon? MFA students don’t go anywhere on Fridays; it’s like a free 3 day wknd

Richie: slob

Big Bill: Respect my fragile state please.

Richie: it’s bar trivia, man, relax

Big Bill: Bar trivia w Mike & his hot friends who h8 me

Richie: drama queen

Big Bill: I am not dramatic!

Richie: u sound like ur getting eliminated from a reality show

Big Bill: I am not THAT dramatic!

* * *

156.

Bill’s phone, Friday evening.

Bill: I’m a little nervous.

Librarian Mike: no need to be!

Librarian Mike: They can be kind of a lot, but they’re good people.

Bill: If they’re ur friends, they must be!

Bill: I’m still kind of embarrassed. Abt the 1st impression.

Librarian Mike: What, because you tripped?

Bill: Ur a nice person, Mike. U can admit that I was shitfaced & couldn’t get thru a full sentence.

Librarian Mike: Shitfaced is a little strong.

Librarian Mike: I might say crunk :D

Bill: Oh my god

Bill: If I cannot redeem tonight, it was wonderful knowing u.

Librarian Mike: I got you, man. Nothing to worry about.

Bill: Anything I need to know ahead of time?

Librarian Mike: Uh, not too much.

Librarian Mike: Eddie’s the little angry one. He’s our science guy. If he tries to compete with you, that means he likes you. He will rage out at least once tonight, but you just have to ride it out.

Bill: & I should not mention Richie to him

Librarian Mike: Not unless you’re wearing a helmet.

Librarian Mike: Bev knows art and some pop culture. She likes to be loud. She is almost always laughing with you; if she’s laughing at you, it’s good-natured.

Librarian Mike: She grabs people’s hands when she gets excited, and her grip is nuts, and she will knock a drink over.

Bill: This is like the Hollywood-beautiful one?

Librarian Mike: Is she my competition?!

Bill: Mike Hanlon, u do not have competition.

Librarian Mike: :)

Librarian Mike: Okay, then Ben is her husband. He’s the one who looks like a professional athlete. He knows more pop culture, some history, some sports. At some point, Bev will take a smoke break and he will go and make out with her.

Librarian Mike: He’s the easiest one. He’s just a lovely person from the get-go. He doesn’t drink, so probably just don’t point it out.

Bill: Got it, got it, got it.

Librarian Mike: You ready?

Bill: As I’ll ever be!

Librarian Mike: Ok, I’m on my way :D

* * *

157.

Chat title: 4X TRIVIA CHAMPS

October 16, 10:09 PM

Bev: MY BLOOD IS MADE OF FIRE. I AM INVINCIBLE.

158.

Eddie’s phone, Friday night.

Chat title: 4X TRIVIA CHAMPS

Eddie: I hate to say it but Mike you are not allowed to break up with Bill ever

Ben: Why would you hate to say that?? He was so fun 🥺🕺

Eddie: I lead a complicated life Benjamin fuck you

Bev: Ben sweetheart light of my life, he was very fun

Bev: but more importantly a fierce competitor lol

Eddie: The lit question reign of terror is fucking over

Eddie: Books can’t do shit to me now

Eddie: One of the fucking students in my complex just caught me talking to my phone

Eddie: It’s a Friday night shouldn’t you be out getting inebriated and causing property damage

Ben: Is that what you did on Fridays in college, Eddie? 🍻💥

Eddie: You know very well that it was not

Bev: always time to make up for it, baby boy!!

Ben: One time me and my college roommates played drunk baseball with a box of used lightbulbs 😬

Bev: college Ben is the reason Arlene calls you a caution ahaha

Eddie: Focus up assholes how do we make sure Bill is at every trivia night from here on out

Ben: We just have to be nice to him and respect Mike’s choices!! Trivia is about spending time with each other more than it’s about winning!!

Eddie: That is a lie and you know it’s a lie

Bev: we parent trap them if they ever seem like they’re on the rocks!!

Eddie: Now we’re talking

Ben: Mike are you not going to put a stop to this??

Ben: Mike?

October 16, 10:40 PM

Mike: Yes?

* * *

159.

Richie’s phone. Friday night.

October 16, 10:46 PM

Big Bill: Richie I did it!

Richie: that’s great buddy

Richie: what’d u do

Big Bill: I kissed Mike!!!

Richie: that’s awesome

Richie: WAIT

Richie: YOU KISSED MIKE

Big Bill: That is the thing I said the 1st time yea

Richie: I WAS HALF ASLEEP OKAY

Richie: that’s a big deal!!!

Big Bill: Kind of!!!

Big Bill: Is this the delayed adolescence they talk abt

Richie: it sure is

Richie: do u wanna spill the beans

Big Bill: Yes

Big Bill: I’ll try 2 b fast so u can go back 2 bed

Richie: no, tell me everything

Richie: i want to be so fully absorbed in ur life that i forget mine is happening.

Big Bill: Hahaha ok

Big Bill: Let me get my computer

Richie: ah, bill.

Big Bill: So he picked me up for trivia, and he smelled amazing, and I wanted to touch him so bad that my hands literally felt hot. Whenver he talked, I felt it in my chest. I thought I was going to be totally nonverbal the whole night.

Richie: do u want commentary or should i wait till ur finished

Big Bill: I’ll accept ooh & ahh but ur an accessory 2 the journey

Richie: 👌

Big Bill: His friends do trivia at this place I’d never been to before. Do you know the Falcon? Actually it’s not important, but it’s a cool place and I enjoyed myself. Anyway, I really like all of them, even your nemesis-husband. He’s funny.

Richie: 😑

Big Bill: But it was regular trivia, so it was loud and competitive and the redhead (Bev) and your husband (they all call him Eds or Eddie) were screaming at each other and Mike and Ben (the hot, muscly one who isn’t Mike) watched them like it was a free show, and it felt very much like they were a family. It was sweet.

Richie: 🥺

* * *

160.

Richie’s phone, Friday night.

Big Bill: So the game happened, and I got a few that nobody else knew, and Mike knew about the origins of the DEA, which was sexy, but there was this like thunderstorm in my stomach all night and every time our knees bumped under the table there was a lightning strike. You know.

Richie: author bill, i’ve been there.

Big Bill: The last question was about horror movies and I got it, and Mike looked at me in this way that melted my spine, and I thought something might happen then except for Eddie gave me a noogie.

Richie: the timing on that man is impeccable.

Big Bill: Like a Wall Street Yorkie.

Richie: oh my god

Big Bill: Anyway.

Big Bill: Then he drove me home.

Richie: 🥵

Big Bill: I felt sort of insane because he was just focusing on the road like nothing was wrong but I felt like I was going to light the car seat on fire. The air was like fucking...hot coffee.

Big Bill: I kept thinking that I was driving myself nuts and he wasn’t even noticing, and then he parked, and he turned the car off, and I watched him take this deep breath and he started to say something but I said “hey Mike?” And my voice cracked and I thought I had to distract him so I just did it.

Richie: you did it!

Big Bill: It felt very right.

Big Bill: And then we made out for probably half an hour.

Richie: did u 🍆 😜

Big Bill: Do not cheapen my magical man-frenching experience!

Big Bill: I thought abt it. But not yet

Richie: i’m really happy for you, man.

Big Bill: Me 2!! I’m not gonna sleep 4 a fucking week

Richie: well that’s gr8 but i do have work tomorrow

Big Bill: Ahahahaha sux 2 b u

Richie: i hate u

Big Bill: Gnite!

Richie: night

Richie: love u big bill

Big Bill: ❤️❤️

Richie: go think ur gay thoughts

* * *




Ben’s phone, Friday night.

Chat title: 4X TRIVIA CHAMPS

Mike: Yes?

Mike: Sorry, I was busy responsibly dropping my date off and not texting and driving.

Mike: Okay, first of all, Bill and I have been going on dates for maybe a month. So there is nothing for me to break up, technically.

Mike: I mean, I’m not planning on it, but can we scale back on the “is he our new dad” thing.

Ben: Sorry Mike!

Bev: sorry Mike haha

Mike: That said, we did absolutely fucking CRUSH IT :D

Ben: Hell yeah!! 🏆🏆

Bev: HELL YEAH!!!!!

Mike: So you all had a good night?

Ben: We had a fantastic night!

Bev: I love winning and I like Bill!!

Ben: What about you, Mikey?

Mike: I had a perfect night.

\--

[Ben and Mike one-on-one]

Ben: So Ben had another good idea? 😇😇

Mike: Yeah, you can take credit if you want, you big puppy.

Ben: I think Bev is kidding about the parent-trap thing, but she’s also seen that movie maybe a hundred times, so who knows 👩‍🦰👯‍♀️

Mike: Well, if I have any say in it, she won’t feel the need to.

Ben: You really like him, don’t you?

Mike: I do.

Mike: Sometimes I think I’m going to be too intense and scare him off, but he keeps surprising me.

Ben: Yeah?

Mike: He kissed me tonight.

Mike: I spent all night completely distracted by the idea, telling myself not to because I didn’t want to put any pressure on him, and then he just leaned across the gearshift and did it.

Ben: Oh, Mike.

Mike: It was perfect.

Mike: I know it’s really early.

Ben: I told you I was gonna marry Bev, like, one single date in.

Mike: I just have high hopes about him.

* * *

162.

Eddie’s phone, Friday night.

Richard Tozier: i’m halfway through spiderverse

Richard Tozier: ur not coming over unless ur willing to wait for me to finish

Eddie: I always wait for you to finish

Richard Tozier: ZING

Eddie: On my way

October 16, 11:31 PM

Eddie [draft]: Hey are you

Eddie [draft]: Why can’t Bill suck

Eddie [draft]: I wish you weren’t in

Eddie: Sexy

* * *

163.

Richie’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

Stanislavski: So your conference is over.

Richie: If he was there I didn’t see him

Stanislavski: Good. How did dinner with Steve go?

Richie: It went

Stanislavski: I’d love to beat around that bush with you, Richie, but I have to pick Esther up in ten, so just tell me.

Richie: Well I’m not getting collaborator fired thank God

Richie: He said that I quote continue to have a lot of potential unquote and then basically that he’s just worried quality will slip if I try to keep working on my shit and his shit at the same time so he’d be happy to cut me loose from the next few projects if I wanted to focus on brand new research but he doesn’t want to make that choice for me unless I’m sure it’s a good idea

Stanislavski: And you said…

Richie: That he had a good point and I’d like to continue working together

Stanislavski: Well, that was stupid.

Richie: Oh comma don’t hold back to spare my feelings

Stanislavski: He gave you an out!

Richie: I didn’t want one

Richie: Does that say the word comma speech to text sucks I don’t know how Eddie does this all the time

Stanislavski: Eddie?

Richie: Nemesis

Stanislavski: You know he’s an asshole, right?

Richie: I was the one who decided he was an asshole why would I need to be reminded

Stanislavski: I mean Steve.

Richie: Sure he’s a brilliant asshole who’s in my corner which is a pretty valuable fucking resource

Stanislavski: As long as he picks the corner.

Richie: Look he’s not wrong and I owe him basically my whole career for giving someone with my level of experience a spot in his lab

Richie: Steve handed me success on a platter for years I’d be an idiot not to take his advice

Stanislavski: I don’t know that that’s true.

Richie: That’s because you don’t know anything about my job Stan

Stanislavski: I’m just saying I think you should make your own choices!

Richie: Well I am

Richie: Could you please not be mad at me about this

Stanislavski: I’m not mad, Richie.

* * *

164.

Eddie’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

Eddie: Sexy

Richard Tozier: hahahahahaha dude

October 17, 8:23 AM

Eddie: I got drunk at trivia let’s not address it

Richard Tozier: ur lucky i’m too tired for jokes

Eddie: Good luck with your presentation

Richard Tozier: thanks!

October 18, 4:00 PM

Richard Tozier: Hey I’m on my way back from Boston do you want to come over and reduce me to a quivering mess of nerve endings

Eddie: Are you texting while driving

Richard Tozier: I’m using text to speech professor doctor

Eddie: I hate when you call me that

Richard Tozier: Bill told me you let your friends call you Eds so the cat’s out of the nickname acceptance bag

Eddie: What’s wrong with just Eddie

Richard Tozier: No take backs I’m calling you Eddie now

Eddie: I was already calling you Richie

Richard Tozier: Yeah but that’s like our dynamic

Eddie: We have a dynamic?

Richard Tozier: Sure we do

Richard Tozier: You have to protest every single thing I do because being annoyed is your primary turn on

Eddie: Oh my god

Eddie: You know you managed to make that booty call sound as unappealing as possible

Richard Tozier: That’s all part of the fantasy baby

Eddie: Don’t call me that either

Richard Tozier: You know how I meant it

Richard Tozier: Look I’m very frustrated so it’s going to be amazing so I’ll see you at my house at 6 okay okay

Eddie: Yeah see you

* * *

  1. Richie’s phone, Monday morning.



Subject: Prospective Graduate Student [Inbox]

Monica Corcoran

to me ˅

Oct 18, 2020, 11:42 PM

Dr. Tozier,

I am a senior linguistics major at the University of Michigan. I am applying to the Derry University linguistics doctoral program and am very interested in your work. After glancing at a few of your recent papers and your research summary, I find your work with phoneme expression in artificial language very interesting. Will you be taking on new students next year? If I am invited to interview, is there any way you will be able to meet with me?

I have worked on several different research projects as an undergraduate in Dr. Paula C. Menendez's lab at the University of Michigan. The Menendez lab is interested in pre-nasal vowel adjustments in a variety of contexts. My first research project was characterizing the changes in  ə expression in native Arabic-speaking learners of English . I am also working on  _ [cut off] _

\--

Subject: P-CALP follow-up [Inbox]

Steve Covall

to me ˅

Oct 19, 2020, 10:33 AM

Hey Rick!

It was great to see you this weekend! I’m really glad we agreed that you should pump the brakes on your patient language research. It’s a hard call to make, but I think you’ll find that it was the right one. You’ll be able to take all the time you need to improve the design before you get started.

That said, I’ve attached a few documents pertaining to our research together. The first is the BibTex folder for the P-CALP literature review. Thanks for doing the first draft. No rush, of course, but you should be familiar with most of these sources, so let’s say sometime next week?

Ran into your friend from Pittsburgh after you left on Sunday—he says hi!

Dr. Frankenstein

________________

Steve Covall, Ph.D.

Professor and Principal Investigator

Department of Linguistics

College of Arts and Sciences  _ [cut off] _

\--

Subject: You’re Invited! [Inbox]

Kay McCall

to me ˅

Oct 19, 2020, 11:10 AM

[image: spooky-themed evite]

KAY MCCALL & AUDRA PHILLIPS WELCOME YOU TO

A NIGHTMARE ON BRAGG STREET

_ [cut off] _

\--

Subject: Graduate Research Interest [Inbox]

Elfrida Udoh

to me ˅

October 19, 2020, 12:09 PM

Dr. Tozier,

I am a senior linguistics major at Boston University. I am applying to your graduate program and am very interested in your work. After looking at your recent publications and your CV, I find that some of your research with English in the service sector greatly coincides with my research experiences and interests. Will you be taking on new students next year?

I have worked on several different research projects as an undergraduate in the Covall lab at BU, of which I believe you are an alumnus. As you already know, Dr. Covall is interested in phonemic expectations in learners of English as a second language. As a researcher, I hope to apply this to interactions between L2 English speakers, and I am working on experimental designs

_ [cut off] _

* * *

166.

Eddie’s phone, Tuesday afternoon.

Eddie: Home

Richard Tozier: 👌 thx for turning my bones to goo

October 20, 5:27 PM

Richard Tozier: hey, ur super judgmental

Eddie: I don’t know how to respond to that

Richard Tozier: help me look at these potential phd students

Richard Tozier: i can’t believe i have to fucking advise people next year

Eddie: What do you mean grad students are the best part

Eddie: They do so much boring shit for you

Richard Tozier: well urs totally adore u, which is very cute, but the concept freaks me out

Eddie: They don’t adore me they tolerate me

Richard Tozier: they call u lab dad behind ur back

Eddie: No they don’t

Richard Tozier: they love u

Eddie: They have a healthy professional respect for me

Richard Tozier: u inspire loyalty mr kaspbrak

Eddie: Whatever if my lab is such a utopia what are you worried about

Richard Tozier: i dunno i think ur better at having them than i would be

Eddie: Why? Have you seen my rate my professor reviews

Richard Tozier: i mean for classes, sure, i wipe the floor with u, but you actually give a shit about your research

Eddie: And you don’t?

Richard Tozier: are u gonna help me with this or not

Eddie: Fine be there in a minute

Eddie: I’m ordering Indian what do you want

* * *

167.

Richie’s phone, Thursday evening.

Chat title: first day of school support group

Stanislavski: Sure, give me her phone number.

Pitter Patter: She’s responsible, right?

Richie: i’m sure she has references, but yeah, celia’s great, ur gonna love her

Pitter Patter: We trust you!!

October 23, 6:02 PM

Pitter Patter: Sunday!! Seven o’clock PM!! La Jicarilla, but the location on 9th, NOT the original!!

Richie: what’s wrong with the original?

Stanislavski: Sometimes I forget how recently you moved to this town.

Big Bill: There was a clown. I can’t talk abt it sober

Pitter Patter: And NOBODY is allowed to tell the waitstaff that it’s Bill’s birthday 🚫🚫

Stanislavski: Richie, we’re looking at you.

Richie: i find u a delightful and reliable babysitter, and this is the thanks i get??

Richie: suspicion?! shame?!

Big Bill: U told the staff @ Chili’s that it was my bday once.

Big Bill: At chili’s, man.

Stanislavski: When you worked at TCBY in high school, you sang Happy Birthday to me every time I walked in. They don’t even do that there.

Pitter Patter: LOL

Pitter Patter: That is such a funny mental picture!!

Stanislavski: If we hadn’t just put a deposit on the photographer, I would call off our wedding.

Richie: my dastardly plan to usurp ur spot as patty’s husband is finally paying off

Big Bill: U guys think I can bring a date?

Pitter Patter: Of course!! It’s your birthday!! Not to mention I’m a big Mike fan 🥰🥰

Richie: i dunno can u

Richie: damn my comedic timing

* * *

168.

Bill’s phone. I accidentally mixed up days, but let’s pretend October 23, 2020 is a Thursday.

Bill: _ [cut off]  _ cool mythology then that’s definitely my thing

Mike: Well, the mythology is pretty stupid, to be honest.

Bill: But is it COOL?

Mike: Yes.

Mike: But the drift compatibility is where it really gets interesting for me. IT’s like science fiction soulmates.

Bill: I’m sold!

Mike: Yes!

October 23, 6:30 PM

Bill: Michael.

Mike: William.

Bill: I think we can agree that I knocked it out of the park @ trivia.

Mike: We absolutely can.

Bill: Do u want 2 have dinner w my friends?

Bill: I imagined more of a segue there, but I got lost in the weeds w like some metaphor abt a wolf pack

Mike: You can workshop that and get back to me XD

Mike: But yes, I’d love to.

Bill: OK! Awesome!

Bill: How does Sun look 4 u?

Mike: Shit. I can’t this weekend; I’m going out of town.

Bill: Oh, OK.

Bill: It wouldn’t be till 7 if you’d b back before then?

Mike: I don’t know what time I’ll be back :( I kind of have to play it by ear.

Bill: OK, that’s fine

Mike: I just don’t want to say yes unless I’m sure I can be there.

Bill: Hey, we’ll find another time! Don’t worry abt it 😊

Mike: I go out of town a lot and I don’t really explain it to you.

Bill: I mean I have wondered, but I didn’t want 2 pry. Should I have asked?

Mike: No, I really appreciate that you didn’t. Hang on, this is might take a minute to type.

Bill: I can call u instead?

Mike: Honestly, text is easier.

Mike: This is just always a weird thing to tell someone because it inevitably turns into a conversation, and I don’t know how to get across that it is a big deal but it also isn’t because it’s been happening continuously for such a long time.

* * *

169.

Bill’s phone. Thursday night.

Mike: I don’t like that I can’t control how emotionally intense it gets. The other day, I cried in front of a coworker whose last name I don’t know. Have you ever felt like you don’t get to have any privacy about how hard something is because it’s also just a fact?

Mike: I don’t know why I’m talking about myself so much. My dad is dying.

Bill: He’s sick?

Bill: Oh god that was a dumb question.

Mike: Well, he is, but the critical part is that he is dying.

Mike: He’s been fighting stomach cancer for the past couple of years, and then this summer, he reached the point where he could have six okay months without chemo or a miserable year with it, so he stopped treatment.

Mike: So now we’re just waiting.

Bill: Oh, Mike, that’s awful. I’m so sorry.

Mike: And now I go visit my parents as much as I can, to spend time with them of course, but also because I’m afraid that if I look away from them for a second, something terrible will happen.

Mike: Sorry, this is not the conversation you set out to have. Anyway, that’s the situation.

Bill: If u don’t want to talk about it, u don’t have to, but I would want to listen. I haven’t been there exactly, but, u know, I’ve been somewhere nearby.

Mike: Your brother, right?

Bill: Yeah. My dad a few yrs back too, but we didn’t talk.

Mike: Well, I’m just happy to be distracted, and you’re very good at that :)

Bill: :) Thanks!

Mike: Is it all right if we move on from the intense part of the conversation?

Bill: Definitely.

Mike: Any special reason you’re going out Sunday?

Bill: Well. My bday

Mike: Oh my god.

Mike: And I made you talk about death.

Mike: Send me to the glue factory.

Bill: Hahahahaha

Bill: Do u wanna come over & watch venom?

Mike: My favorite rom-com? Always.

Bill: I like u SO much

* * *

170.

Stan’s phone, Thursday night.

Chat title: first day of school support group

October 23, 7:45 PM

Bill: No Mike this time, sorry! He’s going out of town 4 the wknd

Stan [draft]: He does that a lot.

Bill: [typing]

Bill: He’s taking care of his parents

* * *

171.

Stan’s phone, Thursday night.

Stan: [cut off] white vinegar.

Stan: I saw her put it on a skinned knee once.

Patty (❤️): How did her car smell??

Stan: Only a little crazy.

Stan: On my way!

October 23, 7:49

Stan: Could you please remind me to stop being a total pessimist?

Patty (❤️): Always, but anything specific??

Stan: When Bill said Mike was going out of town again I immediately jumped to “he’s stringing Bill along and probably cheating on him.”

Patty (❤️): You’re protective of your friends, and that’s a good trait, but wanting them to be healthy and happy means hoping they find nice people to be around. Does that help at all??

Stan: You’re a wonderful person, Patricia Blum.

Patty (❤️): Well, the first thing I wanted to say is “not everyone is Richie,” so take that as you will 😬😬

Stan: What was that noise?

Patty (❤️): Stella slamming her door at me 🙃🙃

Stan: I don’t miss adolescence at all.

Stan: Tacos are ready.

* * *

172.

Bill’s phone, Sunday evening.

Chat title: first day of school support group

Richie: [image: younger Bill kneeling on a fence]

Richie: study abroad bill

Patty: [image: Bill screaming in a car]

Patty: Billy Joel Bill

Stan: [image: Bill looking at a Funko Pop box]

Stan: Too Old For Action Figures Bill

Richie: [image: younger Bill in a twisted pose, smirking at the camera]

Richie: bisexual bill

Stan: [image: younger Bill with long hair]

Stan: Junior Year Bad Choices Bill

Richie: [image: younger Bill with his right hand raised in a fist and his left hand holding a raw chicken]

Richie: do u remember bill’s 21st birthday? bc he doesn’t

\--

Mike:  _ [cut off] _ aren’t real?

Bill: Obviously aliens are real; I’m not an idiot!!

Mike: Go to bed!

Bill: You!

October 25, 7:29 PM

Mike: Happy birthday, Bill Denbrough.

Mike: *<):-)

Bill: Santa?

Mike: Party hat!

Bill: Ahahahahaha

Bill: Thank u Mike ❤️

* * *

173.

From the inbox of...well, quite a few people.

[image: the same Halloween party evite as before. All the text is now visible.]

KAY MCCALL & AUDRA PHILLIPS

WELCOME YOU TO

A NIGHT-

MARE ON

BRAGG

STREET

Plus ones welcome;

Costumes encouraged!

8 PM | OCTOBER 31

605 BRAGG STREET DERRY ME

* * *

174.

Bill’s phone, Saturday evening.

Chat title: first day of school support group

Bill: She’s 92 but she’s determined

October 31, 5:45 PM

Richie: i’ve decided to go with a classic

Stan: Ghost.

Patty: Toilet paper mummy!

Bill: Sexy freddy krueger

Richie: what the hell, bill

Bill: Sexy Jigsaw

Bill: U have the laugh 4 it

Richie: alright, shortstack

Richie: what are u gonna be, sexy chucky?

Patty: Ba-dum tss!!

Bill: I h8 u

Bill: I rescind ur invitation 2 my extremely cool halloween party

Richie: too bad i already had plans!!

Bill: Yea have fun w ur fuckin coworkers nerd

Patty: Bill are you absolutely sure it’s okay that we come with?

Bill: Deeply sure

Bill: She’s really excited 2 c u again. She’ll turn me away from the door if I don’t bring u guys

Bill: What r u guys gonna dress as?

Patty: Here’s a hint: how could I possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this??!!

Richie: oh RAD

* * *

175.

Bill’s phone, Saturday evening.

Bill: But really it felt sorta like when u get a girlfriend @ summer camp so ending it wasn’t very angsty & we still worked together fine

Bill: Plus you’ll see them together & get it

Mike: Just one of those things, huh?

Bill: One of those things.

Mike: Besides, if we do need to leave early, I’ve seen your horror movie collection, so I know we’ll have no shortage of options.

Bill: U make an excellent point

Bill: Y did I think a party was a better idea than just making out with u on my couch w the blair witch project playing in the background??

Mike: Because neither of us would disrespect Blair Witch like that ;)

Mike: Are you wearing a costume?

Bill: Eh I’ll probably just spatter some old clothes w fake blood

Bill: Not much of a planner when it comes 2 Halloween

Mike: But you just have fake blood sitting around?

Bill: Does that surprise u?

Mike: In retrospect, I can’t believe I questioned it at all.

* * *

176.

Mike’s phone. Saturday.

Chat title: 4X TRIVIA CHAMPS

Eddie:  _ [cut off] _ grave robber right

Mike: I see someone’s jealous he doesn’t have a yard.

Eddie: 🖕

Bev: Mike, you’re going somewhere with Bill right?

Mike: That’s correct :)

Bev: have fun!! Costume?

Mike: Mothman!

Bev: what? Lol

Mike: You just wear black and put on antennae and wings. It’s easy.

Eddie: They make costume wings big enough for you?

Mike: They do not.

Bev: Hahahahaha

Ben: What about you Eds? 👻🎃

Eddie: Have you ever known me to be a costume guy

Bev: it makes me sad because, deep down, I know you would love to be a floozy and wear fake eyelashes ☹️ lol

Ben: I meant do you have plans? Do you want to come with me and Bev? 🎉💃

Eddie: God no.

Eddie: If I get done with my work by ten I’m going to watch the Twilight zone until I pass out

Bev: boooooo!

Ben: I think you mean bOoOoOo 👻😆

* * *

177.

Eddie’s phone.

October 31, 6:21 PM

Myra: We need to come to some kind of agreement about the house, Eddie.

Eddie: We have an agreement and that’s to not talk without the lawyers.

\--

Chat title: 4X TRIVIA CHAMPS

October 31, 6:24 PM

Eddie: Actually, will there be wine?

Bev: probably?

Eddie: Great I’m in

* * *

178.

Kay’s phone.

Audra ☺️: it’s still kind of early to say for sure but I think they’re going to shoot on location!!

Kay: This is the huntsman one?

Audra ☺️: Yes!!!

October 31, 7:02 PM

Kay: Anything else I should grab while I’m here?

Audra ☺️: more snack stuff? Chips and candy? We probably have enough alcohol 😂

Kay: We definitely do.

Audra ☺️: boy it’s refreshing to be in a place where not every single person you meet is a functional alcoholic!!

Kay: I worry about your coworkers sometimes.

Audra ☺️: Me too!!

Audra ☺️: ok I put a “don’t open” sign on the laundry room door for MPC, and she’s got food and litter and toys, the basement door is locked from the inside, and I figure we can use the guest bedroom for coats? Anything else?

Kay: Could you make sure there’s a sign about the sink in the downstairs bathroom! It’s been wobbling out from the wall and Kirby won’t be here until Monday, so people should know not to put weight on it.

Audra ☺️: done and done!

Kay: Target is carrying the ugliest sweatervests right now. Should I get one?

Audra ☺️: nooo that’s not sexy!

Kay: Is this a sexy costume?

Audra ☺️: are you serious??? Vivienne is THE sexiest character in the movie. It’s the severity

Audra ☺️: sure it’s typecasting, but I look good in pink and you look good in that bitchy headband, so who cares?

Kay: Whatever you say, baby.

Kay: Andes mints are marked down!

Audra ☺️: get 5!!!!!

* * *

179.

**please welcome to the stage clara tin**

@parrotbinch

u ever see a bunch of grown adults embarrassing themselves at a party + just think “u never tried to grow out of that??”

8:11 PM · Oct 31, 2020

**please welcome to the stage clara tin**

@parrotbinch

yes this is bc i’m salty that the professor across the street gets 2 throw a rager + i’m stuck at my mom’s house having a 3some w my laryngitis + my lsat prep book

8:13 PM · Oct 31, 2020

**please welcome to the stage clara tin**

@parrotbinch

absolute brick house of a man just walked up w itty bitty costume wings lookin like the caterpillar from bugs life

8:31 PM · Oct 31, 2020

**please welcome to the stage clara tin**

@parrotbinch

oh my god they’re playing waterfalls by TLC someone save these people from themselves

8:40 PM · Oct 31, 2020

* * *

180.

Mike’s phone.

Chat title: 4X TRIVIA CHAMPS

Eddie: Great I’m in

Mike: You good, man?

Eddie: I’m spectacular

October 31, 8:41 PM

Mike: Are we at the same party?

Bev: LMAO

* * *

181.

**please welcome to the stage clara tin**

@parrotbinch

update: hot lady on porch smoking cigarette listening to small man rant as he drinks directly out of a wine bottle. get out of there ma’am u can do so much better than that

8:47 PM · Oct 31, 2020

**please welcome to the stage clara tin**

@parrotbinch

i tell u what. there’s literally literally nothing more disappointing than the fact that the guy dressed as ferris bueller arrived at the function in a fuckin silver prius

8:57 PM · Oct 31, 2020

**please welcome to the stage clara tin**

@parrotbinch

porch update: smoking lady appears to have insanely hot meatball boyfriend. she pinched his ass. now that’s the life u deserve mama

9:12 PM · Oct 31, 2020

**please welcome to the stage clara tin**

@parrotbinch

disappointment update: cringe economy driven to disastrous inflation by a grown man in sharpie whiskers

9:32 PM · Oct 31, 2020

* * *

182.

Eddie’s phone.

Eddie: I guess I knew she knew Kay I jus tidn’t make the connection

Eddie: I can’t blieve I went to my coworker’s house on accident

Mike: This seems like it would happen to you, though.

Eddie: 😤

Mike: No costume?

Eddie: Bill’s not wearing one!!!

Mike: He says he’s a very recent vampire victim? I’m just letting him have this one.

Mike: I think I just saw your nemesis!

Eddie: Oh ghod where

Mike: Black t-shirt, cat ears? By the front door?

Eddie: Oh I see him 2

Eddie: Fuck

Eddie: I gotta get out of jere

Mike: Don’t drive anywhere!

Eddie: Imnot I just need some air

Eddie: Goin 2 backyard

October 31, 9:44 PM

Eddie: MIKE BAD THING

* * *

183.

Eddie’s phone.

Mike: You okay?

Eddie: DONT COME BACK HERE

Mike: What?

Eddie: LET CAT OUT

Mike: I’m gonna advise you not to, seeing as that was the first thing Audra told us when we walked into the house.

Eddie: NO ALREADY DID

Eddie: ACCIDENTALLY

Mike: Oh my god.

Mike: I’ll go tell Audra.

Eddie: DO NT

Eddie: KAY WILL HATE ME

Eddie: I AM ALREADY ANBYOING AT WORLK

Eddie: I CANNOT KILL HER CAT THE FIRST TIMW I SED HER IN A SOCIAL SEGTING

Mike: Okay, captain catastrophe, you did not kill the damn cat.

Eddie: TEXT BILL

Eddie: FIND CAT

Mike: We cannot do that.

Eddie: Yes we can!!!!

Mike: Are you going to let this go?

Eddie: No!!!

* * *




Bill’s phone.

October 31, 9:58 PM

Bill: Hi everybody!

Bill: We r searching 4 a cat

Bill: Ideally w/o alerting our hostesses 2 temporary lack of cat

Richie: what’s happening right now

Richie: who’s responsible for this

Bill: Me & Mike!!

Bill: Every1 this is my friend Richie!!

Bev Mike’s Friend: hi Richie!!

Ben Mike’s Friend: Hi guys! I want to return to the question of what’s happening right now?

Mike: Eddie accidentally let the cat out through the back door.

Stan: Eddie who?

Richie: nemesis

Stan: Oh. Okay.

Stan: Is that not the door with the “don’t open” sign?

Eddie Mike’s Friend: People make mistakes damit

Mike: He’s drunk.

Mike: And he’s convinced that eight drunk people are going to be able to find the cat without Kay realizing she’s gone, and Bill has decided to enable him.

Patty: I’m not drunk!!

Ben Mike’s Friend: Me either!

Bill: Wait OK Mikey I got this

* * *

185.

Bill’s phone.

Bev Mike’s Friend: Mikey lol

Bill: Everybody sound off real fast. I’m Bill I used 2 date Audra

Bev Mike’s Friend: I’m Bev I used to date kay!! High five Bill!!!!

Ben Mike’s Friend: I’m Ben, I’m married to Bev? 🎉😎

Richie: i’m richie, i work with kay

Patty: I’m Patty!! Audra likes me more than Bill!! 🤣🤣

Stan: Stan Uris. I come attached to Patty.

Bill: Mike?

Mike: Jesus.

Mike: I’m Mike, I’m Bill’s boyfriend.

Bill: Eddie?

Eddie Mike’s Friend: I’m Eddie.

Richie: the cat loser lol

Eddie Mike’s Friend: Middle finger emoji send

Bill: OK great!! Every sober person gets a drunk buddy. Patty & Bev u walk thru the neighborhood bc girls are less creepy. Ben & Stan u take K’s yard & all adjoining yards. Come thru the back door; I will be there 2 give u a bag of treats. Eddie just sit still & try not 2 do any other damage. Richie u make sure k & a are distracted.

Mike: What do I do?

\--

[one-on-one texts with Mike]

Bill: U come to the upstairs bathroom w me 2 have a very important discussion abt the word boyfriend

Mike: Oh, shit.

Mike: I’m sorry!

Mike: I wasn’t thinking.

Bill: No I liked it

Mike: I know we haven’t talked about that.

Mike: Oh!

Bill: A LOT

Bill: Get up here already

* * *

186.

**please welcome to the stage clara tin**

@parrotbinch

oh my god smoking lady and sloane peterson are stumbling out into the street holding hands. this bitch really DOES know how to live

10:01 PM · Oct 31, 2020

**please welcome to the stage clara tin**

@parrotbinch

4 whoever asked i don’t KNOW what smoking lady is dressed as there’s like a vest involved so i think maybe han solo?

10:04 PM · Oct 31, 2020

**please welcome to the stage clara tin**

@parrotbinch

THEY SAW ME AND WAVED AT ME TO COME DOWNSTAIRS AND IM GOING BC THEYRE SEXY BUT IF I GET KIDNAPPED DO NOT GIVE SELENA MY OLD WEBKINZ

10:17 PM · Oct 31, 2020

**please welcome to the stage clara tin**

@parrotbinch

they were asking if i saw a cat + i have not seen the cat but they took my request to play oops i did it again very seriously. also i asked + smoking lady says she’s dressed as brendan fraser in the mummy and her boyfriend is rachel weisz

10:23 PM · Oct 31, 2020

* * *

187.

Richie’s phone.

Chat title: cat losers

Mike: What do I do?

Richie: would like to register that this is bullshit bc i actually own cats

Big Bill: Have the shots u floored as soon as u walked in hit u yet?

Richie: point taken

Richie: i have looked all over the house and i have no idea where audra or kay are

Big Bill: Cope then man I am busy

Richie: i’m gonna vape. try n stop me

\--

Professor Doctor: What I was leaving last night and they were gross and I had to

Richie: like thanks but i think i also hate u for this

Professor Doctor: You can get mold on old dishes very quickly so being a slob is actually risky

Richie: yeah i hate u

Professor Doctor: You’re welcome

October 31, 10:21 PM

Richie: cum 2 backyard

Richie: bring towel

Richie: bring can cat food

Professor Doctor: [typing]

Richie: no questions!!!

* * *

188.

Eddie’s phone.

Eddie: Coming

Richard Tozier: ok be quiet

Richard Tozier: don’t scare her

Eddie: what do

Richard Tozier: set food at edge of steps n walk off porch

Richard Tozier: open it first dingus

Richard Tozier: ok good job

Richard Tozier: now bring me towel

Eddie: Now what

Richard Tozier: patience!! she had a scary day

Richard Tozier: give her a minute

Eddie: Oh cat under porch

Richard Tozier: yes

Eddie: How u know

Richard Tozier: cats love under porches

Richard Tozier: dark, isolated, safe

Richard Tozier: clippy was born under my porch in boston

Eddie: O

Richard Tozier: when i grab her u need to open door

Eddie: K

\--

Things To Work Through At Next RT Meeting

  * ~~According to Bill: “in college my friend Richie got up at 4am and came all the way to queens to scrape me off de a curb when I got my first rejection letter” — dangerous~~
  * ~~“ “ “: Richie still knows how to smoke weed out of an apple — stupid~~
  * ~~Bill was not terrible and he and Mike are going well so now our lives are connected more than they need to be~~
  * ~~Was baby talking to clippy when he was supposed to be grabbing lube — confusing boner~~
  * ~~Likes blond spider girl more than spider robot — stupid~~
  * ~~The word quivering~~
  * ~~Told Don he would grow up to sound like the general from the insurance commercials~~
  * ~~Pretended like he forgot he did service industry English research~~
  * Shoukders in t shirt
  * Hair look soft
  * Was too excited to see friend (Stan??)
  * Knows how to fix cat
  * Touched my hand when I gave towel
  * Smiled at me when cat came out
  * Soft cat voice
  * Eyes?????



* * *

189.

Bill’s phone

Chat title: cat losers

Eddie Mike’s Friend: Found cat send

Patty: Oh that’s great!!

Bev Mike’s Friend: coming back!!

Bill: Coming down

Boyfriend Mike: Do you need help catching her?

Bev: is she back in the laundry room??

Ben Mike’s Friend: Eds?

Patty: Let’s just check the laundry!!

* * *

190.

Bill’s phone.

Chat title: cat losers

Richie: that wasn’t what it looked like

Bev Mike’s Friend: LMAO

Bev Mike’s Friend: sure, it’s the other, non-sexual explanation for Eddie to be sat on the washing machine with his legs wrapped around your waist?? Am I missing the wildest context clues of all time??

Bev Mike’s Friend: just open the door, losers. It’s not a big deal

Eddie Mike’s Friend: That wasn’t sex wr were just kissing

Richie: the cat is still in here if u open that door she might escape

Bill: Sure that’s what’s up

Boyfriend Mike: How long has this been happening?

Bill: Oh I forgot u didn’t know abt this

Eddie Mike’s Friend: Will you guys fucking sotp texting things to both groups of all or ouf friends

Eddie Mike’s Friend: This is not going to be a topic of conversation

Bill: That’s a big ask

Eddie Mike’s Friend: Fuxking no!

Richie: what the fuck was that noise

Ben Mike’s Friend: Britney Spears Oops I Did It Again

Eddie Mike’s Friend: Obvioesly not that!!

Boyfriend Mike: Audra and Kay broke the sink.

Bill: [image: sink basin completely cracked off pedestal and lying on the floor]


	4. Part 2 (posts 191-303)

191.

Richie’s phone. Very early Sunday morning, Nov 1st.

Stan: So, what?

Richie: what do you mean what?

Stan: The thing with Eddie.

Richie: could we not?

Richie: u saw what he said

Stan: I’m not trawling for gossip. I’m asking because I’m your friend and I care about your life.

Stan: I’m not asking for lurid details.

Richie: well, what are u asking for?

Stan: I assume based on what Bill said that this did not start today.

Richie: that’s not a question

Stan: How long has this been happening?

Richie: a couple of months i guess

Richie: since the end of august

Stan: And what is it, exactly?

Richie: it’s complicated

Stan: It must be, considering that you think he is, and I quote, “an asshole.”

Richie: that was my snap judgment, which was wrong, which i know is a foreign concept to u

Stan: You’re not going to get out of this by needling me. That was a judgment you seemed to believe less than two weeks ago.

Richie: he’s different than i thought, okay? there’s more to him than that.

Stan: So you care about him?

Richie: yeah, i think i do.

Stan: Does he care about you?

Richie: oh, fuck off

Stan: It’s just a question!

Richie: i know where ur going with this!

* * *

192.

Richie’s phone.

Stan: So tell me I’m wrong!!! Tell me you’re not getting invested in yet another guy who’s going to walk all over you and never commit because you think that if you ask for better you’ll be alone.

Richie: fuck you, stan

Stan: I’m trying to help!

Richie: i don’t need it! i can make my own fucking choices, all right? and not everything i try to is doomed to failure

Stan: Obviously, you can make your own choices, but I have every right to say that I think this is a bad one!

Richie: cute impression. is that supposed to be my dad or your dad?

Stan: Fuck you

Stan: Is that level of maturity supposed to make me more confident in the decisions you’re making right now?

Richie: i don’t need u to be! they’re my goddamn decisions!

Stan: This is going to blow up in your face and you know it.

Richie: well fuck me if i’m not holding out for a patty to swan into my life and fix all my issues

Stan: This conversation is over.

Richie: what a relief

\--

October 31, 11:17 PM

Professor Doctor: Home safe

Professor Doctor: ?

Richie: yeah, u?

Professor Doctor: Yeah

Professor Doctor: Sorry I had to go

Richie: no i really get it that was way too much all at once

Professor Doctor: Thanks

Professor Doctor: For all of that

November 1, 12:34 AM

Richie: what do we do now, eds

* * *

193.

Richie’s phone. Morning of Sunday, Nov 1.

November 1, 9:04 AM

Professor Doctor: About what

Richie: people knowing, i guess

Professor Doctor: Do we have to do anything about that

Richie: i mean, yeah, i at least have to run damage control with my friends

Professor Doctor: Damage control?

Richie: the optics on me getting dicked down by a guy who ostensibly hates me aren’t great

Professor Doctor: I don’t hate you!

Richie: i know that, but it’s news to them

Richie: and surely ur friends will also want some answers

Professor Doctor: I guess I mean I think we don’t have to lie to them about our thing but we also don’t have to tell them every little detail right

Richie: sure, there’s a pretty broad middle ground there

Professor Doctor: What do you want to do

Richie: i don’t want to break it off just because of this

Professor Doctor: Me either

Professor Doctor: But other people knowing doesn’t have to make it different does it

Richie: of course not

Richie: nothing between us has to change

Richie: it’s nobody else’s business, right?

Professor Doctor: Right

\--

Chat title: cat losers

November 1, 10:15 AM

Richie: hi everyone. i’m here to update you on the thing you saw last night. after carefully weighing several factors, the council has decided that discussion of the topic is banned from all further proceedings. any violations of this guideline will result in prompt removal of the users in question from the group chat. there will be no information released at this time. thanks for your continued participation. if you have any questions, we suggest you shove them up your ass.

Richie: don’t be a dick. also, remember to vote on tuesday.

* * *

194.

Eddie’s phone, Sunday.

Bev: you are absolutely not getting out of any of this that easily!!!

Eddie: I would like to

Bev: should I be worried you didn’t tell me or am I allowed to be proud of you for this power move?

Eddie: You should be nothing! Nobody knew because it wasn’t a big deal

Bev: Bill knew!!!

Eddie: No he guessed because of the book launch

Bev: WHAT HAPPENED THERE?!?

Eddie: Take a wild stab

Bev: what’d you do, steal a room key??

Eddie: Bathroom

Bev: Eds, you are a scoundrel and a horndog, and I have a lot of respect for you haha

Bev: also what does Ben know that I don’t?? Why won’t he tell me?!

Bev: I’m trying to wrestle it out of him but he’s too big lol

Eddie: Because Ben is a nice person

Bev: if you don’t give me a thing to live vicariously through RIGHT NOW

Eddie: Fine Ben can tell you

Bev: your office?!?

Eddie: I felt some regret about that

\--

Mike: Glad you’re getting back out there, man.

Eddie: I was back out there I had grinder

Mike: Sure, but that’s not dating. Richie seems fun :) Even if office romance is kind of a powder keg.

Eddie: I am not dating Richie

Eddie: I am not dating anyone period you know this

Mike: I know you said that a year ago after an ugly breakup. People say that sometimes.

Eddie: Well I meant it

Mike: So what are you two doing, exactly?

Eddie: Casual sex exclamation point

Mike: How casual can it be if you see him constantly?

Eddie: We’re adults who can compartmentalize

Mike: Maybe you shouldn’t! It’s been a while since your last relationship; you might be ready for one again.

Eddie: I am not in a relationship with him

Mike: I’m just saying it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if you were.

Eddie: Yes it would

Eddie: Jesus Mike you of all people should know that

* * *

195.

Bill’s phone. Sunday.

Boyfriend Mike: How’s your morning?

Bill: I am a booger scraped onto the side of a trashcan by a 2nd grader

Boyfriend Mike: Do you want to get breakfast?

Bill: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

November 1, 11:48 AM

Bill: Thx for saving my sorry ass

Bill: By which I mean buying me eggs

Boyfriend Mike: You’re welcome :)

November 1, 12:36 PM

Bill: Actually, do you wanna take Shelley on a walk with me?

Boyfriend Mike: I would love to.

November 1, 2:59 PM

Bill: R u still sitting in the parking lot 2

Boyfriend Mike: Yes XD

Bill: We should save time driving & just agree 2 hang out all day

Boyfriend Mike: Sounds good.

Boyfriend Mike: I can make pasta.

Bill: Big fan of that plan

Bill: Do u wanna take a nap before dinner

Boyfriend Mike: Yes!

\--

November 1, 12:53 PM

Richie: does it make me a complete fucking idiot if i’m actually into eddie?

Bill: HA-HA

Bill: Victory

Richie: be a 15% more serious than that, please

Bill: No it doesn’t make u an idiot

Bill: It makes perfect sense

Bill: I’d love 4 u 2 b a couple bc I need someone 2 talk 2 abt basketball

Richie: that’s disgusting.

Richie: why are short guys always so into basketball?

Bill: Why r straight women always into RuPaul’s drag race?

Richie: fair enough

Bill: This is so narratively compelling. I fell in love w my worst enemy

Richie: who said love?? because it definitely wasn’t me!

Bill: Not yet

Richie: reel it back in, big guy

Bill: But things have changed?

Richie: i think they are changing.

* * *

196.

Eddie’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

[Image of browser tabs]

2:49 PM

X Can You Have Casual Sex Without Feelings? 9 Ways T…

X The 7 Unspoken Rules of Casual Sex | GQ

X How to Keep a Relationship Open and Casual - “What…

X Rules for Casual Sex and How to Make It Work - AskMen

X A Guide To Casual Sex - Rules & How Not To Get Hurt

X How To Maintain a Casual Relationship - Paging Dr. Ne…

\--

[Google docs]

3:17 PM

**DAMAGE CONTROL**

**Introduction**

“Boundaries...don’t mean you don’t care about the person” (Esquire, 2017)

“The sex—even if it’s mind-blowing—is just sex” (DMARGE.com, 2020)

“Even the best casual sex doesn’t last forever...accept that a hookup is...destined to end from the moment it starts” (DMARGE.com, 2020)

**Table of Contents**

  1. Guidelines
    1. No romance
    2. No emotional talks
    3. Communication???
    4. Less exposure
  2. Damage done
    1. Friends
    2. Work
  3. These are written by and/or for idiots
  4. DEFCON 0



**Guidelines**

_ No romance _

  * No dates, **no spending the night,** no cutesy text messages (Bustle, 2015)
  * “Don’t suggest hangs” (ugh) “that can be easily misconstrued as a date” (GQ, 2019)
  * “Don’t lead a hookup on by:...agreeing to meet their family, spending holidays together, communicating too often or in an overly personal way, engaging in romantic activities or talk, or getting too affectionate and cuddly...don’t do anything that could be construed as boyfriendy.” (DMARGE.com, 2020)
  * “You want to _avoid_ romance” (Dr. Nerdlove, 2014)



_ No emotional talks _

  * M or S
    * “Always operate under the assumption that you two will be headed back to your place” (GQ, 2019) - NO
    * “Keep it light” - no heavy topics, including the obvious (GQ, 2019)
    * “keep the conversation light as well. More personal intimacy tends to imply greater interest in emotional commitment” (Dr. Nerdlove, 2014)
    * “Think of it as though you were having a conversation during a night out with your friends….Personal topics aren’t _forbidden_ ” (Dr. Nerdlove, 2014)



_ Communication???  _

  * **Surely “are u asking if i think we should fuck on a regular basis” (Tozier, 2020) counts**



  * “Be clear with your partners” (Bustle, 2015)
  * “Establish some boundaries, especially if you ever see each other outside of the bedroom” (GQ, 2019)
  * “A lot of communication is done with broad strokes and surface-level emotions, rather than long, sit-down, emotional conversations” (GQ, 2019) - thank god
  * “saying, ‘I said I wasn’t looking for anything serious’...would be fine if your actions didn’t indicate otherwise, thus prompting the question in the first place” (Esquire, 2017) - he hasn’t asked so we’re fine
  * “better to be direct and honest” (AskMen.com, 2020) - “God you’re blunt” (Marsh, 2020)
  * “Define what it is you’re doing” (AskMen.com, 2020) - we did this in september
  * “Establish mutually agreed upon ground rules about things like protection protocol, how often you’ll see each other, what kind of activities you’ll engage in...whether your assignations are a secret, and what happens if feelings change” (DMARGE.com, 2020) - check, kind of check, check, not anymore, and that only matters if his do



* * *

197.

Eddie’s phone. Sunday afternoon.

November 1, 3:22 PM

Eddie: Do you think I have a tendency to get attached

Bev: what? Lol

Eddie: Like to people do I get too attached to them

Bev: I think you stay remarkably detached??

Bev: you kind of have two settings and they’re either “sex so casual I don’t remember your last name” and “long-term, committed, emotionally dead relationship” haha

Eddie: Thanks so much Beverly

Bev:😘

\--

[Google docs]

  * “Your behaviour should back up what you say” (DMARGE.com, 2020)
  * “It’s important to establish from the outset that this is a casual arrangement” (Dr. Nerdlove, 2014)



_ Less exposure _

  * Twice a month (Bustle, 2015)
  * “Don’t linger...then you’re friends who are regularly sleeping together” (GQ, 2019) - are we friends?? Shit
  * “Don’t lead a hookup on by: knocking boots on multiple nights in a week” (DMARGE,con, 2020)
  * “More than once or twice a week and you start to veer into ‘actual relationship’ territory” (Dr. Nerdlove, 2014)
    * These seem low



**Damage done**

_ Friends _

  * “consider...not sleeping with people in your friend group” (Bustle, 2015) - little late for this
  * “No friend-mixing, and no PDA” (Esquire, 2017) - a little late for half of this
  * “Bringing her into your social circle is a sign that you expect this relationship to get at least slightly more serious” (Dr. Nerdlove, 2014) - IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!



_ Work _

  * _“Choose Your Target” (ugh) “Wisely”; “someone you work with carries major risks” (DMARGE.com, 2020)_



  * “consider limiting communication outside of seeing each other in person as well” (Dr. Nerdlove, 2014) - we work together



**These are written by and/or for idiots**

  * “Let it lead where it leads” (Bustle, 2015) - obviously not an option
  * “Ask a trusted friend to remind you of your tendencies” (Bustle, 2015) - Who says I tend to get attached?? Who is this article for??
  * “Try [doing] everything but sex” (Bustle, 2015) - absolutely not
  * “Honor Whatever You Truly Feel” (Bustle, 2015) - I mostly feel anxious that’s not helpful
  * “Be cool, put in a moderate amount of effort, and have fun” (GQ, 2019) - what the fuck
  * Define what ‘nothing serious’ means to you” (Esquire, 2017) - is this a trick question? It means he’s not my boyfriend
  * “Pay attention” (AskMen.com, 2020) - who isn’t paying attention to sex when they have it I think about it all the time
  * “Use lube” (AskMen.com, 2020) - this article was written for idiots
  * “‘Calm down, I’m not a boyfriend type but you’re cool so we’ll hang out.” (DMARGE.com, 2020) - article definitely also written for idiots
  * “A lot of girls are subconsciously attracted to emotionally unavailable men” (DMARGE.com, 2020) - this article was definitely written by and for idiots



**DEFCON 0: it has to be over.**

_ (Not unless he says something.) _

  * Don’t have casual sex if it’s not right for you (Bustle, 2015)
  * “If you do find feelings unexpectedly rearing their complicating heads….Be honest about it and reconsider or restructure the arrangement” (DMARGE.com, 2020)
  * “A casual sexual relationship can end up being the basis for an incredible and intimate friendship” (Dr. Nerdlove, 2014) - this makes me want to take out my brain and burn it??



* * *

198.

Stan’s phone, Monday morning.

Patty (❤️): [cut off]

Patty (❤️): Are you a little drunk 😂😂

Stan: Maybe.

Patty (❤️): We should introduce them right now!!

Stan: Babylove, Richie is wearing cat ears.

Patty (❤️): Yeah and they’re cute!! 😻😻

November 2, 10:48 AM

Patty (❤️): I didn’t even have to ask!!

Stan: Oh?

Patty (❤️): Yeah, he came up to me in between classes and said “hell of a party, huh?”

Stan: That must be the Tahir version of screaming.

Patty (❤️): He’s like if the scent of lemongrass were a person.

Stan: That’s exactly it.

Stan: Did he go into any detail?

Patty (❤️): We just talked about the sink thing!!

Stan: What, is that the most exciting topic this campus has to offer?

Patty (❤️): Honey.

Patty (❤️): Obviously it is.

Stan: Yeah, okay.

Stan: I don’t want to experience that amount of theatrics on a single night ever again. I still feel hungover.

Patty (❤️): You don’t exactly thrive under pressure. 💗💓💝💖💕!!

Stan: No, I’m aware.

Patty (❤️): I can’t decide if things would have turned out better or worse if we actually managed to introduce him to Richie.

Stan: Honestly? I don’t think it would have mattered. Richie seems pretty determined to crash into that specific brick wall.

Patty (❤️): Is he still mad at you??

Stan: I think I’m still mad at him.

Patty (❤️): Don’t you think you’re being a little unfair??

Stan: I don’t want him to get hurt.

Patty (❤️): Give it a chance, though!! You’ve said your piece; it didn’t change anything; you might as well buckle in for the ride.

Stan: I already gave it a chance. I convinced myself that Connor wasn’t terrible, and look how that turned out.

Patty (❤️): 😬😬

Patty (❤️): Maybe if you learn to handle theatrics now, you’ll be prepared for when Stella hits high school??

Stan: Oh g-d.

* * *




Bev’s phone, Tuesday evening. 

Chat title: 4X TRIVIA CHAMPS

Mike: [cut off] that idea.

Husband: Me either!

Eds: I shouldn’t

Bev: this is more about “need to” than “should” lol

Mike: That’s a very anxious “lol.”

Bev: it sure is!

Eds: I have work to do but you guys have fun

Bev: you absolutely will not be able to focus on that work.

Eds: I can try!

Mike: Optimism is Ben’s thing.

Husband: Thanks Mike!!! But even I think Eddie needs to come with.

Bev: you can anxiously flip channels at home alone or you can do it at the falcon with us. Tonight is a night for moral support!!

Eds: I don’t need moral support

Bev: that’s great but I do lmao

\--

Chat title: cat losers

Bev: hi new friends!

Bev: we will be at the falcon on canal street in an hour to stress out over election coverage together. We would love to have you join us!!

Bev: unless you’re a republican lol

Stan: Sorry, can’t, kids aren’t old enough to be home alone at night.

Husband: I hope Stella and Esther are doing well! 🌟🌟

Stan: They are, thank you.

Patty: And thanks for the invite!!

Bill: Fuck yea c u there

Richie: i’m a maybe

Bev: Eddie will be there 😏

Richie: 🖕

Richie: shit, sorry, i forgot that that’s actually rude

Bev: 🖕🖕🏻🖕🏼🖕🏽🖕🏾🖕🏿

Bev: ahahahahaha

* * *

200.

**deputy so n so’s zoloft prescription**

@emisback

In theory tozier cancelling class so we had more time to vote was very cool. In practice it gave me 3 extra hours to build my anxiety reserves

6:21 PM · Nov 3, 2020

\--

**Bets**

@scullysdoormat

this is the love of my life

[image of text messages]

Incoming: you mailed our ballots, right?

Outgoing: oops haha just realized i forgot

Incoming: i know you’re joking, but i WILL throw away the strap.

Incoming: don’t test me

8:12 PM · Nov 3, 2020

\--

**depressed hitman/actor** **♢**

@harleyquinky

take a shot every time the existence of florida stresses u out. take a tums every time u have to tell urself that exit polls are fundamentally limited. my ulcers have ulcers

9:50 PM · Nov 3, 2020

\--

**riversss**

@riversss11

THE BOTTLE POP HEARD ROUND THE WORLD!!SICKO MODE!!FUCK MY CLASSES FOR THE REST OF THE _MONTH_!!!!DOES ANYONE HAVE FIREWORKS???!DOES ANYONE WANT TO GET MARRIED???????MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IS 362-0

11:04 PM · Nov 3, 2020

* * *

201.

Eddie’s phone, Tuesday night.

[Google docs]

  * Knows how to fix cat
  * Touched my hand when I gave towel
  * Smiled at me when cat came out
  * Soft cat voice
  * Eyes?????
  * Didn’t get mad when I left right away
  * Can still feel his shoulders on the underside of my arms on Sun morning
  * Think he may have compared me to koala bear
  * “I don’t hate you” “i know that” - what does this mean
  * Winked at me during business hours - inappropriate, probably
  * Winked when he saw me at falcon? Knew I would be there and still went?
  * Gets along with my friends even thogh Internet says we’re not supposed to have the same ones
    * Maybe ok as long as we aren’t touchy and don’t sit on the same side of the table??
    * Bumping knees under table ok probably
  * Makes suggestive jokes about all of his friends apaprently
  * Show off about facts about electoral college



\--

Eddie: Sorry I didn’t realize hood be here

Eddie: You’d

Richard Tozier: oof, that’s cold, kaspbrak

Eddie: I didn’t mean it like that

Richard Tozier: i know. finish ordering your twunk beverage and get back here

November 3, 11:02 PM

Richard Tozier: wyd

Eddie: They called it while you were taking a shit

Richard Tozier: jinx! u owe me head

Eddie: You texted me three letters that’s so lazy

Richard Tozier: oh my god

Richard Tozier: keep ur practical but sexy boxer briefs on

Richard Tozier: for now

Richard Tozier: [Image of an evite]

Eddie: That took ducking forever

Richard Tozier: i had to make an account

Eddie: Meet me at my car in 5

\--   
[Image of a red, white, and blue evite]

Please join us for

A Victory Boinkfest

November 3, 2020

11PM-???AM

Casa de Tozier

Dress Down,

Get Down

* * *

202.

Bill’s phone, Tuesday night and Wednesday morning.

Ben: champagne emojis

Patty: [cut off] 🍾

Bill: Has any1 seen Richie

Bill: Tell him if I don’t find him in 5 he’s getting an uber home

Bev: oh I assumed he left with Eddie

Bill: OH hahahahahaha

Richie: 👉👌🍆👅💦💪🦶

Boyfriend Mike: That feels authentic :P

Bev: why is there a foot lol

\--

Bill: Cool turtleneck, Steve Jobs

Richie: i did not have a choice

Bill: Don’t tell me. U got a barbed wire necklace tattoo.

Bill: Vampire bite.

Richie: warmer.

Bill: Ahahahaha Eddie?

Richie: no, the other roided-out little gremlin-after-midnight i’m involved with

Bill: Who r u, Dickinson? Hyphens are a seasoning not a side dish

Richie: I hate u

Bill: Which 1 of u would u say is feeling the bern more this AM?

Richie: 🖕🖕🖕

Richie: we broke my bedside lamp.

Bill: Oh my god

Richie: almost didn’t get to the bedroom in the first place. it was a passion born of intense relief

Bill: I h8 ur phrasing but there was definitely something in the air last nite

Richie: did u and mike…

Bill: No, but I wanted 2 climb him like a tree

Richie: u should do that

Bill: I didn’t in K’s bathroom bc I thought it would be 2 skeevy but now I’m kicking myself abt that. 

Bill: What if I never c his dick, Richie??

Richie: u have time!

Bill: What if that was my 1 sec of bravery & now I’m gonna go back 2 being a coward forever!?

Richie: that’s stupid. ur the bravest person i know

Richie: i’m aware that that’s the wrong level of sincerity for this talk

Bill: No, I liked it & I appreciate ur friendship

* * *

203.

Bill’s phone, Wednesday night.

Bill: Where r u starting?

Boyfriend Mike: Early!

Bill: Attic room??

Boyfriend Mike: Master of Rituals.

Bill: Oh no, that 1 was really sexist 😰

Bill: I won’t stop u but just know I’m very sry abt Peggy

Boyfriend Mike: You should also be sorry for what you did to these poor hiking lesbians in chapter 1.

Bill: Yeah that 2!

November 4, 8:21 PM

Boyfriend Mike: Bill, this is terrifying.

Bill: Thank u?

Boyfriend Mike: I am going to have nightmares about the thing with the tent. Are all of your books like this?

Bill: I went 4 the ick factor a lot more in my youth, but all of my books have been described as disturbing by at least 1 major reviewer. Sorry 😖

Boyfriend Mike: No, it’s really good, I just don’t trust my kitchen door anymore. My arm hair is permanently standing up. I’m ruined D:

Bill: Maybe I should come over to protect u.

Boyfriend Mike: Maybe you should.

Bill: Maybe I will

Boyfriend Mike: This is a thinly veiled excuse to spend the night, right?

Bill: Yes please

Bill: If u wanted, I mean

Boyfriend Mike: Oh, I want you

Boyfriend Mike: I mean I want that.

Bill: OK

Bill: Great

Bill: I’m going 2 get in my car then

Boyfriend Mike: Drive fast.

* * *

204.

Mike’s phone, Thursday morning.

November 5, 7:08 AM

Bill: Where the hell do u get ur bread?? It’s so good

Mike: The Amish ladies at the farmer’s market :)

Bill: I bet they love u. U have the best manners.

Mike: We get along! They gave me a free cookie last time.

Bill: Charmer.

Mike: How mad is Shelley about being crated all night?

Bill: She’s fine! She says hi

Bill: [Image of a light-colored golden retriever frolicking in some grass]

Mike: Next time I’ll just have to come to yours. Or you could bring her to my house, actually.

Bill: Mike, sweetheart, u leave mugs everywhere. U r not prepared 4 the tail.

Mike: First of all, the mug problem isn’t that bad.

Bill: 2nd of all?

Mike: I forget. Call me sweetheart again.

\--

Ben: Still good for lunch? 🍎🥪

Mike: Yes! :)

Mike: Wait, shit, I forgot to pack mine this morning.

Ben: Oh that’s fine!! I was hoping we’d have an excuse to just go to Dimo’s.

Mike: Sounds good to me!

Ben: Can’t believe I’m not the one who forgot this time. I’d like to thank the academy, god, my mom….

Mike: Thank Bill for sleeping over and distracting me.

Ben: HE WHAT! 🎉🎊🎆🎉🎊🎆🍾[cut off]

\--

12:29 PM

Incoming call from: Ma

* * *

205.

Mike’s. Thursday.

Subject: Notification of leave

Michael Hanlon < [ mhanlon@derry.edu ](mailto:mhanlon@derry.edu) >

to Dorothy  ˅

Nov 5, 2020, 12:59 PM

Hi Dee,

I’ll be unable to come in to work this afternoon or tomorrow due to a family emergency. I will have my cellphone on me, but I won’t be checking my email. We may need to discuss more long-term plans for my absence, but I just can’t do that today; I’m sorry.

Mike Hanlon

Assistant Professor/Research & Instructional Services Librarian

Derry University

211 Gray Library

Box 920933

Derry, ME 04402

(207) 555-5893

[ mhanlon@derry.edu ](mailto:mhanlon@derry.edu)

Dorothy Ramos

to me  ˅

11:14 PM (27 minutes ago)

Mike,

I completely understand. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.

Dee

Dorothy Ramos

Director of Branch Library Services

Gray Library [cuts off]

* * *

206.

Bev’s phone, Thursday.

Chat title: B&B

Husband: Hey guys. Mike’s mom called while we were at lunch. Will is declining pretty fast. Mike is on his way there right now.

Eds: Shit.

Bev: how did he seem?

Husband: Tired, but ok. I think he was expecting this soon.

Eds: What do we what do we do

Bev: that’s what I was going to say.

Eds: Ben?

Husband: I don’t know! Wait? I don’t know what it’s like to have a dead parent!

Husband: Oh, no. That was a horrible thing to say. I’m sorry ☹️☹️

Bev: I didn’t mind

Eds: Don’t worry about it

Bev: honey, it’s because you’re an incredibly considerate person, and also because your good parent experience outweighs me and Eddie’s dead parent experience. So we trust your judgment

Eds: I hate that but I agree

Husband: Ok. Um, Bev and I can make some food and freeze it. Eds, you have his spare key?

Eds: Yeah

Husband: You could go pick up, make sure he doesn’t have any dirty dishes or stuff that’ll expire.

Bev: anything else?

Husband: Be ready to drive down when it does happen, I guess.

Bev: poor Mike.

Eds: Yeah.

* * *

207.

Mike’s phone, Friday.

Mike: Maybe not having sex was the only thing holding me together D:

Ben: Worth it, though 🌝🌚

Mike: Yeah.

Ben: Want to walk together? I can meet you outside Gray?

Mike: See you then!

November 6, 1:23 PM

Ben: Hey, Mike. I love you and I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Eddie, Bev and I will be there as soon as we can get off campus. He was such a wonderful person, and he was so proud of you, and you’ve been incredibly strong taking care of your parents this year. I’ll see you soon. I love you ❤️❤️

\--

Bev: [cut off] tight the serging is on the back of the seams!

Mike: Will she know what serging is?

Bev: I guarantee it lol

Mike: Awesome, thank you :)

November 6, 1:32 PM

Bev: Mike, my perfect man, the best and most deserving guy I know, I’m so sorry. I love you and I wish you got more time with him. I’ll be there soon. Let me know if there’s any specific stuff you want from your house, otherwise I’ll just bring a bag of what looks comfy. Tell us to fuck off whenever you need to, but otherwise we’re gonna be there. Hugs from a distance for now  💗💞💕

\--

Eddie: [cut off] I thought you believed in aliens

Mike: I believe that in an infinite universe it wouldn’t make sense for us to be alone. I don’t believe in aliens coming to earth just to set rocks up in weird patterns

Eddie: Because you have a brain

Mike: Unlike the history channel writers.

Eddie: Next episode?

Mike: Obviously yes.

November 6, 1:40 PM

Eddie: Hey man. I’m not going to pretend that words are very helpful in this situation, but I want to say that your dad was the best man I ever met. I’ll see you soon.

\--

Bill: [cut off] me baby

Mike: Was that okay?

Bill: My heart fell out of my butt. Yeah it was okay

Mike: 0:)

November 6, 2:01 PM

Bill: Ben told me what happened. I’m so sorry. I know it’s not easier when you see it coming, but I’m really glad you got to talk to him 1 last time. I’m thinking about your family, & I never got to meet him but I think you’re pretty conclusive proof he was an exceptional person.

Bill: If you want to talk abt it, or if you don’t, I don’t know. I want to be there for u in any way I can. ❤️

* * *

208.

Obituaries | Castle Rock Daily

Back to Top

William Hanlon

Beloved husband and father William Hanlon, 71, died Nov. 6, 2020, at his home, surrounded by friends and family. Visitation will be held from 6-8 p.m. on Thursday, Nov. 12, at Hallorann Funeral Home, and a memorial service will be held at 2 p.m. on Friday, Nov. 13th at Grace Baptist Church.

Mr. Hanlon was born January 16th, 1949, in Castle Rock, Maine, to Leroy and Angelica Hanlon. He grew to become known for his generosity and courage; at the age of nineteen, he risked life and limb to brave the Pine Acres apartment fire and save the life of four-year-old Monica Dubois.

For more than forty years, William ran Hanlon Farms. He was passionate about opportunities for those who had been through the criminal justice system, hiring and subsidizing college courses for dozens of men and women who had served prison time. William was also an elder at Grace Baptist Church, where he is remembered as a kind and attentive leader. He was also an avid historian and singer.

William is survived by his wife of forty-five years, Jessica, son Michael, sisters Elizabeth and May, brother Zachary, and a great number of other family members and friends.

Donations may be sent to the Fair Elections Center or to Grace Baptist Church.

* * *

209.

Mike, Saturday.

[Image of a yellow legal pad with handwritten notes]

DAD

  * 5-10 minutes -- anecdotes? Bible verses?
  * shit
  * SHIT
  * I wish he were here to tell me how to do this



\--

November 7, 3:35 PM

Mike: Can we talk?

* * *

210.

Mike’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Bill: Of course, yeah. Anything.

Mike: I’m going to be very honest with you, and then I’m going to ask for your help with something, but I have to do it in that order.

Bill: OK?

Mike: This is going to sound really intense, so please don’t freak out, but it’s genuinely the best I can do right now.

Bill: OK.

Mike: I care about you. A lot. But I can’t be anything to you right now. I’ve had a stress migraine for two days, I’m not sure I’m a real person, and I don’t know when I’m going to stop feeling like this. My mom’s in her seventies too, so she needs a lot of help to move and sell the farm which sounds like a euphemism but isn’t, so I’m going to stay in Castle Rock for the rest of the semester and work from home, which is going to take up any extra attention I have. So I won’t be able to see you, really, and I’m going to be an emotional black hole that only thinks about how sad I am. I sort of want to pummel everyone, including you, who feels any better.

Mike: I know I’m already a lot, even without all of this and we’ve technically only been together for a week, so just know I don’t expect you to drive out here and prop me up like in Weekend at Bernie’s. I can’t be anything to you right now; I just don’t have it in me. But I care about you and I hope you’re still there when I come out of the other side of this.

Mike: If you want to be.

Mike: I thought you should hear that whole tangle of things before I asked you for a favor.

Bill: I don’t know where to start w that.

Mike: Start anywhere. End anywhere. I sound crazy.

Bill: U don’t, and I care about you, too. I hope that’s obvious.

Bill: And it’s not b/c you’re anything to me. I just do.

* * *

211.

Mike’s phone.

Mike: You don’t understand. I’m going to be completely dead weight.

Mike: I did think about the pun as I typed it but I’m too tired to phrase it another way.

Bill: Mike, I don’t give a shit.

Bill: If ur at the bottom of the ocean, I want to be there w/ you.

Bill: If you need to put the romantic part of the relationship on hold, I can wait, I want 2, but I don’t only want to be around u when ur sweeping me off my feet.

Mike: You say that now.

Bill: How do you feel right now?

Mike: Like I got hit by a truck. People say you feel numb but I’m feeling it all at once.

Bill: Yeah, I want to be there for that 2.

Bill: What can I help with? What were u going to ask?

Mike: I’m trying to write a eulogy.

Bill: Sure. Can I come see u?

Mike: You really want to?

Bill: I do.

Mike: Then yes. Please.

Bill: That’s a relief bc I’m already on my way haha

* * *

212.

Richie’s phone, Saturday night.

Professor Doctor: Can I come over

Richie: sure, of course

Professor Doctor: Just left Castle Rock be there in 90 mins

Richie: how’s mike?

Professor Doctor: How the fuck do you think

Richie: okay

Professor Doctor: He and his mom both keep forgetting

Professor Doctor: You know just for a minute. This alarm went off on her phone and she got up to get his medication and then remembered

Richie: that sucks.

Professor Doctor: Yeah it really sucks.

Professor Doctor: I didn’t know what to do at all

Professor Doctor: I’m not good with death

Professor Doctor: You don’t need to hear about this

Richie: no, it’s okay. that’s what i’m here for

Professor Doctor: No I really don’t want to talk about it

Richie: are u under the impression that there are people who are GOOD with death?

Professor Doctor: Funeral directors

Richie: fair point

Professor Doctor: Morticians, gravediggers, nursing home aides, serial killers, bereavement counselors

Richie: all right, trivial pursuit.

Richie: actually, i’m at bill’s watching his dog.

Professor Doctor: Oh okay never mind

Richie: just come over here, i’ll send u his address

Professor Doctor: He won’t mind?

Richie: no, why would he?

Professor Doctor: I don’t know

Professor Doctor: I’ll be there soon

\--

Big Bill: Yea I’ll be back 2moro nite

November 7, 5:22 PM

Richie: invited a boy over, hope that’s ok

Big Bill: Seriously, Richie?

Richie: no jesus it’s just eddie

Big Bill: Oh, ok

Big Bill: Don’t have sex in my bed.

Richie: i really don’t think it’s that kind of day.

Richie: like, he kissed me, but now i’m pretty sure he’s crying on ur dog.

Big Bill: I understand his headspace.

* * *

213.

Eddie’s phone, Sunday morning.

[Google docs]

    * “Don’t lead a hookup on by:...agreeing to meet their family, spending holidays together, communicating too often or in an overly personal way, engaging in romantic activities or talk, or getting too affectionate and cuddly...don’t do anything that could be construed as boyfriendy.” (DMARGE.com, 2020)
    * “You want to _avoid_ romance” (Dr. Nerdlove, 2014)



  * **Stop kissing him if you’re not going to have sex with him afterward. Probably stupid to meet somewhere you can’t in the first place**



_ No emotional talks _

    * M or S
      * “Always operate under the assumption that you two will be headed back to your place” (GQ, 2019) - NO
      * “Keep it light” - no heavy topics, including the obvious (GQ, 2019)



  * **Stop trying to talk to him about Sonia you useless fucking idiot**



  * **Go back to therapy**


  * He did not sign up for that



    * “keep the conversation light as well. More personal intimacy tends to imply greater interest in emotional commitment” (Dr. Nerdlove, 2014)
    * “Think of it as though you were [cut off]



\--

November 8, 6:36 AM

Richard Tozier: u get abducted or something?

November 8, 7:55 AM

Eddie: Left around one

Richard Tozier: full witching hour?!

Eddie: You could have woken me up earlier

Richard Tozier: u were spooning a golden retriever, man. that’d be like waking up a dormouse sleeping inside of a buttercup.

Eddie: You are so fucking weird

Richard Tozier: it was cute!

Eddie: Jesus

Eddie: Well you didn’t have to do that

Richard Tozier: do what?

Eddie: Babysit me when I come over and immediately fall asleep on the couch

Richard Tozier: well u clearly needed the nap

Eddie: Just it’s just you didn’t get a lot out of that interaction

Richard Tozier: says who?

Eddie: You fell asleep in an armchair man I know that’s not how you wanted to spend your Saturday

Eddie: Also it couldn’t be good for your back you’re thirty five

Richard Tozier: pot, kettle. why didn’t u wake ME up when u left?

Eddie: Well I don’t know

Eddie: I just didn’t

Richard Tozier: do u want to talk about it?

Eddie: What talk about what

Richard Tozier: “it just reminds me of-“ [recording unintelligible due to subject speaking directly into a dog’s fur]

Eddie: No period send

Eddie: I put the blanket back into that trunk I assumed that’s where it came from

* * *

214.

Jessica Hanlon’s phone, Sunday morning.

Monica 💐💛: Good night, Ms. J. I’ll see you tomorrow. It was an honor to be by your side today.

Jessica: He was peaceful at the end….I’m glad we were all there... 💗💓

Monica 💐💛: He had a wonderful life.

Monica 💐💛: I’ll miss him.

Jessica: Oh so will I... 💕💖

November 8, 9:48 AM

Monica 💐💛: How are you doing today, Ms J? I talked to Ronnie at the early service and she said to give you her love.

Jessica: Thank you for asking honey….I’m doing a little better  💓

Monica 💐💛: Well, that’s good ❤️ How is Mike?

Jessica: He’s still quiet...he always thought nothing could touch will, ever since he was a little boy….that was his superhero 💔

Monica 💐💛: He certainly was. Mine, too.

Jessica: That writer of his got here after you left yesterday...I think that helps things  💗💖

Monica 💐💛: Oh? And what do we think of the writer? 🕵️‍♀️

Jessica: I can’t see that emoji…. 💕💞

Monica 💐💛: It’s a detective!

Jessica: Oh, very cute…. 💝

Jessica: Well when he got here yesterday they just stood on that porch holding each other for about a whole minute…..he seems sweet  💘💗

Jessica: Michael’s leaning on him….. 💝💗

Monica 💐💛: Stoic little Mikey Hanlon?

Jessica: Mhm….. 💓

Monica 💐💛: Well, I’m truly glad to hear it. ❤️

Monica 💐💛: I’ll see them both myself today, anyway! I’ll be there with lunch in an hour or so.

Jessica: Oh yes, the boys say they will be working on the lawn this afternoon….I’ll be glad to see you honey  💝 🐝

* * *

215.

Bill’s phone. Sunday night.

November 8, 6:50 PM

Mike: Drive safe.

Bill: Promise I will!

Mike: Don’t text and drive.

Bill: U texted me 1st!

Mike: Well.

November 8, 7:39 PM

Bill: U know sometimes ur friendship w Eddie confuses me & other times it makes perfect sense

Bill: B4 u say anything, I’m parked at a gas station

Mike: Eddie says to say “fuck you.”

Bill: U read that 2 him???

Mike: I did.

Bill: I can’t be antagonizing ur friends!!!

Bill: Not yet!!!

Mike: Well, you won my mom over.

Bill: I did?

Mike: She tweaked my ear when I closed the door behind you.

Bill: Mom language.

Mike: I’ll miss you.

Bill: I’ll miss u too.

\--

Bill: I just feel terrible leaving him right now.

Stan: Well, first of all, he might like to be alone for a while.

Stan: And second, how many people did you meet this weekend?

Bill: A billion, give or take

Stan: So you’re not the only person looking out for him. Right?

Bill: Right.

Stan: You’re welcome.

Bill: I didn’t say thank u?

Stan: You didn’t have to.

* * *

216.

Eddie’s phone. Tuesday night.

Richard Tozier: whatcha up to

Eddie: Busy.

Richard Tozier: [Image: a meme of a puppy with the text: THAT’S RUFF!]

Richard Tozier: u doing ok?

Eddie: I’m fine

Eddie: Just have so much to fucking catch up on I wasted a lot of time this weekend

Richard Tozier: wasted?

Eddie: I didn’t mean it like that

Richard Tozier: i know

Eddie: I swear I wasn’t thinking I was just staring at all this text and it’s stressing me out

Richard Tozier: i mean, given the weekend u had, i think ur allowed to actually stop working at five pm for once. it might even be healthy, if ur really open-minded

Eddie: No this is the shit I usually get done on Saturdays so I’m already behind so I really can’t and it’s not my deadlines it’s Journal of American psych which I’ve been late to before and it’s going to take forever to go through this fucking study which I can tell isn’t up to par as soon as I look at it but now I have to write this stupid report explaining exactly why the methodology is fucking swiss cheese because apparently I am the only person in the world with two fucking brain cells to rub together Jesus Christ send

Richard Tozier: dude

Eddie: Sorry

Richard Tozier: u never have to apologize to me haha

Richard Tozier: although there’s probably a custodian in the hallway u just scared half to death. u could apolotize to them

* * *

217.

Betty’s phone, Wednesday lab meeting.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Kool Aid: [cut off] December 12 as “D-Day” on my calendar.

Bets: it’s just a conference presentation dude

Donathan: You’re gonna do great, Ade.

Kool Aid: Im just glad well all be there together. Thats all for sentimental Adrian for today

November 11, 12:59 PM

Bets: ok this meeting topic was lowkey a good idea

Donathan: I agree! Even the undergrads who aren’t interested in medical school were excited for doctor Q&A.

Bets: BUT how are they so enthused. it’s november. my whole epidermis is dead

Donathan: I feel you.

Kool Aid: Did Dr K say he met this guy when he was at Yale or Harvard?

Bets: i hate ek’s pedigree so much lmao

Kool Aid: Hes way too handsome to be a surgeon who went to an ivy. Thats total bullshit

Donathan: He’s not that handsome.

Bets: claws, donathan!

Donathan: I’m just saying.

Kool Aid: No one look but Richie and this doctor are absolutely exchanging info right now.

Bets: oh my god. who asked first

Kool Aid: Richie I think

Donathan: It’s probably a professional thing, y’all.

Bets: LOOK AT EK’S FACE

Kool Aid: Oh rage??

Kool Aid: Literal 😠??

Bets: what is going on in here on this day

Kool Aid: Is my third eye… is she? Creaking open?

Bets: who do we think he’s jealous of??

Donathan: Guys! Don’t go there

Bets: i’m not going there!

Donathan: Good!

Bets: but i am checking out plane tickets to that general area

* * *

218.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday.

Richard Tozier: [cut off] highly flexible system of textual rules to communicate register and tone

Richard Tozier: it stands for hit me up

November 11, 1:09 PM

Eddie: He’s straight

Richard Tozier: what

Eddie: Sorry wrong person

Richard Tozier: LOL

Richard Tozier: sure it was

Richard Tozier: we were all straight at one point or another

Eddie: Don’t fucking call me that

Eddie: That’s not how sexuality works

Eddie: I hate you

Richard Tozier: i’m just messing with you

Richard Tozier: i have questions for him about a new project

Richard Tozier: i’m not trying to put myself on the market, spaghetti.

Eddie: In all caps don’t call me that either

Eddie: Damn it

Richard Tozier: this is fun for me, though

Eddie: I don’t know what you’re talking about

* * *

219.

Patty’s phone, Thursday.

Patty: I feel bad now

Beverly Bwst Friend: don’t feel bad they’re both big boys lol

November 12, 2:12 PM

Patty: Beverly Marsh! My beautiful friend.

Beverly Bwst Friend: Patty Blum!!!!!!! my stunning compatriot.

Patty: You’re a fashion… person. You know fashion things.

Beverly Bwst Friend: more than I know almost anything else!! lol

Patty: I have a dumb question.

Beverly Bwst Friend: I’m full of dumb answers every day

Patty: Do you know, like, a tailor?

Beverly Bwst Friend: I do! any particular kind?

Patty: Oh I have no idea. I’m not a clothing person, really, which is sort of the problem.

Beverly Bwst Friend: sit down on my metaphorical couch, momma. tell me all about it

Patty: I’m trying to be cool and girly to bond with my stepdaughter and I’m not good at it!

Beverly Bwst Friend: how old is she?

Patty: TWELVE. The most self-conscious age there is.

Beverly Bwst Friend: oh, god, twelve is a nightmare.

Patty: Plus she’s picky, like her dad, which is a quality taht I love dearly but which also makes shopping difficult.

Patty: We started looking for a dress for this winter formal back in October, and NOTHING.

Patty: I volunteered for this task because I felt like it’d be a slam dunk and now I am struggling but I can’t admit defeat.

Beverly Bwst Friend: you’ve been trying your best, honey.

Patty: You’re so reassuring.

Patty: Anyway, there’s something wrong with every dress we try, so I figure the best bet is to get something she likes the color of or whatever and then get it tailored.

Beverly Bwst Friend: well, I do definitely know some tailors!

Patty: Oh, thank you!! You’re a lifesaver.

Beverly Bwst Friend: or.

Patty: Or??

Beverly Bwst Friend: when’s the dance?

Patty: Mid-January!!

Beverly Bwst Friend: I could try and make something for her 🤓

* * *

220.

Patty’s phone, thursday.

Patty: Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly ask you to do that!!!

Patty: That’s incredibly generous, and I appreciate the offer so much, but I couldn’t.

Beverly Bwst Friend: no, please! you’d be doing me a favor!! I would looove an excuse to work on a fun personal project.

Patty: Do you mean it??

Beverly Bwst Friend: YES!!! I never get to do that, I get too caught up in work-work!!

Patty: I mean, that would be incredible, but I really don’t want you to feel obligated 🥺🥺

Beverly Bwst Friend: my little seamstress fingers are itching. I want to so badly.

Beverly Bwst Friend: full honesty, I’ve been slowly getting the art hunger back over the past couple of years, so I’ve been looking for stuff to sink my teeth into, and this sounds fun!!

Patty: Did you burn out before that??

Patty: Sorry, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.

Beverly Bwst Friend: no, it’s okay haha

Beverly Bwst Friend: I did. when I still worked at my own label, it was with my ex-husband, who roundly deserves to get hit by a train.

Beverly Bwst Friend: so, you know, I lost the joy a little bit, which was terrible, because I’ve only ever been an artist.

Patty: Oh, that sounds awful.

Patty: But eventually you kicked his ass to the curb??

Beverly Bwst Friend: that’s a long scary story that I’m sure I’ll tell you one day after a bottle of white wine, but semi-literally yeah! haha

Patty: Well, good for you!! 💥💥

Beverly Bwst Friend: thanks, Patty Cake!

Patty: You have Richie’s taste in nicknames 🤣🤣

Beverly Bwst Friend: you have my husband’s taste in emojis! lol

* * *

221.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF

WILLIAM HANLON

JANUARY 16, 1949 -

NOVEMBER 6, 2020

\--

LAYING TO REST

William’s ashes will be scattered at the Acadia Bluffs by close friends and family at a later time.

ORDER OF FUNERAL SERVICES

Processional - In Christ Alone

Words of Welcome - Pastor Sheldon Kelly

Scripture Reading - Romans 8

Eulogy - Michael Hanlon

Brief Informal Tributes

Hymn - Nearer My God to Thee

Thank you and Acknowledgments

Benediction - Pastor Sheldon Kelly

MEMORIAL ADDRESS

Fair Elections Center

1825 K Street NW, Suite 450

Washington, DC 20006

\- or - 

Grace Baptist Church

988 Old Mill Rd.

Castle Rock, ME 04411

* * *

222.

Mike’s.

Dad

Winter in Maine is brutal. I don’t think I have to tell any of you that: I can see the coats you brought with you to an indoor service in November. Your nose stings, your eyes sting. The wind freezes your tongue to the roof of your mouth. And the snow. It’s like a full-time job. I remember the first time my father woke me up to shovel snow with him before school. I was tired and mad as a little hornet, but I did it, because Will Hanlon never asked you to do anything that wasn’t worth it. I hated every second. I’m sure I complained. Afterward, he gave me my very first cup of coffee, and it tasted like a miracle. “It takes time to brew anyway,” my dad says. “If you move a little snow while you wait, it gives it special powers.”

Like that cup of coffee, spring in Maine is special, all the more because it comes at the end of snow and hail and ice and unbelievable gas bills. It seems like a riot of color and sound after all that white and gray. All the little signs are so sweet: the first river of snowmelt coursing into the storm drain, the first crocus pushing up through that thin felt of March snow, the first day that kids come home from the bus stop with their coats unzipped and hanging from their elbows like little feather boas. For me, spring was ushered in by the roar of my father’s pickup.

If you knew my father, and if you can hear me now, you know that old fifties death-trap. It’s proof that my father could find love in his heart for anything. By decree of Jessica Hanlon, it doesn’t come out when there’s snow on the ground. The muffler disintegrated sometime during the Nixon administration, so it’s a public nuisance, and I think that after his family and God, that truck was my father’s third great love. I could hear it all the way from the end of the drive. That sound meant it was time to full-tilt sprint to the house, throw my backpack to the ground, and swing up into the passenger seat. Every year, my dad looked at me with this wild light in his eyes and asked, “Do you wanna go on a joyride, Mikey?” And every year, I would ask, “Are you gonna make me fix the fence?”

Every year, he would lie and say no.

He’d take me all the way around the property, the parts where you’re supposed to drive a car and the parts where you aren’t. We would look for forest-floor wildflowers, for green tips on tree branches, for squirrel and bird tracks. Much like that old truck, Maine would be turning over after a long sleep and sputtering to life. I loved those afternoons. We would keep the windows down, no matter how cold it still was, and my dad would shout along to the radio that didn’t work anymore, whatever he felt like: The Supremes, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson. It was like having an extra birthday.

Then we’d get to the part of the fence that needed fixing. There was always something, given those Maine winters, and so we’d stop and jump out and close up the gap as best we could. I complained, but I loved that part, too, because being around him, holding his attention, listening to him, was better than almost anything in the world.

I loved my father so much it sometimes hurt to say. I know everyone here understands; I don’t have to list his good qualities. But I will. He worked hard and was home by supper. He was a wonderful teacher: he showed me how to mend a fence, change a tire, tie a tie, read Elvish, and pick what mattered to me and plant my feet in front of it.

* * *

223.

He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, and he loved to sing anyway. He was clever and steady; he was fair and forgiving. He was tough not despite, but because of, his compassion: he stubbornly believed that there was some good in everyone, no matter how long it had been since they showed it. Still, he suffered fools, but not bullies. He was like a furnace for my mother and I, a source of warmth and safety and the feeling of being home, and he only made a few clanking noises on cold mornings. He was as strong as Superman. He could do anything. He had the best voice in the world, the way you could almost always hear the smile in it. There aren’t many people like Will Hanlon; perhaps there aren’t any.

I have thought, more than once in the past year, that it wasn’t fair that my father had to get sick. Seventy years of the best living anyone I know has done, and that’s how he was repaid. But over the past week I’ve realized he didn’t see it that way.

When I was eleven or twelve, my first pet dog died. For some arcane childhood reason, I had named him Mr. Chips, and he used to run alongside my bike and steal my sandwiches as soon as my head was turned. My father dug the grave with me at the corner of our yard. I felt the saddest I thought I would ever feel in my life, and I told my father I never wanted another dog.

“You loved Mr. Chips,” he said. “And you took good care of him”—which meant, of course, that my mother took good care of him and I watched.

“So?” I said. “He’s dead. What was the point of all that?”

My father told me, in the way he had of knowing what your heart needed to hear, “Just because you can’t see life doesn’t mean it’s not there.”

Life is uneven, my father told me. My friend was dead, and today, we’d put him in the ground, and that would seem like the end of things. But in another way, we were planting him. All through the winter, his grave would look hard and cold, but come spring, my father said, I’d see all kinds of green things coming up from that earth. 

He was right. He almost always was. Nothing is wasted that transforms into something else. Winter may hurt, but it’s a necessary rest, a time for seeds to settle into their earth and build up their energy to pop spring over the world like a soap bubble. Pain doesn’t undo a good thing any more than a dark room undoes a painting.

My father had a long life, maybe not as long as we’d hoped, but long enough. He had seasons, freezes and thaws, of all kinds. He was a diligent planter, putting time and energy where he thought there was good soil. Here, even though our grief is in full swing, even though it’s cold without my father, I can look around and see all kinds of green things coming up. That’s you, his family at this church. It’s his many friends, it’s the aunts and uncles and cousins who have descended on our house with love and seventeen kinds of potatoes. It’s my mother, and I hope it’s me.

William Hanlon has moved on, but he is not gone. After the long winter of his last few months of life, I know that where he is now, it’s spring. And there are flowers everywhere.

* * *

224.

Mike’s phone.

Mike: We can find a meeting time next week.

Mike: Are you sure you don’t want her to help you with finding a new place?

Ma: No, I think Vicky and I have a good plan…. 💝💞💗

Ma: Monica says she texted you a list… 💗💕

Mike: Yes ma’am. I’ll be back in half an hour.

November 13, 3:27 PM

Ma: That was lovely, honey  💞💖

Ma: And you know there are people like your daddy in the world…...There’s you  💗💓

* * *

225.

Ben’s phone. Friday.

Bill: It is what it is. Every1 does their best w the family they get assigned

Ben: That’s true!

Ben: I feel very lucky to have the friends and family I do. I’m sure Mike feels lucky to have you!  💗

Bill: That’s a really nice thing 2 say, man. Thanx

Ben: It’s true! I’ll see you soon 👀⛪

November 13, 4:04 PM

Bill: Mike is kind of an extraordinary person, isn’t he?

Ben: Yes, he is.

\--

Bev  💖 🐝: she did should I bring it to you?

Ben: Yes please! 💄👍

November 13, 4:09 PM

Ben: Are you guys okay?? 🥺

Bev  💖 🐝: we’re good! I think haha

Bev  💖 🐝: we’re in Eddie’s car and he’s letting me smoke a cigarette as long as I lean out the window, so there might be something wrong with him.

Ben: I brought patches if you want one!

Bev  💖 🐝: thank you, hon, but I’m good! I just needed an excuse to step out with Eds for a minute.

Ben: Sure, I understand.

Ben: How are YOU doing?

Bev  💖 🐝: I’m fine!! as fine as usual. same baggage, different day.

Ben: You can let me help you with it if you want. I have strong arms 💪

Bev  💖 🐝: I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. do you know that?

Ben: I love you too, Bev. Like mad.

Bev  💖 🐝: I mean it.

Bev  💖 🐝: anyway, stay with Mike, the family trauma club will be in in a minute to help load up the flowers and everything.

* * *

226.

Richie’s phone, Saturday.

Richie: how did...the funeral...go?

Richie: that has to be the wrong way to ask.

Big Bill: It was. Good?

Big Bill: It was really sad. U could tell Mike’s dad was, like, THE guy.

Richie: why do good dads die and shitty ones live forever?

Big Bill: Builds character?

Richie: that fucking sucks. poor mike.

Big Bill: Yea. He’s also their only kid & he was kind of a surprise miracle baby in their late 30s so he just seems rly young doing all this.

Big Bill: I keep wishing he had some1 & then realizing that’s me, kind of.

Big Bill: I wish we met 3 yrs ago so we could just b married & I could actually b his partner 4 all of this.

Big Bill: I wish I was 7 ft tall so I could like wrap all the way around him like a suit of armor.

Richie: bill, i say this with all the love in the world. u sound bananas.

Big Bill: I’m FULLY aware of that!

Big Bill: It’s bananas that he’s real in the 1st place.

Richie: but this is also very romantic.

Big Bill: Which is wildly inappropriate bc he is GRIEVING & it’s fucked up 4 me 2 b getting so crazy abt him when he’s this sad.

Richie: sometimes ur just crazy about someone, no? kind of by definition, it’s not convenient or timed well

Big Bill: Speaking from experience?

Richie: objection. irrelevant

Richie: so u guys are, what, on a break?

Big Bill: I don’t know. No? We talked abt it a lot.

Big Bill: We’re not seeing other people or anything; he just needs time 2 deal w all of this & it’s a lot 2 put on a brand new relationship, especially 1 that we r both taking very seriously.

Richie: did he say “very seriously”??

Big Bill: Looked right into my eyes & everything. I felt like a boiling macaroni noodle.

Richie: 😩😩

Big Bill: So we’re definitively not broken up, but we’re probably not gonna see each other 4 a little while.

Richie: how did everyone else seem?

Big Bill: Eddie seems a little fucked up abt it, if that’s what ur asking.

Richie: i knew it.

* * *

227.

Richie’s phone, Saturday.

Big Bill: Is this y u started the conversation? Dick

Richie: no! I want to be supportive to u also!

Richie: he’s just being cagey about it. 

Big Bill: Have u tried asking him? Maybe he just wants 2 b distracted instead of rehash it.

Richie: well, obviously he doesn’t have to tell me his whole sordid history with families, bc i get the feeling there’s a lot there, but he keeps almost bringing it up and i don’t know if he shuts it down for his sake or mine.

Richie: do i need to wear a t-shirt that says “would like to be emotionally supportive”? because i will

Big Bill: Again, I feel like u could just say that to him directly using words.

Richie: eh, it’s not a big deal. i don’t need to get clingy about it.

Big Bill: How is the whole Eddie thing?

Richie: really good 🥰🥰

Big Bill: Yeah?

Richie: eight inches, slight curve to it, although as we all know it’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean-

Big Bill: Ur a child. Ur in middle school. R u gonna put 58008 in a calculator next?? I h8 u

Richie: it was right there!

Big Bill: Christ.

Richie: i like him a lot.

Big Bill: Yea?

Richie: he’s just. funny and sexy and really, really smart and competent and grouchy and loyal and secretly thoughtful and i love watching him assemble his lunch from like seven different little meal-prep tupperwares.

Big Bill: That’s actually rly nice

Big Bill: I’m happy 4 u, Richie.

Richie: me too, for once

* * *

228.

Richie’s inbox, Monday.

Subject: RE: RE: Graduate Research Interest [Inbox]

Elfrida Udoh

to me  ˅

November 16, 2020, 12:49 PM

Dear Dr. Tozier,

That’s great to hear! Thank you so much for your reply. I’m attaching the roundtable version of a few of the papers I worked on at BU for your reference. Please let me know if there’s any other information that would be helpful to you.

I hope to be able to speak with you again later this year, but if not, I can’t wait to read about the results of your upcoming research!

Elfrida (Frida) Udoh

\--

The 55th Annual Convention of the Northeastern Association for Language and Cognition

New York, NY

December 11-13, 2020

\--

  1. Recognition and Treatment of Receptive Language Disorders



Individual panel

Saturday 3:45 pm to 5:00 pm in 8-C

Chair: Saoirse Bunch, University of Pennsylvania

  1. Identification of Difficult Novel Words for Assisting Adults with Hearing Loss in Language



Learning.

_ Harrison Etheridge, Northeastern University. _

  1. Focused Stimulation Intervention in Children with Developmental Learning Disorders:



Implementation in Clinical Practice.

_ Priya Houskamp, Tufts University. _

  1. Electroencephalographic Indications of Aural and Visual Pattern Recognition in Adults with



Dyslexia.

_ Edward Kaspbrak, Derry University. _

  1. An Investigation of the Storage-Only Deficit and Joint Mechanism Deficit Hypothesis of the



Verbal Working Memory Storage Capacity Limitation in Treatment of Childhood

Developmental Language Disorders.

_ Delia Wu, Penn State University. _

\--

  1. Phonetics and Language Acquisition



Individual panel

Sunday 1:00 pm to 2:15 pm in 4-B

Chair: Tara Deschine, New York University

  1. Psycholinguistic Aspect of Phonetic Means of Colloquial Speech in Real-Time Spanish-



English Translation.

_ Sandra Alvarez, Harvard University. _

  1. The Effects of Video Face Priming on Bilingual Processing of Consonant Clusters.



_ Jordan Kemper, University of New Hampshire. _

  1. Effect of Phonetic Association on Lexis Learning in Natural Language Context: A



Comparative Study of Arabic and English Words.

_ Gabriel Budayev, Brown University. _

  1. Scaled Eye-Movement Response to Phonemic Prediction Conflicts in Korean Learners of



English as a Second Language.

_ Richard Tozier, Derry University. _

* * *

229.

Richie’s phone, Monday afternoon.

November 16, 1:10 PM

Richie: didn’t see your name on the nalc program this year, old timer

Steve: Nope! Will be in the UK for a talk. Sad to miss it.

Richie: won’t be the psycholinguistics event of the year without you.

Steve: There will still be Covall research! Sending Ahmed to present visual world vowel recognition from last spring

Richie: cool!

Steve: You’ll be there as well?

Richie: yes i will; the conflict ppt i ran past you last month

Steve: Yes, I remember discussing that. Hope you made those changes!

Richie: haha, i did. thanks for your help.

Steve: I hear one of my undergraduates is trying to jump ship to you for her PhD…!

Richie: oh?

Steve: Yes, Ms Udoh was asking about you earlier this fall. I assume she’s been in contact?

Richie: i’ve gotten a couple of emails, but her name sounds familiar

Steve: Good for her. Good to cover all your bases when looking at a doctoral program

Richie: i don’t know if we should talk about her too much, probably better to keep it above-board with all the admissions stuff

Steve: Don’t worr1 I was just going to say that she’s by and large an excellent student. A few idiosyncrasies, but who doesn’t have those?

Richie: she seemed like a smart and responsible researcher

Steve: She is! She is. I was thinking of keeping her around for her PhD-- she’s got what we do at BU down pat, and I think she’d benefit from a little extra structure-- green around the edges-- but I think if you both feel she’d be successful at Derry, that’s excellent

Richie: i think she’ll decide wisely

Steve: Are you looking forward to the responsibility of having graduate advisees?

Richie: yeah, i am. i’m excited to bring in some fresh research interests.

Steve: That’s wonderful to hear!

Steve: I’m sure you’re ready for every eventuality after what you were like during your doctorate!

Richie: haha yep

Steve: Everything still going well?

Richie: perfect 👍

* * *

230.

Eddie’s phone, Tuesday evening.

November 17, 6:06 PM

Eddie: Don showed you his proposal

Richard Tozier: is that a question?

Eddie: I don’t have the time to wait for Siri to recognize that I want a question mark every time

Eddie: She’s slow as shit

Richard Tozier: don’t talk about your wife like that!

Richard Tozier: yeah, he did. i just helped him proofread; he wanted it to be in good shape when he showed u.

Eddie: Well thanks then

Eddie: That was nice of you

Richard Tozier: i’m happy to. i remember how nervewracking those meetings were

Eddie: I mean they shouldn’t be advisors should be committed to being helpful

Richard Tozier: and the american electoral process should reflect the will of the populace, but here we are

Eddie: You must be fun at parties

Richard Tozier: i think u know that i am

Eddie: Haha

Eddie: I don’t make Don anxious do I

Richard Tozier: no, i don’t think so.

Richard Tozier: they’re all just standard grad school anxious, as far as i can tell.

Eddie: Okay good

Richard Tozier: next year, when i have my own little bunch of nerds, you’ll tell me if i’m a dick to them, right?

Eddie: You’re a dick all the time

Richard Tozier: seriously

Richard Tozier: i don’t want my main function to be making them feel like shit.

Eddie: You don’t make people feel like shit Richie

Richard Tozier: i had a lot of professors like that

Eddie: Well just because you learned a lot from someone doesn’t mean you’re destined to be like them or that you can’t do better than they did

Eddie: If you try hard enough

Eddie: Right

Richard Tozier: no, you’re right

Eddie: I don’t know why it’s so easy to freak out about this shit

Richard Tozier: because every academic is just a profound fear of failure in a muppet suit

Eddie: That’s not true

Eddie: I’m at least wearing an actual suit

* * *

231.

Betty’s phone. Wednesday, lab meeting.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Donathan: Yes, it matters!

November 18, 12:16 PM

Kool Aid: Is this just. The same as his last study

Donathan: No, this time is nasals. Last time was plosives.

Bets: hoo buoy for a guy who so clearly has adhd he has just a nutballs amount of patience for this

Kool Aid: Its the funding baby

Bets: y does it always come back to capitalism

Donathan: That bitch.

Kool Aid: AI developers eat Covalls shit up. It like helps smooth out transitions in artificial voices or voice-to-text or something

Kool Aid: Dont make those surprised eyebrows at me sir I know things

Bets: [looks around at academia] i hate it here. i’m never leaving

Donathan: Speaking of places we’re all stuck, is one of us bringing a sleeping bag to New York?

Bets: lmao who are we mormons

Bets: no offense a-team

Kool Aid: First of all theyre Jehovahs Witnesses

Kool Aid: Second of all theres two queens well be fine

Donathan: So we’re sharing?

Bets: yea bitch I’m bunking w my wife

Donathan: Right, Hannah’s coming.

Donathan: I can sleep on the floor?

Kool Aid: Absolutely not but get psyched Im a champion spooner

Bets: bud lmao

* * *

232.

Mike, Thursday.

TO-DO Thurs

  * last check for fun. dir.
  * call L - staging - shopping list?
  * ask M for bland decor
    * throw pillows
  * Goodwill books run
  * Box up keeper stuff before cousin visit - they will pick out what they want Fri
  * Thanksgiving???
  * Text Bill
  * SOC220 database
  * Email Miriam abt Zoom setup


  * Attic
  * send Eddie card



\--

TO-DO Thurs

  * last check for fun. dir.
  * call L - staging - shopping list?
  * ask M for bland decor
    * throw pillows **don’t call it bland - <3 Mom**
  * Goodwill books run
  * Box up keeper stuff before cousin visit - they will pick out what they want Fri
  * Thanksgiving???
  * Text Bill
  * SOC220 database
  * Email Miriam abt Zoom setup


  * Attic
  * send Eddie card



* * *

233.

Betty’s phone, Friday morning.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

November 20, 9:13 AM

Bets: y’all got the stuff???

Kool Aid: Stuff

Kool Aid: Yes the cake is baked and frosted but well need a minute for Don to do the writing

Donathan: 👍👍👍

Bets: maybe i should test it beforehand. quality control

Donathan: Adrian made it. It’s going to be perfect.

Kool Aid: I made it so its delicious

Kool Aid: Jinx 😌

Donathan: The package got delivered yesterday, finally, so that looks good! Tacky, but good.

Bets: excuse me i think u mean tacky AND good

Bets: i got the sign and shit 🤙🤙

Donathan: So 1 o’clock?

Kool Aid: 1!!

Bets: ☝️

* * *

234.

Eddie’s phone, Friday.

Eddie: I forget you’re kind of Southern

Ben: I think I take offense to that “kind of” 😡🐎

Eddie: It’s to keep the pipes from freezing

Eddie: Do you know how long his garage door has been broken

Ben: No?

Eddie: Whatever I fixed it

November 20, 9:53 AM

Ben: Happy birthday 🎈🎈 my guy 🎊🎊 happy birthday 🎂🎂 my dude 🎁🎁 happy birthday 🍰🍰 Edward Francis 🎉🎉 happy birthday 💝💝 to you 🧁🧁 !!!

\--

Eddie: [cut off] don’t worry for no reason

Eddie: You worry because something in your environment triggers the release of a couple different neurotransmitters

Mike: Eddie?

Eddie: Yeah

Mike: I admire your intellect and I don’t care about that information at this exact moment in time.

Eddie: That’s absolutely fair

November 20, 10:05 AM

Mike: Hey, Eds! Happy birthday! I’m sorry I won’t be there tomorrow, but keep an eye on your mail. Love you, man.

\--

Bev: [cut off] that makes me sound so juvenile lmao

Eddie: Were you not technically a juvenile delinquent

Bev: you’re not a delinquent if the pigs don’t getcha!!!

Eddie: If you added our childhoods together you would get one normal childhood

Bev: save a lot of money on therapy

Eddie: Yeah damn

November 20, 11:26 AM

Bev: happy birthday, you beautiful bitch. I’m so glad I browbeat you into being my friend!! see you tomorrow night!!

\--

Chat title: CALDER

Adrian M: Do we need to give you guys lead time to read them

Eddie: Yeah let’s just say Sunday the 29th

Eddie: We should have time to critique and revise before NALC

Betty R.: 👍👍

November 20, 12:59 PM

Richard Tozier: yo dr. k could u pop across to the grad student office for a second? i’m trying to help adrian with these box plots but u know r much better than i do

* * *

235.

Eddie’s phone, Friday.

Chat title: CALDER

Eddie: Thanks you guys really

Eddie: That was very sweet

Adrian M.: Youre welcome lab dad

Eddie: Where the hell did you find a mug that says that

Don H.: Etsy!

Betty R.: do you love it

Eddie: It’s very ute

Betty R.: he loves it.

Betty R.: he’s gonna use it all the time

\--

Richard Tozier: how flexible are u

Eddie: I mean I take yoga

Richard Tozier: for meeting times on thursday

Richard Tozier: lmao sorry, i hit send too early

Richard Tozier: that’s very sexy though; we’ll return to that later

November 20, 7:24 PM

Richard Tozier: hey buddy u okay?

Eddie: Yeah why

Richard Tozier: cause i hear u sniffling in ur office

Eddie: Shit thout I was the last one here

Eddie: Dont you have packing to do?

Richard Tozier: flight’s not till tomorrow afternoon. i have plenty of time

Eddie: You stress me out

Richard Tozier: not getting rid of me that easily

Eddie: I’m not sniffling I blew my nose one time

Richard Tozier: well, u also looked a little overwhelmed earlier.

Eddie: Yeah a bunch of people jumped out of the darkness and screamed at me

Richard Tozier: when you put it like that.

Eddie: I’m justnot used to working with people who like me

Richard Tozier: aw, eddie.

Eddie: Not like that I’m not a lost pppy

Eddie: Just at my doc and postdoc my coworkers were coworkers

Eddie: I mean I knew those guys but I wasn’t really the making friends type

Richard Tozier: i’m just absolutely shocked by that.

Richard Tozier: what’s that i hear? 

Richard Tozier: a laugh?

Eddie: Fuck off

Richard Tozier: can i come in?

* * *

236.

Betty’s phone, Friday.

LOML: That’s fine!! I’ll be here till 7 anyway and then I can just bring home pad Thai or something

Betty: marry me

LOML: Ah but someone else got there first 🤷‍♀️

Betty: luckiest lady in the world

November 20, 7:35 PM

Betty: BABE. babe i have to tell u something

LOML: Are you okay???

Betty: yeah i’m fine sorry!!!

LOML: No that’s okay I just wanted to make sure 😅

Betty: ok i have to tell u something bonkers.

Betty: it’s someone else’s secret but i will explode if i tell no one so i’m calling wife exception

LOML: OHO

LOML: Well I’m voraciously curious

Betty: if i don’t tell u i’ll explode

Betty: also sexy use of the word voracious

Betty: anyway i just saw my bosses making out

LOML: WHAT!

Betty: yeah the uptight beagle puppy one and the lesbian shirts one

LOML: Don’t they hate each other??

Betty: THEY SURE USED TO

Betty: they’ve been friendlier lately but i just like glanced into his office as i was leaving and they were fully wrapped in a tender embrace and i’m on the fucking FLOOR

LOML: Did they see you see them???

Betty: NO I BLEW THAT POPSICLE STAND IMMEDIATELY

Betty: I DONT WANT TO SEE THAT THATS MY LAB DAD AND OH MY GOD DO I HAVE TWO LAB DADS

LOML: Was it like a hate makeout?

Betty: it ABSOLUTELY was not

Betty: it was, like...familiar

LOML: I’m gonna throw some words at the wall and you tell me if they resonate with you

LOML: Fiery? Gentle? Passionate?

Betty: kind of to all

Betty: sort of, like, “honey i’m home”

LOML: Aww

LOML: That could be us but you’re still on campus

Betty: i’ll call u from the car 💋

* * *

237.

Richie’s phone, Saturday morning.

Robin: What time do you get in?

Richie: 4:15! i should be at the house by 5

Robin: Oh hush, we’ll pick you up from the airport!!!

Richie: you don’t have to do that!

Robin: Nonsense we want to!! I haven’t seen you since your father’s 60th!! We have lots to catch up on.

Richie: oh, do we?

Robin: You will not be-LIEVE how my cycling group fell apart. There was intrigue. Husbands were slept with!!!

Richie: holy shit.

Robin: Also, Jackie’s nephew apparently broke up with his boyfriend last month and he is cuuuute…

Richie: haha really

Robin: I mean, I wouldn’t push but we COULD have them over for dinner sometime this week 😎

Richie: honestly, i’m a little too busy right now, but that’s very thoughtful.

Richie: speaking of

Richie: what are the odds we can get through this week without dad bringing up the boston thing.

Richie: and related topics.

Robin: I’m sure if you ask him not to, he’ll respect that!!! I can mention it to him, but it’ll stick better if you say it.

Robin: I know he’s stubborn, but he does want to enjoy your visit.

Richie: i do too! i really do.

Robin: If you’re happy, he’ll be happy for you.

Richie: i’m sure you’re right, mom.

Robin: It might be good for you to just talk about it and put the matter to bed!!!

Richie: going through security, so i gotta go. love you see u soon

* * *

238.

Ben’s phone, Saturday night.

bev_marsh

Derry, Maine

[Image: Eddie leaning against the counter at a bar, subtly flipping the camera off]

670 likes

bev_marsh Happy birthday Eds!!! I love you too!!!

View all 31 comments

21 November 2020

\--

Mike: Tell Eddie I’m sorry I couldn’t be there.

Ben: He says to tell you that if you even think about worrying about it, he’ll drive to Castle Rock and kick your ass 🚗🤼

Ben: And I agree!!

Ben: There have been Eddie birthdays before and there will be Eddie birthdays again 🌬️

Mike: Second one I’ve missed in a row, though.

Ben: Is it really??

Mike: Yeah, you remember. We weren’t exactly on speaking terms this time last year.

Ben: Oh! Right.

Ben: Sorry 🤭

Mike: Don’t apologize. I was the one who brought it up.

Mike: But you guys are having fun?

Ben: Lots!! Bev showed the server that picture of Eddie with the mechanical bull.

Mike: Jesus. Tip them extra D:

Ben: Already did!! 😂😂 Eddie is also pretending to be less pleased than he is about the shoes.

Mike: Eddie is a hedonist wearing a thin veneer of academic frugality.

Ben: Bev: “but if you don’t give them a home, Eddie, they’ll go to some douchebag who won’t take care of the leather! And you don’t want that.”

Mike: I bet that worked.

Ben: It did! 👞🎉

Mike: I wonder if he could.

Ben: Who could what?

Mike: Eddie. Kick my ass. I’ve been thinking about this the whole conversation.

Ben: Oh, no way. Your arm is the size of his waist!

Mike: Sure, but he’s scrappy. You’ve [cut off]

* * *

239.

Bev’s phone, Saturday, Sunday.

Bev: the process should go consultation, sketches, fabric, muslin fitting, final fitting.

Bev: oh my god, this is going to be so fun.

Patty!!!!!: It is?? It is!!

Bev: it is!!!! oh, I can take her fabric shopping with me. like a little assistant

Patty!!!!!: I bet she’d love that!! She loves to be treated like a little adult.

Bev: good because I don’t know how to talk to kids hahaha

Bev: so consult tomorrow afternoon?

Patty!!!!!: We’re free anytime after 1!!

Patty!!!!!: ...What does that entail? Should I have, I don’t know, pins??

Bev: I’ll just ask her a bunch of questions about what she likes to wear, probably go through Pinterest with her for a while, maybe take her measurements if that’s okay!

Bev: I’m not very experienced working on child scale, so I can’t really eyeball fabric lengths like I normally would. lol

Patty!!!!!: Would it be cute if I got sparkling grape juice or something? Like say yes to the dress? Or is that embarrassing?

Bev: Patty, I think on some level we are soulmates.

\--

Chat title: B&B

Bev: they were really happy to have a renter this time of year!! she was so cute. she said she’d put out the nice towels for us lol

Husband: That’s great!!

Eds: When are we heading out there

Bev: well, rental starts Tuesday at noon, so we’ll have a lot of time!

Husband: Maybe we should cook there but shop in Derry? Just to make sure we’ll be able to get everything.

Eds: That’s probably smart

Bev: 👍👍

Husband: Bev has turkey, I’ll do pie, Eddie can do sides? Mike says they have plenty of vegetables.

Eds: I can’t make anything except mashed potatoes

Bev: we know buddy haha

Eds: So I can just make a lot of those

Bev: we were counting on it

* * *

240.

Stella’s phone. Sunday afternoon.

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: 😒

Stella: kaylie says carson was bragging about how emily p is his girlfriend

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: he’s lying

Stella: haha i knew it

November 22, 1:23 PM

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: your so lucky 🍀🤑🖼️

Stella: its okay

Stella: beverly is so pretty

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: yeah she’s like mal from descendants

Stella: i cant believe patty has cool friends

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: i like patty ☹️

Stella: i know you do

Stella: shes not cool though

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: well she’s grownup!

Stella: omg theyre talking about boys

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: ew 🤮🪀🎺

Stella: baby

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: not!!!

Stella: beverly just said a bad word

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: which one

Stella: the s word

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: oh that one is bad ‼️🥁🎭

Stella: you dont even know what it is

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: i do!!

Stella: you dont

Stella: beverly says if a boy is ever mean to you and then really nice to you after stop talking to him

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: well i just won’t talk to boys ever 💁🏼‍♀️☂️🦄

Stella: good

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: save me sparkling juice

Stella: no

* * *

241.

Richie’s phone, Sunday night.

Richie: that’s my boy!

November 21, 8:15 PM

Big Bill: Y am I nervous 2 talk 2 my own mother

Richie: sharon denbrough is an intimidating, sensual woman.

Big Bill: Not helping, Richard

Richie: she hasn’t said anything?

Big Bill: No! & it’s not like i’m bringing it up!!

Richie: but ur sure she read it?

Big Bill: Yes? No? Kind of? She doesn’t like horror but she said she was excited 4 this 1

Richie: she’s probably just waiting for u to talk to her about it.

Big Bill: God I should have just called her b4 the book launched

Richie: it would have been awkward and nerve-wracking then, too!

Big Bill: Thx man. Good bedside manner

Richie: look, i came out to went and robin the morning after senior prom, still drunk, in the middle of breakfast, because i couldn’t think of a good lie about why i got into a fight. it was horrible, we didn’t make eye contact for a week, i thought i’d have to flee the country, and then everyone got over it.

Richie: if it does turn out awful, u can just drive ur little hamster ass home and let ur family figure out how to cope, because ur an adult with a car and two houses. if it’s no big deal and she already knows, great! you can stop worrying about it. but u have to rip the bandaid off before u can see what’s under there.

Big Bill: That’s kind of poetic

Richie: say thank you gay dad

Big Bill: Thanks, Richie.

Richie: thank you gay dad

Big Bill: Sorry going into a tunnel ur breaking up krshhdkejkshdhd

* * *

242.

Jessica Hanlon’s phone, Monday.

Jessica: [cut off] remote...I remember that!!  💞

Monica 💐💛: He meant well 😂

November 23, 2:39 PM

Monica 💐💛: Helloooo Ms J! How’s the house looking?

Ma: It’s coming along fine...been a lot of painting walls this week  💓💞 and you would not believe the junk in the garage!!

Monica 💐💛: David showed me the pictures Mike sent to him 🤣 he says he’ll come by with his trailer tomorrow to help haul some things!!

Ma: Oh, that will be so helpful…what in the world we were doing with two old canoes I just can’t pretend to know… 💘💕

Monica 💐💛: Will you be ready to show it soon? I can bring my lamps and things over this weekend if you like.

Ma: I think so...the first floor and the bedrooms look brand new...we just have to touch up a few fixtures and clear out that attic… 💗💝

Monica 💐💛: He still hasn’t gone up there?

Ma: No-oo…all he’ll say he means to but he keeps getting busy… 💕

Monica 💐💛: Do you think it would help to have an extra pair of hands? I have the whole week off work.

Ma: Oh, thank you, but I know he wants to do it himself…just hard to look at all his daddy’s old photos and things, I think… 💓

Monica 💐💛: Of course that makes sense! Just let me know if anything needs doing that I can help with.

Monica 💐💛: On another note, would you like to come over for breakfast on Thursday? I’m making cinnamon rolls and I know I’ll have too many. David doesn’t put them away like he used to 😋

Ma: Why, sweet Monica...did Michael get you in on that plan of his to keep me from lifting a finger on Thanksgiving?  💗💖

Monica 💐💛: Wouldn’t dream of trying to get anything past you, Miss J!! ❤️

Monica 💐💛: I’ll pick you up at 9!

* * *

243.

Patty’s phone, Tuesday.

3:34 PM

< Lists

TASKS

  * Wash good napkins
  * Dust in dining room
  * Pinesol the dining room table (BY WEDNESDAY NIGHT)
  * Butter substitute (whole foods) (as much as I’m allowed to take)
  * Chop/peel apples, lemon (weds)
  * Print out timetable
  * Appease children (address animal crossing custody before urises get here)
  * Prep date syrup Weds
  * Dry brine turkey Weds
  * Cornbread Weds
  * Green beans made with and without almonds
  * Test drive crumble
  * Meditate
  * Complain to Melanie (set timer)
  * Meditate again probably
  * Set table night before????
  * Crumble AND pie? To hedge bets?
  * Get whatever stupid organic pumpkin filling they have at Whole Foods
  * Bruschetta??
  * Peel potatoes weds
  * Centerpiece?! Do the pine cones make it TOO “I saw this on Pinterest”
  * Clean out candleholders
  * Put soap in ceramic container
  * Shit where are the good hand towels
  * Prepare guest room for nap donald insists he’s not going to need
  * Chop ginger weds
  * Refill salt and pepper
  * Make sure Stan silences phone
  * Make stan tell girls to silence phones
  * Iron placemats
  * Practice breathing exercises for when Esther inevitable eats an essential ingredient in the middle of the night



\+ New Reminder

* * *

244.

Richie’s phone. Wednesday afternoon.

Richie: that’s probably smart

Richie: does this mean i’m in charge of pie?

Doc the First: I wish you would use capital letters when you txt

Richie: i wish u would spell text with an e

Doc the First: Robbie’s brother and his family are coming too so I think two pies

Richie: gotcha

November 25, 1:33 PM

Doc the First: Visiting your old haunts?

Richie: yeah, i had so much fun in high school, i thought i’d relive it

Doc the First: Don’t tell Robbie but I have cigars for later

Richie: you’re a dentist, man.

Doc the First: It’s a holiday junior

Doc the First: As my millennial receptionist says: let me live

Richie: my gen z lab assistants would eat nikki for breakfast

Doc the First: You’ll be back for dinner though?

Richie: yeah, dude, i’m not hopping the train out west to pan for gold

Richie: just going to 7-11

Doc the First: Did you see the Kellys’ house

Richie: i certainly walked past it and have eyes

Doc the First: Horrible color

Doc the First: Sandy’s married now. Did you know that

Richie: that’s nice, dad

Doc the First: He’s a lawyer

Richie: saw a younger, prettier dentists’ office in the block by teerman & sons. how does that make u feel?

Doc the First: I’m your Presbyterian half. You can’t ask me how I feel about anything. They’ll sue

* * *

245.

Patty’s phone. Wednesday night.

Patty: You have such a fascinating little wrinkly brain.

Stan 🥰: Thank you?

November 25, 6:29 PM

Stan 🥰: How’s the patient?

Patty: He’ll be fine!!! Cast going on now, then the ortho lady is coming in with discharge instructions soon, and he’s got lots of painkillers. Thankfully looking at X-rays doesn’t require a lot of precise translation 😅😅

Stan 🥰: Will you be driving him back or coming straight from the hospital?

Patty: His roommate will pick him up!! I should be back by eight.

Stan 🥰: Anything else I can do to prep for tomorrow?

Patty: No, I’ll take care of everything else on the list!!

Stan 🥰: Are you sure? There’s a lot of chopping left. I’m in my thirties; I can chop.

Patty: I know that!!

Stan 🥰: But?

Patty: ...you would make the pieces uneven 😬😬

Stan 🥰: Honey.

Patty: I love your cooking!! I just have to make sure everything is perfect for tomorrow.

Stan 🥰: Well, I suppose one has to be prepared, in case the Thanksgiving inspectors come.

Patty: Ha-ha, Mr. Uris. 

Stan 🥰: In case the apocalypse can only be prevented by building a little Rubix cube out of carrots and potatoes.

Patty: Shove it, rational man!! 😡😡

Stan 🥰: I will leave the vegetables alone.

Patty: I’ll text you when I’m on my way home 🥰🥰

Stan 🥰: Okay. See you then. I love you.

Patty: Love you too!!

* * *

246.

Bev’s phone. Thursday morning.

Chat title: cat losers.

Bill: Very much so.

November 26, 7:22 AM

Bev: good MORNING and happy thanksgiving everyone!!!

Mike: Happy Thanksgiving to you too, Bev.

Richie: good luck motherfuckers!

Bill: Thx!

Patty!!!!!: I’ll need it!!

Husband: Happy Thanksgiving 🦃🍽️

Husband: And for Mike, happy Thanksgiving 🥗 🍽️

Stan: It’s going to be a nice day.

Bev: Eds?!?

Eds: I ambrushing my teeth oen wall away from you

Bev: say it.

Eds: Hoppy fangs giving

* * *

247.

Bev’s phone, Thursday morning.

Bev: you don’t eat meat. do you think tofu crumblies instead of bacon on top of green beans would work?

Murray Han: If you’re trying to get a bacon effect, you could throw some liquid smoke in with them

Murray Han: Fry then in a pan beforehand probably

Murray Han: Happy American Lies About History day

Bev: you too!! lol doing anything for it?

Murray Han: Well, I categorically refuse to celebrate pilgrims, but I actually don’t have to work this weekend so I’m making pizza with my brother and his wife

Bev: new job perks?

Murray Han: Yeah, Claiborne actually takes the concept of time off seriously. Bless

Bev: you deserve it, bud.

Murray Han: Local hero boss doesn’t send a million emails on national holidays

Bev: is that the mom or the daughter?

Murray Han: Mom is CEO, Selena is artistic director. They have a similar approach, though

Bev: fashion people with boundaries. imagine

Murray Han: I do like them a lot

Murray Han: What are you up to?

Bev: making dinner for my friend’s family! his dad just passed, so we’re basically descending on their house with a full meal and a cleanup crew.

Murray Han: That’s Mike, right?

Bev: yes it is!!

Murray Han: That sounds nice 🥰

Bev: I think it will be!! me and eddie like to pretend we’re also in Mike’s family.

Murray Han: Eddie is the one who met Ben-the-husband at yoga. The hot little piece who’s 60% eyeball

Bev: how’d you know about the eyeballs? lmao

Murray Han: Hello? Instagram

Bev: I’m going to start calling him a hot little piece.

Murray Han: I love being a trend-setter 😌

Bev: shit I think I’m burning something lol I gotta go

Murray Han: OK haha

Bev: tell Jay and Vanessa I say hi!

Murray Han: How’d you know her name was Vanessa?

Bev: hello? instagram

* * *

248.

Stella’s phone. Thursday noonish.

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: you think everything is annoying

Stella: well most stuff is

November 26, 12:05 PM

Stella: go to the garage and get the lemon ice from the outside freezer

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: fine ❄️

Stella: patty told me but i dont want to

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: i’m telling

Stella: shes not going to care she’s like freaking out lol

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: why

Stella: i dont care

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: daddy said not to ant aganize her 🐜🐧📙

Stella: all i did was poke the little waves on the pie

Stella: hahahahaha

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: you get mad at me when i touch food with my hands!!!!

Stella: well i wash my hands more often than you do

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: your mean today 😡👺🥀

Stella: do you want the other half of this roll

brat 👱🏻‍♀️: yes

* * *

249.

Bill’s phone. Thursday afternoon.

Bill: [Image: the cover of a book titled WHERE BIGFOOT WALKS]

Bill: Reminded me of u

Mike: :)

November 26, 12:31 PM

Mike: Happy Thanksgiving.

Bill: Happy thanksgiving!

Bill: I hope you’re doing well.

Mike: I hope you are, too.

Bill [draft]: I miss

Mike: [typing]

Mike: [typing bubble disappears]

[messages end]

* * *

250.

Bill’s phone. Thursday afternoon.

Bill: Well u had sex w him like 4 days ago so don’t whine 2 me

Richie: i’m a growing boy!

Bill: I h8 this conversation

Richie: u know what they say

Bill: I will cut off ur Shelley access!

Richie: DON’T

November 26, 1:48 PM

Richie: and?

Bill: Still hasn’t happened. I’m developing a stress ulcer

Richie: me too.

Bill: Dad?

Richie: yes son?

Bill: I’m gonna let u have that joke bc I feel like u need it

Richie: yeah, it’s the good doctor.

Bill: R u fighting?

Richie: nah, just tiptoeing around each other. i can tell he’s trying to avoid bringing up things we argue about. i am too. 

Richie: i feel like a bomb-sniffing dog.

Bill: same. One of mom’s friends asked “what’s going on in my life” & I couldn’t think of anything to talk about besides Mike, so I told her her new hair color looked good, which was apparently the wrong thing to say because she didn’t think anyone noticed it was dyed.

Richie: bill.

Bill: I know!

Richie: at this point, just abandon ur dignity and start snooping around to see if she has a copy of ur bisexual confessional.

Bill: I already did

Richie: oh my god

Bill: I can’t tell if it’s been opened or not

* * *

251.

Richie: u got it

Richie: what flavor eggos

Richie: they have blueberry

Robin: Get blueberry! What are we, barbarians?

Richie: no, just three adults who are all too lazy to make actual waffles

Robin: Hey, if you want to make them, I won’t stop you.

Richie: obviously not, eggos are a perfect food

November 26, 4:01 PM

Robin: Don’t be too long.

Richie: i won’t

Richie: i’m sorry. more to you than to him.

Robin: Not gonna lie Richard, fleeing Thanksgiving dinner is a tiny bit soap opera.

Richie: i know it is.

Richie: not my finest moment.

Robin: I know you guys have trouble seeing eye-to-eye on this and I know I can’t change that.

Richie: it’s just that his expectations drive me crazy. am i supposed to stay in the first place i ever lived? keep the first job I ever got? be with the first person? 

Robin: He just wants you to have stability.

Richie: i have that now!

Richie: that’s what my job MEANS. I’ll be in derry a long time. i have a life there. he’s just hung up on on boston and connor like those were both lucky accidents i should have stuck with out of gratitude

Robin: You know that’s not true.

Richie: it’s how, he acts, though.

Richie: he keeps harping on commitment like that magically solves every problem i have.

Richie: i can commit to things. i do!

Robin: I believe that, sweetheart.

Richie: shit, i’m sorry. it’s not fair for me to take my mood out on you.

Robin: I want to help. I just don’t know how much help I can be. You need to talk to each other about that.

Richie: no, look, it’s okay, i was just being defensive. i just need to walk it off and then i’ll come back.

Robin: Be safe  💓💓

Richie: i will.

Richie: i’m sorry.

* * *

252.

Richie’s phone.

[to: Professor Doctor]

November 26, 4:37 PM.

Richie: i have to tell u something ur gonna hate. i used to smoke like a chimney

Richie: i stopped in grad school because i couldn’t afford it, but there’s just years of lung damage in there, which is probably why your stamina is so much better than mine.

Richie: i say this because right now this second, i’m walking around my parents’ neighborhood chain-smoking a pack of newports.

Richie: i don’t usually, don’t worry. i yelled at my dad in front of his in-laws, so it’s a special occasion.

Richie: i know it’s childish, but it’s been almost an hour and i still kind of feel like he deserved it.

Richie: sorry you’re getting the full holden caulfield treatment; i would whine to stan, but i was a dick to him last time we talked.

Richie: i’m going to finish my little death box and stop being melodramatic ☠️text me when ur back in town

* * *

253.

Bev’s phone.

Bev: i pulled it off! i didn’t burn anything!! vegetarian bacon bits were well-reviewed!!

Murray Han: Look at you, you little hostess.

Bev: 🍗🍸🥰

Bev: how was pizza?

Murray Han: Godly. I don’t make bad food

Bev: you once set off the fire alarm in our dorm because you forgot to put water in your mac and cheese.

Murray Han: I have layers.

Murray Han: But everything went well?

Bev: beautifully. mike’s mom pretended to be surprised and the boys were well-behaved

Murray Han: By boys you mean

Bev: the grown men in attendance, yes

Bev: they did the dishes and now they’re all napping in the living room. lol

Murray Han: Cute!!

Bev: except Eddie i guess. he’s just checking his phone incessantly

Murray Han: Kids are like that these days.

Bev: send pics of pizza

Murray Han: Free up some space on your phone bitch!! I have dozens

* * *

254.

Richie’s phone.

November 26, 6:23 PM

Stanislavski: Truce?

Richie: please and thank you.

Richie: today was a disaster.

Stanislavski: Yours too?

Richie: what happened at the beautiful uris family gathering???

Stanislavski: Nothing that bad, really.

Stanislavski: Stella was testing my patience. Donald at this point bypasses my patience and goes straight to playing jumprope with my nerves. Normally Patty is good at defusing things, but she was having a time of it, too.

Richie: doesn’t she get along with the urises sr? Suspiciously well?

Stanislavski: She does! She’s just...a perfectionist, so putting on this big holiday dinner made her spiral a bit.

Richie: ah.

Stanislavski: We haven’t hosted anything like this since we got engaged. I think she thought if anything went wrong, our marriage would be doomed for failure. Possibly we’d both get the plague.

Richie: well, that’s a natural conclusion to come to.

Stanislavski: I was the less anxious one, Richie. 

Stanislavski: Me. Less anxious.

Richie: how did that go?

Stanislavski: I felt like I was talking you down from that bad acid trip you went on during spring break of junior year.

Stanislavski: Was not good at it.

Richie: 😬😬😬

Stanislavski: We got everything on the table, but she had an eye twitch.

Richie: well, i called wentworth a low-rent doomsday prophet.

Stanislavski: Honestly? Par for the course.

Richie: i choose to take that as a compliment

\--

November 26, 6:17 PM

Big Bill: She knew.

Richie: yeah?

Big Bill: It was, like, the 3rd most interesting thing we talked abt at dinner.

Big Bill: It was nothing. I told her I was dating a librarian named Mike & she said “that sounds much more practical than that actress from before.

Richie: damn. kind of best case scenario, huh?

Big Bill: She also said the chapter abt it made her cry.

Richie: nice for u, embarrassing for me.

* * *

255.

Another excerpt.

8

The first gay person I ever met was my college roommate. His name was Richie, and he had the cartoonish proportions of a teenager growing from a shrimp to a brick shithouse—skinny arms, skinny legs, enormous shoulders and hands. He was half a foot taller than me. This idea wriggled around under my skin as I shook his hand.

I had never been come out to before, and he made short work of the process. We collapsed onto the futon, got so stoned our eyeballs felt sticky, and then he said, “I’m gay, by the way. In case that’s going to be a problem. Don’t worry, I won’t try to fuck you.”

He sounded calm. I guess you’d have to be. But he flicked the ash off the end of the joint clumsily, and it fell, glowing an emergency orange, to the cushion between us. I sat there dumbly as he lunged across the dorm room to grab a shoe and tamp it out.

We didn’t talk much about it. I told him I didn’t care; he nodded sagely. We laid on the floor and listened to a Radiohead CD and I felt a mixture of fascination and dread that would come to be familiar over the next fifteen years. I was almost relieved: Richie was tall and handsome and gregarious, but he was gay. We were evenly matched. But in the same breath, I buzzed with a tight, eager anxiety, wondering if he was looking at me, wondering if I’d ever catch him looking. How that would feel.

After several weeks, I was drunk enough to ask him again. I’d met a few more people, eyebrow-pierced girls in my writing classes and bright-blonde boys at parties, who confirmed what I had already believed: Richie, with his matter-of-fact sexuality, was the exception to the rule. Most people stumbled through the possibility like I did through a sentence. Maybe they’d come out in college. Maybe after. Maybe never.

“How’d you do it?” I said, passing him the bottle of Burnett’s with which we were both slowly, steadily making our brains useless.

He took a cavalier swallow of straight vodka, throwing his chin up toward the ceiling, wiping an errant drop from his violin jaw. “How’d I do what?”

“Come out,” I said. “It seems like it takes a lot of people longer.”

Like everyone, I’d had my moments of consideration. Waiting for junior varsity basketball practice to start as the varsity team finished their own drills, legs moving and hands catching. Nothing with a definite conclusion. I wondered if that was all it took: if you wondered, you just were. Or maybe it was like Bloody Mary. The third time damned you.

Richie said, “I almost didn’t have to. To a lot of people. Ever since I was a kid, there were rumors about it. Like they could—could smell it on me, or something.”

His voice twisted up at the end, curled in on itself, and for the first time I really paid attention to his posture. His technicolor personality was betrayed by the slow avalanche of his shoulders sloping in. This knowledge was no easier for him than for anybody else, but he would rather tell you and take his lumps.

Perversely, however, I was also relieved. This is how you knew. Someone else told you.

Richie’s sexuality was entirely theoretical, until one day it wasn’t. I came home from the library to find a sophomore named Peter, a black-beanied poetry savant, leaving our room in slight disarray. When he was gone, I turned to Richie.

“Are you guys—” I said, not sure how to finish.

Richie waved his hand in the air vaguely. “We’re something. I don’t know.”

He let me empty my backpack before he said, “Don’t tell anybody, okay?”

I startled. “About you and Peter?”

“He doesn’t want anyone to know he’s sleeping with me.” Richie laughed acidly. “I mean, would you?”

I blinked at him, at his square face and the way his dark hair relaxed against his forehead, and I thought, clear and un-self-aware,  _ I would. _

* * *

256.

Richie’s phone, Friday morning.

Bill: I didn’t mean 4 it 2 be embarrassing 😕

Richie: no, i approved the chapter, man. i’m not torn up about it.

Richie: i mean, i think it’s a good piece of writing that expresses a part of ur personal story well, but u just so happened 2 have a thing for sad people in college, so u mostly tell the parts that make me sound very tess of the d’urbervilles.

Richie: imagine this in my american lit voice

Bill: No worries I could hear it.

Bill: I also said u were hot & charismatic.

Richie: and i treasure that.

Richie: either way, congratulations again, billiam.

Bill: Thx dude 😎

Bill: Now all I have 2 worry abt is the end of the semester

Richie: please don’t remind me.

Bill: O boo hoo, u have 2 administer some multiple choice exams.

Richie: my grad class is turning in 20 page research papers!

Bill: My genre seminar is turning in 50-page portfolios, dickwipe!

Bill: & I told them I’d give them a round of comments the Fri b4 exam week!!

Bill: I have 2 grade 500 pages twice!!!

Richie: yeah, of, like, sci-fi. do u know how dry research papers are??

Bill: That’s 75 pages per day 2 finish by next Friday & then 75 pages per day again 2 finish by the end of exam week!!!!

Richie: this sounds like a problem u created urself.

Bill: Multiple rounds of revision & feedback is good pedagogy!!!

Richie: sure thing, bud. ur the noblest masochist i know

* * *




Eddie’s phone, Friday.

Google docs.

  *     * ~~Maybe ok as long as we aren’t touchy and don’t sit on the same side of the table??~~
    * ~~Bumping knees under table ok probably~~


  * ~~Makes suggestive jokes about all of his friends apparently~~
  * ~~Show off about facts about electoral college~~


  * In what fucking world do I seem like I would give good advice about family shit
  * Where in the hell would that idea come from
  * Bev and I can just barely mention our respective childhoods to each other and she knows me better than almost anyone else alive
  * Am I supposed to fix it?? What do I do
  * Would kind of like to fix
  * No fuck off I don’t know anybody with a good dad anymore
  * If Richie became friends with Mike so he doesn’t tell me this shit would the rule about emotional conversations and the rule about sharing friends cancel each other out
  * Is that an ethical thing to wonder
  * I am not built for this I am not good at this I cannot handle it. I am not supposed to have people problems anymore just work problems



\--

[Cut | Copy | Paste | Add Comment | Insert Link]

\--

  * ~~[cut off] inappropriate, probably~~
  * ~~Winked when he saw me at falcon? Knew I would be there and still went?~~
  * ~~Gets along with my friends even thogh Internet says we’re not supposed to have the same ones~~


  * ~~Maybe ok as long as we aren’t touchy and don’t sit on the same side of the table??~~
  * ~~Bumping knees under table ok probably~~


  * ~~Makes suggestive jokes about all of his friends apparently~~
  * ~~Show off about facts about electoral college~~
  * Smokes when stressed (11 minutes off of life per cigarette)



* * *

258.

Eddie’s phone, Saturday.

November 28, 11:25 AM

Paul Alcott: Please tell me why I’m fielding calls on a holiday weekend

Eddie: Don’t pick up then

Paul Alcott: It could be someone calling to tell me one of my kids broke a femur playing football.

Eddie: Your kids are adults

Paul Alcott: They still have femurs.

Paul Alcott: I’m going to send it to voicemail, but I thought I’d let you know.

Eddie: Yeah, thanks

Eddie: Sorry about that

\--

[Image: a phone screen receiving a call]

11:31 AM

Myra

Decline | Accept

\--

11:32 AM

Myra

call ended

**Decline** | Accept

\--

11:38 AM

Myra

Decline | Accept

\--

11:38 AM

Myra

Decline |  **Accept**

* * *

259.

Richie’s phone, Friday.

November 27, 12:26 PM

Richie: have regained composure enough to be embarrassed. Let’s just not talk about it.

November 28, 12:42 PM

Professor Doctor: I mean if that’s what you want

Richie: yep

Professor Doctor: Holidays are a scam I don’t understand why people feel like all the other shit happening in their life isn’t still happening on a specific day because it gets a fucking Google doodle

Professor Doctor: Like everyone’s going to suddenly be different or better or whatever

Richie: bc they’re surrounded by loved ones?

Richie: milk of human kindness? etc?

Professor Doctor: Exactly what are we toddlers

Richie: u wanna talk about it, scrooge?

Professor Doctor: I’m driving back right now are you home

Richie: nope 😬 my flight’s not till tomorrow morning

Richie: should be home at 2

Professor Doctor: Damn it

Richie: i’d offer to send pics to tide u over, but they’d have my actual childhood looney tunes sheets in the background, which feels perverse

Professor Doctor: The Looney Tunes joke is not as funny as you think it is man

Richie: oh u think this is a joke?? u think i’m a looney tunes poseur??

Professor Doctor: Do not send me a dick pick I am on the god damn freeway

Richie: [image: sheets from the 1990s featuring the Tasmanian devil riding a skateboard]

Professor Doctor: Ha ha holy shit

Richie: my parents used to blame all my obnoxious behavior on him.

Professor Doctor: Yeah I see it

* * *

260.

Richie’s phone. Sunday.

November 29, 9:28 AM

Professor Doctor: Is your flight on time

Richie: yessir

Professor Doctor: Good

Professor Doctor: Don’t be late for it

Richie: bossy!

November 29, 2:01 PM

Professor Doctor: In parking lot

Richie: okay, eager beaver. i’m still five minutes out

Professor Doctor: Don’t text and drive!

Richie: [image: animoji of a giraffe with its tongue out]

Professor Doctor: What the fuck is that

Richie: not technically texting

November 29, 2:42 PM

Professor Doctor: What is happening

Richie: the traffic light next to CVS is out so it’s a janky four-way stop. have love gloves, back in a few

Professor Doctor: You’re calling them that just to get a rise out of me

Richie: i have plenty of other ways to get a rise out of you, edward

Professor Doctor: Fuck off

Professor Doctor: No I mean what is happening here

Professor Doctor: [image: selfie of Eddie lying down with an orange cat curled up on his sternum]

[Contact photo for Professor Doctor: aforementioned selfie]

Richie: oh, that’s just shangela

Richie: she senses things like that

Professor Doctor: Like what

Richie: whatever it is ur upset about

Professor Doctor: Who says I’m upset about anything

Richie: god, ur stubborn.

Professor Doctor: There’s not anything!

Richie: this is me respecting that boundary

Professor Doctor: What does purring sound like

* * *

261.

Eddie’s phone. Sunday night.

Bev: why don’t you have her number blocked?

Eddie: Don’t want to give her the satisfaction

Eddie: She’s calling again I’m just going to fucking pick up

Bev: I think that’s a bad idea!

Eddie: It’ll be fine what can she actually do to me

November 28, 3:16 PM

Bev: well, was it fine??

November 29, 6:03 PM

Eddie: Bev what does it mean when a guy’s cat falls asleep on you

Bev: aww his cats like you??

Eddie: It’s not awe nothing is awe

Bev: grumpy

Eddie: And it wasn’t cats plural it was just one cat

Eddie: Apparently she’s the friendliest one

Eddie: Which isn’t a high bar because I’ve barely seen any of them

Bev: you do have really intense energy. I bet that freaks them out lol

Eddie: Richie said she’s a quote cuddle bug once she gets used to you unquote

Eddie: What does it mean that the cat is used to me

Bev: I dunno, I never really won Kay’s cat over.

Eddie: You guys were together for like three months

Bev: well, how long have you been hanging out with Richie?

Eddie: I wouldn’t call it hanging out

Bev: you were in his house long enough for his cat to fall asleep on you!

Eddie: Richie wasn’t there!

Bev: oh my god.

Bev: Eddie, do you have a key to his house???

Eddie: God no

Eddie: There was a little lockbox thing for the cat sitter he just gave me the code

Bev: but you were in his house by yourself.

Eddie: I was waiting for him to get condoms

Bev: you, Edward F Kaspbrak, did not bring any?

Eddie: There’s usually a big box here but while he was in New York for Thanksgiving the cats got into them and left a lot of little teeth marks

* * *

262.

Eddie’s phone, Sunday.

Bev: LMFAO

Eddie: I guess they like crinkly things

Bev: so when’s the wedding?

Eddie: What the hell

Bev: hahahahahahaha

Eddie: That’s not fucking funny Bev

Bev: I’m not really joking! there’s a point at which things are no longer casual, and I think “friends with his pets, hangs out in his house alone, first thing you do when you get back from out of town is see each other” is borderline at best.

Eddie: That’s not true

Bev: I say don’t fight it. he’s cute, he’s sweet, your friends already like him, he actually understands your job. what’s the problem?

Eddie: Me

Eddie: It’s not that fucking simple

Bev: well, I have been in the not-simple situation and I think you should go for it anyway.

Eddie: I cannot be in a relationship with Richie okay fuck

Bev: you kind of already are.

Eddie: I am not I am fucking not we are decidedly not together

Eddie: I was at his house alone for half an hour one time

Eddie: That does not supersede our long-standing arrangement

Eddie: I don’t have to explain myself to you

Bev: okay. okay

Bev: dude

Eddie: I know I just I know my life a little better than you do

Bev: yeah, all right. if you say you’re not, you’d know better than me. I’m just saying what it looks like from here.

Eddie: Okay

Bev: and I also want you to be happy, Eds.

Eddie: Well let me worry about that

Bev: well the thing is I’m afraid that you don’t

Bev: haha

Eddie: Do you want to fucking talk about grades Beverly because I’ll do it

Bev: NO

Eddie: Is your Blackboard grade book up to date

Bev: MERCY

* * *

263.

Richie’s inbox. Monday morning.

Subject: RE: Preliminary plans [Inbox]

Hamad Alfadhli

to me  ˅

November 30, 2020, 11:12 AM

  
  


Rich,

I’m happy to help any way that I can! I haven’t been involved in research since med school, so I’ll have to talk to some colleagues with more recent experience on the ethics side of things, but on a cursory pass, those interview styles seem like they’d solve a lot of the patient-based concerns. Pretty ingenious! I’m excited to be involved. Just let me know whenever there are more materials to look over. If you’d like, I can also put out a few feelers to see what kind of funding is set aside for standard of care research with immigrant patients—it’s definitely of interest to a lot of us in the field, so I expect there’s at least some.

I know it’s a long email! Just enthusiastic. Thanks again for reaching out.

Hamad

Dr. Hamad Alfadhli

Derry General Hospital - Emergency Department

Office # (207) 555-9812

[cut off]

\--

**Steve Covall — Next up - Feb/March** — Rich, First attachment - new IRB. Second - proposed stimuli…

**Don Hagarty — Presentation file for 12/02** — Dr. Tozier, Attached you’ll find my presentation for NA…

**Elizabeth Ripsom — weds lab mtg thingy** — Here she is! Bets

**Adrian Mellon — Presentation for Wednesday ✨** — Attached: extremely beautiful shockingly good p…

\--

Subject: Next up - Feb/March [Inbox]

Steve Covall

to me  ˅

Nov 30, 2020, 11:37 AM

Rich,

First attachment - new IRB. Second - proposed stimuli. Will need norming. You know the drill!

Dr. Frankenstein

Steve Covall, Ph.D.

Professor and Principal Investigator

Department of Linguistics

College of Arts and Sciences

Office 348, 621 Commonwealth Ave

Boston University

Boston MA 02215

[ spcovall@bu.edu ](mailto:spcovall@bu.edu)

**2 Attachments**

\--

Richard Tozier <rtozier@der...

to Hamad  ˅

Nov 30, 2020, 11:53 AM

Hamad,

Thanks so much for getting back to me! I really appreciate your help. No need to go out of your way on anything; you’re going above and beyond just lending your expertise. I will absolutely keep you updated with any progress on funding or procedures, but it may be a while, as I’ve got a few upcoming projects to get through first. You’ll hear from me as soon as I’m able to have more specific questions or a more definite timeline.

Again, thank you so much for your willingness to help. This study may not get off the ground for a year or so, so of course let me know if any circumstances change for you.

Richie

* * *

264.

**the snaxolotl**

@martymcflyy

[Image: image of J. Cole with his hands out, with Snapchat-edited text saying BEFORE FINALS KILL ME ANYBODY WANT TO ADMIT THEY GOT A CRUSH ON ME 💕🙈😩]

10:58 AM · Nov 30, 2020

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUHotLibrarian

It has been 24 days since our last hot librarian sighting. Our thoughts are with both him, wherever his fine vegetarian ass is.

12:08 PM · Nov 30, 2020

**tori the bell daddy | abolish the police**

@bee_cleric

My practicum at the english institute ends this week. Tahir and Patty: ur angels and I will miss u. Lady at the front desk who yelled at me when i lost the key to the supply closet: we absolutely still have beef

2:37 PM · Nov 30, 2020

**emma kay the cosmonaut**

@emmakayokay

Guilt level: gillian said bill looked like a sad husky and i laughed loud enough for bill to hear but it just made him look more like a sad husky. Whoever hurt my emotional support problematic author man—

4:30 PM · Nov 30, 2020

* * *

265.

Bill’s phone, wee hours of Tuesday morning.

Bill: I miss Mike ☹️

Richie: aw, buddy.

Bill: Is that clingy?

Richie: u think i know where the line between sweet and clingy is?

Bill: Self deprecate l8r man I’m fuckin sad

Richie: when was the last time u saw him?

Bill: Funeral. Almost 3 wks. Which doesn’t sound bad now that I say it, but we were talking every day b4 that.

Richie: u haven’t talked at all?

Bill: A few texts here & there, but he’s busy. He hasn’t been talking 2 anyone much. I asked Eddie & them.

Richie: sucks, man.

Bill: It’s selfish. U can say it

Richie: having feelings isn’t selfish. if u were actually selfish, u would be texting him about this, rather than working through it with ur dear friend richie.

Richie: lie down on my psychoanalysis couch. tell me ur woes.

Bill: I just wish his arms

Richie: his arms what

Bill: I think that’s the entire sentence?

Richie: mhm

Bill: I miss talking to him. I miss smelling him

Richie: he does smell fantastic.

Bill: I KNOW.

Bill: He’s tall enough that I can just put my arms around him while he’s talking & feel his voice in his chest. I only did that once b4 he had 2 go back 2 castle rock. If that’s all I ever get of it I will die

Richie: ur officially veering into the melodramatic. i support it; i just wanted to have that on record

Bill: I feel very mopey. I don’t know. Being around him is so god damn nice. I want 2 do it again.

Richie: any idea when he’ll be back in derry?

Bill: Sometime b4 the 2nd semester starts ☹️

Richie: that’s not too bad

Bill: Well, it’s also not like I can expect him to swan back into town on a white horse & immediately leap back into my arms or something. He has other things 2 do. He might still need time

Richie: but you’d wait?

Bill: Yea, easy. As long as it takes

* * *

266.

[Images: A black-and-white farmhouse on a rural street corner.]

Zillow | Save | Share | More

**$83,000** — 4 bd | 2 ba | 2,100 sqft

28 Quarry St, Castle Rock, ME 04411

For sale | Zestimate: $66,905

**Est. payment:** $384/mo $ Get pre-qualified

Contact Agent

* * *

267.

Jessica Hanlon’s phone, Tuesday.

Jessica: Oh, he’s amazing...there are lovely pictures online! 💘

Monica 💐💛: I’ll have to look at those!!

December 1, 6:30 PM

Monica 💐💛: Saw your listing go up today! Congratulations Ms J!

Jessica: Thank you honey…big relief to have that crossed off! 💗

Monica 💐💛: And the farm’s already been bought, right?

Jessica: Yes it has…little Jeanine has been the foreman for so long, I know she’ll take wonderful care of it...Will would have been very happy 💖💘

Monica 💐💛: Oh, she’s a star.

Monica 💐💛: Well, come by for a celebratory coffee cake sometime. You and Mike both!

Jessica: Don’t have to ask me twice…💕

Monica 💐💛: Selling a home is just so much work!

Jessica: It certainly is...we were doing the final touches right up until the realtor came by to take indoor photos…Michael just got the last things down from the attic this morning 💞💘

Monica 💐💛: Oh, I’m glad he got to that after all.

Jessica: So am I…there was finally no other chore to put it off with 😍

Jessica: Now that it’s all out and organized though, I don’t think he knows what to do with it...I won’t have the room at Vicky’s place…we could put it in the storage locker, but that doesn’t feel right 💗💖

Monica 💐💛: It really feels like it should be with him, doesn’t it?

Monica 💐💛: With Mikey.

Jessica: Yes, I think it does...💝

Monica 💐💛: I suppose he has time to decide. Will he be staying through the holidays?

Jessica: I don’t know… he was going to stay till the house was ready for sale, but now he’s thinking he should stay until it’s sold 💞💗

* * *

268.

Jessica Hanlon’s phone.

Monica 💐💛: Could be a long time!

Jessica: I know... I worry a little 😢💙

Monica 💐💛: What do you think that’s about? Is he still grieving too much to go back? Is he worried about you?

Jessica: He is always worried about me, ha ha ha! 💓💞💕

Jessica: He’s still a little sad and a little quiet, but he’s not so gray anymore… he’s been writing a lot! 💖

Monica 💐💛: Oh, that’s lovely ❤️

Jessica: I think he really does want to go back…I keep catching him making cow eyes at some photo on his phone.

Monica 💐💛: Gosh, I wonder who that could be of.

Jessica: You’re a regular psychic, Madam Monica…💗💝

Jessica: There’s just something keeping him here…just something 💔

Monica 💐💛: Maybe you ought to just ask. He always did tell you almost anything.

Jessica: I think I will, thank you…💕💘

Jessica: How are things over at your house? 🥰

Monica 💐💛: Oh, you won’t believe the wasp nest David found under the table in the shed. Empty, thankfully, but oh my word, it was so big I didn’t [cut off]

* * *

269.

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

my little cousin texted me after school all upset bc her best friend called her annoying...like obviously she is but @ stella from derry i’m coming 4 ur kneecaps

12:10 AM · Dec 2, 2020

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

remember when thomas narced on his own self at the doctor’s office bc they asked if he was allergic to anything and he was like “weed”

11:40 AM · Dec 2, 2020

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

my older sister [means well]: you know people say it’s a lot easier to be gay in college :)

me: sweats profusely

2:31 PM · Dec 2, 2020

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

model united nations at derry u this weekend….ready to fuck it* up

*my sleep schedule

5:54 PM · Dec 2, 2020

* * *

270.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday.

Richard Tozier: [cut off] cat likes u better than me?

Eddie: What I’ve just never had a cat

Richard Tozier: people live like that???

December 2, 11:49 AM

Eddie: Shit are we supposed to give feedback on their presentations today

Richard Tozier: we sure are!

Eddie: Fuck

Richard Tozier: what? did u forget?

Richard Tozier: oh my god. eddie, u have to let me bask in this.

Eddie: I’ve been distracted lately!

Richard Tozier: i remembered something u forgot.

Eddie: Don’t

Richard Tozier: do i get a medal? i want a medal

Eddie: For fucks sake

Richard Tozier: i’m never going to let this go. i’m drafting my diary entry as I speak

Eddie: Richie come on

Richard Tozier: oh

Richard Tozier: okay.

Richard Tozier: first of all, leave ur poor hangnails alone.

Richard Tozier: it’s not a big deal, okay? regular people forget to prepare for meetings all the time!

Eddie: I don’t!

Eddie: I don’t fuck up abotu this

Richard Tozier: small, fixable fuckup.

Richard Tozier: hey! meeting doesn’t start for five minutes, u let the kids talk amongst themselves for a few extra minutes after that, buy urself ten minutes to skim through and write down a few comments. easy breezy

Eddie: I can’t do that

Richard Tozier: lean into doing the bare minimum. i’ll even do my comments first so u have extra time to make notes. a little speed reading never killed anyone

Eddie: I literaly cannot do that

Richard Tozier: yes u can!

Eddie: No!

Richard Tozier: why not

Eddie: Because I have dyslexia you fucking goon

Richard Tozier: oh

Richard Tozier: how did i not know that?

Eddie: I don’t know I don’t tell you everyhing

* * *

271.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday.

Richard Tozier: still

Richard Tozier: anyway, it’s going to be fine. just be honest, apologize, and tell them you’ll send feedback tonight.

Eddie: Is that what you qould do

Richard Tozier: no, because i’m avoidant and dysfunctional, but i’m very comfortable letting u face the music 😘

Eddie: They’re going to think I’m an idiot

Richard Tozier: they are not

Richard Tozier: no explosions, no mocking, this one oversight will not make u become a bad professor, etc

Eddie: Do you want to have sex after this

Richard Tozier: uhhh yes

Eddie: Cool your office or mine

Richard Tozier: it’s broad daylight

Eddie: And?

Richard Tozier: isn’t ur apartment, like, five minutes off campus

Eddie: Well I clearly can’t afford to add extra commute time to my day

Richard Tozier: seriously??

December 2, 12:27 PM

Richard Tozier: mine.

* * *

272.

Thursday.

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

[Image: tfw no gf style meme. A woman labeled AP BIO is captioned “Babe! It’s 4pm, time for your achieve things!” and a deeply sad face is captioned “Yes honey”.]

10:29 AM · Dec 3, 2020

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

t-minus 26 hours until we board model un bus. the seat-sharing bloodbath has already begun.

me 🤝 thomas

we don’t have anything in common we’re just going to hold hands so we don’t lose each other during the battle

1:04 PM · Dec 3, 2020

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

update on the stella situation: she apologized and made a playlist. they’re friends again. i would not go back to middle school even if i got to k word jeff bezos

3:39 PM · Dec 3, 2020

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

my mom is on me to apply to schools in-state as if i am not surviving high school purely out of spite and my dream of escaping to boston to become a combat boot wearing doctor of mysterious gender

5:01 PM · Dec 3, 2020

* * *

273.

Mike’s phone, Thursday afternoon.

Ma: Well, he broke your heart…so if someone said that he may have earned it…💘

Ma: I like him fine now…💖💝

Mike: I figured that.

December 3, 10:54 AM

Mike: On my way back from Jeanine’s. If I stop at the store, do you need anything?

Ma: Thank you for doing that...and no, thank you 💓💖

Mike: Maybe I should just stay till the house is sold. There will be a lot of things to cart around like this. I don’t want you to over-exert yourself.

Ma: That’s sweet of you honey but it could be weeks...I promise I will not break my back 💗💘

Mike: What about when you need to move?

Ma: Well, I will tell you when that happens...you can drive right up here to carry boxes for me !

Ma: Be a little silly to be stuck here for that long just to save a few hours of driving 😍😍

Mike: I’m not stuck here! And I don’t need to be back at work in person for another month.

Ma: Maybe not...but miss your life back in Derry, don’t you? Your friends, your work, your house, your writer...💞💓

Mike: I don’t want to leave you alone just so I can go back to Friday night trivia.

Ma: I’ll just go tell Monica that you don’t think she’d look out for me, then…

Mike: Ma.

Ma: Or your cousins...or the ladies’ group…

Mike: Point taken.

Ma: I don’t want you to go back until you are ready...I just wondered if you might be already and might need permission 💝💓

Mike: What if I’m not?

Mike: Ready?

Ma: I won’t pretend to know what’s in your head, but you seem better...like the wound is healing 💗

Mike: To be honest, most of the time I feel better, but then it’ll take me by surprise. Like I just made it onto the beach and then I get pulled right back out into the water again.

Ma: Well, that’s not going to change…

Mike: If it always feels like this, how do people function?

Ma: Oh, that’s not what I meant to say….shoot...your father was so much better with these things than I am…

* * *

274.

Mike’s phone, Thursday.

Mike: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.

Mike: You are right. I do miss the other parts of my life. But I don’t know how well I’m managing this one thing, and if I add everything else back on, I don’t know what’ll happen.

Ma: What is it you’re scared of? 💓

Mike: I’ll do things wrong, I guess.

Mike: That I’ll go back and something will happen to you here because I’m gone. Or that if I go too early, part of me will still be back here, grieving, and I’ll ruin things because I’m not all there. If all of me stays back here, at least I know that won’t happen. I guess that’s stupid.

Ma: All right...well, give me a minute to think 💖💗💕💞

Mike: It’s okay.

Ma: Here’s how I see it...yes there are times in life when the best you can do is weather things…something terrible happens and you just have to dig in and try to stay in one piece...like how a pill bug curls up when you touch it 💝💘

Ma: When you protect yourself in a bad patch, that’s not wrong...you are doing what you need to do for that time. But you can’t stay like that forever...when you’re all curled up, you feel safe, but you can’t eat or grow or go about having a whole life the way you’re supposed to…

Ma: A pill bug doesn’t know the worst is over...it can guess, but it doesn’t know...it takes a risk...you get to decide when it’s time to uncurl, but you can’t wait to be sure that everything will be okay, because that time just won’t come 💖💗

Mike: Haha. I wish it would.

Ma: Don’t we all, honey…💕💓

Mike: Thanks, Ma.

Ma: Did I help ! Oh, that’s a relief 😍

Mike: You really did.

Mike: Are there still extra boxes in the garage?

* * *

275.

Mike’s phone, Friday.

uhaul.com

**Trucks & Trailers** | Storage Units

Pick Up Location*: Castle Rock, ME

Drop Off Location (Optional): Derry, ME

Pick Up Date*: 12/04/2020

**Get Rates**

\--

Mike: Are there still extra boxes in the garage?

Ma: Yes 💞

December 4, 3:27 PM

Ma: I can’t tell you that you’ll do everything right, but I know how we raised you and I know who you are, Michael Leroy...you are kind and thoughtful and you have a good head on your shoulders...💖💓💝💞💕💕💓

Mike: I love you.

Ma: I love you too… 💘💗

Mike: :)

\--

[Conversation with Bill Denbrough]

December 5, 3:34 PM

Mike: Are you working today?

* * *

276.

Friday.

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

my mom really checked my duffel bag this morning like i was going to have vodka in it or something. mother please i am a square. have you met me. i am sponged robert. i saw a cigarette in 9th grade and cried

9:12 AM · Dec 4, 2020

  
  


**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

thomas: it’s a two-hour drive out there. do you think they’ll cancel it in case of the weather

bro i sware to fuck. if u don’t stop harshing my mellow 

1:13 PM · Dec 4, 2020

  
  


**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

spotify dot com slash songs 2 stare out of the bus window 2 when ur on a mystical journey 2 be anthropomorphic germany and possibly flirt with other nerds

3:15 PM · Dec 4, 2020

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

this campus…..is so pretty...i had like one foot off the bus and these giant fluffy snowflakes started coming down...do i want to go here?????? or does my scandinavian blood simply have an instinctive response to this weather??????

4:59 PM · Dec 4, 2020

* * *

277.

Mike’s phone. Friday.

Mike: Are you working today?

Bill: Yea, I’m holed up in my office trying 2 finish these portfolio comments by 5 😔

Mike: Ok :)

Bill: Y do u ask?

December 4, 5:02 PM

Mike: Are you still in your office?

Bill: Yep but i just got done w everything.

Bill: Maybe I can call u?

Mike: Has it started snowing there yet?

Bill: I’ll check

Bill: U would not believe the asshole w a u-haul parked in the fire lane in front of Torrance

Mike: Well, I needed a way to bring back my dad’s old stuff, but it’s also kind of a convenient visual metaphor for the fact that I have baggage.

Bill: Oh my god

Bill: Hi

Bill: I see you

Mike: Yeah, I know :D

Mike: Are you just planning to look? Because you’re welcome to come down here and kiss me.

* * *

278.

Friday.

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

HAVE BEEN ON CAMPUS 5 MINS ALREADY SAW THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GAY COUPLE FLYING CINEMATICALLY INTO EACH OTHER’S ARMS

5:06 PM · Dec 04, 2020

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

me: i think people are exaggerating when they talk about how much easier it is to be gay in college than in high school

the two men smiling at each other on the steps of the english building like nothing is wrong in the world: [image: gif of Rihanna winking and gesturing magically at the camera]

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

oh my god….the short one put his scarf around the tall one’s neck…

[Image: cat with crying eyes and screaming mouth]

**antiviral content creator**

@mackwith3as

seeking tall scarf wearing gf so i can pull her down for kisses by the scarf ends plejfejfkjsgjdg plebjfjjepwigheihgoew pela-

5:17 PM · Dec 04, 2020

4 Likes

**self-narc** @tommycrunchwrap · Dec 04, 2020

Replying to @mackwith3as

mack is lying on the lobby floor in hysterics looking at the derry u admissions website

* * *

279.

Eddie’s phone. Saturday afternoon.

Mike: Hey, man! I’m back.

Eddie: In town?!

Mike: Physically and mentally, yeah.

Eddie: Glad you got in okay the roads are a nightmare

Mike: Well. I got in before the storm started.

Eddie: Like last night

Mike: Yes :)

Eddie: Just tell me Michael

Mike: I might have gone directly to Bill.

Eddie: Like his house wink emoji

Mike: I showed up outside his office.

Eddie: Drama

Mike: Sort of a too-much Mike move, but I was riding a wave.

Eddie: What do you mean too much

Eddie: Did it not go well

Mike: No, it went kind of spectacularly well, actually. I think he likes romantic gestures.

Eddie: I think he just really likes you

Mike: You do, huh.

Eddie: He asked about you a couple times with that concerned Prince Arthur face it was kind of cute

Mike: :)

Mike: So what have I missed with you? Anything exciting?

Eddie: When have I ever done anything exciting

Mike: Halloween, for starters.

Eddie: Ugh

Mike: How’s your “thing” with Richie?

Eddie: Don’t scare quotes me

Eddie: Are you sure you want to hear about this

Mike: Yeah, man. Tell me something that’s not about real estate.

* * *

280.

Eddie’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Eddie: Okay great honestly that’s a big relief because the only person I’ve really been able to talk to about this is Bev and she’s frying my brain

Mike: Elaborate.

Eddie: She just keeps harping on the date him thing

Mike: And you’re not interested in him that way?

Eddie: Well I mean it’s like he’s he’s he’s Richie you’ve met him

Mike: That’s ambiguous.

Eddie: He’s a pain in my ass but it’s not like that matters

Mike: Right, you’re a conscientious objector to romance as a whole.

Eddie: Yeah and you actually get that

Eddie: Like sometimes you have to focus not everything has to be a part of your life if you limit things you can do what you care about well et cetera et cetera

Eddie: We’ve talked about this

Mike: I guess so.

Eddie: Not everyone is built to do everything

Mike: I certainly don’t think happiness is contingent upon a romantic relationship. If you’re really not interested in one.

Eddie: Fucking thank you obviously I love Ben and Bev but they’re in that blissfully married people bubble you know like how could anybody not want this

Mike: You know there’s a middle ground between single forever and married, right?

Eddie: Whatever how’s Bill

Mike: Naked :)

Eddie: Oh my god Mike

Eddie: I was going to say I’m happy for you but now I don’t think I want to anymore

Mike: Thanks! I am too :D

* * *

281.

Bev’s phone, Monday evening.

Husband: Home soon? 🏠

Bev: yes! sorry, I got caught up here.

Husband: That’s okay! Finals gets the best of us all.

Bev: hahahahaha right. finals

Husband: Is that not what you’re doing?

Bev: I meant to! and then I got caught up working on this project for Patty.

Husband: bee.

Bev: but it’s so much more FUN.

Husband: Stella’s dress?

Bev: yep, still sketching. she really is a tough cookie.

Husband: I thought she liked one from the first batch! 👗💃

Bev: she said she did, but I could tell it wasn’t the ONE. so I’m looking at her Pinterest board again.

Husband: And you’re sure you’re not procrastinating 👀

Bev: it’s very important that dresses are the one, Benjamin. you remember when I was shopping for my wedding dress.

Husband: I remember you made it yourself!

Bev: it’s not my fault people don’t know how to make things.

Bev: oh my god, do you remember what the woman from the waltz class said about me.

Bev: “you certainly like to be in charge”

Husband: She was kind of right in the end! Our first dance worked a lot better with you leading 💍💏

Bev: true. aww now I’m on our Pinterest board again. you were so into rustic twine. lol

Husband: The trends got to me 😔🧶

Husband: I absolutely stand by my light fixture choices, though!

Bev: oh, me too. I think we actually used a lot of this when we decorated the house.

Bev: wait.

Bev: wait.

Husband: 🎶 Your call will be connected with the next available representative 🎶

Bev: when was the last time I told you you’re a genius?

Husband: Breakfast this morning? 🍳

Bev: you have outdone yourself. you are the smartest man alive. I will be home in twenty and I am going to take you apart like a large dog with a small rawhide bone

Husband: 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

* * *

282.

Richie’s phone. Wednesday afternoon.

Richie: sup

Professor Doctor: Grading sorry

Richie: sucks. me too

Professor Doctor: Then why are you texting me

Richie: because it’s boring?

Professor Doctor: God yeah I hate this part of the job

Richie: i know that i started it but i think it’s kind of funny that ur the king of judgment and crunching numbers and even u hate grading

Professor Doctor: No I mean teaching in general

Richie: really? always??

Professor Doctor: I’ve told you this before

Richie: everyone says it sometimes? i guess i assumed u were joking.

Professor Doctor: I mean things when I say them

Richie: u don’t think it’s fun or rewarding at all? u don’t relish the look on their little faces when they finally understand something? 👶🏻

Professor Doctor: If I had it my way I would never teach another class ever again

Richie: that’s like half the job, man!

Professor Doctor: Well it’s the half I’m not very good at

Professor Doctor: Everyone has their things

Richie: why’d u become a professor if u hate it so much?

Professor Doctor: I had questions to answer

Professor Doctor: That’s the payoff you know you do all the bureaucratic shit and then you actually get to run the experiments that might matter to someone or something

Richie: ah, but without the teaching part, ur gonna be the only one running the experiments.

Professor Doctor: Someone else who’s more encouraging or whatever can be in charge of that

Professor Doctor: Like this weekend the research and sharing knowledge and shit that’s what I signed up for

Professor Doctor: Didn’t you

Richie: kind of, i guess. i had big shiny ideas like every other 20-something in the world, but now i think i’m better at the teaching part. that’s my half, u know. “everyone has their things”

Professor Doctor: You’re weird

Richie: u find that sexy 😏

Professor Doctor: When did I ever say that

Richie: baby, u didn’t have to.

Professor Doctor: I’m outside

Richie: slutty

Professor Doctor: It’s called time management

* * *




Betty’s phone, roughly 4am on Friday.

Chat title: simps n spouses

Kool Aid: WEE WOO WEE WOO ROAD TRIP ROAD TRIP

LOML: Road trip!!

Betty: bleurgh

Kool Aid: Bets and Hans Im right outside

Kool Aid: Don Im coming to you next!

Betty: how are u this chipper rn :/

Kool Aid: Its a beautiful day!

Donathan: It’s so early, Ade. It’s so fucking early

LOML: Grumpy Don is my new favorite child.

Donathan: ☹️☹️☹️

Betty: does anyone have the schedule?

Kool Aid: Me (3pm, 8B) and Don (4:10pm, 2A) are today. Bets (11am, 3C) and EK (3:45pm, 8C) are tomorrow. Richie (1pm, 4B) is on Sunday but we should get there early bc everyones going to go to that.

Donathan: Impressive.

Kool Aid: Ive looked at the schedule maybe too much!

Betty: why did i agree to acknowledge that this time of day exists

Kool Aid: Bow to the resume gods and suck it up bitch!! Now get out here

Donathan: How are you this perky?

Kool Aid: Not perky. Energetic.

Betty: cold brew

Kool Aid: Yeah absolutely

LOML: Love you all but I hope you know I’m only going to sneak in for Bets’s thing.

Donathan: Completely understandable

Kool Aid: You’re going out with us tomorrow though right?

LOML: Duh

Betty: we’re coming stop honking

Kool Aid: I refuse to let any disasters happen this weekend!

Betty: it’s a psych conference. what disasters r u expecting

* * *

284.

Eddie’s phone, early Friday afternoon.

Eddie: [cut off] not count

Richard Tozier: 3.5, cradle-robber!

Eddie: Do you have time for this argument because I don’t

Richard Tozier: my young mind is more agile than urs, i guess!

Eddie: Fine I’ll just take care of myself

Richard Tozier: door’s open, let urself in!

December 10, 12:01 AM

Richard Tozier: u get home okay?

Eddie: Yeah

December 11, 12:24 PM

Richard Tozier: hey, have u gotten ur badge yet?

Eddie: In line right now why

Richard Tozier: could u grab mine?

Eddie: Is thre a reason you can’t do it?

Richard Tozier: avoiding someone

Eddie: I forced myself to interact with my old coworkers. You can do it too

Richard Tozier: get off ur high horse, dude. i’m not afraid of my coworkers.

Eddie: Who is it then

Richard Tozier: imagine that u watch a twelve-inning baseball game and only at the end of the game do u realize the ball was actually ur heart

Richard Tozier: that guy

Eddie: Solid baseball analogy

Richard Tozier: thanks. get my badge for me?

Eddie: Fine

Eddie: You know people always say heart when they mean brain

Eddie: He would have been playing with your limbic system more than anything

Richard Tozier: you are so yourself all the time.

Eddie: Are you making fun of me

Richard Tozier: no, i’m not.

* * *

285.

Betty’s phone, Friday afternoon.

Chat title: simps n spouses

Betty: we’re on the same floor as EK

Kool Aid: Its like were on a chaperoned field trip lmao

LOML: Is that not what a conference is?

December 11, 2:55 PM

Donathan: You’re gonna do great!!!

Kool Aid: Can you guys tell how sweaty I am. Im so sweaty.

Kool Aid: Like can you see pit stains?

Betty: no pit stains

Donathan: You look very put-together.

Betty: regretting the last coffee, huh, bud?

LOML: Lizzy are you being unhelpful?

Betty: wouldn’t dream of it hope ur enjoying ur art sweetie

LOML: I am! Good luck, Adrian!!!

Kool Aid: Thank you. I do regret it by the way. I can feel my whole body vibrating

\--

[Conversation with Kool Aid]

Betty: for don hagarty those are the same thing

December 11, 4:03 PM

Kool Aid: Hurry up Im saving you a seat

Kool Aid: He just gave me a little thumbs up and Im going to fucking die

Betty: u gonna make a move this weekend big boye

Kool Aid: Jesus I dunno!! Maybe!! But if it goes poorly we have that whole drive back to Maine. And also I can’t have sex with him because were sharing a room with you guys and also I’ve had the coffee shits all day. Oh my god he did the thumbs up again and Im having heart palpitations I LOVE HIM

Betty: okay well

Betty: i don’t think it’ll go poorly

Betty: i don’t wanna hear about ur sex life or ur shits

Betty: & do u mean that like love or Love

Kool Aid: Elizabeth Silver Surfer Ripsom I fucking do not know!

Kool Aid: Maybe I will talk to him this weekend. If there’s like a good quiet moment. I dont want him to think Im joking or just being effusive or whatever. Maybe if the planets align tomorrow night?!

Betty: i would support that plan and i believe in u

* * *

286.

Betty’s phone, Saturday morning and afternoon.

LOML: Do you think I actually pass as an Adrian?

Betty: just like slouch a little and think about golden girls and i can’t even tell u apart

LOML: Don is so twitchy about committing fraud. He called me Hannah and then got all nervous and was really loudly like “sorry, I meant ADRIAN.” Nobody else was even there. What a doofus

Betty: he’s so good. babby angle

LOML: Me, reaching up to pat him on the head: I love you so much. You need to live a little

Betty: oh my god. where did i tell u i put the usb with my ppt this morning.

LOML: Your right blazer pocket but from the inside so it wouldn’t fall out.

Betty: I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU

LOML: Adrian and Don are going to lunch together right after this. Do you want to make out for half an hour before I have to go meet Matteo?

Betty: [Image: a kitten propped on a grapefruit screaming]

LOML: 😇

\--

Chat title: simps n spouses

December 12, 4:48 PM

Betty: i always forget how good he is at that lmao

Donathan: You’re texting in the middle of the audience at a conference? Is nothing sacred to you?

Betty: how am i supposed to care about the other presentations after that, don juan???

Kool Aid: You can tell everyone else here is a little mad theyre on a panel with EK lmao

Kool Aid: He makes them look like amateur hour

Donathan: I thought the Houskamp one was interesting!

Betty: oh, it was. it was great. EK is just special like that

Kool Aid: Came out of the womb lecturing with a laser pointer.

Donathan: That must have been uncomfortable for his mother.

Betty: adrian do u have the don has jokes meme!!

Kool Aid: Yeah but its on the cloud so I can’t send it rn 😭😭😭

* * *

287.

Richie’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Ahmed (Lab): Okay. Thanks, bro.

Richie: bring me crab rangoons as payment?

Ahmed (Lab): I can do that!

December 12, 2:30 PM

Richie: hey, great job, man.

Ahmed (Lab): Thank you for coming! I was a bit nervous about taking up for you, so that’s a relief to hear.

Richie: you totally killed it.

Ahmed (Lab): Thanks, bro!

Ahmed (Lab): By the way, I ran into Connor Bowers at lunch. He said to tell you hello if I saw you.

Richie: hahahahaha of course he did! of course he did.

Ahmed (Lab): Interesting guy.

Richie: so how’s everything in boston?

Ahmed (Lab): Not bad, but different.

Ahmed (Lab): Next time you’re in town, you have to let all of us take you out and catch up. Sans Steve!

Richie: yeah, i’d love to. as long as people don’t resent me for leaving haha

Ahmed (Lab): No! We might resent you a little bit for being the golden boy, but that’s nothing personal.

Richie: the golden boy??

Ahmed (Lab): Yeah, you know Steve. The new Gray.

Richie: i’m the new gray???

Ahmed (Lab): Yeah, man, he talks about you like you shit diamonds! Everything is “well, the way Rick used to do it...”

Richie: well

Richie: that’s nice of him

Richie: also, sorry. that sucks

Ahmed (Lab): It’s not your fault! The offer for drinks in Boston is still always open.

* * *

288.

Eddie’s phone, Saturday evening.

Richard Tozier: [cut off] nice of u to go to all of them!

Eddie: Anyone would

Richard Tozier: i’m gonna go hit up coffee hour

Eddie: Tell me if there’s bagels

December 12, 5:08 PM

Richard Tozier: a fine job, dr kaspbrak.

Eddie: Thanks Tozier

Richard Tozier: how did u make that that interesting???

Eddie: It’s interesting by itself I just make the slideshow

Richard Tozier: nah, that’s definitely a unique talent.

Eddie: Well thanks

Eddie: I really enjoyed doing it

Richard Tozier: ur in a great mood, aren’t u?

Eddie: I think I am

Eddie: Are you not

Richard Tozier: nor sure. weird day, lots of conflicting signals. not important

Richard Tozier: anyway, buy u a drink, hot stuff?

Eddie: Are you sure it’s a good idea for us to go out

Richard Tozier: what, because i present tomorrow?

Eddie: sure yeah

Richard Tozier: all the more reason to start right now. time the hangover right.

Eddie: That is such frat boy logic

Richard Tozier: i’m kidding, man. it’s five pm. u can have like a root beer or something. it’s completely up to u

Eddie: Um you know what yeah why the fuck not

Richard Tozier: where do u wanna meet?

Eddie: Elevators in lobby question mark

Eddie: But give me half an hour I had to go on a walk I always have a lot of energy after presenting

Richard Tozier: cute

Richard Tozier: tell u what. i’ll just meet u wherever u are right now

Eddie: You sure

Eddie: It’s cold there are closer places

Richard Tozier: imagine that the worst ex u have is inside the hotel

Eddie: I would really rather not

Richard Tozier: so u understand my need to get out

Eddie: Well as long as this is about some other guy

Eddie: Haha

* * *

289.

Betty’s phone, Saturday evening.

Chat title: simps n spouses

December 12, 6:09 PM

Donathan: Congratulations on the good work, y’all. Let’s get “crunk”!

Bets: are u playing up the old man thing because u know it’s cute?

Don: The what thing?

LOML: I could weep.

Kool Aid: [Image: a screenshot of Google maps showing a bar]

Kool Aid: Good deals before ten and its close enough we could walk back and change before Hannahs friends thing at midnight.

Betty: i love u man starring paul rudd and jason segel

LOML: Food first then we meet there at like 7:30-8?

Donathan: Sounds good to me!

* * *

290.

Eddie’s phone.

December 12, 7:03 PM

Richard Tozier: i’m closing the tab so we can go get pizza in ur body mr. lightweight

Eddie: Out for dinner against rules :(

Richard Tozier: u still wanna do that thing u insisted on whispering into my ear in front of god and everyone?

Eddie: Yes :)

Richard Tozier: then we have to out for dinner or neither of our dicks will work

Richard Tozier: meet me in front i have ur jacket

* * *

291.

Betty’s phone, ~8PM Saturday.

Conversation with LOML.

LOML: He doesn’t have a response he just kind of bowed his head and did prayer hands

LOML: What time should I get back?

Betty: don’t rush anything! we’ll be in ek’s panel until 5ish

LOML: You wanna go to the Ethiopian place around the corner for dinner?

Betty: YEEES

December 12, 8:51 PM

LOML: My god, the melodrama.

Betty: tell me about it.

LOML: As you guys were leaving, Don plunked his head to the table and said [pained] “his butt is so cuuuute.”

Betty: guess why adrian picked those jeans? 🙃

LOML: Oh boy. What exactly is the holdup?

Betty: some asshole ordered three mojitos

LOML: No, I mean with A+D. It’s been like a year. They’ve both told both of us. Surely on some level they have to know it’s mutual.

Betty: i mean, u remember when we were in high school individually hemming n hawing abt whether or not “practice kissing” was platonic. pining kills brain cells.

Betty: but we CANNOT interfere

LOML: Yeah, you’re right. It has to happen when it’s meant to happen

LOML: ~*~*~They have to make the choice~*~*~

Betty: honestly yea

Betty: that said if there’s ANY opportunity for them to be alone together tonight we have to be ready to ditch

LOML: Obviously

LOML: We married each other for looks and brains

* * *

292.

Eddie’s phone. Saturday.

December 12, 8:19 PM

Eddie: U want another 1

Richard Tozier: yes pls

Eddie: K

December 12, 8:48 PM

Richard Tozier: this bartender is flirting with me

Eddie: Is that my problem

Richard Tozier: is it

Eddie: On my way back

December 12, 9:02 PM

Eddie: [Image: photo taken with flash of Richie, in a baseball cap and flannel, looking crabby]

Richard Tozier: [Image: photo taken with flash of Eddie from below; his face is partially blocked by some kind of tableware]

December 12, 9:41 PM

Eddie: I cannot fufkin hear naymore

Richard Tozier: me either

Eddie: Stop doing. that to the b otle

Richard Tozier: stop looking atme like that then

Eddie: Like what

Eddie: Use a napkin for that!!!

Richard Tozier: sorry professor i’m just so clumsy

Eddie: U know how I feel about the hand s

Richard Tozier: oh my god

Richard Tozier: u win u win put ur foot bac down

Eddie: What’s my prize

Richard Tozier: whatever u want

Eddie: Go home with me

Richard Tozier: if u insist

Eddie: Ifyou want

Richard Tozier: eddie my love i want nothing more in the world

* * *

293.

Betty’s phone. Saturday.

Chat title: simps n spouses

December 12, 9:47 PM

Betty: hey a we’re gonna go after this hurry up

Kool Aid: Okay cool

Kool Aid: Hotel before show right

LOML: If you need!

Kool Aid: Yeah yeah ñ

Donathan: I could use a pit stop

Betty: h n me will just wait in the lobby !

\--

[Conversation with Donathan]

Donathan: [cut off] he just did really great.

Betty: i know, buddy.

Donathan: I feel like I need a nap.

Betty: well, u can’t have one because ur presenting in 15 but i could scratch ur head

Donathan: Is it weird that I actually kind of want you to do that?

Betty: that was a very serious offer

December 12, 9:54 PM

Donathan: Adrian says he wants to talk to me about something. Should I be nervous???

Betty: whatever it is is fine :)

\--

[Conversation with Kool Aid]

December 12, 10:01 PM

Betty: good luck man tell me if the wifey and i should go to this show by ourselves and give u 2 a lil space 💫🪐🌙

Kool Aid: Im gonna throw up

Betty: oh my god literally or

Kool Aid: Figuratively!!! Although I could use a mint tbh

Betty: there’s gum in my blazer pocket from today

Kool Aid: Love actually starring emma Thompson and some less important bitches!!!

* * *

294.

Betty’s phone. Saturday.

[Conversation with Kool Aid]

Kool Aid: Its not happening today.

Betty: what?? why??

Kool Aid: We...witnessed something

Betty: something bad???

Kool Aid: No!!!

Kool Aid: But also kind of yes

Kool Aid: It was like terrifying and a total mood killer

Kool Aid: But also like oddly sexy????

Kool Aid: But at the same time not at all.

Kool Aid: It was just like very surprising

Kool Aid: Although now that I think about it maybe not really that surprising

Kool Aid: But I cant tell you anything abt it

Betty: did it.

Betty: did it perhaps involve our lab dad.

Kool Aid: ...yes

Betty: was there maybe another person involved. in his physical proximity.

Kool Aid: ...yes

Betty: a person that u know well

Kool Aid: ...the words lab stepdad came to mind

\--

Chat title: simps n spouses

December 12, 10:15 PM

Betty: hannah, they know.

* * *

295.

Betty’s phone, Saturday.

Chat title: simps n spouses

Donathan: You guys knew???

Kool Aid: And you didnt tell me??

Kool Aid: I mean in terms of like personal ethics I get it but what the FUUUUCK

Betty: welcome to the secret circle, fuckers

LOML: I know this must be a lot to process

Donathan: Dr. T and Dr. K. Who would have guessed

Betty: please, donathan. you’ve seen them...however you’ve seen them. it’s richie and eddie now

Kool Aid: They were making out against EKs door

Kool Aid: It was so fucking WEIRDDDD

Donathan: I kind of think it makes sense?

Betty: i guess ek is cute if u like em short and loud

Donathan: Maybe I do

Kool Aid: Theres too much going on!!!!

Kool Aid: How long did you know

LOML: The day you guys threw that surprise party.

Betty: although probably before that based on...the looks of things

Donathan: That tracks

Kool Aid: What do we DO

Betty: say nothing. tell no one. try not to play detective. try not to picture the sex

LOML: HONEY

Kool Aid: TOO LATE

Betty: i think we just go to this thing and try to drown out the chaos with the comedic stylings of holden testicles

Kool Aid: Just go right back out? Knowing what I know???

Donathan: It does feel weird to just talk about it.

LOML: And you need a distraction!!

Betty: so. fight club rules. now let’s go drink the memory away

* * *

296.

Adrian’s phone. ~3AM on Sunday.

The Boy: Are you still awake?

Adrian: Yeah

The Boy: What did you want to talk to me about earlier?

Adrian: Oh

Adrian: I forget

Adrian: We should go to sleep

The Boy: Probably

The Boy: Goodnight, Ade.

The Boy: Love you.

Adrian: Love you too.

* * *

297.

Eddie’s phone. Sunday morning.

December 13, 8:27 AM

Eddie: Sorry

Richard Tozier: it’s okay! neither of us exactly checked our calendars last night

Eddie: Haha yeah

Richard Tozier: have fun with ur harvard buddies. go bulldogs or whatever

Eddie: I know you know the bulldogs are Yale

Richard Tozier: saw-ree monsieur edward of the house of fancypants

Richard Tozier: enjoy ur breakfast. i’ll talk to u later, right?

Eddie: Yeah I’ll see you at your panel

\--

Mike: [cut off] time? XD

Eddie: I could have hobbies

Mike: You could! YOu choose not to.

Eddie: Well I don’t need one

Mike: I still think you should get into building those little wire cars.

Eddie: Why would I do that when real cars exist

Mike: Because real cars are expensive :P

December 13, 8:46 AM

Eddie: Mike I fucked up

Eddie: I slept with him

Mike: You did that maybe four times last week, man :P

Eddie: No I mean I literally slept with him

Eddie: Same bed whole night

Eddie: I woke up to him drooling on my sternum

Mike: Okay, and how was that?

Eddie [draft]: It was fucking nice you dick what

Eddie: It was a bad idea Mike we hadn’t crossed that line yet and now I can’t take it back

Eddie: I had to make up some fake breakfast with imaginary Harvard friends so he’d leave so I could freak out

Eddie: Oh my god and we basically went on a date last night

Eddie: Those were pretty much the only two rules still intact

Mike: What rules?

December 13, 9:29 AM

Mike: Eddie, what rules??

* * *

298.

Richie’s phone, Sunday morning.

Richie: honestly, she probably liked it more than she said, but kids that age have to pretend to hate everything their parents like.

Stanislavski: That brings me no comfort. I still hate things I pretended to hate because of my parents.

Richie: ya cause ur fuckin stubborn.

December 13, 9:05 AM

Richie: our friendship hasn’t recovered enough for me to talk to u about eddie, has it?

Stanislavski: Our friendship has recovered wonderfully. I will just say things that you hate.

Richie: ur nothing if not fair.

\--

Richie: it’s never too late for anything, son.

Big Bill: If I can learn 2 give a blowjob I can learn 2 play Dungeons & Dragons!

Richie: that’s the spirit!

December 13, 9:35 AM

Richie: do u ever kiss someone with morning breath and feel very lucky to be alive

Big Bil: Does bad breath do it 4 u, Richard?

Richie: i’ve never woken up with eddie before!! it was a good moment!!

Big Bil: Wait, really? Never?

Richie: yeah he’s always had to go home before he falls asleep

Big Bil: Y?

Richie: so i just wake up spooning my pillow like some kind of renee zellweger character

Richie: don’t know, didn’t ask

Big Bil: I’m saying this out of love for u as a friend. That’s sorta weird and sad

Richie: fuck u! i’m trying to express that i had a nice morning! i woke up and he was running his fingertips over my back and his fucking eyelashes were all mooshed out of order and my little heart stopped!

Big Bil: Hey Mike rocked my world so hard last night that I’m icing my back right now

Richie: gross

Big Bil: Yea so was yours

Richie: 🖕

Big Bil: U should probably ask him why

Richie: u should probably go fuck ur boyfriend

Big Bil: I might!

Richie: that comeback sounded snappier in my head

* * *

299.

Eddie’s phone, early afternoon, Sunday.

Richard Tozier: intel: lunch today actually doesn’t suck. bagel sandwiches but some of the bagels are poppyseed or everything. ur welcome

Eddie: Big breakfast I’ll probably skip

Richard Tozier: ur loss

Richard Tozier: holy shit.

Eddie: What

Richard Tozier: found one of ur old postdoc buds and my GOD he is such a douche

Eddie: Which one? Yale is all do chess.

Eddie: Douches

Richard Tozier: he insists on being called moose?

Eddie: Oh that guy sucked

Eddie: We shared an office for a while

Richie: edward.

Richie: does moose have dirt on you??

Eddie: No

Richie: MOOSE IS MY NEW BEST FRIEND

Richie: eddie lore, here we come!

Eddie: What the fuck does that mean

Eddie: Richie?

Eddie: Good luck at your panel [Read]

* * *

300.

Betty’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Kool Aid: [cut off] now will you please pretend to be a mortal

Betty: a bring me some too

Kool Aid: I only have two hands!

Betty: DON DOESN’T EVEN NEED COFFEE THE MAN DOESN’T EXPERIENCE HANGOVERS

December 13, 12:53 PM

Betty: is it mean if i say his bangs look kind of sweaty lol

Donathan: Yes.

Kool Aid: I see it. To be fair the man had a busy night.

Donathan: Guys.

Betty: u right u right

Betty: professors: they sweat before presentations! just like us!

Kool Aid: If Richard Tozier of all people is nervous about public speaking Ill give you my car

Betty: i’ll take that bet!

Kool Aid: Enjoy learning to drive stick lmao

December 13, 1:04 PM

Betty: there he is! back row.

Donathan: I think I can count on one hand the number of times Dr. K has been late to something.

Kool Aid: Being in the same room as them both is a very pop rocks soda feeling rn

Betty: mood

December 13, 2:04 PM

Betty: well u owe me ur car

Kool Aid: Was it THAT bad.

Betty: yes

Donathan: Pretty much.

Donathan: I’ve never seen him that obviously off-balance. Not even when EK was actively being an ass to him.

Betty: i thought maybe the formality was doing it and he’d bounce back when he started taking questions but. nope

Kool Aid: Maybe he’s just also hungover? “You’ll have to excuse me” sounds like academic hangover code

Donathan: Should one of us go check on him?

Betty: given how fast ek just dipped I think it’s being handled

* * *

301.

Richie’s phone. Sunday.

Professor Doctor: What happened up there

Richie: who cares? it’s over

Professor Doctor: I don’t wanna be an asshole but you know that was a mess. Is something wrong with you?

Richie: 🤙 ah yeah dr k’s patented not being an asshole technique 🤙

Professor Doctor: Fuck off I’m trying to ask if you’re okay

Richie: i’m fine. i was just distracted.

Professor Doctor: You melted down dude either don’t know your own research or you have appendicitis

Richie: thanks so much for the feedback 👍

Professor Doctor: Why are you being so fucking difficult right now

Richie: don’t pop an artery pretending to give a shit

Professor Doctor: I do give a shit

Professor Doctor: I mean your panel had a big audience it’s going to reflect poorly on the department that should at least matter to you a little bit

Richie: it will shock you to learn that sometimes people think about things that aren’t the department

Professor Doctor: You know I’m sick of you treating your job like a fucking joke

Professor Doctor: Me giving a shit about my research isn’t an insult to you

Richie: and yet you get the insult across somehow

Professor Doctor: I’m not saying anything right now that’s not true!

Richie: i give a shit about my work, okay? being a goddamn human person doesn’t mean i dont give a shit about my work!

Professor Doctor: Yeah you give so much of a shit about it that you’ve been mindlessly running whatever protocol Covall hands you for almost a decade. You’re sleepwalking and it’s going to show eventually I mean it showed today

Professor Doctor: What is the point of being in this position if you refuse to care about what you could do with it

Richie: great! i’m sleepwalking, i’m a terrible researcher, i’m an idiot and an insult to the profession because i had trouble presenting the research that you think is so mindless in the middle of a panic attack. is that everything?

Richie: you’ve made ur point doctor now will u fucking leave me alone

Professor Doctor: Shit Richie

Professor Doctor: I’m not actually a monster why didn’t you tell me you were having a panic attack

Richie: i dunno!

Richie: why didn’t you tell me you were married?

* * *

302.

Professor Doctor: What the hell are you talking about

Richie: don’t do that, man. don’t try to lie to me. i’m not playing “who’s moira” with you. are you married or not?

Professor Doctor: How did you find out about Myra

Richie: THAT’S WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY RIGHT NOW?

Richie: THAT’S YOUR FIRST PASS?

Professor Doctor: You don’t know what you’re talking about

Professor Doctor: Where the fuck are you

Professor Doctor: We should have this conversation in person.

Richie: oh i’m good i don’t wanna look at you right now

Professor Doctor: God you piss me off send

Richie: jesus

Richie: you know there’s something wrong with you??

Richie: i mean, when were you planning to tell me? the hundredth time u slept with me? as like a fun anniversary gift?

Professor Doctor: What the hell

Richie: maybe the next time we fuck at work like i’m a lap warmer or something and i look over at your desk and see a picture of you on a cruise to fucking jamaica or something?

Professor Doctor: Would you stop

Richie: you could tell me a cute anecdote about your fucking wedding and your bitchy mother-in-law and then i could suck your dick under the desk while you talk to her on the phone about your six kids you probably have because apparently some ivy-league asshole named moose who you fucking hate knows more about you than i do

Richie: i mean, really you’d think i have a better nose for this shit but maybe i do bring it on myseld

Professor Doctor: Would you fucking shut up for once would you let me talk

Professor Doctor: You’re being purposefully obtuse you fuck anyone paying even a little bit of attention would know I’m not going home to some Stepford house with my goddamn kids I don’t have a single photo of Myra in my office I don’t wear a ring and I’ve never so much as mentioned my marriage to you because that’d be like showing you pictures of a car crash someone died in because I’m over a year into the world’s ugliest divorce and I don’t exactly want to talk about it with every single one of my idiot coworkers send send goddammit Siri why can’t you send the fucking text send send

Professor Doctor: Richie where are you

Professor Doctor: Rich come on

* * *

303.

Richie: well, shit. that’s a load off my back

Richie: i’m so glad i’m just your idiot coworker as opposed to, i don’t know, a person who might want to know that you’re married. for instance, a person you fucking kissed goodbye this morning

Professor Doctor: It wouldn’t have changed anything Jesus Myra has a boyfriend God knows she assumes I’m sleeping around

Professor Doctor: My marriage has nothing to do with you

Richie: how the hell does it have nothing to do with me??

Richie: do you hear yourself?!

Richie: “nothing to do with me.” i will chop your dick off

Richie: we had sex LAST NIGHT, you asshole

Professor Doctor: Right like you unload all your goddamn emotional baggage onto every guy who blows you in a bar bathroom

Richie: IT IS NOT BAGGAGE! IT IS A BASIC FACT ABOUT YOU, EDDIE!

Richie: A BASIC FACT THAT YOU DIDNT THINK YOU NEEDED TO TELL ME AT ANY POINT OVER THE FOUR FUCKING MONTHS WE’VE BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER!

Richie: I AM NOT SOME GUY YOU BLEW IN A BAR BATHROOM

Professor Doctor: Seeing each other?

Richie [draft]: haha yeah that sounds kinda 50s

Professor Doctor: Richie what did you think this was?

Richie [draft]: shit. shitshitshit

Richie: i dunno, dude. i was mostly following your lead

Professor Doctor: I don’t have a lead

Richie: well i’m not assuming anything

Professor Doctor: Rich we started sleeping together because we couldn’t stop arguing

Richie: sure, in august

Professor Doctor: I mean we we didn’t do anything but fuck and argue and eat takeout in the lab period send

Professor Doctor: Fuck I mean Rich I I I never stayed over I always left I didn’t fucking I never even let you see my house I let you talk for about ten seconds before I jumped you every time I I never touched you around our friends Richie why wouldn’t you say anything send

Richie: okay christ i’m an idiot i got it

Professor Doctor: No I’m just this doesn’t make sense

Richie: it probably doesn’t. i could find a way to humiliate myself in an empty room on mars haha

Professor Doctor: No that’s not what I mean send I just I don’t know what I did to make you think I shit cancel I mean why would you let somebody treat you like that if you really thought no fuck delete that delete delete don’t

Richie: habit

Professor Doctor: I’m sorry

Richie: don’t be.

Richie: you’re not saying anything that’s not true

Professor Doctor: For the love of God pick up


	5. Part 3 (posts 305-388)

305.

Eddie’s phone. Chat title: cat losers

Ben: [cut off] the amount of appetizers we have accumulated 😰🥟🍤

Mike: You know I’ve been looking forward to it since last year :D

Bill Denbrough: & I mean some1 has 2 be there 2 kiss Mike

Patty Blum: Oh that sounds so fun!! Count us in (barring babysitter emergencies!!) 🎉 🎉

Richard Tozier: i actually just happen to be flying back early, so why the hell not?

\--

Private texts with Richard Tozier.

Richard Tozier: happy ducking new years eduardo

Richard Tozier: u wre the cherry on a fuickng shitstupid year

Richard Tozier: altho i euss that’s bnnot all ur fault

Richard Tozier: and u know what mayeb u were right maybe i do pretedn my job doesn mayter and thats a fucking waste

Richard Tozier: i justwanted to say i’ mnnm

Richard Tozier: i’m not tbe only one oak i know i’m not becaus ei KNOW that u wrre invited to bev n bens and ur not here and i fuckign KNOW tha t ur sitting in ur house staring at a gran proposal on a ducking holiday

Richard Tozier: n i know that for u we’re were just fucing around n falling in lvoe with u was my own dtupid mistake n u never acted like my boyfrien d but u know what???? u didn’ act like someoen who wanted tobe alone either

Richard Tozier: people cant live with work wbere the rest of their lives sould be and ur not fjcking special enohvgh to be an excepgion

Richard Tozier: so if im sleepwalking throu hafl my life and ita gonna catch hp with me then welcome to the ducking club

Richard Tozier: i still dont wana see ur rat face because i dont lanna feel like thag anymore.

Richard Tozier: pappy new year

January 1, 6:20 AM

Eddie: Happy new year Richie

Richard Tozier: if you ever try to talk to me about this i will rip your nose off your face and eat it.

306.

Richie’s phone, the day of The Disaster.

Richie: ur nothing if not fair

December 13, 3:46 PM

Richie: hey u won

Stanislavski: Do I get a car? Will they come by my house for the giant check? What did I win?

Richie: u were right about the eddie thing.

Stanislavski: What happened?!

Richie: it blew up in my face!

Richie: got swept up in how i felt about him and ignored what are, in retrospect, incredibly obvious signs that he was not that serious about any of it. my signature move

Stanislavski: Richie, I’m so sorry.

Richie: don’t be! u called it! i just didn’t want to listen.

Stanislavski: Contrary to what you seem to believe, I hate seeing you get hurt.

Stanislavski: Are you okay?

Richie: just reeling from the heights of self-sabotage i managed to achieve 🤪🤙

Stanislavski: Are you okay and be honest this time.

Richie: i don’t know. yes? i’m not like a flight risk or something

Richie: it just sucked. it was ridiculous. i had to give my presentation to an audience including both eddie AND connor bowers. real greatest hits shit.

Stanislavski: He broke up with you before your panel?!

Richie: ah, but there was nothing to break up, stan the man.

Richie: but i couldn’t stop thinking about it and i fucked the panel up completely and then we had a big fight afterwards and for a minute i honestly thought about seeing if connor wanted to drag me up to his hotel room.

Stanislavski: Richie.

Richie: i didn’t!

Richie: i guess i’m not that much of a degenerate anymore

Stanislavski: You’re not a degenerate.

Richie: i just felt like lighting something on fire.

Stanislavski: Don’t do anything I would do.

Richie: no, it’s not like that, i promise

Richie: or. fucking connor would have been, i guess, but i’m already on my way to the airport.

Stanislavski: Okay. Shit.

Richie: today really filleted me like a fish.

307.

Eddie’s phone, the day of The Disaster.

Mike: What rules?

December 13, 9:29 AM

Mike: Eddie, what rules??

December 13, 4:08 PM

Eddie: The rules the rules about what we were doing they were supposed to keep everything okay

Mike: You guys wrote up rules about your relationship? >.>

Eddie: No I did

Mike: What the hell, man?

Eddie: Just the regular stuff you know don’t go on dates and don’t sleep over like he knows this shit everybody knows it

Mike: How is everybody else supposed to know when you yourself have to keep a list?

Eddie: I’m dysfunctional

Mike: Oh my god.

Eddie: I know it sounds kind of bad

Eddie: Shit I think it is bad

Eddie: I think it’s really bad

Mike: Yeah, I think it might be.

Eddie: Well it’s over it doesn’t matter right

Mike: Because he found out that you were playing by a rule book you never let him see?

Eddie: No he found out about Myra

Mike: You didn’t tell him about Myra???

Eddie: No I mean Myra’s my thing to deal with not anyone else’s and she’s not even really a part of my life

Eddie: It was supposed to be casual

Mike: I don’t really give a shit about casual. Don’t you think he had a right to decide whether he wanted to get involved with a guy who’s still technically married???

Mike: Do not even dream of saying it.

Eddie: Fuck

\--

December 13, 4:34 PM

Eddie: He had feelings for me. Richie

Bev: oh, Eds.

Eddie: I just didn’t even fucking know and now it’s over

Bev: so you felt the same way?

Eddie: What kind of a question is that

Bev: one that makes sense?

Eddie: No that’s not the problem I fucking did it to him too

Eddie: Ursula’s garden

Bev: I’m calling you.

308.

Bev’s phone, Saturday January 2nd.

Patty!!!!!: Bev, it is AMAZING!! I am in awe of you!!

Bev: those are just the muslins, too! wait until you see it in that fabric we picked out.

Bev: I’m so relieved you both like it. it felt kind of like introducing your prom date to your parents, you know?

Patty!!!!!: Oh, I did not have a date to prom.

Bev: I didn’t have parents at the time!!!

Patty!!!!!: Dark!!

Bev: LMAO

Patty!!!!!: It was so simple, though. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. I feel like a total airhead 🙄🙄

Bev: blame it on the patriarchy!!

Patty!!!!!: I will!!

Patty!!!!!: How many cool stepmom points do you think a Beverly Marsh original design gets me??

Bev: one million. it’s a highly exclusive label 😘

Bev: oh I meant to ask!! how are you settling in?

Patty!!!!!: Good!! I think!! I’m just enjoying the fact that I don’t have a commute when I want to French my fiancé 😂😂

Bev: easy access is very important

Patty!!!!!: Oh yes it is.

Patty!!!!!: It’s also just fun to watch the girls do stuff. Go about their mysterious tweenager business. I feel like I’m making a wildlife documentary.

Bev: the wild Esther sits on the stairs pretending not to eavesdrop on her older sister’s fitting. when the older lions pass, she camouflages herself by pretending to be taking selfies with the teddy bear filter.

Patty!!!!!: Oh my WORD 🤣🤣

Patty!!!!!: So. How is yours.

Bev: bitchy. yours?

Patty!!!!!: Same.

309.

Stella Uris’s phone. Sunday, January 3rd.

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : i don’t wanna go back to school 😒👩‍🏫📒

Stella: are you kidding me why

Stella: arent you sick of being home all the time watching dad and patty unpack all her fricking boxes

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : she has cool stuff! from like other countries

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : she showed me this lamp from egypt 🇪🇬💡🥁

Stella: ok koolaid drinker

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : i’m not allowed to have that?

Stella: no its like a phrase

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : i don’t get it

Stella: thats bc ur brain is a ping pong ball

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : i texted you to tell you something but now i don’t want to 😒🙄😷

Stella: no tell me

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : don’t want to your mean!

Stella: ill do your buns for tomorrow

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : they’re talking about uncle richie 👓🤫

Stella: and the guy?

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : kind of

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : daddy says uncle richie fought with his dad again

Stella: richie doesnt fight people lol

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : daddy said so!!

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : he came back early from christmas because of it 🎄

Stella: grownups can just leave when theyre pissed off

Stella: i cant wait till i can drive

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : bad word 👎🐥

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : NOW they’re talking about the boy

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : patty says bev says it was surprising

Stella: are those the exact words

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : ya. she says it sounds like too cazhooal is usually the opposite of eddie’s problem 🐙🍠🧞‍♀️

Stella: casual

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : ya

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : they’re talking about school again now 🙄🥱

Stella: is that all they said

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : daddy said he seems different than he did last time not better or worse maybe angrier 🗣

Stella: HAH

Stella: richie doesnt get mad

310.

Richie’s phone, Monday.

Robin: You don’t have to!!

Richie: well, i want to.

Robin: At least go to the ER so they can look at your hand first.

Richie: my hand is fine

January 4, 9:39 AM

Richie: i should have at least helped clean up the glass before i left.

Robin: Yeah, you think?? 😡

Richie: i’m sorry.

Robin: To whom and for what, Richard?

Richie: i’m sorry that we had a screaming match in front of you and also that i crushed one of your wine glasses.

Richie: and for leaving without saying goodbye to you.

Richie: my choice of words and tone re: wentworth were perhaps regrettable but ultimately i stand by them.

Robin: Accepted.

Robin: You haven’t talked to your father.

Richie: absolutely not

Robin: Are you planning to?

Richie: after an appropriate cooling-off period. like a couple of serial killers.

Robin: You could have just told us in the first place, honey.

Richie: would you have wanted to? really? gee whiz, dad, i sure am glad you asked about that boyfriend you like more than me. he actually proposed!

Richie: to his second secret boyfriend in pittsburgh.

Richie: at least blaming it on the derry job preserved some of my dignity

Robin: Well, I wish I could have offered some support. What he did to you was incredibly cruel!

Robin: And your father does not like Connor Bowers more than you.

Richie: not anymore. silver lining!

Robin: Kiddo 🥺

Richie: it was fucking humiliating. i mean, two years.

Robin: I would have probably committed a murder.

Richie: tempting!

Richie: but the jilted mistress thing is such a cliché.

Robin: Still could. My Zumba classes are keeping me in tip-top.

Richie: thanks, mom.

311.

Bev’s phone, Tuesday January 5th.

Kay: Heyyy.

Bev: hello madame! what’s up?

Kay: Nothing much! Just, you know, checking in for the new year.

Bev: uh-huh?

Kay: How’s the hubs?

Bev: delightful. got him a Star Wars LEGO set for Christmas. he’s been building for days. lol

Kay: Obligated to say you have a type.

Bev: you know, for YEARS I swore I didn’t, but here we are.

Bev: how’s Audra? I remember she was excited about a pilot?

Kay: Yeah, she’s great! They have a couple of network meetings or whatever set up for this spring.

Bev: that’s amazing!!!

Kay: Thanks! On her behalf!

Kay: So, how’s Ed?

Bev: ...what’s he doing?

Kay: I don’t know what you mean.

Bev: hahahahahahahaha

Kay: Okay, well, either he’s been coming in to work all break, or his car died in the Neibolt parking lot and he left it there.

Bev: ah.

Kay: I mean, he’s always kind of like this, but this seems extreme.

Bev: he’s had a hell of a month.

Kay: I came in to use the copier this morning and it was like I discovered a feral child. Or I was Will Smith in I Am Legend and he was the deer in that scene.

Bev: oh a pop culture reference!

Kay: Hollywood girlfriend!

Bev: nice

Bev: what was he… up to?

Kay: Clearing out a pile of takeout containers. Hunched over like a little goblin. I was startled.

Bev: pile? how many are we talking???

Kay: A sizable armful.

Bev: definitely more than one meal’s worth?

Kay: I’d say at least three or four.

Bev: shit.

Kay: I mean, at the very least, you know, ants.

Kay: I don’t know. I didn’t want to pry, but I’m getting flashbacks to the summer before last. You know, with the.

Bev: 😬. me too.

312.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday.

Bev: [cut off] well, you know I want to be there.

January 6, 11:46 AM

Bev: a little birdie told me your first lab meeting is today.

Bev: how are you feeling about that?

Eddie: Bev I’ll be fine I am fine we had an arrangement and it’s over and I already had my meltdown I don’t need coddling

Bev: coddling and caring aren’t the same thing, Edward!

Eddie: I don’t need to be cared for either

Bev: you’re in an office cave.

Eddie: I’m preparing for the upcoming semester you should try it

Bev: look me in the eyes, bitchypants. I’m a grown woman. if my therapy hours were a person, they could kick your therapy hours’s ass. I commuted on the subway for a decade. you can’t bully me into leaving you alone. I will bully you back and I will win

Eddie: I loathe you

Bev: that what you say in the mirror this morning, Captain Hatemyself?

Eddie: Our friendship should really come with a safe word

Bev: sorry, i was on a roll. lol

Bev: have you seen him at all since?

\--

Richie’s phone.

Richie: not even once!

Richie: no communication, nothing.

Stan Francisco: That’s...good?

Richie: i swing back and forth between relief and disappointment.

Richie: the idea of being in the same room with him makes me want to light myself on fire, but then on new year’s all i wanted was to chew the little man to bits.

Stan Francisco: You were riding the high of telling your father where and at what velocity he could shove his ideas about your love life.

Richie: god, yeah.

Richie: and then the workaholic bastard didn’t go!

Stan Francisco: Could be that he chose not to because he wasn’t ready to face you yet.

Richie: sincerely doubt he cares that much.

Richie: look i gotta get to this meeting

Stan Francisco: It doesn’t start for five minutes.

Richie: “five minutes early is on time. on time is late” -stan uris

Stan Francisco: If I made the rule, I can override it. What are you going to do?

Richie: be a consummate professional

313.

Don’s phone. Wednesday.

Adrian: She is SO cute 😭😭😭

Don: I trained her to bow, haha.

Adrian: DON…….

Adrian: If you do not send me a video now, today, immediately, our friendship is over, I shant see you,

Don: Check your snapchat!

Adrian: This is a perfect girl. She is so elegant. Tell her I love her

Adrian: I LOVE YOUUUUUUU

Don: I told her.

January 6, 10:56 AM

Adrian: Today!!!

Don: Today!

Don: Sorry I didn’t come back in time to hang out with you guys yesterday ☹️

Adrian: Ah but if we reunite in Neibolt I will blow out the windows with my scream and well probably get the rest of the day off!

Don: Should I be afraid of you?

Adrian: Depends what youre afraid of.

Adrian: Don’t worry, I would take the doctors out first. Haha

Don: I’m really excited to see you, Ade.

Adrian: Yeah, me too.

\--

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Bets: i! don’t! want! to! be! here!

Adrian: Suck it up buttercup

Don: I miss Kirby.

Bets: ur apartment allows pets why don’t u just bring her to live with u here

Don: I’m a grad student who lives by myself! I can’t care for her like she deserves.

Adrian: LAB DOG LAB DOG LAB DOG

Bets: lab labrador….

Don: She’s a cocker spaniel mix 🤔

Don: What do you think this meeting is gonna be like?

Adrian: So many options. Intense sexual tension. Drift compatible academic superstars. They can’t make eye contact at all.

Bets: money on 1 and 3

Adrian: Money on surprise return to outright loathing lmao

January 6, 1:02 PM

Don: You did this.

314.

DU Twitter, Wednesday January 6th.

**for the hope of it all 🌺**

@stillfeelaawake

spent all of winter break roasting marcela for thinking the dude she’s TAing for is kinda cute but i went to his office with her today and he put on his reading glasses to text his kid back. [reapplies clown shoes]

9:44 AM · Jan 6, 2021

**it was good shootin, Tex.**

@BiBevvy

[BANGS ON DOOR OF HOT LIBRARIAN UPDATES] BITCH WAKE UP HES BACK AND HE LOOKS AMAZING!!! HE GREW THE BEARD BACK OUT...HE LOOKS RADIANT...HIS SWEATER WAS LIKE VERY TIGHT ON HIM

11:03 AM · Jan 6, 2021

**becky’s scream dungeon**

@mxnsterhouse

My Bill D*nbrough class is literally called “Heart of Darkness: Horror and the Human Condition” & the man walked in today 5 mins late humming Norah Jones

12:39 PM · Jan 6, 2021

**(dmx voice) woof woof** @andrethegiant  · 5m

my boss last semester when i spilled an entire americano on his leg vs today when a dude called him by his first name

[image: side by side pictures of a chihuahua in a pink sweater. In the first, the dog looks at the camera with a friendly expression. In the second, the dog is snarling ferociously at something offscreen.]

**(dmx voice) woof woof** @andrethegiant  · 5m

Replying to @andrethegiant

someone come pick me up i’m scared

315.

Betty’s phone, Jan 6.

Donathan: You did this.

Kool Aid: I DIDNT MEAN FOR THIS TO COME TO PASS

Kool Aid: This is what Cassandra the priestess felt like

Betty: do u think the kids are traumatized

Kool Aid: I think IM traumatized.

Don: The undergrads will be fine.

Don: Probably.

Betty: texas-size yikes

Betty: andre’s tweeting about it lmao

Donathan: Oh geez.

Kool Aid: Whats he saying?

Betty: he appears to have been particularly struck by the “go ahead and call me dr tozier” moment

Kool Aid: Werent we all.

Betty: he did clock the fact that richie was polite to everyone but ek. however not knowing about the personal relationship bit limits his imagination somewhat. he also does not yet realize that ek is like a very very fragile hardass and therefore interprets his silent demeanor as a cold shoulder

Kool Aid: I mean was it not the cold shoulder?

Donathan: I don’t think so. He looked sad.

Betty: i’m gonna fucking die disease

Betty: OH M YGOD HE IS *LOSING* IT OVER “DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DISCUSS OR CAN WE END THIS MEETING? I HAVE HIGHER PRIORITIES TO ATTEND TO”

Kool Aid: I MEAN I LOST IT ABOUT THAT ALSO

Betty: and i quote “ARE YOU JUST ALLOWED TO SAY THAT SHIT??? IS THAT ADULTHOOD??? DO THEY GIVE YOU A RON SWANSON I CAN DO WHAT I WANT PERMIT WITH YOUR DOCTORATE???”

Donathan: We all know that perk unlocks at tenure track and it only works on students.

Kool Aid: Oh bitchy!

Donathan: Sorry!

Kool Aid: No I liked it

316.

Bill’s phone. Thursday.

Boyfriend Mike: [cut off] >:(

Boyfriend Mike: Sweater still smells like you, though.

Bill: ❤️

January 7, 3:28 PM

Bill: R we in a honeymoon phase? Am I twitterpated?

Boyfriend Mike: Interesting word choice.

Bill: It’s Richie’s

Boyfriend Mike: I don’t know. Probably a little, in the sense that it feels like we just started dating, but the real world encroached on us early.

Bill: I think R thinks every relationship ppl enjoy being in is a honeymoon phase

Boyfriend Mike: So you enjoy being in it?

Bill: I feel like I make that blindingly obvious

Boyfriend Mike: Yeah :))

Boyfriend Mike: So what’s he saying?

Bill: He was bitching about Eddie (sorry)

Bill: Every time they make eye contact it’s like all of the anger he’s suppressed over the yrs rises up to make him commit arson. Weird breakup

Boyfriend Mike: I can imagine.

Bill: Better than anyone, probably. W/ ur history

Boyfriend Mike: I mean, what Eddie and I had was very different from that.

Bill: I figured, but I dunno much abt it

Boyfriend Mike: It was intense. Start to finish, it lasted three months, but it felt like a few years’ worth of relationship.

Bill: What did happen? If u don’t mind me asking

Boyfriend Mike: Don’t judge me.

Bill: I won’t!

Boyfriend Mike: Well, he and Myra started separating the summer before last. He rented this little guy-getting-divorced apartment. We all helped him move into it, and I may have stayed the night.

317.

Bill’s phone.

Boyfriend Mike: [cut off] may have stayed the night

Bill: Same day??

Boyfriend Mike: Don’t judge me!!!

Bill: Sry continue!!!

Boyfriend Mike: I was really into him! We had been close for years and he was compact and kind of tortured! He kissed me first!

Bill: Oh my god. Is that ur type??

Bill: Do u like me bc I’m short & sad??

Boyfriend Mike: Only sometimes and among many other things!!! D:

Bill: Well, as long as u like me.

Boyfriend Mike: Quite a lot.

Bill: So u just fell into it right away?

Boyfriend Mike: Basically, yeah. We both should have seen the rebound disaster coming, but it really felt like it was supposed to happen—we were good friends, I’d had a crush on him but assumed it would never be anything, and then all it takes is his wife asking for a trial separation and he comes barreling out of the closet. Not to mention our closest friends were married to each other. If it had been right, it would have been like a fucking movie.

Bill: Sometimes it’s hard 2 tell what I rly want from what feels kind of predestined.

Boyfriend Mike: Exactly.

Bill: How’d it end?

Boyfriend Mike: Imploded. Myra was the one who wanted to split up, but as soon as it started it kind of felt like he left her for me. I really did love him, but the relationship wasn’t built to stand up under all that, you know? So we had a massive fight about moving in together and that was that.

Bill: Moving in 2gether after 3 months??

Boyfriend Mike: I’m too intense sometimes. You’ve met me. I’m a lot.

Bill: Ur the perfect amount.

318.

Adrian’s phone, Thursday.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Sister Wife: speaking of hope i’m ordering tapingo starbucks if anyone wants in

Adrian: PLEASE

January 7, 3:17 PM

Sister Wife: it was not just a bad mood.

Adrian: I have frostbite. My lips are blue.

The Boy: What happened?!

Sister Wife: r: [enters lab

e: i just have to wait for this drive to back up and then i’ll get out of ur hair

r: oh don’t start going to any trouble on MY behalf, but i can’t tell u how much it means that u told me

e: jesus christ

r: [somehow-hostile laughter]

Adrian: Like surely we cannot just go on like this

The Boy: It did seem to get better on its own last semester

Sister Wife: .

Sister Wife: oh my god.

Adrian: OH MY GOD

Sister Wife: i have to—i gotta get outta here. i gotta go do hard drugs

Adrian: So, what, the choice is to just cope with it or get them back together?? We have to parent trap them??

Sister Wife: roll it back lilo

Sister Wife: I think. instead. we like treat this like a workplace where we work. and we go and tell them that their assholery is affecting the work environment.

The Boy: Elizabeth Ripsom. I could cry.

Adrian: Not it.

The Boy: What?

Adrian: I do think its a good idea and I am not going to be the person to do that

Sister Wife: NOT IT

The Boy: Really? Couldn’t we just all do it together??

Sister Wife: no no no you see donathan you see you have a special bond with ek on account of being a third year

319.

Still Adrian’s phone.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Adrian: Agreed agreed a very special bond

Sister Wife: and ur supposed to talk to him about ur diss tomorrow so

The Boy: What kind of magical friendship do you guys think we formed in the year before you got here?

Sister Wife: i dunno i got to du and just like assumed u had it all together

Sister Wife: i mean i know now that ur a regular person but

Adrian: Hahahaha oh my god do you remember. Do you guys remember when I thought don was a narc.

The Boy: You what??

Adrian: This was before we bonded! I met you and you were like this pristine Southern boy who talked like Wesley from the Princess Bride so I was like surely there is something dark lurking in there.

The Boy: Oh my god.

The Boy: You’re telling me that when I was afraid you didn’t like me, you actually didn’t?

Adrian: You thought I didn’t like you???

The Boy: Yes! You (and Bets!) were so funny and quick and you kept giving me all these nicknames and I couldn’t tell if they were condescending or not.

Adrian: Baby no I just can never stop running my mouth

Don: I caught on eventually!

Sister Wife: excuse me? hi? don will u do it

The Boy: Talk to EK? I guess I can.

Sister Wife: we both owe u our lives!!!!!

320.

Adrian’s phone, Friday afternoon.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Sister Wife: good luck sacrificial lamb

Adrian: ~*~*~good luck~*~*~

January 8, 2:37 PM**

The Boy: Well, that was weird.

Sister Wife: What happened??

The Boy: Well. We talked about my diss, and then he asked if I had any other questions, and I said “I actually wanted to talk to you about something kind of personal,” and he said “is this about you and Adrian?”

Sister Wife: huh.

The Boy: I mean and then I said “excuse me because I didn’t know what he was saying and he backpedaled and said to forget about it and then I told him that I didn’t know what happened between him and Richie but it shouldn’t be affecting the rest of the lab and he apologized and said he’d take care of it and I left. So that was the whole meeting

Sister Wife: i mean, great job on the talk, dude!!! we rly appreciate it

**in the original image, this says “November 8” by mistake

\--

Private texts with Sister Wife.

Adrian: [cut off] FUCKING YEAH

Adrian: I mean not the burger part but they used to at least get those big things of assorted Lays and I would grab like four or five Doritos and just go to town

Sister Wife: go hard in the cool ranch paint

Adrian: Absolutely destroy them

Adrian: Do not laugh at my stomach rumble you started this!!!!

January 8, 2:46 PM

Sister Wife: i don’t want to put any pressure on u but i think maybe u should take this one

Adrian: Shit!!!! Okay!!!!

\--

Private texts with The Boy.

Adrian: [cut off] 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

The Boy: You don’t have to puppyeyes with me, I’ll just give them to you. Haha

Adrian: Thank you!!!!!!!!

The Boy: You ready for lunch?

Adrian: Yes I am ravenous how do you feel about Panda Express

The Boy: Panda Ex-yes!

Adrian: 😭😭😭

January 8, 2:48 PM

Adrian: Can I talk to you outside for a minute?

321.

Adrian’s phone, Friday afternoon.

Adrian: Do not laugh at my stomach rumble you started this!!!!

January 8, 2:46 PM

Sister Wife: i don’t want to put any pressure on u but i think maybe u should take this one

Adrian: Shit!!!! Okay!!!!

Sister Wife: good luck!!!

Sister Wife: keep me posted!!!

Sister Wife: rooting for u!!!

Sister Wife: ???

Sister Wife: good? bad? u have to move to switzerland right now immediately?

Sister Wife: OH

Sister Wife: OH GOOD FOR YOU

Sister Wife: NICELY DONE

Sister Wife: ALTHOUGH THE HANDS IN THE BACK POCKETS IS A LITTLE BIT 80S

Sister Wife: LITTLE FOOTLOOSE FOR THE NEIBOLT PARKING LOT BUT I RESPECT UR PROCESS

Adrian: Don says “tell Elizabeth she can’t tell me what to fucking do”

Adrian: 🥰

322.

Eddie’s phone, Friday afternoon.

Eddie: [cut off] Happy new year Richie

Richard Tozier: if you ever try to talk to me about this i will rip your nose off your face and eat it

January 8, 3:23 PM

Eddie: We need to talk.

Richard Tozier: is it an emergency?

Eddie: No

Richard Tozier: then why are you texting me about it

Eddie: But it’s important

Eddie: Are you serious

✓ Read

\--

Subject: Matter of concern

**Edward Kaspbrak** <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Jan 8th, 2021, 3:40 PM

Dr. Tozier,

I hope this email finds you well. It has come to my attention that the hostility between us is obvious to our coworkers and is negatively affecting the learning and working environment at the CALDER lab. I’m sure you understand how essential it is that we are able to put our personal issues aside at work. I am open to discussion about possible solutions.

Edward Kaspbrak

\--

**Richard Tozier**

to me  ˅

Jan 8th, 2021, 3:41 PM

Dr. Kaspbrak,

Fuck you!

Respectfully,

Dr. Tozier

323.

Eddie’s, Friday afternoon.

**Richard Tozier**

to me  ˅

Jan 8th, 2021, 3:43 PM

Dr. Kaspbrak,

Seriously,  _ you  _ can go ahead and be fucking vague if that’s what gets your rocks off, but you can’t professionalism me into playing nice with you right now. For that matter, I think it’s probably better if we don’t tiptoe around anything with each other anymore. Comme ça: if my “hostility” impairs your ability to do your job the way you want to, you probably should have thought of that earlier. August, maybe. Anytime between August and December.

Kiss my ass,

Dr. Tozier

\--

**Edward Kaspbrak**

to Richard  ˅

Jan 8th, 2021, 3:55 PM

Dr. Tozier,

This is not about what I want or how I feel. A student brought this issue to my attention in a private meeting. You know how much backbone it must take to tell your advisor that his personal problems are getting in the way of your own tasks. We are not the only people here. There has to be a way to manage this.

Edward Kaspbrak

\--

**Richard Tozier**

to me  ˅

Jan 8th, 2021, 4:01 PM

Dr. Kaspbrak,

“Manage”? What, am I just supposed to pack it away? I’m supposed to magically not feel burnt and humiliated every time we’re in the same room together? Making eye contact with you is like getting hit by a rollercoaster. I would pay money not to feel that way, but I’m not willing to act like it’s not happening. So, I don’t know. Manage it yourself.

Dr. Tozier

\--

[draft]

To: Richard Tozier ( [ rtozier@derry.edu ](mailto:rtozier@derry.edu) )

I am fucking trying to Richie goddam it I really wish you’d never met me

324.

Eddie’s, Friday afternoon.

**Edward Kaspbrak** <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Jan 8th, 2021, 4:14 PM

Dr. Tozier,

I know you’re angry with me. I’m not telling you you can’t or shouldn’t be. I cannot go back in time and un-fuck up. I am just trying not to fuck up everything else. But I am not inside your head, so tell me what to do and I’ll do it.

EK

\--

**Richard Tozier**

to me  ˅

Jan 8th, 2021, 4:22 PM

Dr. Kaspbrak,

I don’t know, man. I want to be left alone. I think that makes the most sense. Minimize opportunities to be hostile. Don’t act like we’re friends, don’t make small talk with me-- for the love of god, don’t call me Rich. When I’ve had enough space, I’ll start coolly acknowledging you, and you can stop sleeping with one eye open. Until then, let’s just not be in the same room if we don’t have to. Capiche?

Dr. Tozier

\--

**Edward Kaspbrak** <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Jan 8th, 2021, 4:25 PM

Dr. Tozier,

Lab meetings?

E

\--

**Richard Tozier**

to me  ˅

Jan 8th, 2021, 4:31 PM

Dr. Kaspbrak,

Don’t worry, Jekyll, I’m not going to budge you out of your own space. I’ll take the next couple meetings off. Tell them whatever. I can make up some other essential, recurring obligation on Wednesdays at noon. I’ll be back at meetings when I stop having vivid nightmares about your wife.

See you then,

Dr. Tozier

325.

Eddie’s phone.

January 8, 5:04 PM

Eddie: Fine

Bev: fine what?

Eddie: I feel like absolute shit

Bev: honey.

Bev: I’m sorry ❤️

Eddie: You shouldn’t be though I deserve it

Eddie: What kind of depraved idiot doesn’t tell someone they’re sleeping with that they’re married

Bev: you were doing what you thought was right at the time!

Eddie: Yeah so were the guys at fucking Chernobyl

Bev: what happened?

Eddie: One of my students came to me and said we had to tone it down

Bev: really???? lol

Eddie: Yes really apparently you can see whatever the fuck is happening between us from space

Eddie: He can’t even look at me Bev

Bev: repeat after me: this doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.

Bev: you made a mistake and you hurt someone. you didn’t do it on purpose.

Eddie: But it’s a pattern all right it’s a behavior

Eddie: And I should have known!

Eddie: I think I was starting to know and I just didn’t let myself realize because I wanted it to keep it

Bev: so you didn’t want things to end?

Eddie: You know what he said to me he said I didn’t act like I wanted to be alone

Bev: I mean, who does want that?

Eddie: But I should!

Bev: you can have relationships outside of life partnerships, saint Jerome. there’s more than one way to be connected to people.

Eddie: Do you think I try to put work where the rest of my life should be

Bev: honestly? I think you believe you can make things matter less by sheer force of will, and work is always allowed to matter, but your personal life only gets that privilege for two hours every full moon.

Eddie: Jesus

Eddie: I guess I just really hoped I was done feeling like this

Bev: what, heartbroken?

Eddie: Like a failure

326.

Richie’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Richie: you’ve told people to fuck off before

Stan Francisco: So have you.

Richie: yeah, the fuckin high school baseball team. weird dudes outside bars. not sincerely, not someone i care about

Richie: i.e., the great donald uris cagematch of 2011

Stan Francisco: Well, I was at my limit.

Richie: u were a star. ur a world leader in communicating how u feel

Stan Francisco: Hilarious.

Richie: i’m not fucking with u!

Stan Francisco: I sound like I’m being held at gunpoint when I tell my mother I love her.

Richie: and that’s very funny for me. but u can actually tell people when something is wrong

Stan Francisco: Sure, but sincere anger is easy. Would you rather have to look someone in the eyes and tell them that they’re pissing you off or that they…I don’t know, light up your life.

Richie: light up my life!

Stan Francisco: You can’t be serious.

Richie: people want to hear that shit! it’s like giving them free money

Stan Francisco: I don’t mean empty flattery, I mean something real. Choosing to show your soft underbelly. Horrific.

Richie: you’ve seen me naked. i’m all soft underbelly

Stan Francisco: Eugh.

Richie: but people say it’s cathartic, right?

Richie: just reaming somebody

Stan Francisco: A little, I guess.

Stan Francisco: I don’t do it because it feels good. I’m not an angry person.

Richie: i know ur not.

Stan Francisco: With my father, for instance, I just needed to offload. If I didn’t have to listen to him talk, I had more energy to spare for the second baby and the crumbling marriage. I needed that. Telling him to get out of my house freed up space for other things.

Richie: compress donald file for more room on hard drive

Stan Francisco: Yes.

Stan Francisco: I have to go; I’m watching Outlander with Patty.

Richie: wait, wait! one more thing

Stan Francisco: What?

Richie: u light up my life ❤️

327.

Richie, Sunday.

[mobile Google Chrome tab]

timeanddate.com

Richie Gets A Big Boy Lab

120 DAYS 04 HOURS 01 MINUTE 45 SECONDS

Time until Monday, May 10, 2021 (Derry time)

One hour wrong? Daylight Saving Time!

NOTE: Message provided by user.

Create your own countdown

\--

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LSA

Linguistic Society of America

Advancing the Scientific Study of Language since 1924

Search ->

Information about Fellowships, Grants, and Awards

Below is a list of opportunities of special interest to linguists as well as scholars in the social sciences, humanities, and related fields. For funding options related to international experiences, see our Abroad Options for [cut off]

\--

nsf.gov

National Science Foundation

WHERE DISCOVERIES BEGIN

Funding

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Division of Behavioral and Cognitive Sciences

Linguistics

Important Notice

The Linguistics program has its own solicitation for Doctoral Dissertation Research Improvement (DDRI) proposals. This solicitation may be accessed at:  [ http://www.nsf.gov/funding/pgm_summ.jsp?pims_id=505033&org=SBE&from=home ](http://www.nsf.gov/funding/pgm_summ.jsp?pims_id=505033&org=SBE&from=home) .

CONTACTS

[cut off]

\--

National Science Foundation

WHERE DISCOVERIES BEGIN

**LINGUISTICS RESEARCH GRANT PROPOSAL**

**Title:** Phonetic adjustments by medical care providers with mutual L1 patients

**Focus categories:** Phonetics, SL

**Keywords:** Medical English, something the fuck else—check 2012 stuff

**Duration:** f

**Federal funds requested:**

**Non-federal:**

**Principal investigators:** Richard Tozier, Derry University

**Statement of purpose:** make an effort, Richie.

328.

Bill’s phone, Sunday night.

Bev: [cut off] I stopped having hangups about being mean to people roughly two hours after us weekly broke it. lol

January 10, 7:16 PM

Bev: watching golden globes. Mike just said Audra is really beautiful. he sounded all crabby lmao

Bill: Rly? Haha

Bev: would I lie to you?

Bill: If u thought it would b fun

Bev: hahahahahahahaha

Bill: K looks good.

Bev: ugh doesn’t she?? I have so much game

—

Bill: Whoever owns Sally Hansen should be in prison

January 10, 7:27 PM

Bill: U jealous hot stuff?

Boyfriend Mike: What?

Bill: Ur much prettier than Audra

Boyfriend Mike: Is there a reason I’m supposed to be jealous of Audra?

Bill: Sry no

Bill: That was supposed 2 b a joke

Bill: Bev just texted me something, so

Bill: I’m just not very funny

Boyfriend Mike: Oh, right. Haha

Boyfriend Mike: No, it was funny.

Bill: Don’t humor me. It’ll get worse

Bill: So u don’t strike me as an awards show kind of guy.

Boyfriend Mike: I’m not. Bev just needs a captive audience, and Ben is out of town.

Bill: Right, I bet she knows a bunch of interesting stuff

Bill: Abt red carpets & things. Dresses?

Boyfriend Mike: She likes to guess designers.

Bill: U keep score? Run her designer batting avg?

Boyfriend Mike: I think Ben tallies her during the Oscars.

Bill: Maybe the Golden Globes r 2 easy bc more people wear off-the-rack

Boyfriend Mike: I honestly would not know.

Bill: Me either. U’ve seen my flannel uniform

Boyfriend Mike: You’re consistent.

Bill: So diplomatic.

Boyfriend Mike: I’m going to go back to watching, so I’ll talk to you tomorrow?

Bill: Right, sure, of course

Bill: Talk 2 u then

  1. Richie’s, Tuesday afternoon.



Kay: [cut off] Seriously. I’ve been using the one in student life upstairs.

Richie: ooo thanks for the tip

January 12, 12:05 PM

Richie: hey! how’s it going

Kay: I’m doing well! How are you?

Richie: great! good weekend?

Kay: Definitely, yes! I actually just got back.

Richie: i know, i’m trying to play it cool about the fact that you were at an awards show

Kay: Haha, so am I! I made eye contact with the woman who played Temple Grandin. I feel normal.

Richie: claire danes?

Kay: Maybe? 😂

Richie: 😂😂

Richie: well, to welcome you back to the world of the anti-famous, could i possibly ask a favor?

Kay: You can definitely ask!

Richie: wise.

Richie: it’s just that i’ve sat in on phd candidate interviews before, but i’ve never led one myself.

Richie: can i pick your brain for tips?

Kay: Oh, sure! Is Ed busy?

Richie: no idea! why do you ask

Kay: Haha! Now I can’t remember!

Kay: I’m heading out to Panda Express right now—come with me and we can chat over lunch?

Richie: that would be amazing, thank you. as long as it’s my treat.

Kay: Psh. It’s not a treat. It’s compensation for a working lunch 😉

Richie: i really appreciate it. I know they’re the ones getting vetted, but somehow i’m nervous

Kay: You have favorites already, huh?

Richie: ...yes

330.

Eddie’s phone, Tuesday evening.

Mike: [cut off] Racehorse culture is disturbing and confusing, but I don’t even know if it’s accurate for that. If a horse stops being able to do one thing, it’s not suddenly useless.

Eddie: Well good

Eddie: That was my question

Mike: Don’t listen to Seabiscuit next time.

January 12, 5:05 PM

Eddie: Hey man you good

Mike: Of course. Why?

Eddie: I just walked past you you looked like shit

Eddie: No offense

Mike: Jesus Christ, Eds.

Eddie: I mean you always are very good in the face but you look tired

Mike: I guess I am. My head’s kind of everywhere this week.

Eddie: Well that makes sense

Mike: The other night at Bev’s, she started talking about that label her friend works at that she really loves, and my brain just went static and I didn’t hear a word she said.

Eddie: I’m sure she understands

Mike: I hate making her feel like it’s not interesting. It’s really interesting.

Eddie: Don’t worry about that

Eddie: You know Bev if you hurt her feelings you’d hear about it

Mike: Great, I’ll stop being worried about it then.

Mike: I guess that’s usually true.

Eddie: Yeah yeah bad phrasing

Mike: I know it’s how everyone says it. Just crabby.

Mike: I should go. I’m meeting Bill for dinner.

Eddie: Oh okay

Eddie: Have fun

Eddie: ?

331.

Adrian’s phone, Wednesday afternoon.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Adrian: Kinda yeah

Sister Wife: totally. u have manual transmission face

Adrian: WOFJDIFJEID YEAH

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): How can that sentence possibly be comprehensible to you?!

Sister Wife: get out here and push!!!

January 22, 12:08 PM

Sister Wife: did we do that

Adrian: 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Richie had another meeting! I don’t think we have to worry about it.

Adrian: Come on thats obviously a cover story. This is definitely about the rancid vibes

Sister Wife: agree

Sister Wife: ek can’t lie for shit

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Damn. I really didn’t want this to happen ☹️

Adrian: Hey but things did get better! No terrified children! Major improvement

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): I don’t know. Did we do the right thing?

Sister Wife: TECHNICALLY u did it

Adrian: You have never done anything wrong ever in your life

Sister Wife: no, u set a boundary that needed to be set. not ur fault big guy

Adrian: Also you look very handsome in that shirt

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): This is your shirt?

Adrian: Yeah 😌

332.

Bill’s phone, Wednesday.

Bill: U got a check for 75c last month

Richie: big dividends, baby!!!

Richie: if god wanted me to have money, she wouldn’t have burdened me with this intellect

January 13, 5:42 PM

Richie: falcon wednesday 16oz deal with me

Richie: 🌝

Bill: Can’t!!

Richie: can!

Bill: Brainstorming!!

Richie: do i want to know?

Bill: Fixing my horrible mistake!!

Richie: this clarifies nothing

Bill: Mike hates me!!

Richie: ur boyfriend mike? he of very soft looking-at-bill eyes? he of the dramatic uhaul kiss?

Bill: Would u like 2 twist the knife farther!!

Richie: what happened?

Bill: I think he’s mad about this stupid joke I made on Sunday. He’s been weird all week

Bill: We had dinner plans yesterday & he barely spoke. I think I need 2 remove my liver??

Richie: one stupid joke does not the end of the relationship make. i should know. get a drink with me

Bill: Richard if I manage 2 fuck this up??? I will never get drinks with u again. I will never leave my house. I need 2 focus on whatever is wrong with me

Richie: [image: Chris Pratt as the dinosaur zookeeper in Jurassic Park, holding his arms out to calm the velociraptors]

Richie: u need me to bring over a weighted blanket, linda blair?

Bill: I am fine

Bill: !!!

Bill: I just have 2 plan an exceedingly romantic evening 4 tomorrow, best foot forward, this is why u liked me in the 1st place, etc etc

Bill: No distractions

Richie: u could always come plan at the falcon

Bill: I will remember this lack of empathy next time u r lovesick over some film-festival dude w a hairline u secretly envy

Richie: ...aight

333.

Mike’s phone, Wednesday.

Ma: [cut off] He looks just like you did in all those pictures from the wedding…! 💗💓

Mike: Nah, he’s too charismatic. Little man actually poses for the camera. I never would. :P

Ma: Oh boy, did we ever try! 💕💘

January 13, 7:41 PM

Ma: What time will you be here tomorrow? 💗💓💝

Mike: By six.

Mike: When you first suggested it, I thought this was the wrong time of year, but I think it’ll be beautiful.

Ma: I just had a feeling. 💞💖💘

  1. Thursday!



**Evvy 🎈🎈🎈**

@Evvobevvo

Tell me why my IEI supervisor is leading one of the other instructors through pranayama breathing exercises right now. Tahir my guy I’m glad ur a giver but class starts in two minutes and I still don’t know how the FUCKING projector works

9:56 AM · Jan 14, 2021

**frida 🔒**

@eudoh98

The fact that my DU interview is tomorrow morning + I lied to steve and said I had a dentist appointment + I might theoretically have to choose between derry and boston + I actually have to get into derry first for that to be a problem = 5D anxiety transcending time and space

3:10 PM · Jan 14, 2021

**razz 🔒**

@evil_vulcains

could fashion design majors BE anymore condescending oh my god..my roommate was like “is that a claiborne jacket” and i was like “yea” and she was like “hm! my professor is like best friends with their marketing director” just compliment me or shut the fuck up, beatrice

4:21 PM · Jan 14, 2021

**dj sobotka 💌✨**

@omophagos

the inherent thatsroughbuddy.gif of a man sitting on a curb holding flowers and checking his phone repeatedly

5:10 PM · Jan 14, 2021

5 Likes

**dj sobotka 💌✨** @omophagos  · 22m

Replying to @omophagos

1) outside library 2) yes the flowers are really nice 3) it has been ten mins and he’s still there

**dj sobotka 💌✨** @omophagos  · 1m

he JUST left and i need to go hug my boyfriend

335.

Mike’s phone, Thursday.

January 14, 5:02 PM

Bill: Hey! U still in gray?

Bill: & also, r u free this evening?

January 14, 5:23 PM

Bill: Just text me when u get off work!

January 14, 5:43 PM

Mike: I’m sorry, I was driving.

Bill: O, that’s ok!

Mike: And I’m not free, unfortunately.

Bill: OK! We can always do this 2moro or Saturday, if that’s better?

Mike: I’m actually out of town all weekend. I’m sorry.

Bill: No worries

Mike: I can talk right now, though, if it’s urgent?

Bill: No, don’t worry, it’s not a big important conversation 2 b had.

Bill: I just had an idea about how 2 make it up 2 u

Mike: Make what up?

Bill: U know, that dumb joke on Sunday.

Bill: I know jealousy is a touchy topic 4 u & IDK y I decided 2 make a joke about it. I’m sorry

Mike: Already forgiven.

Mike: I had actually completely forgotten about that.

Bill: Oh OK.

Bill: That’s a relief, I think

Mike: Good, I’m glad. That was sweet of you, though.

Mike: We’ll find a time next week, all right?

Bill: Sure thing!

Bill: Enjoy ur weekend of…?

Mike: Just family stuff.

Mike: Thanks, Bill.

336.

Bill’s phone, Thursday.

[notes app]

< All on My iPhone

January 14, 2021 at 9:43 PM

**It was not the joke**

  * I sleep in way later than most other functioning adults & therefore do not text him back in a timely manner in the morning
  * I am skittish about the topic of families generally & therefore he does not want to talk about his with me
  * His mom actually hates me & I am too fragile to handle that knowledge
  * I complain too much about my job which is objectively very cushy & this lack of self-awareness embarrassed him
  * I should not have told him about the stoner depression year this early & now he’s more aware of the tendencies I still have that led me that direction in the first place
  * Not supportive enough last time we talked about how he was feeling? Poor active listening skills?
  * Maybe recently in the middle of sex or falling asleep or something I blurted out the fact that I’m in love w/him & I didn’t process it but he did
  * I let him get up to let Shelley out when obviously she’s my dog and so I should have done it



  * Buy any other kind of shirt
  * Go to bed before midnight & wake up earlier
  * Send his mom...flowers? Am I really that uncreative
  * Process complaints about job myself
  * Next time I lie in bed for an entire day actually tell Dr. Kurtz about it so I can adjust my dosage if I need to
  * Listen to people...harder
  * Stop thinking “I am in love with you” at him to see if anything happens. Not psychic & probably making myself very obvious



337.

Ben’s phone, Friday morning.

Chat title: B&B

Ben: So I don’t think Mike told Bill what was happening this week. 🥶

Bev  🐝💖 : oh my god. really?

Eds: I mean I guess he didn’t have to

Ben: Like, he didn’t even tell him he’d be out of town. Bill just texted me to ask if anything is wrong because it seemed so sudden.

Bev  🐝💖 : what’d you say?

Ben: I didn’t want to tell him everything if Mike had a reason not to, so I was vague, but I just feel bad for him.

Ben: Both of them, really ☹️☹️

Bev  🐝💖 : yeah, yikes.

Eds: I think Mike felt generally shitty all week maybe he just didn’t want to talk about it

Ben: Or it was too hard.

Bev  🐝💖 : but he’s too strong-and-silent to actually say anything, so all Bill knows is Mike seems upset and isn’t telling him stuff 😬

Eds: Which he doesn’t have to do

Bev  🐝💖 : yeah, obviously Mike is the one going through something right now, but u know him. he’s support-avoidant when he actually needs it.

Bev  🐝💖 : like someone with scurvy and also a citrus allergy. lmao

Ben: I don’t know if I should text him to ask if he and Bill are having trouble or if he maybe just forgot, or if that would just make him feel worse for no reason.

Bev  🐝💖 : I think it would be okay just for someone to check in and see if it feels right to ask?

Ben: I guess I could do that.

Eds: No wait let me

Bev  🐝💖 : wait, really?

Ben: That’s really nice of you to offer, Eds. 💓

Eds: Yeah I want to try

Eds: Trust me I can see the irony too but I just I want to try

Ben: Okay!

Bev  🐝💖 : be delicate, my sweet little bowling ball

338.

Eddie’s phone, Friday afternoon.

Eddie: [cut off] Puffer vest

Mike: Poetry.

January 15, 1:16 PM

Eddie: Hey man

Mike: Hi, Eddie.

Eddie: You made it home okay

Mike: Yes, I did.

Eddie: How are you feeling

Mike: I’m okay. A little sad and weird.

Eddie: That’s probably normal

Eddie: Is it better though

Mike: Than in November?

Eddie: Yeah sorry stupid question

Mike: No, it is better. It’s different. I got used to missing him.

Eddie: I remember when Sonia passed it took me a few months to really know she was gone and then after that it was just a surprise when something made it hurt again

Eddie: Not to say that they’re the same

Mike: I know.

Mike: You’re spot-on, though. The breaks are nice, but the surprise makes it a little sharper.

Eddie: I’m sorry man that sucks

Eddie: Tomorrow will be good though right

Eddie: Closure?

Mike: I hope so. I know it’s what my mom wants.

Eddie: Look can I ask you something

Mike: As long as I’m allowed to tell you to buzz off if it’s something I don’t want to talk about.

Eddie: Of course man always

Eddie: Did you tell Bill that you were going home this weekend

Mike: I didn’t think I needed to. Why, did he say something?

Eddie: No I haven’t talked to him I just know you can be a little bit of a uh a little bit support avoidant

Mike: Well, I can handle this without support. I don’t need my hand held; I’m not a needy pit.

Eddie: I’m not trying to say anything like that

Eddie: I mean you could have told him what was happening and just said you wanted to go up by yourself

Mike: But there’s no way to say that without implicitly asking him to come sop up my giant Eeyore tears with a handkerchief. It opens things up.

Eddie: Eeyore tears

Mike: I don’t know!

Eddie: Don’t you want him to tell you stuff like this about his life

Mike: Of course I do, but he’s different. He’s more straightforward. He isn’t long-conning anyone into thinking that he is a person instead of a yawning void.

Eddie: And you are question mark

Mike: Frankly, it’s kind of absurd that you’re the one giving me the forthrightness talk.

Eddie: I am fully aware of that

Eddie: Who’s more qualified to tell you not to climb trees than the kid with a broken arm

Mike: Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but it’s sincerely not a big deal. All right?

Eddie: I just think that if it really really wasn’t a big deal then you wouldn’t have chosen not to tell him

Mike: Are you finished?

Eddie: Yeah

Eddie: Sorry

Eddie: I didn’t want to make anything worse this weekend I was trying to help

Mike: Okay, Eds. That’s fine.

340.

Mike’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

January 16, 4:22 PM

Mike: Ma has a copy of Flood and Captain.

Bill: O no, really?? Jessica is going 2 know how I lost my virginity. Horrific

Mike: Eh, she’s a farmer. She’s seen it all.

Bill: Oh boy, I h8 that comparison

Mike: Sorry!

Bill: No, ur good!

Bill: I actually did want 2 talk 2 u, tho.

Mike: Yeah, me too.

Mike: I came up here to spread my dad’s ashes.

Bill: Did I do something wrong?

Bill: Oh

Bill: I’m so sorry & very embarrassed

Mike: Don’t be! I wasn’t exactly warm this week.

Bill: I have a tendency 2 make things abt myself.

Mike: I didn’t tell you, so what were you supposed to think?

Bill: No, u shouldn’t have had 2—it’s just an old, bad habit. & I didn’t ask!

Mike: No, I guess you didn’t, but it would be reasonable to expect me to tell you about something like this.

Mike: I tend not to give people the opportunity to help me because I am afraid I’ll need too much help. It’s not exactly healthy behavior. This isn’t on you.

Bill: Honestly a bit of a relief

Bill: Not like

Bill: I mean, I’m not glad u were spreading ashes, but I am glad it’s not abt us.

Mike: RE: your first question, you could never do anything wrong.

341.

Mike’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Bill: Don’t say that. I’ll get real weird abt it.

Mike: I’m just being honest.

Bill: Me 2. I have a thing abt being perfect. I’ve worked on it a lot, but I still sometimes fall back on the idea that everything that goes wrong is b/c I showed a crack in the armor, so I could tell u were unhappy & I made it about me.

Bill: I know ur stoic, but I did get a little insecure.

Mike: I should have told you.

Bill: Not abt should, just—I have this flaw & here, now u know about it.

Bill: But I’m not the point of 2day. U spread ur dad’s ashes. Are u okay?

Mike: Yeah, I’m okay. I’m good, actually.

Mike: It’s his birthday today, and the bluffs were his favorite place, so it felt right. It was really beautiful.

Mike: My nose about fell off, though.

Bill: Jesus, ya, I bet

Bill: Hey, u know I want 2 help, right?

Bill: U don’t ever have 2 let me when u don’t want 2, but I’m not afraid of the amount

Mike: Yeah, I know.

Bill: Ok, good.

Mike: I’m driving home tonight. Can I come over?

Bill: Please. & Mike?

Mike: Yeah?

Bill: U can read it if u want. The memoir. Only if u want, but u have me warts & all, so u might as well know what the warts are.

Mike: I can handle it. I’m a pretty warty guy myself.

Bill: 🐸

Mike: :)

342.

Sunday.

[image: a save-the-date card featuring a woodcut of two birds.]

_ Save the date for the wedding of _

PATRICIA BLUM

_ and _

STANLEY URIS

_ May 16, 2021 | Derry, Maine _

_ invitation to follow _

\--

[image: the reverse of the card, featuring a woodcut of a pastoral landscape]

_ To: _

Richard Tozier

64 Witcham Street

Derry, ME 04402

343.

Eddie’s phone, Sunday night.

Mike: Hey, thanks, man.

Eddie: What did I do

Mike: You were emotionally intuitive.

Eddie: That’s the craziest thing you’ve ever said.

Mike: There he is

Eddie: I’m um glad I could help

Mike: You made a good point.

Eddie: I did

Mike: You sounded a little like my mom, actually.

Eddie: I did?

Mike: Yeah, she gave me that no-man-is-an-island speech at Christmas, but you know. Old habits.

Mike: Although I’ll thank you for sparing me an extended bug metaphor.

Eddie: Do I want to know

Mike: Do you?

Eddie: Yes

Mike: Well, she thinks it’s like being a pill bug. When the going gets tough, you can curl up to protect yourself, but the trade-off is that you cut your whole world down to whatever fits inside your shell.

Eddie: Are you that afraid of Bill hurting you

Mike: God, no. I just don’t want to hurt him.

Eddie: You’re not a a bad person though

Mike: Well, it’s not like making mistakes and being a decent person are mutually exclusive.

Eddie: Ben’s parallel parking

Mike: XD

Mike: But he still tries! Because if you just drive past the most beautiful parking spot you’ve ever seen without making an effort, that’s not life, it’s just survival.

Eddie: He just gets Bev to do it for him

Mike: Well, metaphors have limitations.

Eddie: You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take

Mike: Please put the Gretzky back where it came from.

Mike: I have to go, but I’ll see you at trivia?

Eddie: Maybe not sure what time I’ll be back from that conference at you Maine

Mike: But the sports questions!

Eddie: That’s what Bill is for!

Mike: He only knows football and basketball!

Eddie: Oh now you want my Gretzky quotes

344.

Richie’s phone, Monday.

Richie: [cut off] haha i always am!

January 18, 9:19 AM

Steve: So I’ll see you this weekend, eh? !

Richie: i guess so!

Richie: i’d offer you my guest room if i could afford one. hahaha

Steve: Besides, I wouldn’t dare turn down an opportunity to spend department money!

Richie: of course not!

Steve: I’ll be interested to see your presentation.

Richie: don’t feel obliged; it can’t be that interesting if it’s all old news for you!

Steve: Ah well, it’s still my research!

Richie: right

Steve: Besides, after last time, I’d like to see for myself.

Steve: I’m sure you understand

Richie: you heard about that, huh?

Steve: I have eyes everywhere !

Richie: sure, sure

Richie: well, i apologize, and i swear it was a one-time thing.

Richie: a special occasion, if you will

Steve: The Tozier motto!

Steve: I’m sure it will be fine. You are normally a very compelling presenter.

Richie: thanks, dr f.

Steve: Did you get an email about analytics for CAP-M? Someone was meant to send that along.

Richie: yep, i did.

Richie: consider it done

Steve: Wonderful! I look forward to seeing you in the backwoods this Friday.

Richie: me too 👍

345.

Bev’s phone, Monday afternoon.

Bev: but yes, I find it deeply satisfying that he’s out of the industry altogether lmao

Murray Han: He was okay with merchandising, I GUESS, but that label was absolutely nothing without you. Good riddance

Bev: the marketing department at John Deere. and not even CMO

Murray Han: SEVERAL rungs down the ladder.

Bev: I earned this. I deserve it.

Murray Han: You do!!

Bev: I hope he has chronic back pain and can’t sit or lie down comfortably 💖💘

Murray Han: You are terrifying

Bev: that’s the correct response to me 💗💗

Bev: also, you might be getting a preteen Instagram follower soon 😬

Murray Han: ??

Bev: if you block her do it gently lol

Murray Han: I would never!! Is this your one friend’s kid?

Bev: her future stepdaughter, yeah!

Bev: she saw your contact photo while we were doing a fitting and is obsessed with you now

Murray Han: THAT is the correct response to ME

Bev: she said, and I quote, “that outfit is so cool” and I said “thanks that’s my friend Murray they work in fashion merchandising” and she said “people actually have that job??”

Murray Han: Baby fashionista...

Bev: probably not. she wears track pants almost exclusively. lmao

Murray Han: I own $300 sweatpants! It’s called athleisure

Bev: the word athleisure gives me hives

Murray Han: Oh her account is locked smart girl

Bev: yeah, she’s a solid kid. not nearly as much of a shitstarter as I was at her age

Bev: although I can say that because I’m not in charge of her. she’s a little bitchy to Patty

Bev: oh god you’re probably not supposed to say a twelve-year-old is bitchy

Murray Han: Every twelve year old is bitchy

Murray Han: I was a huge bitch

Bev: was?

Murray Han: 😌🖕

346.

Eddie’s phone, Thursday.

Eddie: Hey how’s your semester going

Bev: imagine me making a fart noise against my hand

Bev: kersh is making us use these standardized attendance spreadsheets because we were all letting our students skip too much. lol

Eddie: Can they do that

Bev: they can if you’re an instructor!!

Bev: they cannot force me to be accurate, though.

Bev: how’s yours going?

Eddie: Two of my grad students are dating now which I feel like I should warn them against but I know it would be hypocritical of me

Bev: aww I think that’s cute!!

Bev: nerds in love 🥰

Eddie: What if they break up and everything becomes so painful and awkward that nobody can focus on anything

Bev: then they can each eat ice cream for a week straight until they’re ready to talk about closure. bing bang boom

Eddie: It’s never that simple

Bev: I am operating under the assumption that these kids are more well-adjusted than either of us. lmao

Eddie: That’s probably fair

Eddie: Not the point. Will you please remind me that being divorced is worth it

Bev: I’m not going to ask prying questions!!!

Eddie: That’s great for you

Bev: you don’t have to tell me anything

Eddie: That’s perfect because I don’t want to

Bev: this is so mean.

Bev: yes, being divorced is so worth it.

Bev: you feel justified about drinking white wine at 1pm

Eddie: Did you actually

Bev: yes! I know I’ve told you this. I moved in with my aunt and we catcalled game show hosts together every afternoon until I got the job here lol

Eddie: Are you telling me I’m going to start watching daytime television

Bev: honestly, if you were going to hit that phase, it would have happened by now.

Bev: go forth, kiddo. seek a legal end to your terrible marriage.

Eddie: Judgy

347.

Eddie’s phone, Tuesday.

Eddie: [cut off] We have an agreement and that’s to not talk without the lawyers.

November 28, 11:35 AM

Myra New Cell: Pick up!

Myra New Cell: You are so frustrating!!

Eddie: I’m frustrating fucking hell that’s rich

January 19, 12:12 PM

Eddie: Okay no more procrastinating

Eddie: Let’s try again let’s schedule a meeting

Myra New Cell: Oh, finally?

Myra New Cell: We have your permission to proceed?

Myra New Cell: That is the LAST holiday I am spending in your demonic mother’s house.

Eddie: Do you really have to say that shit Myra she’s dead

Myra New Cell: I know that better than anyone else, Edward.

Eddie: Nobody’s making you live there

Myra New Cell: You know very well I can’t afford not to!

Myra New Cell: Early February.

Eddie: Done

Myra New Cell: See you in hell.

348.

Adrian’s phone, Wednesday.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): [cut off] There’s assholes and there’s assholes. Sometimes professors are irredeemably terrible.

Sister Wife: harsh words from mr sunday school

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Well, I’ve told you guys about my advisor before Dr. K.

Adrian: Eugh yeah

January 20, 12:35 PM

Sister Wife: u excited lil guy

Adrian: Calling Don big guy is kind of cute but I dont appreciate this expansion of the scheme

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): If anything, Bets is the lil guy.

Sister Wife: ok but if we’re going by percentile compared to a peer group, which we should be, then my height is more analogous to don’s

Adrian: Occams razor says fuck you

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Are you? Excited for this weekend?

Adrian: Excited is an interesting word

Adrian: Its gonna be fine its a smallish conference Im vibing

Adrian: Is one of us doing an article next week

Sister Wife: no the youths have proposals for the circus

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): But the SSURC isn’t till April this year?

Sister Wife: we STAY prepared in the Calder lab

Adrian: I bet were ahead of schedule because nobody’s dragging their heels to get EKs goat

Sister Wife: i miss richie too 😞

349.

Richie’s phone, Wednesday afternoon. Inauguration Day!

Chat title: cat losers

Micycle: I think everyone was too distracted to ask me to do anything, which I enjoyed.

Marsh Thing: oh boy the design kids were like a bunch of third graders. I just emailed them the slide show and let them go early because no one would sit down lol

Marsh Thing: hey, do you guys wanna go for celebration carbs?

Marsh Thing: I am not above the free nacho deal at Guzman’s.

Patsy Cline: Oh, me neither!!

Stan Francisco: I’ll have to leave at 6:30 for carpool duty, but that sounds nice.

Big Bill: O god, I would love 2 talk 2 anyone who isn’t 24 & wildly hungover from their Trump regime funeral kegger

Benihana: Can’t really begrudge them that one, though, can you? 😂🍻

Big Bill: Absolutely. I’m just a little offended they didn’t invite me

Benihana: Ah, the exuberance of youth.

Edward Kaspbrak: I just started training so I shouldn’t

Micycle: Eddie- :(. Everyone else- I’ll see you guys there :)

Richie: ach, i would love to get reflux for bernie, but i have data to clean

Richie: someone take up the mantle of being outrageously smug in my absence

Edward Kaspbrak: Actually I guess I can go

350.

Richie’s inbox, Wednesday.

Subject: ?

**Richard Tozier** <rtozier@derry.edu>

to Edward  ˅

Dr. Kaspbrak,

What the fuck?

Cordially,

Dr. Tozier

\--

**Edward Kaspbrak**

to me  ˅

Dr. Tozier,

You said we should try to avoid each other. I was ceding this social event to you.

Dr. Kaspbrak

\--

**Richard Tozier** <rtozier@derry.edu>

to Edward  ˅

You didn’t have to drop-kick my dignity in the group text. Have a little delicacy next time, asshole.

Dr. Tozier

\--

**Edward Kaspbrak**

to me  ˅

I’m sorry, okay? I don’t want either of us to lose friends. I’ll figure something else out.

Dr. Kaspbrak

\--

**Richard Tozier**

to Edward  ˅

January 20, 2021, 4:14 PM

Just fucking text me next time you want to be self-sacrificing. I guess I should know by now that delicacy isn’t really your area.

See you Friday. Dick.

Dr. Tozier.

351.

Stan’s phone, Wednesday evening.

Ben: Is it tooth marks?? 🦷🤣

Stan: Esther sort of rebelled against piano practice.

January 20, 6:16 PM

Ben: I think if we left them alone for a few hours they’d create world peace or an evil freeze ray 🧊🦹🏻‍♀️

Stan: The thing that really baffles me is how early into a sentence they can interrupt each other and still make sense.

Ben: It’s like listening to a recording of a normal conversation on vinyl, but the vinyl keeps skipping.

Stan: I think it’s enabled by the bond of actually doing something interesting in your twenties.

Ben: To be honest, I don’t remember half of my twenties 😓💀

Stan: You know what? Neither do I.

Ben: Oh, no, I think I missed at least the past four conversation topics.

Stan: I think they’re on to how much Patty loves her job.

Ben: Bev actually said something like that to me the other day. I think her exact words were “did you know some people sign up to be teachers because they really just love it?”

Stan: Sometimes I have that same thought about Patty. This is the vocation she dreamed of. I mean, I enjoy teaching now, but I really didn’t think I would.

Ben: Oh yeah?

Stan: I chose it out of convenience. I was a single dad; I needed to have a more flexible schedule than the 9-to-5 office deal.

Stan: What about you?

Ben: I would sign up to do anything even remotely related to architecture. I get to stand in front of a room and talk about buildings for as long as I want! It’s great!

Ben: Could do without the departmental politics, but every silver lining has a cloud. 🥈☁️

Stan: That’s the beauty of being an instructor instead of a professor.

Ben: It’s a little compelling.

Ben: Hey, have you ever had a dog?

Stan: Allergic, unfortunately. Why do you ask?

Ben: I’m trying to talk Bev into getting one and I was looking for an ally.

Stan: I’m very in favor of dogs as a concept. I think you should get four. Start a sledding team.

Ben: I know when I’m being enabled 🐕🐕🐕🛷

352.

Adrian’s phone, Friday afternoon.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Sister Wife: [cut off] gets attached to straight couples on tv shows

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): They can be compelling!

Adrian: I watched 7 seasons of Bones to see those hets get together

Sister Wife: but she watches, like, real housewives

January 22, 1:37 PM

Adrian: Never let me fucking get a ride with EK ever again

Sister Wife: lmao what

Adrian: Im going to die in this car

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Please don’t!

Sister Wife: the drive to orono is like less than an hour

Adrian: YOU CAN DIE SO MANY TIMES IN AN HOUR

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Is he really that bad of a driver?

Adrian: HIS LEVEL OF SKILL IS NOT THE PROBLEM

Adrian: THE PROBLEM IS HIS TENUOUS GRASP ON HIS SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCTS

Sister Wife: i did see him leave rubber marks pulling out of the parking lot once

Adrian: YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT BEFORE I AGREED TO THIS

Sister Wife: bonding time with lab dad!!!

Adrian: Don baby if this is how I go just know I died thinking of you

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): That’s nice bud 🖤

Sister Wife: if u need to escape the vehicle while it’s moving make sure u tuck ur head when u jump

353.

Adrian’s phone, Friday.

January 22, 3:18 PM

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Good luck!!! You’re going to do great!!!

Adrian: Thank youuuu 💋

January 22, 4:47 PM

Adrian: I feel like a child of divorce lmao

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Really? Are they being babies again? They shouldn’t be!

Adrian: No theyre not like fighting or anything! Im just sitting in between them at this panel and theres ~simmering tension~

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): I could always drive down there and get you if you’re sick of them, haha.

Adrian: First of all thats really nice of you. Second of all Im not sick of anything!!! This is the most fascination social dynamic Ive ever witnessed

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Really?

Adrian: Yes oh my god they just had the most deranged conversation in the world

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): And this is fun for you?

Adrian: YES

Adrian: I guess E saw something on Rs phone because R was like “whatever it is just say it” and E was like “what the hell is that picture”

Adrian: Keep in mind Im sitting in between them totally lost. Sort of like Kevin in Home Alone

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Evocative

Adrian: R: Its from Young Frankenstein you know the movie? Its a picture of the scientist

E: [silence. presumably judgmental but I didnt look up at his face]

R: Right of course

R: Look its an old nickname from back in the day he thought it was funny if I called him Dr Frankenstein

E: So what does that make you? Igor?

R: Jesus dude

E: No I mean

R: Burn

E: Not about you I meant it just it seems a little rude for him to think of you like that

R: Oh

E: Never mind

E: Theyre starting

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Is that word for word???

Adrian: Yeah Ive been transcribing their conversations all afternoon. Im going to make a corpus out of them 😛

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Oh my god, Ade.

Adrian: Im joking!

Adrian: A little

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): ...we could use it for practice problems.

Adrian: You are so sexy to me,

354.

Bev’s phone, Saturday.

Husband: [cut off] I guess maybe if the opportunity arises I could bring it up to Eds tonight. 😰🙏

Bev: babe, it’s confrontation and it’s Eddie. I got this

January 23, 3:48 PM

Bev: heyyy I might have to use your phone to pick flights lol

Bev: I’ve looked at them too many times and now they’re doing that price-hiking cookies thing

Husband: 🍪🍪🍪??

Bev: you remember. that thing Mike told us about

Husband: Mike tells us about many things 🤷🏼‍♂️🤷🏼‍♂️

Husband: but yeah, I won’t need it at all tonight!

Bev: amazing, thank youuu

Husband: Although I did want to talk to you about fashion week.

Bev: oh?

Husband: You know that I love going and experiencing a new kind of art and seeing you in your element 👩🏻‍🦰🔍👗

Bev: but?

Husband: But I just checked my gcals and that’s the weekend right before midterms. And a deadline for the UNH library.

Bev: that’s fine!!!

Husband: And two weeks before that KCT fundraiser. So it might have to be a bit of a working weekend for me.

Bev: honey, it’s perfectly okay if you can’t go this time.

Bev: I was just thinking about that myself, actually!

Husband: You were?

Bev: yeah, it’d be really boring for you this time around lmao

Bev: I have a bunch of dumb meetings. more 🤢 networking

355.

Bev’s phone, Saturday.

Husband: That’s great news! Meetings for what? 👀 

Bev: eh, you know. projects. stuff

Bev: so I was thinking it might work better if I did this one solo?

Husband: Are you sure? I really don’t mind working in the hotel room while you go out to see people.

Bev: honey, I know you. you need peace and quiet and pacing space to get things done

Bev: I’ll go on this glorified business trip and get my extroversion everywhere, and you can enjoy the luxury of some actual undisturbed drafting time. lol

Bev: I know we talked about some fancy downtown restaurant for Valentine’s, but I’ll just fly home Sunday afternoon and sweep you off your feet many miles from anybody from New York!

Husband: If you’re SURE you’re okay with it.

Bev: I’m very sure!

Husband: Then so am I!✈️🏙

Husband: Home soon?

Bev: yep! just triple-checking that I haven’t left any pins for the children to stab themselves with.

Husband: How’d it go?

Bev: oh my god, she LOVES it.

Husband: I’m so glad 🥰🥺

Bev: and not in a dress-up way, either. like, sometimes you put someone in a garment and they love it because it makes them feel like someone else, and that can be great, but you can tell when someone puts something on and loves it because it makes them look the same outside as they feel inside.

Bev: gets me sentimental I guess lmao

Husband: Hey Bee?

Bev: yes darling

Husband: I love you

Bev: I love you too!!!

356.

Bill’s phone, Sunday.

Boyfriend Mike: On a literary level, this chapter about graduation is incredibly moving.

Bill: O thank u!!! It was hard 2 write

Boyfriend Mike: On a non-literary level, I cannot believe you never got drunk and made out with Richie in college.

Boyfriend Mike: Or Stan. Stan’s cute.

Bill: O my god.

Boyfriend Mike: What? He is!

Bill: He is NOW! He looked like a bobble head thru his early 20s

Boyfriend Mike: Didn’t we all?

Bill: I know 4 a fact u have been stacked since high school

Boyfriend Mike: I could have been shrimpy!

Bill: Jessica showed me pics!

Boyfriend Mike: Damn.

Bill: Speaking of pairs of people who make me uncomfortable, do u think it’s weird if we keep inviting R+E 2 the same places

Boyfriend Mike: Technically, we did not invite them anywhere; Bev did. :P

Bill: She’s so totally unfazed

Boyfriend Mike: Yeah, she and Ben got broken in when Eddie and I refused to speak to each other at all for a couple of months.

Bill: What’d u do then

Boyfriend Mike: Waited for me to stop being mad at him, mostly.

Bill: Well, Richie usually doesn’t hold a grudge

Boyfriend Mike: Eddie pretends not to.

Bill: We’re going 2 b here forever.

Boyfriend Mike: I don’t know. I think we’re still allowed to invite your friends and my friends to do things together. It’s always up to them whether or not they want to go.

Bill: & everyone gets along SO WELL. Besides the notable exception. It really feels like a shame not 2 keep it going

Boyfriend Mike: Bev says she brought it up with Eddie and he claimed he and Richie had “figured it out.” I’m willing to go with that.

Bill: OK good b/c I was thinking abt spring break plans

Boyfriend Mike: Surely Beavis and Butthead will have simmered down by then.

Boyfriend Mike: Besides, I think the fate of the friend group is in the hands of forces beyond our control.

Bill: The universe??

Boyfriend Mike: No, Bev and Patty.

Bill: Hahahahahahahahaha

357.

Richie’s phone, Sunday.

Richie: why would i need to when ur so well-prepared?

Stan Francisco: You’re going to get snowed in someday and your cats will eat you.

Richie: that’s their right! the strong survive!

Richie: so can i come borrow ur flashlight?

Stan Francisco: Yes. But I’m ordering one from Amazon to your house.

January 24, 7:45 PM

Richie: tell why i keep getting involved with people from work

Stan Francisco: Would if I could, Richard.

Stan Francisco: Although it probably has something to do with the proportion of your identity that’s wrapped up in your job.

Richie: ouch, dude. at least give me a second to duck if ur going to headshot me like that

Stan Francisco: Am I wrong?

Richie: i would like it if you were!

Stan Francisco: Connor?

Richie: seeing him and eddie in the same room was so unbelievably embarrassing.

Richie: like damn, that’s a hell of a pattern

Stan Francisco: Is this news to you?

Richie: u r a thorn in my side

Richie: i sort of think it’s a sign from the universe that that’s maybe all I’m built for, u know?

Stan Francisco: Built for what?

Richie: casual relationships? eternal singledom?

Stan Francisco: That’s what you think the universe is saying? Not “you should really try dating someone who isn’t an asshole from work”?

Richie: well! they don’t always seem like assholes!

358.

Richie’s phone, Sunday.

Stan Francisco: Agree to disagree. I always thought Connor was terrible.

Richie: u don’t get points for that one because u hated everyone i met back then

Stan Francisco: I did not!

Richie: u hated steve!

Stan Francisco: That’s because Steve was always harping on about how lucky you were to be there.

Richie: it is wildly fucking funny that u have massive beef with MY phd supervisor, a man u never met

Stan Francisco: This may be shocking news for you, asshat, but when you care about someone, you want them to be treated well.

Richie: aww staniel ❤️

Stan Francisco: Hush.

Richie: u love me ❤️❤️

Stan Francisco: I feel affection for you commensurate with our personal history.

Richie: such a sweet talker.

Richie: i think i am actually going to get back out there, though.

Stan Francisco: Oh?

Richie: yeah, i was going to ask u about patty’s one friend.

Stan Francisco: Tahir? Eubanks?

Richie: maybe? the one she’s convinced i would get along with

Stan Francisco: You definitely would. But just know that if I let her set this up, she will get enthused about it. This is not a whim situation. If she gives you his number, you have to text him.

Stan Francisco: So are you really, truly ready to get back out there?

Richie: well give me a second to google the guy jesus

January 24, 8:02 PM

Richie: YEAH I’M READY

359.

Richie’s phone, Sunday.

Instagram

**superior_banksy**

Derry, Maine

[image: a man (Tahir, represented here by William Jackson Harper) with tortoiseshell glasses and a denim jacket, which has an I VOTED sticker on the lapel]

**62 likes**

**superior_banksy** disco inferno etc etc

03 November 2020

\--

Instagram

**superior_banksy**

Derry, Maine

[image: two men standing next to each other in a parking garage. The one on the left (yes, it’s Manny Jacinto, we work with the images we have) is wearing a life-jacket around his neck inflated to the degree that it almost covers his face. The man on the right (Tahir) is looking at him with folded arms. A timestamp in the corner indicates that this is a video.]

**59 likes**

**superior_banksy** peter you have a phd

30 November 2020

\--

Instagram

**superior_banksy**

Cincinnati, Ohio

[image: Tahir, in black-rimmed glasses and a gray sweater, holds a black-and-white dog with an underbite up to the camera. He is looking down at the dog. The dog is looking off to the right in despair.]

**86 likes**

**superior_banksy** “when am I gonna have grand babies?” excuse you???

24 December 2020

\--

Instagram

**superior_banksy**

The Aladdin

[image: Tahir, in another denim jacket and another pair of glasses and also a yellow beanie, leans in a charmingly awkward way to the side. He is in front of a white interior wall full of Sharpie signatures.]

**83 likes**

**superior_banksy** i provide ginger ale to the band

08 January 2021

360.

Eddie’s phone, Monday evening.

Ben: Why do you ask?

Eddie: People at work talking about it

Eddie: Why is it called Donkey Kong then

Ben: That’s the name of the monkey 🐒🧢

Eddie: That’s insane

January 24, 5:48 PM

Ben: Hey, got any wood glue I can borrow?

Eddie: How the fuck do you run out of wood glue

Eddie: Of all people

Eddie: Yes but I’m not home right now

Ben: Okay 👌 can I come pick it up later tonight?

Eddie: I should be home by eight shit ow

Ben: You good?

Eddie: Gym tripped

Ben: Damn, kind of a long workout!

Eddie: I’m training for that marathon

Eddie: I’m trying to have a life outside of work or some shit I don’t know why I bother nobody here sprays the machines when they’re done

Ben: You know hobbies are supposed to be relaxing, right? 😂🏃🏻‍♂️

Eddie: Well the weather is still too shitty to run outdoors so circle back to me on that in April I guess

Eddie: Why the hell are people like this am I the only person in Derry who’s heard of MRSA

Ben: So you’re meeting with Myra next week, huh?

Eddie: Ha I sure am

Ben: How are you feeling about that?

Eddie: Like nothing really just the logistics are annoying

Eddie: I’m getting on the treadmill I’ll text you when I’m on my way back

361.

Richie’s phone, Tuesday.

Chat title: Salt n Pepa

Richie: [cut off] I guess teaching ur golden-voiced youngest child the lyrics to take a chance on me is a crime now, huh

Richie: i gave you a free jukebox musical!

Stan Francisco: You’ve created a monster is what you’ve done.

January 26, 3:57 PM

Patsy Cline: I hear I am allowed to play matchmaker.

Richie: ur lack of exclamation points feels ominous.

Patsy Cline: I am holding them in so I don’t scare you off.

Patsy Cline: But trust me, they are in there. Like a swarm of bees

Richie: wow, u put me so at ease, congratulations

Stan Francisco: Are we getting sidetracked.

Patsy Cline: Richie—can you give Stella a ride home from club at 5:30 tomorrow?? And can you look handsome but casual??

Richie: u can’t just give me the guy’s number?

Stan Francisco: Very few things Patty does can be appropriately prefaced with the word “just.”

Patsy Cline: Do things right or not at all, cowards!!

Richie: the bees are escaping

Patsy Cline: !!!!!

Patsy Cline: Handsome. Casual. Don’t eat dinner; Stan is making ziti.

Richie: providing me with sausage is really the least u could do if ur using me for free carpool.

Stan Francisco: It’s vegan sausage.

Richie: NOOOO THAT MAKES ME SO GASSY

Patsy Cline: HAH!! I KNEW YOU WANTED TO IMPRESS HIM!!

Stan Francisco: Think of it like a digestive chastity belt.

Richie: actually i hate and regret this whole endeavor

Patsy Cline: [image: Tahir in profile, sunlit, with sunglasses and a backpack]

Richie: fuck u i’ll be there

362.

Stella Uris’s phone, Wednesday evening.

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : i want my spot back 😡

Stella: too bad so sad

Stella: we all have to shuffle around bc patty says so

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : five bucks to drink my glass of ilk for me 🥛🤢

Stella: ew no it has your backwash

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : i don’t backwash

Stella: why is this guy here???

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : idk he was like working on something with patty ✏️🧠

January 27, 6:32 PM

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : why’s everyone laughing

Stella: if you wanted to know you shouldnt have asked to be excused so fast

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : i got bored

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : what the heck r they talking about

Stella: batman i guess? i don’t know

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : 🦇😱

Stella: they like each other

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : omg. no they don’t

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : you think everybody likes everybody 😍🙄

Stella: no look around the corner from the living room their like leaning towards each other

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : so?

Stella: that means like

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : says you 👻👨‍❤️‍👨👛

Stella: i read it!!

Stella: TAHIR SAID THE F WORD

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : NO WAY

Stella: YA RICHIE LAUGHED

Stella: dont forget, your turn to clear the table

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : nooooo

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : is batchelor like the tv show 🖥🌹🥌

Stella: bachelor

Stella: like how

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : patty said him and richie are her bachelor friends

Stella: its like a word you use when a guy is grownup but not married

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : they bumped shoulders behind patty’s back 🤼‍♂️

Stella: shoulders also means like

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : i think your making stuff up

Stella: youll get it when youre my age

363.

Patty’s phone, Wednesday.

Richie: [cut off] car radio!!

Patty: And for this, I’M being punished??

January 27, 7:47 PM

Patty: That was by far the longest Stella has ever voluntarily sat at a dinner table with me.

Richie: kids, always trying to run upstairs to their...their aol instant messenger or something

Patty: But if you don’t actually step away from the computer, no one gets to see the clever away message you worked so hard on!! 😂😂

Richie: constant paradox

Patty: Sooo what did you think!!

Richie: the extra basil really brightened up the sauce. i think cooking provides a good opportunity for stan to practice deviating from guidelines in a fun, relaxing way

Patty: !!!!!!!!!!

Richie: whaddaya want me to say, pats?

Richie: he’s a good-looking guy who smells like the inside of j crew and has interesting opinions on standardized testing. i just don’t know if he was that into me

Patty: Okay, but, but, he told me you looked kind of like a sexy version of the neighbor from Seinfeld.

Richie: have u considered that he absolutely knows what ur up to and is trying to appease u?

Patty: He did tell me that I was very transparent, but that doesn’t mean he’s lying!! Not everyone is a giant people-pleaser.

Richie: also, what the fuck? kramer is already sexy

Richie: ouch, patty

Patty: It was a self-burn!!

Richie: regardless, we met, i’m into him, that’s ⅔ so u passed!!!

Patty: I know he’s into you!!

Patty: Talking about Gentileschi is like Tahir’s mating call, trust me.

Richie: [typing indicator]

Richie: let me get back to u actually

364.

Richie’s phone, Wednesday night.

Richie: [cut off] already sexy

Richie: ouch, patty

Patsy Cline: It was a self-burn!!

Richie: regardless, we met, i’m into him, that’s ⅔ so u passed!!!

Patsy Cline: I know he’s into you!!

Patsy Cline: Talking about Gentileschi is like Tahir’s mating call, trust me.

Richie [draft]: i love the optimism but

\--

Notification: MESSAGES - now

**+1 (207) 555-6876**

iMessage

\--

January 27, 7:52 PM

+1 (207) 555-6876: Hey, it’s Tahir—I got your number from Patty, I hope that’s cool

+1 (207) 555-6876: Do you want to get dinner sometime?

365.

Richie’s phone, Wednesday.

January 27, 7:52 PM

+1 (207) 555-6876: Hey, it’s Tahir—I got your number from Patty, I hope that’s cool

+1 (207) 555-6876: Do you want to get dinner sometime?

Richie: [draft]: oh i didn’t expect

Richie: [draft]: like it would be a date right

Richie: [draft]: how are u with damaged nerds

+1 (207) 555-6876: If dinner sounds too formal, we could also get drinks, or, like, throw rocks at passing trains or something—I don’t know what you get up to

Richie [draft]: DID PATRICIA PUT YOU UP TO TH

366.

Richie’s phone, Wednesday.

Tahir: If dinner sounds too formal, we could also get drinks, or, like, throw rocks at passing trains or something—I don’t know what you get up to

Richie: damn, my chiropractor JUST told me i had to stop throwing so many rocks

Tahir: Rats

Richie: guess you’re stuck with dinner

Tahir: Oh, no, that’s the opposite of what I wanted

Richie: you sure ur not just doing this to suck up to patty for saying “fuck” in front of her kid? lmao

Tahir: No, I am absolutely buying her an edible arrangement for that one

Tahir: This would be because we were very good at flirting with each other & I think we should do it again

Richie: just to honor the art form

Tahir: Exactly

Richie: an exhibition match of sorts

Tahir: We can revisit exhibitionism after the fourth date

Richie: you know just what a girl wants to hear

Tahir: I’m an empath

Richie: you should really see a doctor about that

Tahir: I’d like to—you free on Friday?

Richie: oh my god.

Richie: yeah, i can do friday.

Tahir: Great, I’ll start overthinking my restaurant choices right now

Richie: i’ll be very judgy

Tahir: Yeah you give off that vibe

367.

Eddie’s phone, Thursday.

Chat title: 4X TRIVIA CHAMPS

Eddie: Text me your account number and I’ll do it for you

Bev: seriously?

Eddie: Yeah I run faster when I’m pissed off

January 38, 9:25 AM

Eddie: Cable service cancelled

Bev: you are a miracle worker

Eddie: Just stubborn

Mike: Have you thought about getting into pulling trucks with your teeth? A guy at our county fair used to do that :)

Bev: ...what the fuck

Mike: Ben, back me up here. Hick to hick.

Ben: Sounds about right!

Ben: We had husband calling at mine 🔔👨🏼

Bev: I’m pretty sure Derry doesn’t have one lol

Eddie: No we do

Bev: oh! I never went

Eddie: Me neither too dangerous

Eddie: I mean not actually but you know

Mike: Are we on for this weekend? Bill’s coming :)

Ben: Yes! 📝🏆

Bev: indeed

Eddie: I’m trying not to do any work this weekend so I will have a lot of energy to take out

Ben: Oh, that’s great! That’s a big deal!

Bev: hell yeah you’re running all the answers to the front

368.

Adrian’s phone, Friday.

Adrian: It kind of is!

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Do you want me to bring you some?

Adrian: BLEASE

January 29, 8:32 PM

Adrian: BABE

Adrian: Oh my god dont say it out LOUD

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): But we ARE literally on a date right now and you COULD just say words to me with your mouth.

Adrian: I have such a reaction to hearing you say the word mouth

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): We work on language studies together? Like all the time?

Adrian: Yeah it gets inconvenient for me

Adrian: Ok dont look behind you but Richie.

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): What about him?

Adrian: Hes behind you!

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): But I can’t look.

Adrian: Well you can if youre subtle abt it goofus

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Is he on a date???

Adrian: Were at a sushi place with mood lighting. You dont go here if youre not on a date

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Didn’t we go here last year?

Adrian: Yeah and I was trying to get in your pants please keep up

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): I would have let you if I knew!

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Good for him, I think? Get back out there. That guy’s cute.

Adrian: I can’t see him from here move your big beautiful head

Adrian: HOLY SHIT I know him

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): You do?

Adrian: Yeah he works at DU he teaches ESL

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Can you tell if it’s going well?

Adrian: Ummm I think so

Adrian: Theres definitely sharing of food but not in the gross feed each other way

Adrian: Aww theyre both laughing

Adrian: Not full Richie giggle. A temperate laugh

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): You know his laughs?

Adrian: Ahh dont pout it makes me want to commit public indecency

Adrian: What was that for 😌

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Felt like it

Adrian: Hm

Adrian: Do it again

369.

Bill’s phone, Friday.

Bill: Americano? Why?

Bev: I have decided I don’t trust your taste about what coffee “doesn’t suck”

Bill: Rude, but OK

January 29, 9:40 PM

Bev: hey stall everyone for a minute lol

Bill: Y?

Bill: Y me??

Bill: How???

Bev: because Richie’s across the street with some hunk, because you’re Bill, do something Bill-ish

Bill: Oh shit I forgot he had a date!

Bill: Ben’s coming 2 look 4 u sry couldn’t stop him

Bev: that’s fine just keep Eddie inside

Bev: aaaand they’re kissing

Bill: Nice!!!

Bev: read the room, william. lmao

Bill: I gotta say ur all my friends & I know it’s awkward & all but I really don’t think it would chap Eddie’s ass 2 like exist in the same space as Richie moving on

Bev: yeah you and Eddie both

Bill: What’s that supposed 2 mean

Bev: I’ve said too much already

Bev: you can come out now!

Bill: Gimme a min

Bev: no, like, they got in their cars and drove off, the coast is clear

Bev: good job diverting!

Bill: Never ask me 2 do this again

Bev: what did you do??

Bill: Tried 2 get a guy 2 fight me

Bev: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA




Bill’s phone, Saturday morning.

Bill: U just love 2 torment me w/ whatever weird shit u can come up with abt classic lit

Richie: ur the one who thinks emily dickinson wanted to bone that gun

Bill: It’s a very erotic poem!!!

January 30, 11:22 AM

Bill: How early into a relationship r u allowed 2 start basing characters off ur boyfriend?

Richie: lewis carroll wrote two books about a child he proposed to

Bill: Oh god ew

Richie: so i think u can do whatever u want

Bill: I just wanted an excuse 2 talk abt Mike. Y r u like this?

Richie: how did u NOT anticipate that i’d have a fun fact to relate?

Bill: Ur gonna call that fact fun???

Richie: start talking about ur dumb love life already

Bill: I like him

Richie: i know

Bill: He became a vegetarian bc when he was a kid he raised a lamb 4 4H & named her Gigi & he refused 2 let them slaughter her so she lived in his uncle’s backyard the whole rest of her life.

Richie: holy shit

Bill: He said he didn’t know how 2 protest stuff so he just tied himself 2 a tree 2 see if that did anything

Richie: that’s very fucking cute

Bill: There’s like a soda can in my chest that crumples up when I think abt him 2 hard!

Richie: that’s gross and also romantic, i guess

Richie: hey went on that date

Bill: Oh I forgot abt that!!!

Bill: How was it

371.

Bill’s phone, Saturday morning.

Richie: patty was so sure we would get along that i almost didn’t want to like him, but i do.

Bill: Patty’s a good judge of character I think

Richie: i guess so!

Richie: it’s weird. i don’t remember the last time i went on an actual date and we just, like, asked each other questions

Bill: Ur dating life bewilders me

Richie: me too, to be honest

Richie: i never know how any of it happens

Richie: it’s like, one day we’re just dicking around and the next thing i know i spent 72 hours straight in his apartment and i know the first time he realized he didn’t believe in god

Bill: In a hostage way or a sexy way??

Richie: and then we don’t see each other for three weeks but i spend all that time thinking that if he’s not impressed with me, i’ll die

Richie: definitely sexy but with an edge of hostage that makes it sexier 👅

Bill: There’s a lot 2 unpack there

Bill: How do u feel after 1 normal date?

Richie: weird! regular

Richie: i’m overthinking some of the stuff i said

Bill: Of course

Richie: but, like, we just talked about movies and whether or not we had siblings and shit

Richie: i’m not obsessed with him

Bill: That’s a good thing right

Richie: it feels good. like i barely know that guy! hell yeah!!

Bill: Hell yeah!

372.

Bev’s phone, Saturday afternoonish.

January 30, 5:07 PM

Patty!!!!!!!!: Today’s the day!! 🕺🏻🕺🏻

Bev: aaaah!!! I feel like I made a dress for the Oscars red carpet

Patty!!!!!!!!: Oh my word, have you done that??

Bev: god, no, lmao

Bev: someone wore me to the Grammys once? I was pretty popular at the teen choice awards.

Patty!!!!!!!!: You’re a star!!🌟🌟

Bev: I’m a star!! send pics!!

Patty!!!!!!!!: I will!!

Patty!!!!!!!!: [image: cut off, but a pair of legs in a green pinstriped suit with a pair of white Nike Air Force 1s]

Bev: SO CUTE!!!

Patty!!!!!!!!: I thought the tennis shoes were adorable 😍😍

Bev: tennis shoes ❤️ lol

Patty!!!!!!!!: I’M NOT GOING TO START SAYING SNEAKERS!! WHERE IS SHE MEANT TO BE SNEAKING??

Bev: sore subject? hahahaha

Patty!!!!!!!!: The boys think it’s very funny.

Bev: is she happy with it??

Patty!!!!!!!!: Is she HAPPY?? I’m pretty sure she’s never going to wear anything else!!

Bev: SCORE

Patty!!!!!!!!: Seriously, thank you. I don’t know what we would have done without you!! 💞💞

Bev: it’s what I was put on earth to do! lol

Patty!!!!!!!!: I think this kind of got me over a hostility hump with Stella, so it’s really not just a suit, I hope you know that.

Bev: don’t make me cry, Pats. I’m supposed to be cool

\--

Eds: [cut off] If I was quote unquote good at therapy would I be going back no

Bev: fine, you have a therapy kink

Eds: I hate you too

January 30, 5:23 PM

Bev: I AM A GOLDEN GOD

Eds: You what

Bev: I am riding teh biggest high. why the fuck did I change jobs???????

Eds: Because Tom owned your label and you needed to get the fuck out of there or wait is that the wrong thing to say

Bev: you literally cannot bring me down right now

373.

Stella Uris’s phone, Saturday night.

dad 🤦🏻‍♂️: One of us will get you at ten.

dad 🤦🏻‍♂️: Have fun, kiddo. You look great.

January 30, 10:04 PM

dad 🤦🏻‍♂️: Please text one of us if you’re going to take longer.

dad 🤦🏻‍♂️: Patty says she still doesn’t see you. Call her when you get this.

dad 🤦🏻‍♂️: Stella, you have a phone so you can tell me where you’re at. I’m a little worried, S.

dad 🤦🏻‍♂️: If you get a ride home with a friend, you have to tell me beforehand. Otherwise I have no idea what happened to you.

dad 🤦🏻‍♂️: Are you okay? Do you need me to come find you somewhere??

\--

January 30, 9:57 PM

patty!! 🙄: I’m in line!! I’m in the van!!

patty!! 🙄: I’m peeking into the crowd for that cool green suit but I don’t see you yet!!

patty!! 🙄: Almost everyone is gone—don’t tell me you got lost in your own school!! 😂😂

patty!! 🙄: Miranda’s mom says she talked to you half an hour ago, so I know you’re in there somewhere!!

patty!! 🙄: Stella??

patty!! 🙄: Did something happen??

patty!! 🙄: Your dad is driving over to see if he can spot you!!

\--

richie 👓: young lady u must call ur father back this instant 👨🏻

richie 👓: seriously, stells bells, you’ve met the man. put him out of his nervous misery

richie 👓: if u got into a fight or drank a wine cooler or something i solemnly swear i will pick u up and not breathe a word to ur parents as long as u text one of us back

richie 👓: actually i’m supposed to stay at ur house, but i’ll send esther over in the barbie jeep. she’s a great driver

richie 👓: for real, stu. we’re all freaking out a little. just a sign of life, please. ok?

\--

miranda 👩🏽‍💻: No u look really pretty!!! Everyone’s gonna think so

Stella: i literally don’t care what people think

miranda 👩🏽‍💻: Lucky 🐰 Hurry up, there’s a line for the backdrop!!

Stella: ok lol

January 30, 9:58 PM

Stella: tonight was sosososososo fun

Stella: sorry i was weird

miranda 👩🏽‍💻: U weren’t weird!!!!

miranda 👩🏽‍💻: U were but not bad weird

miranda 👩🏽‍💻: Yes it was fun. Send me those pictures later weirdo 💖💞✨

374.

Stan’s phone, Saturday night.

Richie: deep into the annals of legend of zelda lore. what can i do u for?

Stan: Come to our house and hang out with Esther.

Stan: We can’t find Stella. Patty was supposed to pick her up and she didn’t show.

Richie: already in the car

January 30, 10:41 PM

Stan: Anything?

Richie: not yet, the man.

Richie: but i’m sure she’s okay.

Stan: Esther?

Richie: esther is peacefully trying to guess the password for ur profile on the netflix account. whole drama going completely over her head.

Stan: The thing is that sometimes kids aren’t fine. Every idiot parent at the beginning of Dateline thinks their kid is fine!

Richie: and most of them are!

Stan: Watch the fucking news sometime, Richard!

Richie: hey, look, it’s derry. how many gangs can she possible have joined in 45 minutes?

Stan: You are not funny and you never have been

Stan: She could be injured or frozen or frozen and injured or kidnapped or eaten by a wolf or hit by a car and what am I even supposed to do if I find her?? Perform necromancy?? I haven’t taken a CPR class since 1999!

Richie: u sound like eddie

Stan: Gee thanks

Richie: i didn’t mean anything bad. i don’t know what i’m even saying. stella is none of those things, i swear, and if she is u can beat me to a pulp

Stan: I’m going to do that anyway!

Richie: SHE’S HERE

374.

Stan’s phone, Saturday night.

Richie: SHE’S HERE

Stan: Oh thank g-d.

Richie: ALL ONE PIECE

Richie: JESUS FUCK

Richie: IM MAKING HOT CHOCOLATE THAT FEELS RIGHT RIGHT

Stan: What happened???

Richie: she says she walked home???

Stan: What? Why??

Richie: stella says, and i quote, “what? I’m wearing sneakers.”

Stan: It is eleven fifteen fucking PM. It is twenty-seven fucking degrees. I am going to stick an icicle in my eyeball.

Richie: don’t do that, man. u have such pretty eyes

Stan: What kind of seventh grader just up and walks home from a school dance? That’s two miles! In the middle of the night! The hell?

Richie: gee, stan, i can’t imagine where ur kid would have gotten an insane stubborn streak like that

Stan: Is she okay??? Does she look like she was crying? Did something happen at the dance? Do I have to gear up to murder any of those snot nosed little shithead boys in her class?

Stan: If Uncle Richie asks, she might actually tell you.

Richie: can’t tell u if she cried, because her whole face is red, but she says no boys need murdered.

Richie: did u mean to call me

Stan: YES, IDIOT, PLEASE LET ME TALK TO MY NOT-DEAD CHILD.

Richie: SHIT SORRY

Richie: MY NERVES HAVE BEEN ON THE CEILING FOR HOURS I’M NOT IN MY RIGHT MIND

375.

Stella’s phone, Saturday night.

January 30, 11:46 PM

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : why did you do that

Stella: you should be asleep

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : did you have a bad time at the dance?

Stella: no i didnt

Stella: it was nice i liked my suit and i danced with somebody and then i needed a minute like i do sometimes and they didnt make me feel bad about it at all

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : slow danced

Stella: yes

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : gross 🤢

Stella: its not its fun

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : so today was good

Stella: yes

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : so why did you do that?

Stella: what?

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : walk home!

Stella: its not a big deal

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : it is dad freaked out!

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : and uncle richie 😡👓

Stella: i just wanted to walk!

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : your being weird

Stella: fine i didnt want to ride with patty

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : why not

Stella: because today was good! i was happy i didnt want to hang out with someone who we dont like each other

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : patty likes you!

Stella: patty likes things that are perfect

Stella: go to bed its like tomorrow

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : don’t tell me what to do 🥊

Stella: i can hear you yawn

brat  👱🏻‍♀️ : 🤭😑😴

376.

Stan’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

Patty ( ❤️): There are still a few hanging around with the chaperones, but nobody that knows where she is!!

Stan: She’s not answering her phone, either.

Stan: I’m going to drive over to help look. Richie’s coming to the house to keep an eye on things there.

Patty ( ❤️): Okay!! Drive carefully!!

Stan: I will. I love you. Be there soon.

Patty ( ❤️): I love you too!!

January 31, 2:25 PM

Patty ( ❤️): Should we talk about what happened??

Stan: With Stella?

Patty ( ❤️): No, the other thing that brought us both to the edge of a panic attack in the past 24 hours. Yes, Stella!!

Patty ( ❤️): Sorry, that sarcasm was unnecessary. I’m just stressed.

Stan: Speak for yourself, I absolutely had a panic attack.

Patty ( ❤️): You did??

Stan: Mostly kidding!

Patty ( ❤️): I wish you would tell me these things when they happen.

Stan: I was fine!

Patty ( ❤️): I

Patty ( ❤️): We’ll talk about that later 😅😅

Patty ( ❤️): I just don’t know what I did wrong. With Stella.

Stan: I don’t think you did anything wrong.

Patty ( ❤️): I think I did!! I mean, she walked two miles in the dead of winter rather than get in a car with me.

Stan: Kids do all kinds of weird crap for weird reasons, babylove. Especially these ones.

Stan: Esther refused to eat corn for two years after she watched Pocahontas. Still haven’t figured that one out.

377.

Stan’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

Patty ( ❤️): But what if it’s not just one weird thing.

Stan: What do you mean?

Patty ( ❤️): I don’t know.

Patty ( ❤️): I guess, like, what if she does it again?? That was terrifying.

Stan: Well, I really hope she wouldn’t. We talked last night and she seemed to understand why it was such a big deal.

Stan: On the other hand, there’s only so much control you can have. She got this from me, and twelve is right about when I started to get a lot more anxious and compulsive. I don’t want her to go through it the way I did, without any support, but I also don’t want to make it seem like the end of the world. It’s part of who she is.

Patty ( ❤️): I know that, and I wouldn’t change either of you for the world.

Patty ( ❤️): Just, with things like last night, I guess it’s hard not to take it a little personally.

Patty ( ❤️): There are times when I swear she really truly hates my guts. Haha

Stan: I think if a twelve-year-old hates you sometimes, thats a good sign in re: parenting techniques.

Patty ( ❤️): Maybe I’m just frustrated that this is one thing I can’t smooth over flawlessly 😖😖

Stan: Not a lot of smooth anything when it comes to guiding psychosocial development.

Patty ( ❤️): No, I guess not!!

Stan: We can talk about it more when I get home. I think it resolved well, all things considered, but I probably should have warned you you were signing up to do retrieval ops when I asked you on a date.

Patty ( ❤️): HAH. No, I saw the danger in your eyes, Mr. Uris. I knew the score.

Patty ( ❤️): Make sure you water the peace lily on your mom’s nightstand!!

Stan: You two are in cahoots. I’m being cahooted against.

378.

Betty’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

LOML: [cut off] THEY ARE???

LOML: Bad way or good way

Betty: good? i think?????

Betty: they’re talking about going to sc for spring break as a 🤢 as a family 🤮

LOML: Is it worth mending fences if we have to go noodling

LOML: That’s a real question. I’d almost rather they kept debating who turned who gay

Betty: I DON’T KNOW EITHER

January 31, 2:56 PM

LOML: Hey how do you spell your advisor’s name again?

Betty: kaspbrak

LOML: Huh

Betty: ...why?

LOML: No reason

Betty: sweetie. sugar pie. mistress of my heart. summer’s day shamer

LOML: Well you know how I’m transferring over to peds?

Betty: i sure do

LOML: There’s a Kaspbrak here

Betty: like a kid????

Betty: ??????!!!!!!!!!!!!

Betty: HONEY!!!! IM SORRY I LEFT THE FRIDGE OPEN!!! ILL PROPOSE AGAIN!!!! ILL DO ANYTHING

LOML: I Am At Work

Betty: i forgot ur job is like actually hard

LOML: Don’t disparage what you do! You’re very smart and you work hard

LOML: No not like a kid

LOML: Like a Myra

Betty: oh my god.

LOML: What why??

Betty: that’s the ex-wife.

LOML: Okay I was wondering

Betty: what’s she LIKE

LOML: I Am At Work

Betty: you texted me first hot stuff

LOML: She’s blonde? She’s like busy and seems nice? Regular ped nurse stuff

LOML: We just met so I don’t know

LOML: I gotta go scrub in for an appy love you bye

Betty: god ur so competent

Betty: love u

379.

Survived the first month of the semester!

**frida 🔒**

@eudoh98

In theory I’m like “I’d be happy getting my phd anywhere that I applied to!” but now that Boston said yes I feel myself looking at DU the way u look at ur friend across the party when some dude is telling u it’s hot that ur into girls

3:05 PM · Feb 1, 2021

**madeline eva**

@maddiestern

someday i would LOVE for it to matter that we got six inches of snow overnight but i went to college in maine so ig i made my own bed here. might still start beef with myself about it tho

10:18 AM · Feb 1, 2021

**KC**

@heartwormie

I remember reading Hanscom’s bio on the school website like “bro how do u have time to work out with all these gahdamn things u do” but I switched shifts at sbux this semester and now i know there's just a TON of espresso in that hot body

8:42 AM · Feb 1, 2021

**KC** @heartwormie · 2h

Replying to @heartwormie

he is so nice i want to sit down with him and tell him about all my problems but i’m ind of afraid it would burden his soul TOO much. like when you tell a kid chicken comes from chickens

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUhotlibrarian

happy february you vapid whores who’s buying me panda express

5:52 PM · Feb 1, 2021

**derry hot librarian updates** @DUhotlibrarian · 41m

Replying to @DUhotlibrarian

sorry wrong account lol. he had a hickey today though

380.

Eddie’s computer, Monday.

Subject: Check-in

**Carolina Simons**

to me, Richard  ˅

Feb 1, 2021, 1:51 PM

Hello doctors!

I haven’t gotten to check in with your lab yet this semester, so I thought I’d shoot you an email to see how everything is going. Proceeding smoothly? Anything on fire? We are still on track to have the psycholinguistics lab space ready by May--Richard, you should have been receiving periodical updates about renovations, but by all means let me know if you haven’t.

I’ll speak more formally with both of you towards the end of the semester to evaluate the overall success of this system, as we’re likely to use it elsewhere with upcoming department expansion, but I just wanted to check the temperature at CALDER.

Thanks so much for your work,

Dr. Carolina Simons

Professor and Chair

Department of Psychology

Derry University

381.

Richie’s phone, Monday afternoon.

Tahir: Yesterday was really fun—we should do it again sometime

February 01, 3:01 PM

Richie: shit, i am SO sorry

Richie: i really didn’t mean to leave you hanging, we just had a minor emergency saturday night

Tahir: Everything ok?!

Richie: yep yep, it turned out to be kind of a false alarm

Tahir: Oh, is this the thing Patty was telling me about this morning?

Richie: probably?

Tahir: I’m not scared of a lot, but children are… terrifying

Richie: just like her dad. he absconded from his own bar mitzvah

Tahir: No way

Richie: u can’t tell stan i told u that

Tahir: Scout’s honor

Richie: why are we supposed to believe boy scouts are more trustworthy than the average person?

Tahir: I could be talking about Girl Scouts, sexist

Richie: well no, because girl scouts are a more liberal organization that doesn’t cleave to the patriarchal value system that stresses individual honor the same way

Tahir: So you’re telling me you don’t think Girl Scouts are trustworthy

Richie: of course not! they’re trying to get u hooked on thin mints

Tahir: Someone is always trying to get you hooked on something—it might as well be cookies

Richie: this is what marx was talking about when he said “the opiate of the masses”

Tahir: Marx foresaw this specific conversation

Richie: ur right, this is fun

Tahir: I know

Richie: do u like movies?

Tahir: I’m a little bit of a film buff, sure

Richie: that’s a terrifying answer

Tahir: Why do you ask?

Richie: hold on i’m retooling my plan to take you to the worst thing currently playing in theaters

Tahir: No, let’s do that

Richie: but what will the other film buffs think when they see you leaving the theater for “bridget jones’s baby’s baby”???

Tahir: “Wow his date is hot as shit”

Richie: well, okay then

Tahir: But you will buy me Whoppers

382.

Richie, Monday afternoon.

Subject: Check-in

**Carolina Simons**

Hello doctors! I haven’t gotten to check in with your lab yet this semester, so I thought I’d s...

**Richard Tozier**

to Carolina  ˅

Feb 1, 2021, 4:02 PM

Dr. Simons,

I hope your semester is going well. Things at CALDER are good; I really can’t compliment the research here enough. There was a bit of a learning curve to communicating and working with new people, but we got there in the end. I’m definitely looking forward to working more independently, but I am also very grateful for everything I’ve learned here.

Have an excellent week,

Richard

383.

Eddie’s phone, Tuesday morning.

Eddie: [cut off] I know

Bev: I just like seeing Mike happy!!!

Eddie: Me too

February 02, 9:55 AM

Bev: did you make the appointment?

Eddie: Yeah

Eddie: Next week

Bev: before or after you have to talk to the wife?

Eddie: After

Bev: rough!

Bev: same doc?

Eddie: Yes thank god

Eddie: Absolutely not prepared to give the Sonia Kaspbrak primer to a new person

Bev: LOL I feel that in my bones.

Eddie: Hello doctor I’m 36 and until last year the only thing I ever did against my mommy’s wishes was become a psychologist

Bev: don’t be silly! you also married a woman she hated

Eddie: No remember she was actually a big fan of Myra until I went to New Haven and they moved in together

Eddie: Oh Jesus

Eddie: Do you think it’s more polite to turn your back on your therapist while they escape through the window or should I just close my eyes 

Bev: dunno. mine always works the other way around

Bev: therapist: so your father-

me: ohhhh my goddd my apartment is flooding… I have to leave right away

Eddie: You have a friend call you ten minutes into the appointment so you can fake an emergency if they ask about your first marriage

Bev: in the dictionary under the word “delight,” there is this photo.

Bev: [image: Eddie in a black t-shirt and Bev in a blue blouse doing a goofy tango pose towards the camera]

Eddie: Oh my god I’m going to have to talk about my marriage again

Bev: probably! hahahahahahahaha

Bev: you might even have to talk about… Richie

Eddie: You really think he’d be that high on the list

Bev: do you?

Eddie: Shut up you’re not my therapist

384.

Eddie, Tuesday morning.

Subject: Check-in

**Carolina Simons**

Hello doctors! I haven’t gotten to check in with your lab yet this semester, so I thought I’d s...

**Edward Kaspbrak**

to Carolina  ˅

Feb 2, 2021, 10:24 AM

Carol,

Thanks for checking in. Lab work this semester is progressing well-- no concerns to share. Dr. Tozier has been a credit to DU. I’m sure he will be happy to hear about his new space. While having him around certainly changed up our routines, the CALDER lab will miss him when he moves on.

EK

385.

Richie’s phone, Wednesday morning.

Steve: [cut off] communicated and efficient.

Richie: thanks doc

Steve: Much better than last time! Ha-ha

Richie: everybody’s got their ups and downs

Steve: Sure they do!

Steve: May says she texted the address of the restaurant to you

Richie: she did

Richie: see you soon

February 03, 11:42 AM

Steve: Did you see my email about the pilot data.

Richie: i did

Steve: Could you finish that by Friday ?

Richie: i can try, but honestly, i can’t guarantee anything

Steve: If those revisions from SSLA are giving you trouble , this can take priority. We have RAs sitting on their hands until we can debug so they can run participants.

Richie: no, it’s just some prep work for that proposal i showed you last fall.

Richie: i’m happy to send along some instructions for how i’d amend the prompts. it shouldn’t be too difficult, just a set of if-thens

Steve: If we must, but I really would rather you did it.

Steve: Didn’t you say you were going to wait to work on the medical project?

Richie: it’s just some stuff the ball was already rolling on

Steve: If our collaboration and your research is going to be too much to handle—

Richie: it won’t be!

Richie: i’ll get to making those changes later can’t talk now

Richie: just remembered i have a meeting i really have to get to

386.

Adrian’s phone, Wednesday.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): [cut off] Don’t you want some say in who they hire?

Adrian: YES but at the cost of watching them present for an hour???

Sister Wife: will there be food

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): It’s a job talk, no one goes if they don’t provide food.

February 03, 12:18 PM

Sister Wife: said the night wind to the little lamb…

Adrian: Ok witch

Sister Wife: ok goody proctor

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Do you see what I see?

Sister Wife: THANK YOU, DON

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): So what is it?

Adrian: Richies here :)

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): On purpose?

Adrian: No Im holding him at gunpoint

Sister Wife: he is just sitting here like i haven’t been speculating about his personal life at all it’s crazy

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Almost like the default is to assume that people AREN’T speculating about your personal life.

Sister Wife: kiss my ass u do it too

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Well

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): How does he seem?

Adrian: Almost as caffeinated as me but good! Theyre actually both in suspiciously good moods

Sister Wife: i was talking to him about his next project the other day. he was all jazzed up about it

Adrian: Ooo more Covall stuff?

Sister Wife: NO it’s like very cool it’s different

Sister Wife: lowkey dude? lowkey? a little jealous of his students next yr

Adrian: I really thought this was gonna be so awkward Id need PPE

Sister Wife: same

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): A little help for the person who isn’t in the room?

Adrian: Its pretty much fine. No eye contact but even I cant pick up any passive aggression and I was raised by a woman named Sheila

387.

Adrian’s phone, Wednesday. 

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Sister Wife: sort of the vibe of when the doctor tells u about their family so u don’t overthink when they put the blood pressure cuff on

Adrian: Richie offered to help the babies with their summaries for the baby conference

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): The undergraduate research symposium?

Adrian: Yeah thats what I said

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Have they talked to each other?

Sister Wife: so far not a word

Adrian: Not true! They said “Kaspbrak” “afternoon” right at the beginning

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Oh, did someone bring up the thing with the observation keyboard?

Sister Wife: no worries big guy we gotcha

February 03 1:08 PM

Sister Wife: ok so it’s still a LITTLE 🥶

Adrian: WHAT

Sister Wife: not like, dramatically so

Sister Wife: i may have been lingering outside in the hallway and EK went “by the way your—” and richie just stone-cold grabbed his bag and left

The Boy (◔◡◔✿): Shoot.

Adrian: I was hoping they were on an upswing :/

Sister Wife: u and EK both apparently

Adrian: ??

Sister Wife: u should’ve seen his face journey. the man looked like the food critic from ratatouille reliving his childhood

388.

Richie’s inbox, Wednesday.

Subject: 2/03

**Edward Kaspbrak**

to me  ˅

Feb 3, 2021, 1:16 PM

Dr. Tozier,

Your left headlight is out. Sorry.

EK

\--

**Richard Tozier** <rtozier@derr…

to Edward  ˅

Feb 3, 2021, 1:18 PM

What are you sorry for? I was the one who burnt it out

Tozier

\--

**Edward Kaspbrak**

to me  ˅

Feb 3, 2021, 1:21 PM

Lots of thawing and refreezing this month. Don’t crash.

EK

\--

**Richard Tozier**

to Edward  ˅

Feb 3, 2021, 1:22 PM

Promise

Sent from my iPhone


	6. Part 3 (posts 389-466)

389.

Richie’s phone, Thursday night.

Robin: [cut off] AHA!

Robin: What are profiles?

Richie: just choose the picture of tan from queer eye

Richie: that one’s yours

February 04, 7:22 PM

Robin: Thanks for calling honey!

Richie: well, thanks for the sweater!

Robin: Sometime I’ll finish all your gifts BEFORE the holidays end. Someday 🤞🏻

Richie: yeah, you know me. i’m totally unfamiliar with being late. i’ve never been late in my life; i am horrified by the concept

Robin: Ah, but at least you improved with age.

Richie: i actually plan to un-improve. now that i’m a professor i will be skating by and losing my fire completely

Robin: Well, I know that’s not true. You always used to sound like you were just forcing yourself to get through your work!

Richie: i was a little

Robin: You know, your dad would be thrilled to hear you so excited about your job. Next time hopefully you’ll catch us while he’s still home!

Richie: i know you know i still haven’t talked to him.

Robin: ✋🤐🤚

Richie: and i care about your happiness too much to let you be in the same room as that whole conversation.

Robin: Well thanks, Picky. Means a lot 😂😂

Robin: Although you should know based on your aunts’ infighting that I can handle a little family conflict!

Richie: sure, but you got stuck with liz and gina at birth 😂

Robin: Exactly! Thick skin like a Gila monster!

Richie: your credit score must be awful

Robin: Rude child!

Richie: with all that trouble you keep borrowing

Robin: Oh, hardee-har.

Richie: i’m funny! i’m a funny guy!

Richie: can you not tell went about the dating thing, though?

Richie: work stuff is fine. just.

Robin: 🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐

Richie: i’m not trying to jinx it

Robin: Of course.

390.

Patty’s phone, Friday.

Patty: [cut off] Your dad is driving over to see if he can spot you!!

February 01, 3:05 PM

Patty: On my way!!

Patty: Here!!

February 02, 6:12 PM

Patty: Dinner!!

February 05, 12:46 PM

Patty: Hey, your dad and I will be going to the bakery tomorrow if you’re in the mood to get free cake and play Paul Hollywood!!

Stella: who?

Patty: You know!! From the Great British Bake-Off??

Stella: oh esther watches that show.

Stella: for the wedding cake?

Patty: Yes ma’am!!

Stella: oh

Patty: You in??

Stella: i don’t like cake.

Patty: You sure?? Speak now or we’ll let your sister decide, and who knows what kind of weird flavor she’s going to pick!!

Stella: yes im sure just bring esther.

Patty: Your loss!!

391.

Patty’s phone, Friday.

Patty: [cut off] Oh let me do it!!

February 05, 1:07 PM

Patty: So she wants me dead.

Stan ❤️: Oh, babylove, if a Uris wanted you dead, you would be dead.

Stan ❤️: She doesn’t want to go?

Patty: She said she doesn’t like cake.

Stan ❤️: That’s my weird kid.

Patty: Does she actually hate cake??

Stan ❤️: Not historically, no. She’s most likely just crabby because she had to do weight-training today or something. I’ll talk to her.

Patty: I don’t want her to feel like she has to do wedding stuff if she doesn’t want to!!

Stan ❤️: I don’t either! I’ll just ask.

February 05, 2:33 PM

Stan ❤️: She’s coming.

Patty: How did you do that??

Stan ❤️: You’d be shocked at how easily preteens can be bribed with dessert.

Patty [draft]: THEN WHY CAN’T I DO IT????

Patty: Well, I’m glad she’ll be there!!

392.

Patty’s phone, Friday.

Patty: Talk a big talk if it makes you feel better ☺️☺️

Richie: u WISH i would talk.

February 05, 3:37 PM

Patty: Hey Richie!! I have some questions for you that are definitely very personal, so feel free to tell me to buzz off if you’re not comfortable with them. You’re just the only friend I have that’s been through something like what Stella and Esther have.

Richie: stepmom problems?

Patty: A little. I’m sorry, this is really intrusive, isn’t it??

Richie: patty, baby, for the blum-urises, u can ask me as many invasive questions about my childhood as u want.

Patty: You’re an angel. I can buy you coffee??

Richie: normally that would be a hell yes, but i’ve got a date in three hours that i’m already a little diarrhetic about.

Patty: You’re disgusting ❤️❤️

Richie: no i’m an angel??

Patty: Ooh date!!!!

Patty: But ooh I don’t want to distract you!!

Richie: no date details for u. ur too close to the source

Patty: Hiss!!

Richie: however, i am begging u to distract me. please distract me. i will give u money.

Patty: If you’re sure??

Richie: i am!

Patty: Okay, well, I’m really fucking bad at it.

Patty: The stepmom thing. I am. I’m not joking. Please do not act like I’m joking. You haven’t acted like that yet but I’m just trying to get ahead of the game.

Richie: okay.

Richie: what makes u say that?

Patty: Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t expect the girls to just love me as soon as I showed up, I know that’s not how it works, but I did expect there to be some kind of progress and instead it seems like it’s getting worse.

Patty: I mean, we’ve known each other for almost three years, and instead of getting closer, it’s like ever since the engagement, she doesn’t even want to be in the same room with me. And sure, sometimes kids just don’t like parents, but it’s specifically me. I’m not being too sensitive; I know I’m not. She cannot get far away enough from me.

Patty: It’s Stella. Esther’s delightful. I mean, they’re both delightful, Stella is a wonderful kid, but she just sort of hates me.

393.

Patty’s phone, Friday.

Patty: I’m not trying to make it about me, but I just don’t know what to do. I can’t force her to want me around, and I wouldn’t want to do that, but I just, I don’t want to just show up and cause problems. The two of them ONLY have their dad. If I’m only going to be in the way of that—I just don’t want to ruin something that important.

Richie: not that i don’t want to empathize, because i really really do, but is there a question in there you want me to answer?

Patty: Shit. Sorry. I guess this has been building up for a while.

Richie: hey, u know, i’m honestly glad my traumatic tweens are good for something.

Richie: although, pats, and i promise i’m not trying to sound patronizing, but she is twelve, alright? you remember that age.

Patty: People keep fucking saying that to me but don’t you think a twelve-year-old has the right to decide who she wants in her family????

Patty: Sorry again. I feel like a champagne cork a little bit.

Richie: oh vivid

Patty: I guess my question is—what did you want from Robin when you met her?? How did your relationship develop?? Is there something someone could do wrong in this situation?? Did things get worse before they got better?? What were you thinking and feeling about your dad getting remarried?? How did you bond??

Patty: Maybe I’m expecting too much. Like I said, I knew we weren’t going to start touring as a family bluegrass band or something, but I just. What kid is ever gonna care that much about their stepmom, right??

Richie: are u fucking kidding me? i’m WAY closer to my stepmom than i ever was to my mom or dad.

Richie: i mean, when my parents had me, it was kind of an accident and also kind of obligatory. they weren’t really that into the kids thing. they just did what they were supposed to do. robin was the first adult to really sign up for me, you know? she knew what she was getting into and she did it on purpose.

Patty: Oh, Richie. That’s really sweet.

Richie: admittedly went was also a stone-cold fox

Patty: 🙄🙄

Richie: i can’t believe i’m saying this, but do u wanna just talk on the phone? start from the beginning?

Patty: You won’t have an allergic reaction to extended sincerity??

Richie: eh, the rash already showed up, so it doesn’t really matter at this point

394.

Patty’s phone, Friday.

February 05, 5:03 PM

Patty: Thank you, Richie. Really. You didn’t have to listen to all of that and I really appreciate it.

Richie: shit is hard, krabby patty. i like helping.

Patty: I’ve never tried so hard at anything in my life. I feel like I’m the new kid in grade school again. I just wish I knew how to be, like, cool or fun.

Richie: it’s not necessarily about that, though, right? ur not trying to become best friends. you said stella should have a say about who’s in her family, and ur right, but your family are the people who show up when everything goes to shit. you can show up. sign up for her, if you will

Patty: Your talents are WASTED in academia, Dr. Tozier.

Richie: oh, my talents are absolutely gone. used up for a month. i’m not going to be able to say a serious thing to tahir all night

Patty: Good thing he likes funny 😉😉

Richie: shaddup lady

Patty: Enjoy your movie!!

Richie: i never said it was movies

Patty: I have my own talents!!

Richie: tahir is such a snitch

395.

Richie’s phone, Saturday.

Robin: Oh, hardee-har.

Richie: i’m funny! i’m a funny guy!

Richie: can you not tell went about the dating thing, though?

Richie: work stuff is fine. just.

Robin: 🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐

Richie: i’m not trying to jinx it

Robin: Of course.

February 06, 2:28 PM

Richie: i promise i will do it, you know.

Robin: Didn’t expect to hear from you again so soon!!

Robin: What a treat.

Robin: Do what?

Richie: talk to doc 1.

Richie: i’m just deciding how exactly i want to say everything. there’s stuff i’m just not willing to hear from him again.

Richie: i know it sounds kind of childish, but i think we’d get along better if we had some kind of ground rules.

Robin: I don’t think that’s childish!!! I think it’s very mature of you to set some boundaries. Makes me proud 👍

Richie: yeah, yeah

Robin: Your father, much as I love him, has a lot of ideas about your life and where you should end up. I’m glad you have some of your own.

Richie: what about you?

Robin: What about me?

Richie: do you have a lot of ideas about where i should end up?

Robin: I hope for things, but I guess I don’t think we really end up anywhere. We’re all still trying very hard all the time. I hope that you have things you care about enough to try very hard and that those things are rewarding to you!!! ☺️

Richie: you’re very good at this. the mom thing.

Robin: Well, kiddo, you are one of the things that I care about enough to try very hard!

Richie: you know i love you and i’m very glad you’re a part of my life, right?

Robin: Yes! But I love to hear it!

Richie: i know it can’t be easy being stuck in the middle.

Robin: Ah, I knew what I was getting into with you two.

Robin: Although you could bring a nice boy around. I wouldn’t mind having an ally 😊😊😊

Richie: YEAH, YEAH

396.

Bill’s phone, Sunday.

Bill: Fuck u u take 5 hr energy

Boyfriend Mike: I’m on my way!

February 07, 8:37 AM

Bill: I have a question.

Boyfriend Mike: My ears are open.

Bill: Cabin

Boyfriend Mike: Excellent question.

Bill: Has extra bedrooms

Boyfriend Mike: Perfect, I was wondering if there would be a way to protect my virtue :)

Bill: Shithead

Bill: No, I mean we should invite every1 else.

Boyfriend Mike: Oh, that’s a cute idea.

Bill: Thank u. I am adorable.

Boyfriend Mike: Exactly how big IS this cabin?

Bill: Try not 2 judge

Bill: I had just sold film rights 4 attic room. I was on an ego trip

Boyfriend Mike: How big is it?

Bill: We would all b able 2 fit.

Boyfriend Mike: Has Bong Joon-Ho taught you nothing?

Bill: Shut ur fuck

Bill: I know it’s a bit last min but worth a try?

Boyfriend Mike: Bev and Ben love camping in theory, so it would be right up their alley.

Bill: In theory?

Boyfriend Mike: They would like to enjoy the outdoors enough to justify sleeping on the ground.

Bill: What abt E?

Boyfriend Mike: Trickier.

Bill: Richie-wise or in general?

Boyfriend Mike: I have never known the man to be on vacation, but Richie would add a layer.

Bill: I’d hate 4 him not 2 b there!

Boyfriend Mike: Me too, but just know it’ll be a hard sell. I can talk to him.

Bill: & I’ll take Richie’s temp abt it

Bill: Sooner rather than later since SB is 3wks away

Boyfriend Mike: Sure. You coming back to bed?

Bill: Shelley just finished taking her shit so yes

Boyfriend Mike: Romance :3

397.

Bev’s phone, Monday afternoon.

Bev: [cut off] to look at another oatmeal-colored shift dress I’m going to break my TV.

Murray Han: I’m torn because half of me is like “that waistline was more popular in the 18th century actually” and the other half of me is like “why isn’t this orphan wearing anything gold-embroidered???”

Bev: you might be an urchin but you can still look expensive! hahahahahaha

Murray Han: I don’t care if you have tuberculosis bitch put some ribbons in your hair!!!!

February 08, 2:53 PM

Murray Han: I’m drowning in prep work but I’m SO excited for you to get back into town

Bev: I’m excited to BE back!!!!!!

Murray Han: 🤩

Bev: I’m dying to know what that stripey swatch from instagram is lol

Murray Han: Oh, I see your priorities

Bev: I’M AN ARTIST, MURRAY

Murray Han: Funny how no one ever says that to explain being super nice and considerate

Bev: 🖕

Bev: I’ve been packing for three days. I keep second-guessing my outfits

Murray Han: You absolutely are not. You’re Bev Marsh!

Bev: I normally wouldn’t! but the jeans, weird blazer, unflattering white tank look keeps appearing in my dreams

Murray Han: That was a different time. Don’t manifest it

Bev: I’m trying not to lol

Murray Han: Are you bringing anything you made for yourself?

Bev: not a lot that’s from scratch, but a couple things!

Murray Han: Wear them to lunch on Saturday, throw Serena a bone, she’s obsessed with you

Bev: well, it’s all part of being an icon. lmao

Murray Han: Yes ❤️ you add an extra panel to that skirt ❤️ everyone wants it to be fuller

Bev: finally my gospel has reached the people.

Murray Han: That’s enough gas for you. Tell me I should definitely wear the green suit for the Claiborne show and everyone in the room will want to fuck me

Bev: you should definitely wear the green suit for the Claiborne show and everyone in the room will want to fuck you

398.

Eddie’s phone, Monday afternoon.

Bev: I know ❤️

Eddie: I don’t think concerts sound fun at all

Bev: I know ❤️

February 08, 4:09 PM

Bev: hey do you want to go on a run??

Eddie: What the fuck

Eddie: Since when do you like running

Bev: I could like running!

Eddie: Why

Bev: I’m all full of energy

Bev: too jazzed up about nyfw. hahaha

Bev: I thought to myself, this must be what Eds feels like! and here we are

Eddie: I can’t today I have a meeting with Myra

Eddie: I’m training for that marathon though so I’ll be running Tuesday Thursday Saturday Sunday

Bev: oh god no. this is an urge that will last for the next half hour, tops. lmao

Bev: how are you feeling about she who must not be named?

Eddie: I want to bite a two by four

Bev: as long as you don’t bite a human person!

Eddie: I tried to prepare for it but this is as far as I got

Eddie: [image: a Google Doc titled MEETING PRIORITIES]

\--

**MEETING PRIORITIES**

**Introduction**

“It would be great if at minimum we could finish talking about the house. We do not have to get into sundries unless you have a finished list but if you can come to an agreement about the house then you can stop paying that mortgage and move into a nice apartment. For the love of god” (Alcott, 2021)

**Table of Contents**

  1. Methods
  2. Priorities
    1. House
    2. Investments



**Method**

**Procedure**

  * Avoid eye contact to minimize stress
  * Do not storm out
  * Again



\--

Bev: well I suppose you have a pretty clear idea of what not to do!

Eddie: I fucking hope so

February 08, 5:15 PM

Eddie: So guess what I did

399.

Eddie’s phone, Monday afternoon.

Eddie: So guess what I did

Bev: hold on, I’ll need a minute to think about this. lol

Eddie: You’re a dick

Bev: why did you storm out?

Eddie: Frustrated

Eddie: It’s like we can’t stay on topic or some shit

Eddie: We start out negotiating stuff to do with property and the house and stuff you know real stuff and then it’s like oh it’s time to talk about Sonia and how much she hated staying here and looking after her for most of my postdoc and I’m like I fucking know that was a bad situation and a bad idea but you said you wanted to do it and can we please get back to what we cane here to do which is get fucking divorced for all the exact goddamn reasons you keep bringing up every time we try to do this

Eddie: I am not here to talk about my mother

Bev: yeah, that sounds upsetting. i would be upset

Eddie: I’m not upset I’m frustrated

Bev: k

Eddie: What

Bev: you have therapy tomorrow, right?

Eddie: Yes why

Bev: I would love to hear what he has to say to you about that

Eddie: Middle finger emoji damn it that never works

Eddie: She was the one who kept making things difficult and dragging her heels at the beginning and now she gets to act like the fucking grownup

Bev: remember when she thought you were having an affair with me?

Eddie: I try not to

Bev: hahaha I hate her so much!

Eddie: I laughed at her in front of a judge

Bev: yes you did, champ!

Eddie: I think I’m going to go back in

Bev: yes!!!

Eddie: I can handle her shit

Bev: 👏👏👏👏

Eddie: Sorry and thanks

Bev: you are my best friend. this is what I’m here for. but also, if you wanted to drop in on Ben while I’m in NYC, he tried to fix our blender but just ended up breaking it more. lmao

400.

Eddie’s inbox, Tuesday morning.

**Paul Alcott -** **M, House, etc** \- Ed, Cannot tell you how relieved I am to have house clear…

 **Simons, Carolina -** **[DU-PSYCH] Undergraduate Research Symposium** \- Valued faculty and s…

 **Institutional Review Boa… -** **IRB #8944-20** \- Dr. Kaspbrak, Please find review notes for your submitted…

 **Journal of Educational … -** **Notification: Overdue Review** \- Dr. Edward Kaspbrak, This email is your fi....

\--

Subject: M, House, etc

**Paul Alcott**

to me  ˅

Feb 9, 2021, 10:19 AM

Ed,

Cannot tell you how relieved I am to have house cleared up some. Next steps—realtor, preparing for sale, etc—M's responsibility unless you choose to get involved. Highly recommend only doing so if you feel you can keep a decent line of communication open or else things will get drawn out again. I like billable hours—ha—but YMMV. Compiling docs from shared accts—keep DETAILED records of sales etc or I will become big pillar of fire.

More liquidity = less shithole apt. Eye on the prize

Paul Alcott | Lawyer

Dufresne Group | Derry, ME

m: (207) 555-3800

t: (207) 555-7214

e: alcottp@dufresnelaw.com

401.

Eddie’s phone, Tuesday evening.

Bev: I did nothing wrong. the blender was just weak

Eddie: Did you leave a spoon in there again

Bev: no, one of Ben’s workout headphones fell in hahahaha

February 09, 6:12 PM

Eddie: Update I hate therapy

Bev: god same

Bev: did I win though?

Eddie: What

Eddie: About the thing yesterday with Myra

Eddie: ?

Bev: yes. lol

Eddie: I feel like did I win is the worst question you could ask someone about their therapy appointment

Bev: sue me. airport terminals are so boring

Eddie: And you didn’t win I haven’t seen the guy in more a year we had other shit to cover

Eddie: Have a safe flight

Bev: I will read the little pamphlet very carefully.

Eddie: Thanks

Eddie: Do you ever wish you could just age out of talking to people about your shitty parents

Bev: HAHAHAHAHA

Bev: yes. all the time.

Eddie: Have fun in New York

Eddie: Tell your friend I say hi

Bev: who, Murray?

Eddie: The one who told you I look like a hot Mike Wazowski

Bev: they’ll be very excited to hear they made that exact impression. lmao

402.

Ben’s phone, Tuesday evening.

Mike: Hey man!

Ben: Hey man! How was your day? 😃

Mike: Oh, you know, business as usual. Got some writing done. Yours?

Ben: That’s great! ✍️📓 mine was about the same. A student got me talking about Freddy Mamani so I’d forget to collect h/w.

Mike: Did you? Forget to collect the homework?

Ben: I figure if they’re willing to scheme, they probably need the break. 😂

Mike: Yeah, that’s fair. :’D

Ben: Also I did forget.

Mike: What are you and Bev doing during spring break?

Ben: Well, we meant to go camping, but we haven’t made any reservations yet, so we honestly probably won’t 🏕😅 Maybe a day trip to Portland?

Mike: How would you feel about coming up to Bill’s cabin instead?

Ben: Really?? 😃

Mike: Yeah, I think Stan and Patty are going to be there part of the week, too, and maybe Richie—you know, s’mores, sitting on the beach, taking walks. It could be a fun bonding experience :)

Ben: You wanna be sure his friends and your friends get along, huh?

Mike: Hush.

Ben: Someone’s got it ba-aad! 😈

Mike: Yes.

Ben: I like this development a lot.

Mike: I love this development, I think.

Ben: 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

Mike: You’re such a busybody.

Ben: I just love love! And yes, Bill’s cabin sounds really fun. I’ll have to talk to Bev, obviously, but she’s in the air somewhere over Boston right now, so give us a few days.

Mike: Of course! What’s Bev up to?

Ben: Spring/summer fashion week! 👜

Mike: You’re not going with this time?

Ben: No, we decided I couldn’t really afford to take the time off, and she’ll probably get more done this way.

Mike: That’s too bad.

Ben: It’s all right!!

Mike: You feel like Eeyore yet?

Ben: A little… 🐴😓

Mike: Aww, I’ll hang out with you. How’s the hot tub this year?

Ben: Open for business!!! 🤩

Mike: :D

403.

Richie’s phone, Tuesday night.

Richie: I HAVE MY OWN VERSION OF THE TIMELINE IN MY HEAD

Richie: I’M NOT HAVING SOME BABY NERD TELL ME SOMETHING THAT CONFLICTS WITH MY TRUTH

Big Bill: Ur such a fucking wet blanket!

Richie: i’m doing marie kondo with my head. i’m not going to know anything that doesn’t bring me joy

Big Bill: Ostrich motherfucker

February 09, 9:00 PM

Big Bill: Sup

Richie: ew

Big Bill: Eat my ass

Richie: absolutely not. u had ur chance

Big Bill: No I didn’t?

Richie: haha no u didn’t

Big Bill: Any! Way! How’s things!

Richie: fucking. busy

Richie: steve’s breathing down my neck to get moving on his projects, and then i had to review a shitload of cvs for a new hire next year, and that’s on top of trying to coordinate things for my own study, and then yesterday my fucking refrigerator blew out, and also i’m really not complaining about it but having a love life is kinda cutting into my sleep schedule.

Big Bill: Keeping u up at night, huh? 😏

Richie: it’s not that exciting!

Big Bill: Oh, ouch!

Richie: fuck you! like, it’s good, but stop thinking about it

Big Bill: 😏😏

Richie: fuck you!!!

Big Bill: Ur still good 2 come 2 the cabin, right?

Richie: no, i’ve decided i hate ur fancy vacation home and i don’t want an excuse to leave derry for a week

Richie: yes i am and i’m very excited

Big Bill: Ok gr8!!!

Big Bill: So Mike’s coming also

Richie: i have heard this

Big Bill: & he’s going 2 invite B&B, u know, cause they get along so well w/ S&P & we are trying 2 capitalize on the platonic chemistry of the cat losers

Richie: that makes sense and sounds fun. i am interested in smoking weed with bev.

Big Bill: Which brings us 2

404.

Richie’s phone, Tuesday night.

Richie: ah.

Big Bill: Sincerely, there is no pressure 2 b ok w/it one way or the other!

Big Bill: Mike says E doesn’t like traveling during SB as a rule! So even if we did ask it’s unlikely he’d go. But, u know, he’s 1 of Mike’s good friends, so it did come up.

Richie: huh

Richie: u haven’t asked him yet?

Big Bill: Nope, wanted 2 see how u felt abt it 1st.

Richie: i’m touched, billiam.

Big Bill: Ew (said in Richie voice)

Richie: i mean it! i’m glad we have a solid friendship! can’t a guy appreciate a solid friendship around here?

Big Bill: Well thx. I appreciate it 2.

Big Bill: So how do u feel abt it? Or u can sleep on it & get back 2 me.

Richie: no, i think i’m actually fine with it.

Big Bill: Yeah??? I rly promise there’s no pressure

Richie: no, u should ask him. if he doesn’t come, then he doesn’t, and that’s fine, but if he does, whatever. i have a little narrative distance from the whole thing. he’s not pissing me off so much.

Big Bill: R u SURE?

Richie: well, u and mike are pretty long-term, right?

Big Bill: I hope so. I think we are.

Richie: so it’s going to come up eventually, and apart from the sleep deprivation, i’m feel pretty good about life. i’m cool with it.

Richie: the ground at the cabin is soft and crumbly for burying hatchets

Big Bill: That’s terrifying of u 2 say!!

Big Bill: Thanks, Richie

Big Bill: Get some sleep!

Richie: can’t make me

405.

Betty’s phone, Wednesday afternoon.

Betty: [cut off] yea if u crank the height up it should be better

baby #4 (andre): Ok that worked!!

baby #4 (andre): Thanks so much Betty!!! 😅😅

Betty: 😌 anytime kid

February 10, 12:46 PM

Betty: got done early, u didn’t miss much

Betty: richie said he’d email u the link to the tutorial for the thingy

baby #4 (andre): For the what???

Betty: lmao he literally said “for the thing” but he was talking about visualizations so i think he meant dataviewer

baby #4 (andre): Oh cool!

Betty: he was like “sorry i’m dead on my feet today” so i think he’s like very ok with u being home sick cause it means he can procrastinate more

baby #4 (andre): Oh perfect because I am also definitely not coming in tomorrow lol

Betty: mad respect dude

Betty: take care of them sinuses

Betty: ek also said to be super careful with how you (the RAs generally) schedule participants cause he had to move a bunch of stuff over from the public lab calendar to the one that’s just-us

baby #4 (andre): Aight, I can handle that

Betty: adrian is threatening to make you soup??? so that should either motivate u to get well soon or make u stay in bed longer. up to u

baby #4 (andre): Hahahahaha amazing

baby #4 (andre): Thanks for the notes!

Betty: [image: a cartoon dog holding up an OK sign with a caption reading “no problem…….”]

406.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday afternoon.

Google Docs:

TO-DO 2/10

  * Get replacement monitor from ITE Not ready yet, come back Fri
  * Apply revisions for T-TAP IRB
  * **OVERDUE** JEP REVIEW!!!
    * Transfer from pdf to use text-to-voice
    * Need to find new schedule block for revisions since Saturdays not allowed
  * Update PY340 quiz w/ ch5 from new edition
  * Take out ILL for Libenson, Cohen books Will be ready 2/19
  * TELL RAs TO LABEL OUTWARD & INWARD APPOINTMENT SLOTS SEPARATELY
  * Email PY219 TAs ⅓ finished grading
  * Email Paul re: portfolio docs
  * Email M re: things in basement, repairs
  * Do not get stubborn as “payback” for the way she irritates me
  * Download that stupid meditation app
  * “Re-engage with the ways [my] mother affected [my] locus of control in personal relationships”
  * “Understand [my]self as evolving, able to behave differently in the future”
  * Punch wall???
  * Go on run
  * R headlight still out



407.

Eddie’s inbox, Wednesday afternoon.

New Message Draft

To:  [ rtozier@derry.edu ](mailto:rtozier@derry.edu)

Subject:

Body: Your headlight is still

\--

Subject: Keys

**Edward Kaspbrak** <ekaspbrak@derry.edu>

to Richard  ˅

Feb 10, 2021, 1:36 PM

Dr. Tozier,

Can I borrow your keys for a few minutes?

EK

\--

**Richard Tozier**

to me  ˅

Feb 10, 2021, 1:40 PM

Sure. You lock yourself out of the lab or something?

I’ll leave them in the grad office while I’m teaching. Help yourself.

Tozier

\--

Subject: Thanks for Your Purchase!

**AutoZone**

to me  ˅

Feb 10, 2021, 1:35 PM

[image: a banner showing a woman changing a tire on a red Jeep, with the AutoZone logo underneath]

408.

Richie’s phone, Wednesday night.

Richie: [cut off] if you ever try to talk to me about this i will rip your nose off your face and eat it.

January 08, 3:23 PM

Edward Kaspbrak: We need to talk.

Richie: is it an emergency?

Edward Kaspbrak: No

Richie: then why are you texting me about it

Edward Kaspbrak: But it’s important

Edward Kaspbrak: Are you serious

February 10, 6:43 PM

Richie: did you replace my fucking headlight?

Edward Kaspbrak: [typing indicator]

Edward Kaspbrak: [typing indicator disappears]

Richie: you don’t have to do that shit, u know?

Edward Kaspbrak: Sorry

Richie: it’s not bad it’s just

Richie: you don’t have to, like, make anything up to me

Edward Kaspbrak: That’s not why I did it

Richie: why the hell did you, then??

Edward Kaspbrak: Because I could fix it

Richie: jesus

Richie: thanks, though. for the help.

✓ Read

409.

Bev’s phone, Thursday.

February 11, 4:18 PM

Husband: Everything good in tinseltown? 📸

Bev: that’s Hollywood, babe

Husband: The city of lights? 👗🕶

Bev: Paris

Husband: 😇😇

Bev: hahahaha it’s good! chaotic, but good! I do actually have to run to a panel exactly right now

Husband: Well I hope you have a great time! I love you 🐝❤️

Bev: thank you darling. love you too. mwah!

\--

February 11, 5:23 PM

Bev: that buyer from LA was cute!

Murray Han: I know! I went out with her last year

Bev: lmao

Murray Han: It ended very badly. Fashion continues to be a terrible fucking industry to date in

Bev: whatever do you mean?? I think putting a bunch of narcissists into the glamour hunger games is an excellent strategy for forming healthy human connections. lol

Murray Han: Like watching A-list actors date, except worse, because we don’t make that much money

Bev: can barely even cash in on the relationship via sponsored social media posts

Murray Han: I think you figured it out. Lock down a normie and call it a day. Like how Victorian dudes had really nice wives so they could go to the office and do exploitation of the global south and then come home and remember values exist

Bev: Ben is my angel of the hearth? lmao

Murray Han: Yes

Bev: I mean, he’s not mother Theresa, he’s just not selfish

Bev: which I will admit I did find confusing and suspicious at first.

Murray Han: You guys have the kite and the string thing. The grounded one and the wee-woo one

Bev: oh, please. we’re both the kite. nobody in my household ever remembers what day it is

Murray Han: But you have, like, an anchor to something else. A career and a life. Truly the modern woman who can do it all 😩

Bev: career is a little generous lol

Murray Han: I’m inspired. I’m gonna start dating accountants or some shit

Bev: you JUST gave your number to a photographer

Murray Han: It’s like going on a diet, I’ll start tomorrow

410.

Ben’s phone, Thursday night.

Ben: Hey, man! 👋🏻

Herman: heyyy whatsup little guy!

Ben: Nothing much, what’s up with you?

Herman: oh all kindsa stuff. I’m gonna boil some film and see what it tastes like.

Ben: Like...the water you boiled it in?? 😬

Herman: no man! the photos

Herman: I’m gonna see what flavor they have

Herman: I have this one set of shoe pictures that need a little something

Ben: Of course, that makes sense.

Herman: I was going to get into birdwatching next month but photography is FUN

Ben: If it sparks joy, it sparks joy! 🤩⚡️

Herman: speaking of joy! to what do I owe the pleasure of this text?

Ben: Nothing in particular!

Herman: hum

Ben: Bev’s out of town and I walked through the beer aisle and I needed something to do with my hands. But I would have wanted to catch up with you anyway!

Herman: and have we escaped the beer aisle?

Ben: Yep I’m checking out right now!

Herman: my man!!!

Herman: how is the loverly beverly?

Ben: Really good! She’s been going to more industry events, which is a big deal because of how hard it was for her to leave her job, so I’m really happy for her that she’s on this trip.

Herman: you are happy FOR HER... but FOR YOU?

Ben: She’s doing wonderful things, and instead of being excited for her, I keep thinking about how I have to make sure I don’t spiral just because I’m by myself.

Herman: but you are not your thoughts, little guy

Ben: Having the worry is normal, I can look at it and let it go, it’s the action that matters, etc

Herman: look at the old pro, huh!

Ben: Thanks, Herman.

Herman: what’s a sponsor for!!! you want one of these pictures?

Ben: I’d love one.

Herman: I’ll mail it to you 😎

411.

Richie’s phone, Friday morning.

Richie: i’m the king of innuendos and even i’m struggling to figure out what that would mean

Tahir: That’s because monarchy isn’t an effective way to distribute power

February 12, 9:05 PM

Richie: thoughts on valentine’s day?

Tahir: As a capitalism thing, disgusting

Tahir: As a reason to see you again, huge fan

Richie: wow, scooch over, there’s room for both of us on this page

Richie: unfortunately, i did agree to babysit for s&p on vday a month ago when i DIDN’T have a charming gentleman caller to consider.

Tahir: Absolutely gutting

Richie: i know

Tahir: Is that Sunday?

Richie: yes it is

Tahir: What are you doing on Saturday?

Richie: great question. nothing

Tahir: Okay then, I’ll see you at 7

Richie: just like that?

Tahir: No, you have to do a scavenger hunt first

Richie: and this after i called u charming

Tahir: I’m putting the first clue inside a brick of tofu—you’re not allowed to use your hands

Richie: this is targeted. u should be nice to me

Tahir: Is that what you’re into, you little freak

Richie: yes it is

Tahir: Hot

Tahir: I’m gonna knock your socks off

Richie: damn, just the socks?

Tahir: Be nice to me back and we’ll see what happens

Richie: i’m being nice! i’m leaving your whole valentine’s day open for potential dates!

Tahir: Well, I’m not seeing anyone else

Tahir: Are you?

Richie: no, definitely not.

Tahir: Good.

Richie: you don’t fuckin beat around the bush, do you?

Tahir: I could probably afford to be more delicate

Richie: no, it’s a good thing

Richie: i’m not much of a psychic

411.

Someone else having a Friday, somewhere in Boston.

**frida 🔒**

@eudoh98

Oh my god.

[image: a screenshot from a Gmail inbox reading “...ulations! - Dear Elfrida, On behalf of the Derry University com…]

1:55 PM · Feb 12, 2021

**frida 🔒**

@eudoh98

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

1:57 PM · Feb 12, 2021

**frida 🔒** @eudoh98  · Feb 12

Replying to @eudoh98

Yes I checked my email during class. Keep your mouth shut. Derry wants to give me money and a PhD so you can’t say anything to me right now

**frida 🔒**

@eudoh98

Someone knock me out so I can wake up and experience this again. Catch me in Dr. Tozier’s inbox like do you want to make friendship bracelets?????? Pws

1:58 PM · Feb 12, 2021

**frida 🔒**

@eudoh98

Terror of deciding between Derry and Boston postponed until Monday. This weekend we turn up (play Battlefront II)

2:00 PM · Feb 12, 2021

**frida 🔒** @eudoh98  · Feb 12

Replying to @eudoh98

Do you think Richard Tozier PhD wants to play Battlefront II with me

413.

Bev’s phone, Saturday morning.

Eds: [cut off] hot Mike Wazowski

Bev: they’ll be very excited to hear they made that exact impression. lmao

February 13, 10:57 AM

Bev: I’m a tough fucking bitch with valuable skills

Eds: That’s true

Bev: I know my worth

Eds: You do know your worth

Bev: you don’t have to tell me that! I already know!!!

Eds: Whatever this is about kick their ass

\--

Murray Han: How was it?

Bev: oh, a total fucking insult. lol

Murray Han: Oh, no. What happened???

Bev: they wanted a limited line of tops

Murray Han: Gross

Bev: like, celebrity-promotion style, here are the garments we have and then you can cut holes in it or put art on it or whatever

Murray Han: EW

Bev: yeah I walked out

Bev: it’s just so shallow and blatant I could scream. I’m not a fucking mascot. I’m not gonna sign a bunch of t-shirts so that some exec at Marc fucking Jacobs can put a feminism spin on their outlet offerings or whatever

Bev: I’m not gonna turn around and make fucking merch for my tragic backstory to pad the margins of some company that didn’t have shit to say to me when the New York post was running color commentary on my divorce but picked up the phone when it became commercially convenient to be against violence against women. it’s disgusting

Bev: I’m not a trinket god fucking dammit I am an artist

Murray Han: Burn the office down

Bev: tempted!!!!!!!!! tempted

Murray Han: How are you doing? You want, like, a green juice, or a horse tranquilizer, or maybe a kickboxing dummy?

Bev: YES TO ALL

Bev: no, I’m just gonna walk around the block until I stop seeing red

Bev: ugh. UGH

Murray Han: Let it all out!!!!!

Murray Han: But are you still good for lunch in an hour?

Bev: right. yes

Bev: yes I am

Murray Han: I think it’ll be a step up

414.

Richie’s phone, Saturday evening.

Chat title: CALDER

Betty: [cut off] she said we had to use poster putty instead of tape

Richie: god bless bureaucracy

Edward Kaspbrak: That’s very stupid

Edward Kaspbrak: The Ed lab probably has some you can borrow

February 13, 6:47 PM

Edward Kaspbrak: Custodial staff says there was a mouse in the lab

Betty: not it!

Betty: i have a hot date

Don: Seconded

Richie: thirded

Adrian: I am very busy at the exact same time as Don

Betty: this is a professional space adrian

Edward Kaspbrak: Jesus no none of you have to do anything about it

Edward Kaspbrak: Maintenance is putting out traps but I just wanted to let you know

Edward Kaspbrak: Sometimes buildings just have mice but everyone be extra careful about leftovers and food storage

Edward Kaspbrak: Don’t want any cables to get chewed through

Richie: [draft] ur one to talk, takeout king

\--

Notification: MESSAGES

**Tahir**

I didn’t know you smoked

415.

Richie’s phone, Saturday evening.

Tahir: I didn’t know you smoked

Richie: ??

Richie: oh hi! i’ll be right down

Tahir: No worries, I know I’m early

Richie: and i don’t, usually.

Richie: just have the bad habit of buying a pack when i’m stressed

Richie: it’s gross

Tahir: Honestly, I know it’s terrible for you, but it does add something to the scruffy academic vibe

Richie: it’s all the sucking and blowing

Tahir: What are you stressed about? Not tonight, I hope

Richie: no, i find u just stressful enough that u think it’s flattering but not so much that u think i’m weird

Tahir: I find it very flattering when you act weird

Richie: and nah, just work stuff

Richie: i think my old advisor might be an asshole

Tahir: Aren’t they all

Richie: hey!

Tahir: No offense to the academics in the room

Richie: like, a real asshole, not just the amount of asshole you’d expect

Tahir: You don’t know how much asshole I expect!

Richie: like i just found out my program admitted a student who works with him right now and my first thought was like “yikes i should really get her out of there”

Tahir: Well, was he a dick to you?

Richie: maybe? i mean, you expect some dickishness

Richie: but he still wanted to work with me after i graduated. but he’s been making me miserable all year. but then again i’m also just sort of lazy so that could be that

Tahir: Well, hating your advisor is a time-honored tradition

Richie: but no, i think he’s just an asshole

Tahir: It’s not like you have to earn the privilege of thinking he’s an asshole—if he sucks, he sucks

Richie: i can’t believe you just handed me asshole privileges.

Tahir: Boo, I made that joke first

Richie: boo me all you want. i saw the flowers. u want this

Tahir: There’s no way for you to know that

Tahir: I’m extremely subtle

416.

Eddie’s phone, Saturday night.

Eddie: How is Ben

Mike: He was looking at animal shelter websites, so I had to distract him with eBay listings for rare LEGO.

Eddie: The big guns

Mike: Actually, I was just talking to him tonight about Spring Break.

Eddie: Oh are you going somewhere

Mike: That’s what I was about to ask you!

Eddie: Have you met me

Mike: Look, a bunch of us are going up to Bill’s cottage for the week, and I think you should come. It’s going to be fun :D

Eddie: A bunch of you

Mike: Yeah, we thought it would be a good opportunity for everybody to bond. You know, since my relationship with Bill is going so well. It would really be a nice step forward.

Eddie: Are you guilt tripping me right now

Mike: I’m inviting you on a fun vacation!

Eddie: You know I can’t I always have shit to catch up on during the break

Mike: What happened to that whole “life before work” thing? >:|

Eddie: It is hard Michael

Mike: If this is about Richie, he IS going to be there, but Bill already talked to him and he also thinks you should come.

Eddie: Oh well if Bill already talked to him

Eddie: Bro I just can’t go

Eddie: The whole life before work thing means I’m behind on stuff okay I just actually need that week

Mike: Well, the invitation stays open in case you change your mind.

Eddie: You guys have fun

Eddie: Also I could give less of a shit about what Richie’s doing

\--

Google Docs

  * Gets along with my friends even thogh Internet says we’re not supposed to have the same ones
    * Maybe ok as long as we aren’t touchy and don’t sit on the same side of the table??
    * Bumping knees under table ok probably
  * Makes suggestive jokes about all of his friends apaprently
  * Show off about facts about electoral college
  * Smokes when stressed (11 minutes off of life per cigarette)
  * Implied that he had a hot date in the work group chat where we do work



417.

Sunday, Richie’s phone.

Richie: i was thinking about asking u for fashion advice but i talked myself down from it. thank god

Big Bill: 🖕🖕🖕🖕

February 14, 10:05 AM

Big Bill: So Mike talked 2 Eddie

Richie: before u finish that sentence, please be advised that i am having a very nice morning.

Big Bill: O r u, dickchard

Richie: it’s that natural sense of poetry that earned you the title of america’s okayest horror writer

Big Bill: It is so bizarre that ur not anyone’s little brother.

Richie: say that to stan and get the shit beat out of u

Big Bill: Y’s ur morning so nice?

Richie: well, billy, sometimes grownups have special sleepovers

Big Bill: Nice

Big Bill: The mooshy eyelashes

Richie: the what?

Richie: u have three minutes to say ur piece before my pancakes get cold

Big Bill: Aww he made u pancakes

Richie: i made them? i’m a great host

Big Bill: Well I don’t think it’ll ruin ur morning. Eddie’s not coming 2 the cabin

Richie: that little asshole.

Big Bill: ??? U want him 2 go?

Richie: i’m, like, a grownup now. i’m into communication and conflict resolution

Richie: and i don’t NOT get an ego trip from being the bigger person

Big Bill: Ur bodysnatched

Richie: i don’t know. the idea of that nerd spending a week alone at home makes me sad. doesn’t it make u sad??

Big Bill: Well he said he has work stuff

Richie: in the way where he actually does or he’s just trying to avoid me?

Big Bill: How should I know?

Richie: that’s fair. the guy’s fucking hard to read

Big Bill: I mean if u say so

Richie: 3 minutes are up. best wishes getting laid tonight

Big Bill: Do u have no confidence in my game???

February 14, 11:20 AM

Big Bill: Richie don’t fuck w me do u think I’ll need luck getting laid?!?!?

418.

Bev’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

Eds: That’s true

Bev: I know my worth

Eds: You do know your worth

Bev: you don’t have to tell me that! I already know!!!

Eds: Whatever this is about kick their ass

February 14, 1:54 PM

Eds: Therapy sucks I don’t want to be in touch with emotions

Eds: I’m trying to fix the windows but I keep thinking about how bad I wanted to burn this living room set when I was still living here

Bev: don’t commit arson without me baby!

Bev: are you at your mom’s house?!

Eds: I mean it’s Myra’s now

Eds: Not for long though I guess the realtor thinks it could be ready to show by spring break

Bev: ok but why the hell are YOU there? I thought the deal was selling is her responsibility

Eds: Yeah but we also agreed to split costs and I’m not paying a bunch of townies $35 an hour to do shit I can do myself

Bev: you’re literally a townie

Eds: So the fuck are you

Eds: I’m zero dollars an hour though

Bev: ugh, I feel obligated to ask how the old ball and chain is

Eds: She’s not here she has work

Bev: ...does Myra know you’re in her house fixing her windows? haha

Eds: Technically it is also my house still a little

Eds: And obviously yes Dave is here and everything

Bev: wow, happy valentine’s day to your ex-wife’s current boyfriend!! how festive!!

419.

Bev’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

Eds: Fiancé

Eds: They got engaged I think at Thanksgiving

Bev: so THAT’S why she got amped about divorce proceedings all of a sudden. lmao

Eds: Oh do you think so

Eds: I guess that makes sense

Bev: future happiness beats petty revenge. or so I’ve heard

Eds: Dave is repugnant they’ll definitely be happy together

Bev: bold assertion from the guy hanging out with him on international sex day

Eds: Well it’s not like I had anything else to do but how’s the Valentine’s spirit in the airport hypocrite

Bev: how’d you know??

Eds: I never forget a flight number

Bev: cute ❤️

Bev: you know you could make other plans for the evening. you’re not dead yet lol

Eds: Can we not Bev I’m still working through the you know the Richie thing and the guilt and you know

Bev: sure, yeah

Eds: Anyway how was NYC

Bev: great! but also terrible. but amazing! but weird! I’ll give you the rundown when I’m done processing haha

Eds: I’m glad

Eds: For the good parts at least

Eds: Fly safe the weather looks like fucking shit

Bev: I so will

Bev: good luck w/the windows, tool man

Eds: Wish me luck with the garbage disposal instead I bet she cursed it to eat my arm

420.

Richie’s phone, Sunday night.

Richie: [cut off] of the breakdown next time haha

Stan Francisco: Admirable foresight.

Richie: how much did that hurt to say

Stan Francisco: Femur fracture. Check your email, I’ll send you the garage website.

Richie: 😘😘😘😘😘

February 14, 5:30 PM

Stan Francisco: 6:00?

Richie: rats! I actually joined the circus, so i can’t make it.

Stan Francisco: Well, I’m glad you’re spending more time with your birth parents, but you should really honor your obligations.

Richie: this is why my comedy career didn’t take off. u were always supposed to be my other half 💔

Stan Francisco: I think I have too many mood disorders to be in comedy.

Richie: i’d argue that nobody else has ENOUGH

Stan Francisco: You should’ve said so before I became a CPA and had all these children.

Richie: purely selfish on my part; i’ve been angling to be a cool uncle since junior high

Stan Francisco: Hurry up then, Uncle Richie.

Richie: i’m COMING!

Stan Francisco: E is off TV until her earth science assignment is done. S almost broke the light in the basement storage room, so if you hear soccer ball noises, grab the spray bottle.

Richie: ah, my favorite uris trait: keen awareness of when to stop

Stan Francisco: In theory she’s getting ready for club season.

Richie: working through some kind of angst, got it

Stan Francisco: Safe bet.

Richie: omw

421.

Sunday night, Bev’s phone.

Husband: You know me, I kept busy!

Husband: You should get some sleep, though 😴⏰

Bev: you’re killin me smalls

Bev: but you’re right, goodnight, i love you, etc etc etc

Husband: Yeah, goodnight, Benny. Love you too 💓💕💘

February 14, 3:26 PM

Husband: How’s everything going? The weather doesn’t look too promising 😬🌨

Bev: they moved the departure time half an hour, but i should still be there by 7!!

Bev: I put my dress in my carryon so I can change on the plane. lol

Husband: Beautiful of face and mind 😌

Bev: I know, right

February 14, 4:16 PM

Bev: we’re still fine!

Husband: 👍👍👍

February 14, 5:09 PM

Bev: they pushed it again haha 🔪🔪

Husband: I saw on the app 😭

Husband: If you go straight to the restaurant we’ll still be there in time?

Bev: I’ll plan on doing that!!! as long as it doesn’t get moved any more

February 14, 6:01 PM

Bev: shit.

Husband: Yeah, shit.

Bev: I’m sorry, honey.

Husband: What’s there to be sorry for? You might wield incredible power but you can’t control the weather 🧙🏼♀️✨🌨

Bev: I just am.

Husband: Well, it’s a capitalism holiday, right?

Bev: but you love it!

Husband: I will also love eating takeout with you in pajamas in our living room.

Bev: I just, I know you and your romantic dinners and your gestures. it was gonna be really nice.

Husband: The dinner part is pretty inconsequential as long as you come back to me.

Bev: will you still respect me after I have a meldtown in an airport terminal

Husband: Are you okay??

Bev: I just miss you and I wish I was home.

422.

Mike’s phone, Monday morning.

Mike: Okay, have you heard the term wife guy? XD

Ben: Bev wants to be the wife guy in the relationship 😚👩❤️💋👨

Mike: That tracks.

Mike: Bill’s in my driveway, but talk to you later?

Ben: Sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you! Have fun 👨❤️💋👨🎉

Mike: :) :)

February 15, 11:57 AM

Mike: Are you reunited?

Ben: Yeah! Yeah, she got in around ten

Mike: Good, I’m glad :)

Ben: Me too! Fuck snow, though.

Mike: Harsh words, Tex.

Ben: I’m a passionate guy! 😤🔥

Ben: How about you? Did you have a good night?

Mike: My god.

Ben: I hesitate to ask but I am still going to ask, because you are my friend.

Mike: First of all, I do not kiss and tell. That’s between me and Bill and honestly probably Bill’s neighbors.

Ben: 😐👍

Mike: I got wooed, man.

Ben: I LOVE wooing 🥺

Mike: I know.

Mike: He got Shirley to let us have dinner at the cafe after close. There were candles. There may have been flowers.

Ben: 😭Bev got me flowers!!

Ben: Solid wooing. Classic moves. Befriending Shirley was a nice twist 🏅👌

Mike: Yeah, he gets invested like it’s easy.

Mike: And, you know, they have a record player.

Ben: If you slow-danced to vinyls with that man, I am going to kill between three and six people.

Mike: Hope I don’t know any of the people.

Mike: :)

Ben: I don’t want to go to his cabin anymore. 🤢🤮

Ben: I’m kidding!!

Mike: I know :P

Ben: There better be activities though

423.

Desk of Ben Hanscom, Monday afternoon.

[image: an open envelope on a wooden desktop. The paper sticking out of the envelope says, handwritten: SUCCESSFUL EXPERIMENT ENCLOSED! CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS OF! The edge of a second piece of paper can be seen under the envelope: it has an abstract magenta-and-cyan image on it.]

\--

[image: the magenta-and-cyan image, a photo exposed in a way that left it artistically speckled and streaky.]

\--

[image: the backside of the photo, which says, handwritten: TO MY FRIEND BEN, WHO IS EXCELLENT COMPANY :) - Herman]

424.

Bill’s phone, Tuesday night.

Bill: [cut off] I don’t lie abt the important things!

Bill: $$, politics, whether or not Stan hooked up w/ the RA,

Patty: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

February 16, 5:53 PM

Bill: Hey, can I ask 4 ur help w/ something?

Patty: Of course!! ✨✨

Bill: I think I need some planning assistance.

Patty: Lesson?? Wedding?? Assassination attempt??

Bill: Have u planned an assassination?!

Patty: Not seriously!! 😂😂

Bill: That’s semantically ambiguous

Patty: What can I help you plan??

Bill: A vacation? I guess?

Bill: I know every1 will probably have an ok time, just bc it’s a week off work & we all get along & it’s a nice place, but still

Patty: If anything goes wrong you feel like you’re going to psychically will yourself into organ failure??

Bill: Yea exactly.

Patty: You came to the right person!! 😎😎

Bill: Mike is like, don’t worry abt it, every1 can figure out how 2 relax on their own & I’m like would u also take the oxygen masks off a plane just bc the pilot seems like a swell guy???

Patty: From one perfectionist to another, you’ll never be able to force anyone to understand.

Bill: I don’t know if I’m a perfectionist. I mean, have u seen the backseat of my car?

Patty: It’s like DSM criteria. You have to tick 6/10 boxes, or whatever. Maybe you don’t have “neat freak,” but you do have “people pleaser.” 🤣🤣

Bill: Hahahaha please tell me u have a complete list written up.

Patty: I could probably make up a few!!

Patty: Risk aversion? 🤔🤔

Patty: Maybe feelings of social displacement in early childhood

Bill: So the cabin

Patty: Right!! I think we should start with a grocery list. Do you know dietary restrictions?? How do you feel about spreadsheets??

Bill: However u tell me 2 feel abt spreadsheets?

Patty: I personally love them!!

Bill: Spreadsheets it is

425.

Bill’s phone, Wednesday afternoon.

Chat title: spring break

February 17, 3:45 PM

Bill: Hello all

Richie: ominous

Bev: where’s the body?

Boyfriend Mike: They sell lye at Home Depot, but I’m not volunteering my bathtub.

Bill: This is fun 4 me

Bev: that’s really fucked up, Bill. don’t you feel any remorse?

\--

Chat title: bill’s guardian angels

Stan: It’s the writer’s block. It drives him to madness.

Bill: I wish they still charged u money 2 send texts. Maybe then u would think b4 u speak.

Richie: the rise of fascism. right out in the open.

Ben: I’m listening!!! 👂👍

Bill: I just need 2 know if any of u have fucking allergies.

\--

Chat title: bill’s personal demons

Bev: weakness

Richie: small dicks

Stan: Is that why you always have hives?

Bill: Food allergies, 4 vacation food, bc we r going on vacation.

Bill: This is a group text 4 logistics, not the new yorker caption contest

Patty: I love you all but I am teaching a class!! We all know everyone’s funny!! You don’t have to prove it!!

\--

Chat title: cabin losers

Ben: I’m lactose intolerant, but that doesn’t affect how I live my life 😌🧀

Richie: i can’t eat small dicks

Bill: This is going 2 b an exhausting week, isn’t it.

Boyfriend Mike: It’s going to be really fun and relaxing, and we’re all looking forward to it. <3

Bev: I am BEYOND excited!

Bev: I could really, really use it hahahahaha

426.

Bev’s inbox, Wednesday afternoon.

Subject: RE: Saturday

**Murray Han**

to me  ˅

Feb 17, 2021, 3:29 PM

Hey Bev!

I hope you had a safe flight back to Maine! It was, as always, incandescent to see you again.

I also hope I didn’t blindside you too much on Saturday. I don’t want you to feel undue pressure one way or ther other; it’s just something to think about. There’s also no rush at all. Take as much time as you need to consider your options. If you have questions, you of course have my number. The first and most important thing to know is whether or not you’re at all interested.

I’m attaching basically everything I can think of that’s relevant--mission statement, staffing roster, basic compensation info, probably some stuff you don’t need to know at all. This is all informal; I’ll hand you off to Selena if you do decide to consider the offer. Again, no pressure, you have months to decide, but we would really be honored to have you join us.

Hope to see you soon!

_ Murray Han _

_ CMO, Claiborne Co. _

_ (646) 555-0901 ext. 371 _

_ 265 W. 37th St., New York City, New York _

427.

Richie’s inbox, Thursday afternoon.

**Elfrida Udoh -** **Prospective PhD questions** \- Hi Dr. Tozier! Thank you so much for your reply! I’m tot…

 **Steve Covall -** **Data collection timeline?** \- Rick, I’m getting a little worried about your current pace …

 **Andre Perez -** **Yesterday’s Lab Meeting Article** \- Hi Dr. Tozier! I thought the paper we read for yest…

 **Patricia Blum** \- **HELP** \- I have been looking at this lesson plan so long that I can’t even read it anym… [attachment: Lesson Plan B….]

\--

Subject: Re: Yesterday’s Lab Meeting Article

**Richard Tozier** <rtozier@derry.edu>

to Andre  ˅

Feb 18, 2021, 4:13 PM

Hey man!

Of course! I’m more than happy to help. Fair warning, you are awakening a beast. Pragmatics isn’t my specialty, but I think it’s extremely effing cool.

Generally speaking, pragmatics is about how you need context to actually make meaning out of language. There’s only so much that’s coded into words and grammar, right? You can say “excuse me” three different times, and nothing about the sentence changes, but you can mean “get out of my way” the first time, “I’m leaving but in a polite way” the second time, and “sorry for cursing at this job interview” the third time. The meaning is changed by who you’re talking to, what you’re responding to, and where you are. That’s pragmatics. There are introductory texts out there that explain it better than I do (ie the attached Crystal pdf).

It started as kind of a weirdo little offshoot of Saussurian (read: old-timey) linguistics, and people thought of it as almost the study of manners-- turn-taking, why we don’t use certain words in front of the pastor even if they’re grammatically “allowed”-- but now many linguists agree that we get much less meaning from the isolated, “pure” parts of language than we used to think, and that all comprehension requires “pragmatic competence.” This is kind of getting into cognitive linguistics, but one theory actually says that a type of empathy is essential for communicating with other people-- not that you have to get emotionally attached, but that you can’t have a conversation without keeping up an idea of what the other person is thinking and what they want from you. The Liu pdf has a better explanation of this, if you want.

The paper we talked about at the mtg yesterday was about a specific area called discourse analysis, which is basically studying language by looking at whole conversations or interactions. A lot of that analysis focuses on mistakes, because often this stuff comes so naturally in your day-to-day life that it’s easier to see it when it goes wrong than when it works correctly. I’m attaching a couple more case studies of “discourse failures.” The basic idea is that a conversation can fall through when you don’t have an accurate idea of who you’re talking to, what they care about, what type of language they’re used to, etc. Or maybe your ideas are accurate, but your sets of language knowledge don’t match up. If you get deep enough, you start thinking that we all walk around in our own little cloud of perceptions and experiences, and language is just a way to elbow-grease your way through trying to connect yours to someone else’s. It’s really a bold little system. You start to be amazed that it works as often as it does.

Obviously it’s possible to get lost in the sauce. Not to mention discourse analysis comes in like 300,000 flavors. Anyway, there’s a couple of other more concrete things here; I’m attaching summaries of a few theories I think could maybe apply to what you’re doing with Dr. Kaspbrak’s data about the narrative cards. Let me know if you want any of the original texts for citing.

Remember that there’s no lab mtg next week-- the olds will be at a job talk for a new teaching candidate, which you are not required to attend (but will have Shapiro’s catering, so you might still want to.)

Stay excellent,

Richie

428.

Richie’s phone, Thursday night.

Richie: [image: an oversized white cat leaning over the corner of a filing cabinet]

Richie: onion could absolutely beat the shit out of ur dog

Tahir: Alexi is like twice his size, though

Richie: 1) there’s no way for u to know that, onion is a monster, 2) onion is highly trained in the killing arts anyway

Tahir: You’re too nice to teach an animal to right

Tahir: You’re like a beefy Mr. Rogers who likes to say fuck

Richie: can i tell u something that might make u change that opinion?

Tahir: Sure?

Richie: ok so i am nice, in theory, but i have been the other man in maybe... six relationships? that i know of

Tahir: I have to give you props—that’s actually more fucked up than I expected

Richie: in my defense, i usually find out after the fact

Tahir: That sounds brutal

Richie: i’m definitely ashamed of myself, if that helps

Tahir: No, I mean brutal for YOU

Richie: like, it wasn’t awesome, but i only really cared about two of them

Richie: the rest of the time i was just fucking around and had no self-respect

Richie: which isn’t a great trait either, but u should know what ur working with

Tahir: Honestly, my last ex was fresh off having a married boyfriend, so I really don’t think it’s a deal-breaker

Richie: oh no. are u slut rehab

Tahir: I make you want to act less slutty??? I need to wear tighter shirts

Tahir: Honestly, though, maybe—that guy’s doing fantastic right now

Tahir: Should I be charging for this??

Richie: depends, would u be more conflicted about not demanding the value of ur labor or about falling victim to the capitalist trap of monetizing everything?

Tahir: Genuinely a dilemma

Tahir: Can I ask what brought this on? What’s happening in your big Minecraft head

Richie: i dunno, context

429.

Patty’s phone, Friday afternoon.

Patty: I disagree with that

Stan  🥰 : You are both brilliant an innovative, but you probably didn’t invent neurotransmitters and you certainly didn’t invent puberty.

Patty: Sometimes it really is going to be my fault, though. That’s just true!!

Stan  🥰 : Everything’s going to be fine.

February 19, 1:11 PM

Patty: We don’t have any plans for tomorrow afternoon, do we??

Stan  🥰 : Stella’s out with a friend, we’re not on carpool for Esther’s tap class, and we’re not meeting with the cantor till Sunday, so no. Why do you ask?

Patty: Okay, great, that’s what I thought!!

Patty: I’m going to go indoor skydiving with Bev 😂😂

Stan  🥰 : What in the hell is indoor skydiving?

Patty: Something that I would do only, and I mean ONLY, for the sake of female friendship.

Stan  🥰 : It is so hard to make friends as an adult.

Patty: She said that Ben and Eddie refuse to go but “they both have hot dates with houses this weekend” and I’m just so excited to be #3 on the list that I can overlook how ominous the whole thing is.

Stan  🥰 : I am just going to pray that she doesn’t get a taste for blood and try to get into real skydiving next. Not that I don’t trust your judgment.

Patty: I feel exactly the same way, baby.

Patty: It’s built onto the north side mall, so I shouldn’t be gone for more than a couple of hours!!

Stan  🥰 : Sounds good. I wish you a reasonable amount of fun and absolutely no death or injury.

Patty: Talk dirty to me  🥰🥰

Stan  🥰 : Make sure you follow all posted rules… and regulations 😘

Patty: 😩😩😩😩

430.

Patty’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Bev: [cut off] TO BACK AS A THIRTY YEAR OLD WOMAN

Patty: OKAY, UNCLE!! 😵😵

February 20, 12:32 PM

Bev: ready to get blown so hard you forget your own name???

Patty: Do the frats at this school have house moms?? You’d be great at that 🤣🤣

Bev: I do play a mean game of flip cup.

Patty That doesn’t surprise me at all!!

Bev: but then I’d have to be around them the other 23 hours of the day, and I don’t deserve that lol

Bev: here!!!!!!

February 20, 2:19 PM

Bev: [image: a guide and a guest in red jumpsuits inside an indoor skydiving tunnel]

Bev: you are SUCH a natural ❤️

Patty: I am never doing that again ❤️

February 20, 2:50 PM

Bev: omg guess which surly tween i just ran into in the bathroom by the Cinnabon!!!

Patty: Really?? She DESPISES this place!!

Bev: she’s with her little FRIEND!!!! should we take them SHOPPING.

Patty: As much as I would love to add another traumatic mall experience to our relationship montage, I’m in Stella jail right now 🤣🤣

Bev: what was it? phone? boys? homework?

Patty: A laundry-related offense. Things were shrunk. 😔😔

Bev: that’s an honest mistake lmao

Patty: I shared a bathroom with a scorpion in Morocco and laundry is what kills me. I am losing my touch.

Bev: what the fuck were your 20s???

Patty: That was last year!!

Bev: god. do you wanna go get margaritas at the T.G.I. Friday’s?

Patty: YEAH

February 20, 5:24 PM

Patty: Thanks for bringing me!! And happy early birthday!!

Bev: AHEM

Patty: Sorry, happy weekend on which there is no specific reason to celebrate!!

Bev: that’s my girl!!!

431.

Richie’s phone, Saturday.

Peppermint Patty: Your notes are saving me!! This lesson plan did almost nothing last year so I have to perfect it

Richie: differentiation is a bitch to learn no matter what. ur raging against the dying of the light, pats

Richie: “almost” nothing is admirable

Peppermint Patty: Or!! I’m raging against the dying of the light and I’m going to WIN

Peppermint Patty: And thank you for babysitting too!! I’m in favor debt 😂😂

Richie: eh, it was fun. also i let stu watch 10 things i hate about you, i’m so sorry, i forgot about the part where she flashes a teacher

Peppermint Patty: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Peppermint Patty: Did she at least enjoy herself??

Richie: she said it was sexist but kat seems really cool

Peppermint Patty: Smart girl.

Peppermint Patty: Honestly, if it actually got her to have fun, I’ll take the win. She’s been a little intense!!

Richie: yeah, stan mentioned

Peppermint Patty: That’s so weird!! He keeps telling me how normal it is!!!!

Peppermint Patty: Oh I sound like a huge bitch I’m sorry

Richie: have u missed the part where every person i like is a bitch?

Richie: am i allowed to say bitch to u? if i’m quoting? not sure how the gay rights work on that one

Peppermint Patty: I’ll allow it 😂😂

Peppermint Patty: It’s the T.G.I. Friday’s margaritas telling me to act out like a teenager

Richie: i’m gonna say to u what i say to all the boys. u can think of me as ur yawning void 

Peppermint Patty: I’m going to sound nuts

Richie: so do it!

Peppermint Patty: I’m not even mad at Stan. It’s about me. I don’t know how to do any of it!! I’m not, like, a child, I do talk to him about it, but it’s like I waited too long to admit that I know how to do a lot of things but I don’t know how to do all of this, you know, like his life has all these important things in it and I want to be a part of it all and do everything right and he’s wonderful and I love him but I just can’t get him to see that there’s a real possibility I might fuck it up!!!

Peppermint Patty: I just keep thinking, you know, who did I trick you into believing that I am???

Peppermint Patty: See, I sound crazy. I am crazy. Pretend I never said any of that.

Richie: so ur pass/fail parenting model

Peppermint Patty: I am dead serious the topic is closed.

432.

Stan’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

February 21, 2:49 PM

Richie: hey man

Stan: Hello Richard.

Richie: how’s cantor alice?

Stan: The woman you have never met is doing fine.

Richie: awesome, glad to hear it. can i offer u some unsolicited relationship advice?

Stan: I don’t know, can you?

Richie: not sure how to proceed from here

Stan: Did you expect me to roll out the red carpet for that opening line?

Richie: no!

Richie: uh. how much do u talk to patty about her relationship with stella? or i guess parenting in general

Stan: As much as I need to? We talk about the girls every day.

Richie: okay, and how much do you think it freaks her out when those things don’t go well?

Stan: I know she hates it, and we talk about it, and I try to add some longitudinal perspective. Is there any particular reason you feel like auditing this today?

Richie: i don’t really know how to say this.

Richie: i know that you’ve been through stuff that most people our age haven’t

Stan: You can say that my wife died, Richie.

Richie: WHILE you were separating and had two little kids, so ur basically emotional iron man at this point

Stan: I checked myself into a hospital afterwards.

Richie: yeah, you made a bunch of fucking mature and difficult choices, and you survived it all, and your kids are amazing, and you have this whole life!

Richie: so stuff that doesn’t seem like a big deal to you might look different to her.

433.

Stan’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

Stan: Patty isn’t a fragile person.

Richie: i know she could probably gamble her way out of a hostage situation in tsarist russia, but have you considered that maybe this is scarier to her?

Stan: I’m not an idiot! I know kids are a big deal! Do you think I take any of this lightly?!

Stan: I would personally commit murder if it meant my daughters were safe. I would commit YOUR murder. And Patty is tough and smart and kind and persistent and a good fucking person, and I happen to care about her very much. I wouldn’t have asked this of her if I wasn’t sure that she could run the baggage gauntlet.

Richie: have you said that to her?

Stan: What, do you want a transcript of our whole relationship?? She knows how I feel about her.

Richie: i’m just saying! i know you love to be stoic, but don’t you want to make sure ur not talking past each other about this?!

Stan: Well, I really appreciate your expert guidance on healthy communication.

Richie: i am JUST trying to help

Stan: I would ask for your help if I needed it.

Richie: no you fucking wouldn’t

434.

Bev’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

**Instagram**

**bev_marsh**

New York City, NY

[image: a model on a runway covered in Turkish rugs. She is wearing black gloves and a royal blue tea-length gown that looks burned, revealing the white petticoats and tulle underneath. The dress is giving off smoke.]

**1,206 likes**

**bev_marsh** I’m very proud of what I do sometimes!! F/W 2013 🔥👗

17 February 2021

\--

**Instagram**

**bev_marsh**

Derry, Maine

[image: a young Ben in jeans, a dirty white t-shirt, and a sweatband. He is on some kind of stage and appears to be crab-walking and hip-thrusting at the camera simultaneously.]

**627 likes**

**bev_marsh** once a year, my perfect and beautiful husband frees up one heinous photo from his youth for me to post online. obviously he didn’t deliver this year, because this image is high art 🖼

View all 81 comments

17 February 2021

\--

Bev: [cut off] you’re welcome bitch!!

February 21, 4:08 PM

Murray Han: Happy birthday!!! 🎉 

Bev: aw you remembered!

Murray Han: Like a steel trap! You doing anything fun?

Bev: nah, Tom put me off birthday parties forever lol

Murray Han: Oh, shit, I’m sorry.

Bev: it’s way more fun this way. we all have an extremely normal weekend in February where I get to boss everyone around

Bev: we’re making macaroni and watching bad stoner movies 😇

Murray Han: That is a way better use of your time

Bev: agreed!!

Bev: sorry I haven’t answered your email yet, by the way.

Murray Han: Don’t worry about it!

Bev: I am thinking about it, it’s just

Bev: a lot to think about. haha

Murray Han: I meant what I said about no pressure. I know you your family there and everything. And a current job, lol

Bev: my current job is mostly incidental, but yeah, I’m thinkin

435.

Bev’s phone, Sunday evening.

Bev: IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE YOU

February 21, 6:09 PM

Eds: Hope you’re enjoying your ordinary weekend in February

Bev: thank you!! I am!!

Eds: The next time you are in your car you may notice that the stereo is somewhat different

Eds: Unfortunately it is no longer able to connect to Ben’s iPod nano

Eds: He will be prevented from playing Simon and Garfunkel in your car at least temporarily. I am so sorry for my accidental mistake

Bev: LMAO

Eds: And I have to confess that your upstairs showerhead has been descaled which was also an accident

Bev: thank you, my little nightmare.

Bev: will you be joining us for Macaroni & Harold & Kumar & Cheese?

Eds: Sorry I have to catch up on some article reviews

Eds: But you guys have fun

Bev: rude as hell! and on this completely ordinary weekend in February, no less

Eds: I am sorry I’m just getting behind on shit

Bev: no prop bob, just let me know whenever you’re ahead of shit! my Eddie eye twitch reserves are getting dangerously low ☹️

Bev: we are due for a catchup

Eds: Well you know my life

Eds: Fix shit at Myra’s grade papers do research nothing new to report

Bev: have you heard of leisure?

Eds: I run

Bev: or self-care? lol

Eds: I go to therapy!

Bev: mhmm how’s that going?

436.

Bev’s phone, Sunday evening.

Eds: Shitty he just keeps trying to fucking explain to me that I can be nice to people

Bev: Keith said that??? I think you’re nice to people!

Eds: No it’s like this kick he’s on about believing that I’m capable of having a positive impact which is stupid because I know my research hey fuck you dick hole yeah that’s what I fucking thought are you trying to get sent to the emergency room because it would be easier to just fucking drive yourself there Jesus hell see you’re not gonna die of being in the right lane

Bev: you’re nice to people most of the time lmao

Eds: Sorry anyway he thinks my mother gave me control issues

Bev: well

Eds: No I know I just think damn I could have found that out for free from anyone I’ve ever met

Bev: I’m sure he brings other valuable insights to the table

Eds: I’m not quitting therapy I do want to be like fit for human society

Bev: the promised land

Eds: Yeah damn what’s it like

Bev: you’ll have to tell me when you get there ✊😔

437.

Patty’s phone, Tuesday afternoon.

Patty: No problem!!

Stan  🥰 : I should be home by 6

February 23, 3:29 PM

Patty: Stella’s biology teacher wants to recommend her for the accelerated science track next year!!

Stan  🥰 : As she should. My child is going to be the next Marie Curie.

Patty: But without all the holes in the bones 💀💀

Stan  🥰 : Obviously. Any read on Stella’s enthusiasm level?

Patty: I think you’ll have to talk to her. She just told me that it happened and she seemed stressed about it so I told her that I took a couple of advanced classes when I was her age and they ended up being fun, which I see now was not helpful information, and she said she didn’t feel well and we didn’t talk until we got home and she went upstairs.

Stan  🥰 : Stomachache?

Patty: Yep!!

Stan  🥰 : Yeah.

Patty: I left some tea outside her door. I’m making a list of maybe 1,000 better things I could have said 😭😭

Stan  🥰 : Can I ask you something? And don’t judge my word choice.

Patty: Always!!

Stan  🥰 : How much does it freak you out when something goes that way?

Stan  🥰 : When you feel like you did something wrong, I mean. Especially with S.

Patty: You know, a little.

Stan  🥰 : More than you tell me it does?

Patty: Honestly?? Yes.

Patty: It just feels like I’m still waiting to get it right. Like, one time. Just to know that I can.

Stan  🥰 : You can tell me when you feel that way.

Patty: When I do, I feel like I’m dragging you backwards, honey. Like a tourist climbing Mount Everest, sort of. I turn every little thing into this big self-centered ordeal.

Stan  🥰 : Those things are a big self-centered ordeal for me, too.

Patty: You never show it!!

Stan  🥰 : Every time Stella does something I would have done at her age, I feel like I’m going to throw up.

Stan  🥰 : I love her exactly the way she is, but I hate the fact that she is going to go through some of the same things I did. We’re so alike that I feel like I can see this map of all the places where her life is going to hurt more than it needs to.

438.

Patty’s phone, Tuesday afternoon.

Stan  🥰 : When I can stay level-headed, it’s not about selflessness; I just have decades of practice. I know that’s what she needs from me because that’s what I needed. My only other option is the bitterness feedback loop my dad and I have been stuck in since the 90s.

Stan  🥰 : I am so proud of her, and I know she’s going to be better than me, but I am terrified all the time.

Patty: First of all, fuck you. Being like Stanley Uris is one of the best qualities a person could have. 

Stan  🥰 : Maybe I want them to be like you. Maybe that’s kind of the point.

Patty: I love them, and I want to be a good thing in their lives, but I might suck!! I have the best intentions, and I’m also insecure and a control freak and capable of being intimidated by a middle schooler.

Stan  🥰 : I think you’re being a little harsh, but I don’t love you for being Carol Brady. I know who you are.

Patty: That’s the thing!! I know you love me, I have never doubted it, but you can’t love me hard enough to guarantee I’ll actually earn my spot with you. If Stella or Esther even hinted that they didn’t want this, I need you to promise me you’d pull the plug. My sincerely paradigm-shifting feelings for you be damned.

Stan  🥰 : I asked their permission before I even thought about ring shopping.

Patty: You never told me that.

Stan  🥰 : “If either of these tweens weren’t completely on board, I would have dumped you in a second” didn’t feel. Romantic?

Patty: That’s the most romantic fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my life, Stanley!!

Stan  🥰 : I know my priorities, all right? I know my daughters and our history and I know myself. I know what I can give you and what I’m asking for. I do love you, in a way I have never felt about anyone else, but I asked you to marry me because I trust you. Very literally with my whole life.

Patty: Even if I fuck up horribly as a parent??

Stan  🥰 : I sort of expect you to. I personally have already done six or seven things they’ll resent me for well into their thirties.

Patty: No, you’re a really good dad.

Stan  🥰 : That’s true too.

Patty: And you trust me??

Stan  🥰 : Completely.

Patty: So do it.

Patty: Maybe you want to hold back some of your feelings with the girls, but I don’t want you to do that with me. It was lonely.

Stan  🥰 : I promise.

439.

Richie’s phone, Wednesday morning.

Richie: i am JUST trying to help

Stan Francisco: I would ask for your help if I needed it.

Richie: no you fucking wouldn’t

February 24, 11:01 AM

Stan Francisco: I am going to say this once and only once.

Richie: oh fuck, is it this kind of day?? will i need my assless chaps?? i gotta dig up our safeword from my files

Stan Francisco: You were right. Your advice was helpful. Thank you.

Richie: what the fuck

Richie: where’s ashton kutcher??

Stan Francisco: Who?

Richie: the run of the television show punk’d coincided almost exactly with our years in undergrad, so shut the hell up

Richie: i can’t believe i’m ur brene brown

Stan Francisco: I need new friends.

Richie: i’m ur doctor phil

Stan Francisco: I’m going to put an actual ball gag on you if you don’t can it.

Richie: oh my GOD. do u promise

Stan Francisco: Eat glass.

\--

Richie: [image: Stan’s text saying “You were right. Your advice was helpful. Thank you.”]

Richie: i am so emotionally evolved today it’s unreal

Tahir: Which friend is this?

Richie: STAN! PATTY’S STAN WITH THE MORTGAGE AND CHILDREN

Tahir: Congratulations on evolving

Tahir: Any interesting anatomical changes to share with the class?

Richie: how do u feel about prehensile toes

Tahir: I could make that work

\--

Richie: it’s not bad it’s just

Richie: you don’t have to, like, make anything up to me

Edward Kaspbrak: That’s not why I did it

Richie: why the hell did you, then??

Edward Kaspbrak: Because I could fix it

Richie: jesus

Richie: thanks, though. for the help

February 24, 11:36 AM

Richie: u at neibolt? i’m about to leave for the job talk if u want to walk with me

440.

Eddie, Wednesday morning.

A PowerPoint slide in a horrible orange theme, titled “Advances in phoneme-blocking techniques for artificial intonation refinement: Michael V. Ryerson”

\--

Richard Tozier: jesus

Richard Tozier: thanks, though. for the help

February 24, 11:36 AM

Richard Tozier: u at neibolt? i’m about to leave for the job talk if u want to walk with me

Eddie: I just finished class in Freemantle so I’m already there

Eddie: Sorry

Eddie [draft]: I can save you a seat if

Eddie [draft]: Otherwise I

Eddie: Thank you though

441.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday noon.

Eddie: This isn’t going well at all is it

Richard Tozier: i cannot believe ur texting during this presentation

Eddie: Well it’s not like I have to focsu really hard to read the slides since he’s reciting them vrbatim

Richard Tozier: ZING, DR KASPBRAK

Richard Tozier: yea, this is rough. i coulda saved him the trouble. we already have one covall clone at this school. we need FRESH MEAT

Eddie: Oh do you know him

Richard Tozier: he might’ve been around at the beginning of my phd? but mostly i just recognize the research base

Richard Tozier: nobody from steve’s lab ever goes too far out of the box

Eddie: Is that why you all wear socks like that

Richard Tozier: we all????

Richard Tozier: OH NO

Richard Tozier: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Richard Tozier: I CANT BELIEVE HE SCOOPED MY FORM OF REBELLION

Eddie: Fun socks is the weeniest possible rebelion type

Richard Tozier: fuck u i wear fun shirts too

Eddie: You know you’re not just a clone, right

Richard Tozier: what?

Eddie: Of Steve

Richard Tozier: and thank god. he’s so short

Eddie: Shut up, I mean you’re more than that

Eddie: Smarter. You have ideas

Richard Tozier: nah, i owe that guy my career

Eddie: You write like all of his protocol.

Eddie: You could do whatever you want

Richard Tozier: it’s really okay. i know i’m more useful as the knockoff steve covall than the original richie tozier haha

Eddie: That’s not true!

Eddie: It’s obvious working with you

Richard Tozier: c’mon, what about you, wunderkind?

Richard Tozier: ur shit changes curriculums

Eddie: Nd everything takes me fucking forever

Richard Tozier: i’ve read your meta-research

Richard Tozier: what you do actually matters to people

Eddie: I just work hard

Richard Tozier: isn’t that honestly more important

442.

Kay’s phone, Thursday evening.

Kay: [cut off] wrote this rubric.

Audra 😊: you’re so right!!! fuck best practices!!!

Kay: Yeah! Back to multiple choice!

Audra 😊: we should go back to IQ tests as the gold standard!!!

Kay: No ☹️

Audra 😊: you’ll get through it 💕😘

Kay: 😞

Audra 😊: how was the thingy yesterday?? the demo or whatever

Kay: It was just okay. I doubt they’re gonna hire him; nobody seemed super impressed.

Audra 😊: are u guys allowed to vote people off the island???

Kay: I mean, it’s all by committee, but by the time people get to job talks, they’ve already passed the research benchmarks and stuff the department cares about. After that, they take student and teacher feedback pretty seriously, because we actually have to work with them.

Audra 😊: omg, like a nerdy chemistry read.

Kay: ...yes. Exactly. Hahaha

Audra 😊: someone must’ve really dropped the ball on the tallguy-shortguy fight club thing, lol

Kay: I can’t even imagine how you’d screen for that 😂

Audra 😊: and I guess that was more of a personal dynamic problem than a professional one

Kay: You think?

Audra 😊: you didn’t get that vibe??

Kay: I could never pin anything down. They hate each other; they’re holed up together working late and eating takeout; they hate each other again. I didn’t see them so much as make eye contact all semester until yesterday.

Audra 😊: even though your office is right next to theirs???

Kay: Between them, but yeah.

Audra 😊: that HAS to take purposeful avoidance.

Kay: Or a coincidence? I mean, I didn’t see if they talked yesterday, but I saw them smile at each other.

Audra 😊: ugh, the melodrama. in my industry they’d just bang it out

Kay: Your people are so dysfunctional.

Audra 😊: you don’t think the nemeses thing is kind of sexy???

Kay: Maybe if I had a nemesis who was a hot girl instead of a male evolutionary psychologist?

Audra 😊: shh I’m adjusting our plans for next weekend

443.

Richie’s phone, Friday evening.

Big Bill: Hmm r u bitter?

Richie: at least my students don’t like the same bars i do

Big Bill: 🖕

February 26, 6:09 PM

Richie: DONE

Big Bill: Fuck u fuck u fuck u

Richie: hey, don’t give up buddy

Richie: someday u, too, can reach academic stardom. even with those stubby little arms

Big Bill: Ok I don’t think 6 hrs b4 the deadline makes u a star.

Richie: are u sure u have time to argue with me about this? since ur midterm grades aren’t in yet and all :/

Big Bill: I hope clippy poisons ur toothpaste

Richie: that would scare me if i brushed my teeth

Big Bill: I hope clippy poisons ur lube

Richie: bitch

Big Bill: How r u going 2 survive w/o the rush of almost missing a deadline, tho?

Richie: hard drugs

Big Bill: I don’t think they let u take hard drugs if u call them hard drugs

Richie: whatever, i’m getting all the adrenaline i need from the fact that i’m blowing steve off right now

Big Bill: Research Steve?

Richie: yeah, he’s grinding my gears. i deserve a treat

Richie: it’s like an empowerment thing in my head

Big Bill: No judgment from me. I’m avoiding my agent atm 2

Richie: i honestly just assume that u always are

Big Bill: No!! I’m usually a good little writerboy who answers emails in exchange 4 the glow of approval

Big Bill: Rite now it’s just like, hey, Susan, while we r playing genre hopscotch, how do u feel abt taking a hard left into gay romance? I can’t write that email

Richie: bill, i would take a bullet for u, but if i have to read a sex scene knowing that u wrote it, my eyeballs will fall out from stress.

Big Bill: I could b good @ it!!

Richie: that’s worse. it’s worse if ur good at it

Big Bill: Suck a dick

Richie: i’m gonna but i’m not taking any fuckin notes for u

444.

Eddie’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Eddie: I think it’s supposed to help me be more aware or some shit

Bev: I hate when therapy gives you homework hahaha

Eddie: I kind of prefer it

Bev: you would

February 27, 12:51 PM

Bev: I don’t actually think the good old days were better, but I do kind of wish I was allowed to just assign grades and never explain myself.

Eddie: You enjoy the idea of tyranny

Bev: when you put it like that, it sounds bad. lol

Eddie: No I feel the same way sometimes

Eddie: I know there’s a reason the institutional review board exists but the little boxes are so fucking tedious

Bev: I mean, I trust you not to do the Stanford prison experiment

Eddie: I would trust you not to take bribes to get kids into Harvard

Eddie: Although it is also kind of reassuring sometimes I mean I bet Philip Zimbardo thought he knew what he was doing

Bev: well, you always liked a little structure. if we were both total anarchists this friendship would get too competitive lmao

Eddie: Do you not view me as competition I’m hurt by that

Bev: okay, you couldn’t STEAL my husband, but if I died, I bet he’d be in love with you eventually

Eddie: Don’t inflict that on Ben

Bev: can I ask you something?

Eddie: Sure

Bev: you’re good at putting your career first.

Eddie: I guess I’ve done it I don’t know if it’s something you can be good at

Bev: there were consequences, though, and you still did it. I guess that’s what I mean

Bev: you went to college even though Sonia didn’t want you to, and then grad school, and then you kept choosing this even though it wouldn’t be the easiest thing for you and your personal life.

Eddie: That’s technically true although it’s not like I didn’t want to be away from her anyway

Bev: right, obviously, but there were also faster or easier ways out

Bev: I promise I tried to think of a better way to phrase this, but what were you thinking?

Bev: like, how did you reason about it? Hallmark movies never give the career girl a fair shake lol

445.

Eddie’s phone, Saturday afternoon.

Eddie: I don’t really know I mean I knew I wanted to be a psychologist and that was important to me

Eddie: It was the only thing I ever learned about that made the world make more sense

Eddie: And I knew my mother hated it and there were easier ways out but I just kept thinking like she might not be around my whole life I might do shit to make it easier with her but what if I have twenty or or fifty years left in a life that I built because of how she was

Bev: dark as hell. I respect you

Eddie: It’s not like I think about death constantly it’s just it’s just I’m the only person I am guaranteed to be stuck with forever

Eddie: It’s not like I like I want to be alone it’s just I know no matter how hard you try with other people there are lots of reasons they might not be around but I know I’m going to be around

Eddie: No matter what I am going to have myself for the rest of my life so I have to be able to answer to that guy even if he’s sort of a dick

Bev: you’re not a dick! not in a bad way!

Bev: what if you think that you-in-twenty-years would want you to have a husband or something? a family? people

Eddie: I mean I’m sort of a fucked up person you know the odds are just worse

Eddie: It’s not like I haven’t tried

Bev: I know you try really hard, Eds

Eddie: I guess I just think everybody has limits so you have to put things in order

Eddie: I wanted to do this so bad it was like it was eating me and already a part of me at the same time

Bev: like being on fire.

Eddie: Yeah

Eddie: And I knew I could do it so whatever else I get in life is great but I don’t want to lose this thing because I wanted too much

Bev: huh.

Eddie: That’s kind of all of it

Bev: I know sharing your feelings isn’t usually your bag. haha

Eddie: I don’t really mind when it’s you

Bev: you know you have me, right? even if you turned into a copy of the dsm I’d be your friend

Bev: I’m eating you too 🗣🍖

Eddie: You’re fucking gross

Eddie: But same

446.

Eddie’s phone, Saturday, from a new document called the Too-Much Journal.

**Event 2/24**  
  
---  
  
Talked to R  
  
**What does it make me think?**  
  
It went okay. It seems embarrassing. He seemed okay with it. I wish I knew if he believed me or not.  
  
**What does it make me want to do?**  
  
Go on a run. Not say anything shitty. Talk to him again.  
  
**What does it make me feel? (Best guess)**  
  
Proud? Maybe happy.  
  
**Can I accept that feeling?**  
  
I think that’s fine. Wanting to fix things with him is fine.  
  
  
  


**Event 2/26**  
  
---  
  
Made to-do list  
  
**What does it make me think?**  
  
I am very behind. I don’t know how to keep up without working all the time. I know that’s not supposed to be good for you.  
  
**What does it make me want to do?**  
  
Go on a run. Rip my hair out.  
  
**What does it make me feel? (Best guess)**  
  
Anxious.  
  
**Can I accept that feeling?**  
  
That seems normal. I can’t feel that way all the time.  
  
  
  


**Event 2/27**  
  
---  
  
Talked to B  
  
**What does it make me think?**  
  
I know a lot about some things but I don’t think I would want to be me. I’m glad we’re friends. I don’t like giving advice because everyone wants to be happy so if they’re asking for advice it’s so they can choose something that would make them happier.  
  
**What does it make me want to do?**  
  
Go on a run. Go to therapy 1000 times in the next week and then say something more helpful.  
  
**What does it make me feel? (Best guess)**  
  
Grateful. Anxious a little.  
  
**Can I accept that feeling?**  
  
It makes me wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. On the other hand Bev is smart and tough. She can choose what she wants.  
  
  
  


**Event 2/27**  
  
---  
  
Remembered tomorrow  
  
**What does it make me think?**  
  
The last time I saw her she asked me to quit and I didn’t. I didn’t want to. Then I wasn’t there when it happened and I was relieved. Okay, she was horrible and I never wanted to be around her. Even if you’re on death row there’s stuff they give you, right. You get the meal and you see a pastor and have visitors if you want. She didn’t really care about anything besides me, even if she was terrible at it.  
  
**What does it make me want to do?**  
  
Go on a run. Scream. Find religion?  
  
**What does it make me feel? (Best guess)**  
  
Guilty. Angry.  
  
**Can I accept that feeling?**  
  
I am a developmental psychologist. I know how this works. It seems stupid to grieve someone you resent so much.  
  
447.

Eddie’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

Myra New Cell: Are you coming to get these boxes today?

Eddie: Not right this second I have shit to do

Myra New Cell: The snow is only going to come down harder. The roads are as good as they’ll get.

Eddie: I know so I’m running this errand now Jesus I also have the weather app on my phone

Myra New Cell: The house is so close to ready. Your old comics and things need to MOVE.

Eddie: Yeah I fucking got it

Myra New Cell: What could you possibly be doing in this weather???

Eddie: You know the date Myra what the fuck do you think I’m doing

Myra New Cell: You have to be joking.

Eddie: We’re divorcing we can stop re litigating this what a gift

Myra New Cell: I don’t get you. That woman was horrible.

Eddie: I know she didn’t treat you well

Myra New Cell: She didn’t treat anyone well!!! She made Nurse Ratched look cuddly!!! I cannot even BEGIN to understand why you do this. After everything she put us both through you still go visit her like there is anything worth remembering.

Eddie: What else am I supposed to do on the anniversary of her death watch fucking cartoons and jerk off

Myra New Cell: That is so disgusting.

Eddie: You asked about something that’s not your business

Myra New Cell: Is it yours? You weren’t even there!!

Eddie: You think I don’t fucking remember that Myra you think it just slips my mind every year that you were alone with her and I was at fucking Yale

Myra New Cell: Oh, the day you remember one single thing I EVER did for you.

Eddie: It was your god damn idea!

Eddie: I shouldn’t have let you move in when she got sick but I didn’t ask you to either

Myra New Cell: Well it’s not like we could afford anything else!!! Someone had to wash up after your little Ivy League dreams!!! Someone had to placate her while you ran around doing everything else besides confronting any of it!!!

Eddie: I really don’t know what you think I can do about that now

Myra New Cell: Whatever. Go play dutiful son. I’m sure she is just delighted that she can still manipulate you from beyond the grave.

448.

Bill’s phone, Sunday afternoon.

Bill: R u being sincere or condescending right now

Boyfriend Mike: <3

February 28, 4:18 PM

Bill: Did I just hear u leave

Boyfriend Mike: Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up :(

Bill: it’s very fine is everything ok

Boyfriend Mike: I think so? I’m just going to pick Eddie up from the cemetery.

Bill: the cemetery.

Boyfriend Mike: Yeah, since it’s kind of a rural road and I have four-wheel drive. It’s really coming down out here.

Bill: What the fcuk is going on. How does Eddie have all the everything abt him & not snow tires

Boyfriend Mike: He has snow tires. I think it’s more of a human ailment than a mechanical one.

Bill: Sweetheart I JUST woke up from a nap

Boyfriend Mike: I got this, I’ll be back soon, I also don’t know what’s going on <3

Bill: Mysterous cemetery quest

Boyfriend Mike: You learn to kind of go with it, with Eddie. All he’d tell me was “I seem to have rendered myself unable to drive”

449.

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUHotLibrarian

“I wish I worked at the library” you absolutely fucking don’t. I just spent all of archival documents training trying not to blush. He said finger oils so many times

5:53 PM · Feb 22, 2021

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUHotLibrarian

JUST FOUND OUT OUR STORAGE UNITS R LIKE 3 DOORS DOWN FROM EACH OTHER….DONT TEXT...how can i strike up a conversation abt this. “do u hide bodies in urs?? i don’t but it’s not a deal breaker”

9:05 AM · Feb 24, 2021

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUHotLibrarian

i know he got that lil rocketman x ll bean collab boyfriend but every time i go to my croissant spot and see hot librarian scribbling away in his fuckign notebooks i just KNOW i’m the main character

1:11 PM · Feb 25, 2021

**derry hot librarian updates**

@DUHotLibrarian

Not the most beautiful man in the universe seeing me borderline blackout n crying while I wait to get stitches in my chin. If I ever die I’m fighting god about this one

6:09 PM · Feb 28, 2021

450.

Betty’s phone, Monday morning.

Chat title: simps n spouses

Kool Aid: [cut off] Your margs are melting!!!

March 28, 10:33AM

Betty: hannah r u working with the platinum devil today

LOML: She’s not THAT bad. Yet

Betty: she’s mean to my little man!!

LOML: Babe he’s like 40

Betty: i JUST wanna know abt the boot

Kool Aid: BOOT? Is there a heel?? Is he finally dressing hot

Donathan: I think his pants fit well

Betty: no like an injury boot

LOML: Walking boot?

Betty: ye

Kool Aid: WHY?! WHO HURT HIM

Betty: I DON’T KNOW!! i was like “oh no!! what happened” and he was like “i broke my toe” like sir u know that’s not the information i crave

LOML: I am NOT striking up a conversation with that woman. Not even for you. Not my L

Kool Aid: Don you should ask him I bet hed tell you

Donathan: You guys made me talk to him last time!!!

Kool Aid: Oh my god and I know you HATE how that turned out

Betty: i don’t think it would matter. richie doesn’t even know, i asked

Kool Aid: Richie might be lower than Don on the confidante scale

Bets: i mean i know they’re awkward ex-whatevers but they were chatting this morning

Bets: hold on. wife

LOML: She’s complaining because she asked him to move some boxes for her and he said he can’t because he tripped over a sidewalk yesterday.

Betty: U LOVE ME

LOML: I overheard that!!! I didn’t ask!!!

Kool Aid: She loves us 😌

LOML: I would give your social security number to a stranger on the Internet for free

451.

Ben’s phone, Tuesday.

Ben: I’d love one.

Herman: I’ll mail it to you 😎

March 02, 3:20 PM

Ben: Hey, thanks for the photo! It really turned out great 📸👌

Herman: you are welcome!! thank you, the internet told me to do something with salt 😎

Ben: I think I’ve heard of that!

Herman: hey five years soon huh??

Ben: Wow, I guess so.

Herman: we should celebrate!! I’ll buy you a drink ajajaja

Herman: just kidding. a little joke

Ben: 😂😂 I know man. That sounds great!! I’m going on vacation with some friends next week, but afterward?

Herman: wunderbar!! I am so jealous!!

Ben: Yeah, it should be good! Nice to relax and reconnect with everybody.

Herman: reconnect. eyebrows eyebrows

Ben: ☠️☠️☠️

Herman: hey if I get into whittling next, will you tell me what tools to get???

Ben: Yeah, of course!

Bill: I’m afraid of letting Bev near knives, tho

Patty: Wise!!

March 02, 7:18 PM

Bill: This might b 1 spreadsheet 2 far, Patricia

Patty: Hilarious!! Hysterical!!

Bill: There r more than enough beds.

Patty: The joy of spreadsheets is that they provide not just organization, but also efficiency. You can minimize the number of rooms you need to clean. Laundry. Uh, heating??

Bill: It does pain me 2 say this but I think, just on an intellectual lvl, we can trust our friends 2 pick when we get there.

Patty: I don’t judge your forms of stress relief!!

Bill: Is this stressing u out?! I’m sry, I didn’t mean 4 it 2

Patty: No!! This is like a spa day. Finals season at the IEI just give me hives.

Bill: Right, cus ur on the 8 wk cycles.

Patty: I’ve taught them all I can and now I have to send them off into the merciless arms of the standardized tests… I can only wait… I am in torment 😩😩

Bill: How I feel sending a draft 2 my editor. Hahaha

Patty: And I’m sure you have your own dorky little methods of coping with that anxiety!!

Bill: I walk the dog?

Patty: That’s it??

Bill: Well, not 2 b coarse, but if I am dating some1 there r. Ways.

Patty: That’s so normal. Who are you??

Bill: What do u expect me 2 do???

Patty: I mean, like, organizing buckets of change?? Elaborate 3D puzzles of Star Trek sets?? Superstitious sound-canceling headphones?? Reenacting the Mean Girls musical with Polly Pockets??

Bill: Do u do those things???

Patty: Well, those are Urisisms, but still.

Bill: O, sometimes I window-shop 4 haunted shit on eBay.

Patty: Thank you. That’s more like it.

Bill: I

Bill: OK

Bill: On the activities front, u guys like snowmobiling?

Patty: I’ve never been, but how different can it be from riding a motorcycle??

Bill: Jesus Christ

453.

Richie’s phone, Wednesday morning.

Tahir: [cut off] really cool to have some of this shit more pinned down even for the sake of arguing against the bias against NNS teachers

Richie: shit, i didn’t even think of that!!

Richie: anyway, that’s why i’m meeting with this doctor. he’s been great

Tahir: I bet he’s psyched, it’s a cool study

Tahir: Good luck!

March 03, 11:51 AM

Tahir: He failed.

Richie: third time’s the charm guy?

Tahir: Yeah—he was so close, too—he just missed most of the last unit

Richie: i’m sorry. that sucks.

Tahir: I’m happy to have him again, if he ends up in my class next session—it’s just frustrating that he’s clearly so capable and makes so much progress and then life gets in his way—and he clearly internalizes it and can’t see past it

Tahir: I want him to succeed! And he can! It’s just shitty luck

Richie: you’re a good teacher and i know u did ur best.

Richie: u wanna get lunch about it?

Tahir: Actually, yeah, that would be really nice

Richie: lab mtg ends at one, if that’s ok timing

Tahir: Yeah, I’ll come pick you up?

Richie: oh u don’t have to

Tahir: No, I think it would lift my spirits to catcall you from the vehicle

Richie: i mean, i hate to make u go out of the way

Tahir: And I actually also have a class at 2:30—it’ll save a little time if we can head straight out

Tahir: Where’s your meeting at

Richie: calder lab, west end of niebolt 

Tahir: Calder—like the sculptor?

Richie: u know, i actually asked about that once, and the guy who founded the lab was like “who?”

Tahir: My god

Tahir: This is what we get for reducing funding to the arts

Richie: i mean, he’s a really smart guy

Tahir: Sure, he must be!

Richie: art just isn’t his bag

Richie: anyway. if u park in one of the guest spots, i’ll just meet u out there

454.

Betty’s phone, Wednesday afternoon.

Chat title: kaspbrak simps

Kool Aid: Ur both SUPER welcome to go to the dentist for me

March 03, 1:16 PM

Betty: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOLY FUCK ADRIAN

Kool Aid: WHAT?!

Betty: ADRIAN HOLY SHIT. UR GONNA BE SO MAD

Donathan: Bets is overstating this.

Betty: no he’s gonna be mad as hell

Donathan: It was, like, two awkward sentences.

Kool Aid: FUCK YOU! WHAT?

Betty: richie has a new boyfriend

Donathan: We don’t know that they’re boyfriends.

Betty: do u kiss ur platonic friends on the cheek?? motherfucker??

Donathan: I could! Adrian used to!

Kool Aid: I was trying so hard to fuck you that whole time. Will you please stop making me say it

Kool Aid: Bets Im fine assuming the bf thing. Please continue

Betty: so we start filing out into the hallway and this hot fucking piece is there

Betty: hipster. philosophy-books-as-decor vibes. little but built.

Kool Aid: You know I love your word pictures

Betty: richie’s like hey! sorry we ran over! hot piece is like no worries! boyfriendly cheek kiss. richie’s like ready to head out? h.p. Is like u don’t need to drop anything in ur office? richie’s like [clearly holding laptop bag] no!!!

Donathan: And EK exits the lab. And they make eye contact.

455.

Betty’s phone.

Kool Aid: Yes king get involved in the drama

Donathan: Me or him?

Kool Aid: Yes

Betty: h.p. doesn’t seem ruffled at all but the good dr k…...all ruffles. high salt content. instarage

Donathan: The guy’s like, “Hey, Eddie, right?”

Betty: and ek’s like “not to you, dude”

Kool Aid: holy fuck

Betty: richie’s like let’s head out! h.p. is like sure!

Donathan: As they’re leaving, the guy says very chill and friendly, “Good to see you man. Say hi to Mike for me”

Betty: AND EK JUST SAYS

Donathan: “No!”

Betty: NO!!!!!! COLD!!!!!! NO HEDGING

Donathan: Insulted “no.” Lindsay from Freaks & Geeks “no.”

Kool Aid: SHUT UP I DESPISE YOU BOTH

Betty: AND THEN! the guiding hand on the lower back.

Kool Aid: No!!!

Betty: ek’s face. 😙👌. i love the guy but 😙👌

Donathan: Then he bolted into his office like “Siri text Mike” and closed the door.

Kool Aid: ANYTHING ELSE

Betty: he had cool glasses

Donathan: He and Eddie are the same exact height

456.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday.

Mike: [cut off] drive for?

Eddie: Can we not talk about it ever again though

Mike: If that’s what you prefer :P

Eddie: Yeah yep

March 03, 1:10 PM

Eddie: Mike you’re not going to fucking believe who Richie’s fucking dating

Mike: Come back to me in an hour. I have a job :)

Eddie: We all have fucking jobs Michael anyway you remember Tahir

Mike: Do I remember my own ex-boyfriend?

Eddie: What the hell ever

Mike: Is that who Richie’s dating, then?

Eddie: Yeah

Eddie: C’mon dude isn’t that fucking crazy

Mike: As far as coincidences go, it’s medium. He’s a good-looking queer guy of an appropriate age who works at the same school we do.

Eddie: Yeah and he’s a complete dick

Mike: No?

Eddie: What do you mean no oh my god

457.

Eddie’s phone, Wednesday.

Mike: Well, the guy wasn’t my soulmate, but he’s smart and charming and well-adjusted. A little pretentious, occasionally, but I don’t know where you’re getting “complete dick” from.

Eddie: He dumped you exclamation point exclamation point exclamation oh my fucking god why do I try send

Mike: Why would dumping me automatically mean he’s a complete dick? :S

Eddie: Because you’re a great guy!

Mike: I know my good qualities, but I’m not gonna be everyone’s cup of tea. Tahir doesn’t go for hysterically intense romance and I don’t have another setting :P

Mike: I mean, you remember why we ended things. You get it.

Eddie: I remember being a complete dick and ruining shit how is this a good counter example

Eddie: I mean if anything you deserved more of a step up after me

Mike: I know you think you’re being nice to me when you do that, but it’s not really that helpful.

Eddie: What no I’m not

Eddie: What if Richie and Tahir get serious and you have to see him because you’re with Bill and they’re best friends

Mike: I’d be cool with that? Have you ever heard of an amicable breakup?

Eddie: You can’t fucking tell me you were happy about it I mean we watched fried green tomatoes and steel magnolias like ten times last summer

Mike: Yeah, he dumped me and I didn’t love it. I was upset. I needed to be pissed at him for a little while, but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. There was a reason we got along in the first place, so if we were in close proximity again, I don’t think it would be that hard to be friends with him.

Eddie: No weird residual anything at all just so fucking fine with it

Mike: Yes, Edward. I’d cope. I am capable of getting past things, believe it or not. 

Eddie: Forgiveness machine Hanlon just super super easy

Mike: Jesus. You really don’t know when to stop.

Mike: This is all I’ve got to say. I know Tahir pretty well, and I’m telling you he’s a decent guy. Richie is a grown adult taking the reasonable risk of dating someone. You don’t have to be worried on his account, and you definitely don’t have to be righteously angry on mine. So you can either calm down or figure out whatever the fuck else it is about this situation that’s making you act insane.

Mike: You’ve got a giant brain. I think you can handle it.

458.

Richie’s phone, Wednesday night.

Richie: can there be more than five gay dudes in a town? for once? please?

Big Bill: I can’t fix that?? I’m not gonna try 2 start a commune again

Richie: did u know mike and tahir used to date???

Big Bill: Ya

Richie: what the FUCK??? and mike and eddie were a thing???

Big Bill: Did u not know abt that either?!

Richie: I MEAN, I HAD GATHERED BUT I DIDN’T KNOW DETAILS

Richie: IT’S SEVEN DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON BUT IT’S EDDIE’S DICK AND IT’S ONLY TWO DEGREES

Big Bill: Ur definitely actually 0 degrees away. Just 2 b fair.

Richie: I AM AWARE OF MY PROXIMITY TO HIS DICK.

Big Bill: I mean, as long as there’s no herpes involved, it sounds fine 2 me

Richie: oh my god, it is not fine! i had to watch them interact today!

Big Bill: Hahahahahaha. What did Eddie do?

Richie: he was a bitch, what do u think??

Big Bill: Lol. At least it was a segue in2 the can of Eddie worms?

Richie: that is such a thin silver lining

Richie: tahir was like “yeah people don’t usually outright hate me!” and i had to say “well i fucked the one guy that does!”

Richie: kill me

Big Bill: I think it’s kind of nice Eddie’s so loyal 2 Mike! :)

Richie: yeah it’s fuckin peachy

Big Bill: Join w me on the positivity plane, fartbreath

Richie: i mean, it is kind of encouraging that he’s still friends with mike after their whole thing crashed and burned. no offense

Big Bill: W8 what part of that should I b offended by?

Richie: i dunno. feels weird to celebrate the fact that ur boyfriend is still tight with a guy he was 🤏 this close to voltron merging with

Big Bill: As a wise man once said, there r only 5 gay guys in any given town. We have 2 b flexible

Richie: 🖕

Big Bill: Wanna come over & help me sort recreational equipment

Richie: as much as i’d love to organize ur pocket pussy collection, i have a metric fuckton of things to half-ass in the next three days

Big Bill: I MEANT SKIS AND SHIT

Richie: sounds painful

459.

Kay’s phone, Friday.

March 05, 12:19 PM

Kay: Get me out of here!

Audra 😊: sweetcheeks i am TRYING

Kay: Are there men who progress emotionally past age five or six?! Anywhere?!

Audra 😊: hahahaha Bill would write these psychologically complex people and then insist he didn’t resent his father

Kay: I just have to get through this meeting and I can go to the airport. But they are at it again. Sapping my life force.

Audra 😊: I’ll send you more xoxo

Audra 😊: shortguytallguy fight club?

Kay: Short guy is wearing an air cast right now and I just had to watch him hobble ALL the way to the other side of the room because the open seat close to the door was right next to tallguy.

Audra 😊: you suffer so much for your vocation 💞💓💖

Kay: Now he’s acting like he doesn’t know tall guy is glaring directly into his bones.

Audra 😊: are you guys not doing anything important at this meeting, or?

Kay: No, they’re not going to miss much, I just do not feel like dealing with their energy.

Audra 😊: don’t open that email if you’re still in the meeting it’s nudes

460.

It’s over!!! No more work for a week!!!

**LJ 🍃**

@whteverwhtever

If ur escaping this fucking hell state to go somewhere warm right now, please know I will be charging you five hundred dollars for every instagram post of you on the beach. Not you professor Hanscom. Yours are comped

2:52 PM · Mar 5, 2021

**🍂**

@spiderspellman

hot spring break tips from bill who did absolutely no teaching today:

  * leave for ur vacation on sunday so u beat traffic
  * have at least one organized friend, the rest of ur friends can be shitheads
  * listen to billy joel on the way there (at first it’s fun and then later it makes you drive faster to get away from it)



4:11 PM · Mar 5, 2021

**happiness isn’t in the having**

@beepbeeplizzie

y’all pray for dr kaspbrak he just let us out early and yes that’s my wildest dream but it felt SO wrong

4:46 PM · Mar 5, 2021

**the moon shall join your coalition**

@fireswampdaily

GOD IM STOKED TO BE OUT OF HERE. THIS GIRL HAS THE AUDACITY TO SHOW UP TO THE LAST DAY OF CLASS AND BE MAD AT ME THAT ITS HAPPENING?? MAAM IM A GRAD STUDENT. IM NOT ALLOWED TO CANCEL. OUR ONLY HOPE HERE IS IF ALL OF THE STUDENTS SKIP. LEARN TO UNIONIZE BITCH

5:23 PM · Mar 5, 2021

461.

Unless you’re this poor bitch. Richie’s phone, Saturday night.

Richie: seriously, i am so sorry

Tahir: Well you can’t control the guy

Richie: well i did kind of get behind on this on purpose

Richie: if it was just steve i wouldn’t care but now he’s making his grad students pester me on a goddamn vacation weekend

Tahir: Whatever—I’ll take this opportunity to make your cats like me more than you

Richie: i’m just emailing everything i have to him and then i’ll lock my laptop in my office for the rest of the week and be right back

Tahir: Breathe through it man

\--

New Email Draft

To: spcovall@bu.edu

Subject: I know you people have the same spring break we do

Body: You know that making Ahmed text me right now about stuff I’m behind on is full-on demonic, right? Like, you know that’s not how any of this shit should work. If I’m not doing my job right, you cut ME loose. You do’nt start going through some poor fucking 26-year-old who’s depending on you for their entire career.

Here is every single thing I have on your studies, you mangy mean son of a bitch. None of it’s all the way done! Don’t care! Not my problem! If picking the lazy guy you could boss around came back to bit you in the ass then that sucks for you, you insufferable

462.

Or this one! Eddie’s phone, 10:30 PM Saturday.

**Event 3/06**  
  
---  
  
Talked to M  
  
**What does it make me think?**  
  
How did we ever get married. What kind of fucking person did I think she was. What kind of person did I think I was. How does she keep making it feel like I can either do what she wants or what my mother wanted. How have I not gotten better at this. How is it that I let everything else in my life be this dogshit for the sake of my job and now I can’t even do that right  
  
**What does it make me want to do?**  
  
Have a fucking breakdown  
  
**What does it make me feel? (Best guess)**  
  
**Can I accept that feeling?**  
  
\--

Notification: MESSAGES

**Richard Tozier**

are you in your office right now

463.

Richie’s phone, Saturday night.

**I should note that, while Eddie’s contact name in Richie’s phone is still “Edward Kaspbrak,” I feel like that would make this conversation unreadable in this format, so. Needs must.

Richie: i’ve read your meta-analysis

Richie: what you do actually matters to people

Eddie: I just work hard

Richie: isn’t that honestly more important

March 06, 10:32 PM

Richie: are you in your office right now

Eddie: What why

Richie: just wanted to make sure u weren’t getting robbed

Richie: by a dude with horrible bronchitis

Eddie: You’re in the hallway aren’t you

Richie: little bit

Eddie: Fantastic.

Richie: do u wanna talk about….whatever it is

Eddie: There isn’t anything I’m fine

Richie: i’m trying to, like, recognize your boundaries, but between the mystery boot and the intermittent hating me and now crying in your office at, what, ten on a saturday night? i feel like i should ask again

Eddie: You don’t have to do that

Richie: oh, i fully agree

Eddie: You’re still here

Richie: i just want to know if ur gonna be okay!

Eddie: And why in the everloving shit fuck hell would you care about that

Richie: is that really what you think of me?

Richie: look, i know shit got fucked up, but at the very least we were friends. i know we were

Eddie: What are you talking about I was a nightmare I fucking led you on and lied to you about my wife and made your job miserable like I did this I deserve the cold shoulder you should fucking stick with it

Richie: okay, so tell me to go.

464.

Richie’s phone, Saturday.

Eddie: What?

Richie: tell me to go and i’ll go. i want you to say it.

Eddie: Jesus fucking Christ can’t you just take the out

Richie: no! because giving me an out means that you don’t want me to leave!

Eddie: That’s so fucking stupid

Richie: i give a shit about you! is that stupid??

Eddie: Yes

Richie: why??? why can’t i???

Eddie: Because there isn’t an upside to me Richie!

Richie: what does that even mean?!

Eddie: It means what I fucking said if you give me an inch you will never get anything back I will just suck the life out of you

Richie: i don’t think that’s true!

Eddie: I have lived with myself for thirty six years I know caring about me isn’t good for people I did it to my mother and Myra and Mike and I did it to you too I turn people mean and angry I make them little shreds of themselves and I don’t want to do it to you again

Richie: you can’t possibly believe that. that’s insane

Eddie: Jesus this is what I mean

Eddie: I know it’s not healthy and it doesn’t make sense I really I mean I will be fine okay I can call my therapist or whatever you don’t have to do this right now

Richie: no, i’m invested now!! how’d you break mike?? where are the broken parts on that eccentric fucking dreamboat

Eddie: It’s been a while okay you weren’t here for the end of it

Richie: what about ben and bev??? they care about you and they seem great

Eddie: They have each other

Richie: everyone has other people, you fucking weirdo!!!

Richie: if it’s not bev or mike or ben then who is it???

Eddie: Look I’m serious you don’t have to be here just because you happened to walk past

Eddie: I fucked up everything up with you and I’m so sorry and you don’t need to be patient with me about this

Richie: what about me, eddie?

Richie: what’s broken about me?

465.

Richie’s phone.

Eddie: Nothing!

Eddie: God. Nothing

Eddie: What I mean is just when you were mad okay you were right to be I mean you trusted me and I betrayed that I just really hate that I made you act like some bitter asshole

Richie: well, don’t hold back.

Eddie: No I hated it because I know that’s not you I know you’re like an actually good person

Richie: i’m a work in progress

Eddie: You’re good.

Richie: christ.

Richie: look, it wasn’t your fault that i acted like that. you have to believe me. i acted like that because there’s a part of me, not all that deep down, where i actually am a bitter asshole

Eddie: You can’t possibly think this was your fault

Richie: well, it’s not all yours! you didn’t make me the way i am!

Richie: yeah, you should have fucking told me you were married, and you led me on a little, but i don’t think it was malevolent. and i’m not an innocent bystander, you know? i never tried to talk to you about what we were. i made up this story in my head for the both of us. i mean, when it was over, i didn’t even want you to explain. i just slapped on the ending that made sense to me. i would rather lose shit the way i’m used to than give someone the option of doing it another way.

Richie: i didn’t try to understand what you thought about us. not really

Eddie: I wouldn’t have let you

Eddie: I wanted you to be this person that wouldn’t ever need to talk about it because that was less complicated for me

Richie: well, i could have given you a chance.

Richie: so. you stepped on my heart a little, but i threw it on the ground in front of you.

Richie: what the fuck did you just say i know i heard something

Richie: oh my GOD. i know it’s the limbic system

Eddie: Sorry I just

Eddie: Technically

Richie: bigger fish to fry, kaspbrak

Eddie: Am I the fish or are you

Richie: no, i’m the old man and ur the sea. the fish represents god or something

Richie: POINT TO TOZIER

466.

Richie’s phone.

Eddie: I didn’t laugh!

Richie: liar! i felt it! it jiggled the door!

Eddie: People shouldn’t be assholes to you you know

Eddie: Even if you think you go along with it sometimes you never deserve it

Eddie: And I am really sorry

Eddie: For hurting you

Eddie: You’re right we were friends too and I shouldn’t have done that to you

Richie: forgiven.

Eddie: Thanks

Richie: hey, if we’re friends again, does that mean i get to know why ur wearing the boot

Eddie: Kicked my mom’s gravestone

Richie: fucking rad

Eddie: Oh hey happy birthday

Richie: what

Eddie: It’s midnight

Richie: come to bill’s cabin.

Eddie: ???

Richie: spring break. try the break part for what i’m guessing is the first time in your life

Richie: c’mon. there’s space. everyone wants you there. at least cry somewhere besides your office.

Eddie: I really shouldn’t be gone from work for that long

Richie: yeah, because whatever ur flow is right now is clearly super fucking sustainable

Richie: it could just be a few days if you wanted

Eddie: I don’t want to intrude though

Richie: ur essential! who else will distract bill by reciting basketball stats when me and mike want to smoke weed in the woods and talk about historiography

Eddie: It’s more about interpreting the stats than reciting them

Richie: there he is

Eddie: It’s really nice of you to ask

Eddie: I want to make sure everyone else is okay with it first

Richie: all right

Richie: but if they are, you’ll come?

Eddie: If you're sure you don’t need a break from me

Richie: wanna hear something stupid?

Richie: i kind of feel like i just got you back


End file.
